who rescues me?
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
who rescues me?
Well, today I get the usual post-binge call from the abf and I agree to pick him up. But then I think to myself that I can't do it without getting emotional and I just didn't want to do it. But, I said to myself "keep calm, don't get mad" and I went on my way to meet him, but then, as soon as he got in the car I just couldn't do it, I just didn't want to, I knew I wouldn't be able to keep my cool and I really didn't want to deal with the obnoxious crap that an addict dishes out when someone has the nerve to get mad at them for their behavior. So I told him to get out of the car and took off.
Boy did that **** him off (HELLO, anyone know how many times he has taken off on me...It is so funny how angry the addicts get at us when we end up doing something to them that they routinely do to us)
Anyway, I drove to a calming spot with a nice view of the ocean and just stared out at it, cried, and thought to myself, "who comes and picks me up when I am trouble? who is there to help me out when I need it? NO ONE" here I am, being the strong one, taking care of myself with no one I can call on when I feel sick and need a ride home.
I called a friend who is hundreds of miles away (and would do those things if she was in the same town) "What are you still doing with this guy?" she says to me...
Oh well, I just know that I am so tired and my patience is really at an end. this was the first time I didn't pick him up and take him home. I thought, he has his ever-enabling mom to do it, let her use her gas on it. Anyway, any conversation we have during the first two days after a binge are useless, I just miss him so much when he disappears that I figure I will be able to spend a bit of time with him if I pick him up.
ugh, I just want a NORMAL relationship, you wake up on sunday morning together, you have slept late, you think about going out to have brunch...read the paper together, etc. all with the man I love.
Okay, that is my whine for the day. At this point I feel better, and you know, I am REALLY glad that I finally refused to drive him home.
thanks for listening!
Boy did that **** him off (HELLO, anyone know how many times he has taken off on me...It is so funny how angry the addicts get at us when we end up doing something to them that they routinely do to us)
Anyway, I drove to a calming spot with a nice view of the ocean and just stared out at it, cried, and thought to myself, "who comes and picks me up when I am trouble? who is there to help me out when I need it? NO ONE" here I am, being the strong one, taking care of myself with no one I can call on when I feel sick and need a ride home.
I called a friend who is hundreds of miles away (and would do those things if she was in the same town) "What are you still doing with this guy?" she says to me...
Oh well, I just know that I am so tired and my patience is really at an end. this was the first time I didn't pick him up and take him home. I thought, he has his ever-enabling mom to do it, let her use her gas on it. Anyway, any conversation we have during the first two days after a binge are useless, I just miss him so much when he disappears that I figure I will be able to spend a bit of time with him if I pick him up.
ugh, I just want a NORMAL relationship, you wake up on sunday morning together, you have slept late, you think about going out to have brunch...read the paper together, etc. all with the man I love.
Okay, that is my whine for the day. At this point I feel better, and you know, I am REALLY glad that I finally refused to drive him home.
thanks for listening!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
We'll listen anytime, Ive done that too I think that was the beginning of my growth and about the time I stopped picking him up if I wasnt the one to drop him off.
Keep thinking of you and what is important to you and it gets easier. I feel a thousand times stronger today than I was 4 weeks ago, 6 weeks ago and 6 months ago
Keep thinking of you and what is important to you and it gets easier. I feel a thousand times stronger today than I was 4 weeks ago, 6 weeks ago and 6 months ago
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Its just like a dramatic scene in a movie isn't it??? When you cry out ""hey what about me?''
Really we could be in movies--melodrama!!
I did it myself once trying to drive to another state to pick up my crack addicted son from a rehab facility in a BLIZZARD!!!! He kept calling for me to come and get him or he was going to run out into the surrounding hillside never to be seen again.
I drove on the Mass Turnpike until I could not even see anything but white--skidded off the road--got out and thru myself on my knee and said ''where are you'''''why'''=then I turned around and made it home.
Ya know what he never left the facility--but I almost got killed trying to ''save'' him............
Really we could be in movies--melodrama!!
I did it myself once trying to drive to another state to pick up my crack addicted son from a rehab facility in a BLIZZARD!!!! He kept calling for me to come and get him or he was going to run out into the surrounding hillside never to be seen again.
I drove on the Mass Turnpike until I could not even see anything but white--skidded off the road--got out and thru myself on my knee and said ''where are you'''''why'''=then I turned around and made it home.
Ya know what he never left the facility--but I almost got killed trying to ''save'' him............
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Dear OEO,
[QUOTE=oneeyeopen;1321128]So I told him to get out of the car and took off./QUOTE]
Ahahahahahahahahaha
I know I shouldn't laugh, but that's funny.
Also, believe it or not, it shows you listened to your inner voice. Keep listening. It's never wrong.
Lithloren
[QUOTE=oneeyeopen;1321128]So I told him to get out of the car and took off./QUOTE]
Ahahahahahahahahaha
I know I shouldn't laugh, but that's funny.
Also, believe it or not, it shows you listened to your inner voice. Keep listening. It's never wrong.
Lithloren
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i'm so proud of you, oneeyeopen
you did good, keep moving forward, keeping the focus on you. you deserve your focus, let him figure out how to save himself, you are so important, time for you to look after you and do what makes you happy. it gets easier one day at a time, one step at a time. i'm cheering you on and praying for the both of you
you did good, keep moving forward, keeping the focus on you. you deserve your focus, let him figure out how to save himself, you are so important, time for you to look after you and do what makes you happy. it gets easier one day at a time, one step at a time. i'm cheering you on and praying for the both of you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
I think they call it an "aha" moment. That time when you say "what am I doing?" And things begin to change. I don't know about your bf, but when I met my ex he was the "normal" relationship & we did all those things that you talked about. What hurts like heck, is that once they start using again...the man you love is gone. And you are sad/anger at the same time. For what was & what could have been. And here's this guy messing it up.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Whoooo-hoooooooooooooo! (Sorry, I know that probably wasn't a civil reaction in your ABF's view, but I'm not in his cheering section) 
You know who rescues you?
Today, well, you do. Starting with today, you become your own champion, your own superhero, who defends you against cr*p like this like a tigress, like your very best friend. I'm so proud of you.
Tomorrow, maybe you still do. You become strong and proud of yourself. You realize that your life is in your hands, and damn it you want it to be a good one, not this nightmare you've been living.
Someplace out there, a mile or a hundred miles or a thousand miles away, is someone who is also trying to learn how to act as his own champion, working hard to become strong and proud of himself for taking care of him, just as you are taking care of you.
Do you know what happens when two people like that meet? Two whole, strong, self-reliant people (and funny, and smart like you are?)
You get the kind of relationship you talked about in your post. Normal, fun, happy, adventurous, sexy, comforting.......and then you can be there to rescue each other if & when you just can't do it yourself. You don't HAVE to do it all yourself any more, because you love each other, and would do anything for each other.
The problem is that you cannot find that life unless you clear out the stressful, poisonous one you've got, oneeye.
Think about what YOU want, and what's it is worth to you. Life is so big and full of possibility....it would be so great to hear you happy.
Love, strength, and hugs to you
Wow!
GiveLove
You know who rescues you?
Today, well, you do. Starting with today, you become your own champion, your own superhero, who defends you against cr*p like this like a tigress, like your very best friend. I'm so proud of you.
Tomorrow, maybe you still do. You become strong and proud of yourself. You realize that your life is in your hands, and damn it you want it to be a good one, not this nightmare you've been living.
Someplace out there, a mile or a hundred miles or a thousand miles away, is someone who is also trying to learn how to act as his own champion, working hard to become strong and proud of himself for taking care of him, just as you are taking care of you.
Do you know what happens when two people like that meet? Two whole, strong, self-reliant people (and funny, and smart like you are?)
You get the kind of relationship you talked about in your post. Normal, fun, happy, adventurous, sexy, comforting.......and then you can be there to rescue each other if & when you just can't do it yourself. You don't HAVE to do it all yourself any more, because you love each other, and would do anything for each other.
The problem is that you cannot find that life unless you clear out the stressful, poisonous one you've got, oneeye.
Think about what YOU want, and what's it is worth to you. Life is so big and full of possibility....it would be so great to hear you happy.
Love, strength, and hugs to you
Wow!
GiveLove
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
Good for you. Each day you get a little bit stronger and it gets a little bit easier. Keep doing nice things for yourself. I have to tell myself every morning today is a new day. I hate being in the position I am in sometimes. I am tired of the drama and melodramatics. I am sure there is a wonderful guy out there just waiting for you.
getting stronger each day
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: canton, ohio
Posts: 149
that's totally awesome and insightful! once you realize that you need to defend your own soul against the sick encroachment of their addiction, then you begin to heal and return to the whole person that you are capable of being. I'm so proud of you!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I just want a NORMAL relationship, you wake up on sunday morning together, you have slept late, you think about going out to have brunch...read the paper together, etc. all with the man I love.
I wish you the best. ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I love this post.
It is filled with so much strength and hope- alot of what I am feeling and lacking at this moment. Desperately longing for the relationship you speak and believing (I know it's not true) that there is something within my control that can allow for that to happen despite the current circumstances.
Accepting this reality is so difficult.
It is filled with so much strength and hope- alot of what I am feeling and lacking at this moment. Desperately longing for the relationship you speak and believing (I know it's not true) that there is something within my control that can allow for that to happen despite the current circumstances.
Accepting this reality is so difficult.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
