Unsure what to do
To Life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Unsure what to do
Today, I printed out the obituary of Trevor's friend, Matt L.
Ya know, it really struck me hard. I knew he had died, but, seeing the obit really added another level to the reality of his untimely death. I can only imagine his parents grief...
I didn't sign the guest book. I never met the parents. And I thought it would only add to their grief. I really wouldn't want to do that. It's just so sad.
My question, though is this. Should I show the obituary to Trevor or not? He had a very emotional response to Matt's death. He felt faint, and has vomited every day since. The hospital gave him a strong seditive due to his reaction. Trevor is with me for a bit right now. I don't have anything, and wouldn't give him anything, even if I did. So, I'm really unsure what to do.
Showing him would probably make it more real for Trevor, just as it did for me. And that's both a blessing and a curse. So, it's a very difficult decision.
Thanks for listening...
Shalom!
Ya know, it really struck me hard. I knew he had died, but, seeing the obit really added another level to the reality of his untimely death. I can only imagine his parents grief...
I didn't sign the guest book. I never met the parents. And I thought it would only add to their grief. I really wouldn't want to do that. It's just so sad.
My question, though is this. Should I show the obituary to Trevor or not? He had a very emotional response to Matt's death. He felt faint, and has vomited every day since. The hospital gave him a strong seditive due to his reaction. Trevor is with me for a bit right now. I don't have anything, and wouldn't give him anything, even if I did. So, I'm really unsure what to do.
Showing him would probably make it more real for Trevor, just as it did for me. And that's both a blessing and a curse. So, it's a very difficult decision.
Thanks for listening...
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
This is such a tragedy - this terrible loss - and all the losses due to this terrible disease. I think that there is no right or wrong answer to this. In situtaions like this I am learning to check my motives. Is there anything that I want from this? The obit made it more real for you - is that what you are trying to do with Trevor? I know that I have to fight my inclination to let my RAH know of every horrible drug related death/hospitalization that I learn of - I want him to be as scared of drugs and relapse as I am. But - I have to realize that I can't cure it, etc.
I return to my old thought of if in doubt, don't. Pray on it and asked to be led to the next right thing to do. As strong as your recovery is there is absolutely no doubt in mind that you will find the next right thing.
Lots of love, Donna
I return to my old thought of if in doubt, don't. Pray on it and asked to be led to the next right thing to do. As strong as your recovery is there is absolutely no doubt in mind that you will find the next right thing.
Lots of love, Donna
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
more prayers for the family & trevor.i do not thnk i would show the obit to trevor. it upsets you so it would probley do trevor more damage.i would give it time & later on tell trevor you have & ask him it if he wants it.hugs,hope
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Teach, I dont think I would show it to him. To mre if he had such a bad reaction to his death showing the orbit wouldn't really do anything positve.. I dont think so anyway. Think about it and pray about it really only you know the best thing to do.
Hugs,
jewel
Hugs,
jewel
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Teach, I agree, why show it to him if it is only going to upset him. He already knows & you can show it to him anytime down the line. IMHO I would wait until he is feeling better.
It is so very sad to see all the young lives lost to addiction............in my son's class ( the one who has passed ) I think there are like 10 other young people gone.
Love,
Diane
It is so very sad to see all the young lives lost to addiction............in my son's class ( the one who has passed ) I think there are like 10 other young people gone.
Love,
Diane
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Hiya Teach,
The way I'm thinking is...if Trevor wanted to see the obituary, he's an adult, he could have bought a paper, and looked at it for himself, right?
Just my thought....
The way I'm thinking is...if Trevor wanted to see the obituary, he's an adult, he could have bought a paper, and looked at it for himself, right?
Just my thought....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I tend to agree with everyone here and think perhaps I would just set it aside and then if he asks or if the time seems right, then show him. It's not hiding anything, it's just allowing him to process this pain at his own pace and in his own way.
Like Moose said, he knows how to buy a newspaper and if he really wanted to see it, he could find it himself.
My thoughts and prayers go to Matt's family today, that they may find some comfort in the memories of better days.
Hugs
Like Moose said, he knows how to buy a newspaper and if he really wanted to see it, he could find it himself.
My thoughts and prayers go to Matt's family today, that they may find some comfort in the memories of better days.
Hugs
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
since trevor is having such a hard time with this, i think i would wait and allow time to tell me when its time. i think you'll feel a calm about it for him when its time, jmho keeping all of you in my prayers and the friends family too. such a sad thing to have to go through for all who cares. i'm so sorry
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
You might consider asking him to let you know if/when he is ready.... he may not have enough experience with this stuff to realize you have the obit, or that he missed seeing it in the paper.
I am sorry you have to watch him through this... so hard to watch our children in pain.... especially this one. (((hugs)))
I am sorry you have to watch him through this... so hard to watch our children in pain.... especially this one. (((hugs)))
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Teach
I would hold onto it and at a later time let him know that you have it. As he works thru his recovery, he will get more tools just like we did . I would hope and pray that at some point he will be able to read the obituary , process his grief with a sponsor or other loving friends in recovery , learn the lesson and move on .
As for reaching out to Matt's parents ? I don't know if they know you or not, but I would presume you can send a card or note and let them know you understand . Who knows ? Perhaps they can benefit from your experience strength and hope gained from working a program of recovery yourself .
Hugs
Cat
I would hold onto it and at a later time let him know that you have it. As he works thru his recovery, he will get more tools just like we did . I would hope and pray that at some point he will be able to read the obituary , process his grief with a sponsor or other loving friends in recovery , learn the lesson and move on .
As for reaching out to Matt's parents ? I don't know if they know you or not, but I would presume you can send a card or note and let them know you understand . Who knows ? Perhaps they can benefit from your experience strength and hope gained from working a program of recovery yourself .
Hugs
Cat
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: totally lost
Posts: 250
Tending to agree with everyone else, but with a question like this, that could easily go either way, I find sleeping on it usually provides an answer in the morning.
Just ask the question to yourself as you are falling asleep...HP and the universe will take over and you should have a clearer perspective in the morning, if not a firm answer.
I do agree that, with all of your recovery experience, Matt's parents would probably like to hear from you. But only if YOU feel comfortable with it.
Love and hugs, Barb
Just ask the question to yourself as you are falling asleep...HP and the universe will take over and you should have a clearer perspective in the morning, if not a firm answer.
I do agree that, with all of your recovery experience, Matt's parents would probably like to hear from you. But only if YOU feel comfortable with it.
Love and hugs, Barb
To Life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Well, first of all, thank you all for your thoughts and good wishes....
Trevor actually brought up Matt and his parents tonight. Thankfully, I had read some of the responses, and had a good feel for how I was feeling about it; namely, let him take the lead.
I do not think he has enough experience to know about obits and such. Furthermore, Matt died on the 17th of last month. Trevor really wouldn't know how to find it. If he thought of it, he would ask me how to find it. I didn't know until at least 10 days after his death. And it was I who told Trevor. So, it was too late to go out and buy a paper. But, Trevor was in the hospital, anyway, and couldn't have.
He said he was glad he was in the hospital when he found out.
So was I...
But, HP was surely looking out for us today. I was reading the local paper, and there was an add. We can look up old obits for 30 days free of charge online. Sure enough, there it was; pic and all.
So when Trevor brought up going to see Matt's parents, well, it was too much of a coincidence -- a G*D-incident so to speak. I told him I had it, and when he was ready, I would show it to him. I had both printed it out, (2 copies), and saved it on my puter. Trevor asked me to print out two copies! Just in case he lost one, he said. Then, I would have it. G*D works!
Here's the obit, sans the pic...I wish I could post them...He was a handsome young man...
Thank you all for your loving thoughts.
Shalom!
Trevor actually brought up Matt and his parents tonight. Thankfully, I had read some of the responses, and had a good feel for how I was feeling about it; namely, let him take the lead.
I do not think he has enough experience to know about obits and such. Furthermore, Matt died on the 17th of last month. Trevor really wouldn't know how to find it. If he thought of it, he would ask me how to find it. I didn't know until at least 10 days after his death. And it was I who told Trevor. So, it was too late to go out and buy a paper. But, Trevor was in the hospital, anyway, and couldn't have.
He said he was glad he was in the hospital when he found out.
So was I...
But, HP was surely looking out for us today. I was reading the local paper, and there was an add. We can look up old obits for 30 days free of charge online. Sure enough, there it was; pic and all.
So when Trevor brought up going to see Matt's parents, well, it was too much of a coincidence -- a G*D-incident so to speak. I told him I had it, and when he was ready, I would show it to him. I had both printed it out, (2 copies), and saved it on my puter. Trevor asked me to print out two copies! Just in case he lost one, he said. Then, I would have it. G*D works!
Here's the obit, sans the pic...I wish I could post them...He was a handsome young man...
Lawton, Matthew B.
LAWTON, MATTHEW B., 'MATT', age 27, of Fall River died Tuesday, April 17, 2007 at his residence, unexpectedly.
Born in Fall River, a son of J. Kevin and Deborah L. (Soucy) Lawton of Swansea, he spent his youth in Swansea, moving to Fall River two years ago.
A Librarian, he was manager of the East End Branch of the Fall River Public Library for the past two years. He was a 1998 graduate of Case High School and a 2004 graduate of Roger Williams University. He was presently attending graduate school at the University of Rhode Island studying for his Masters Degree in Library Science.
He enjoyed sports and was an avid tennis player, skier, basketball player, and most recently wrestler.
Surviving in addition to his parents: one sister, Amy S. Lawton of Swansea, MA; loving partner, Lindsay Bernier of Fall River, MA; grandparents Charles and Virginia Soucy of Newport, VT, Mary McCleskey of Somerset, MA; three uncles, Charles Soucy of Boxford, MA, Paul Soucy of Boxford, MA, William Lawton of Orlando, FL; two aunts, Joan Street of Essex, MA, Janet Merrill of Wenham, MA. Also survived by many cousins.
Relatives and friends are invited to attend his visiting hours on Saturday, April 21, 2007 from 2 to 5 P.M. in the WARING-SULLIVAN HOME OF MEMORIAL TRIBUTE at BIRCHCREST 189 Gardner's Neck Rd., Swansea. In lieu of flowers and in memory of Matthew B. Lawton memorial contributions may be made to B.C.C. Foundation 777 Elsbree St., Fall River, MA 02720 or Forever Paws 300 Lynwood St., Fall River, MA 02721.
His Funeral Service and burial will be private. www.waring-sullivan.com
Published in The Providence Journal on 4/20/2007.
LAWTON, MATTHEW B., 'MATT', age 27, of Fall River died Tuesday, April 17, 2007 at his residence, unexpectedly.
Born in Fall River, a son of J. Kevin and Deborah L. (Soucy) Lawton of Swansea, he spent his youth in Swansea, moving to Fall River two years ago.
A Librarian, he was manager of the East End Branch of the Fall River Public Library for the past two years. He was a 1998 graduate of Case High School and a 2004 graduate of Roger Williams University. He was presently attending graduate school at the University of Rhode Island studying for his Masters Degree in Library Science.
He enjoyed sports and was an avid tennis player, skier, basketball player, and most recently wrestler.
Surviving in addition to his parents: one sister, Amy S. Lawton of Swansea, MA; loving partner, Lindsay Bernier of Fall River, MA; grandparents Charles and Virginia Soucy of Newport, VT, Mary McCleskey of Somerset, MA; three uncles, Charles Soucy of Boxford, MA, Paul Soucy of Boxford, MA, William Lawton of Orlando, FL; two aunts, Joan Street of Essex, MA, Janet Merrill of Wenham, MA. Also survived by many cousins.
Relatives and friends are invited to attend his visiting hours on Saturday, April 21, 2007 from 2 to 5 P.M. in the WARING-SULLIVAN HOME OF MEMORIAL TRIBUTE at BIRCHCREST 189 Gardner's Neck Rd., Swansea. In lieu of flowers and in memory of Matthew B. Lawton memorial contributions may be made to B.C.C. Foundation 777 Elsbree St., Fall River, MA 02720 or Forever Paws 300 Lynwood St., Fall River, MA 02721.
His Funeral Service and burial will be private. www.waring-sullivan.com
Published in The Providence Journal on 4/20/2007.
Shalom!
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