Found his needles....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
Found his needles....
It always surprises me when I am surprised.
But he had four years clean and sober before he blew up his life back in October, then probably another four months clean --
This is my youngest son. Nine months short of graduating from honors college, with girlfriend, nice car, two cats, used to volunteer to lead mtgs for addicts/alcoholics at psych wards.
Such a nice life; which made me all the more nuts when he blew it up in an orgy of coke and gawd only knows what else.
That's when his dad, who found him uncontrollable, put him on a bus to me, and that's how he and his cats landed with me. He started gaining weight, got a job, arranged to leave school until he could get a car - dad took it - started taking meds for depression.
I think it started unraveling again a couple of months ago. I can look back and see the things that made me uncomfortable. And of course, no one lies like an addict/alcoholic.
I told him he has to leave by July1 --my lease is up then, anyway. He has 60 days. No car, too.
Despite a year of al-anon, i still find myself terrified: he will be cold, he will be hungry, he will be homeless, he will be sick, he will deal drugs to get money not to be hungry, cold and sick. He will be in jail. He will lose the job he has now. He will wait until the week he has to leave and then start begging to stay and I won't be able to bear it.
I can hardly bear it now & he has accepted it. He's not breaking into tears over it, like me -- junkies have a substitute fior tears -- but .... my father died an alcoholic, two uncles and an aunt did too; my brother is dying from alcoholism. I have three first cousins who have the disease --I can't bear the thought of losing one more person I love to this. And it is different when it is a child.
I attended a seminar last year on addiction and one of the researchers said that expecting an addict to stop using was like expecting an epileptic to stop having seizures because they weren't good for him.
But I STILL wanted to just go into his room and say, "Stop. Just stop. Really. Wouldn't you rather have all these other things? "
As AA says...mysterious, cunning, baffling disease...
Thanks for letting me share---
But he had four years clean and sober before he blew up his life back in October, then probably another four months clean --
This is my youngest son. Nine months short of graduating from honors college, with girlfriend, nice car, two cats, used to volunteer to lead mtgs for addicts/alcoholics at psych wards.
Such a nice life; which made me all the more nuts when he blew it up in an orgy of coke and gawd only knows what else.
That's when his dad, who found him uncontrollable, put him on a bus to me, and that's how he and his cats landed with me. He started gaining weight, got a job, arranged to leave school until he could get a car - dad took it - started taking meds for depression.
I think it started unraveling again a couple of months ago. I can look back and see the things that made me uncomfortable. And of course, no one lies like an addict/alcoholic.
I told him he has to leave by July1 --my lease is up then, anyway. He has 60 days. No car, too.
Despite a year of al-anon, i still find myself terrified: he will be cold, he will be hungry, he will be homeless, he will be sick, he will deal drugs to get money not to be hungry, cold and sick. He will be in jail. He will lose the job he has now. He will wait until the week he has to leave and then start begging to stay and I won't be able to bear it.
I can hardly bear it now & he has accepted it. He's not breaking into tears over it, like me -- junkies have a substitute fior tears -- but .... my father died an alcoholic, two uncles and an aunt did too; my brother is dying from alcoholism. I have three first cousins who have the disease --I can't bear the thought of losing one more person I love to this. And it is different when it is a child.
I attended a seminar last year on addiction and one of the researchers said that expecting an addict to stop using was like expecting an epileptic to stop having seizures because they weren't good for him.
But I STILL wanted to just go into his room and say, "Stop. Just stop. Really. Wouldn't you rather have all these other things? "
As AA says...mysterious, cunning, baffling disease...
Thanks for letting me share---
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
thanks for sharing nitelite, welcome to sr, glad to have you here, hate to hear about your son, sounds like you've done all you know to do to help him, now maybe it time for you to somehow take a step back and allow him to take care of himself while you take care of you. alanon and naranon are good support groups for you, maybe you can search your area for some, keep posting here, and maybe turn him over to his hp and beieve that your hp can and will keep his safe and lead him to where he needs to be. keeping all of you in my prayrs
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
he will be cold, he will be hungry, he will be homeless, he will be sick, he will deal drugs to get money not to be hungry, cold and sick. He will be in jail. He will lose the job he has now. He will wait until the week he has to leave and then start begging to stay and I won't be able to bear it.
The truth is we DON'T know... we think we do, but we have no idea "when" recovery will happen.
I was as miserable the day before my daughter started her sobriety as I was six months before and one year before.... I had NO idea how close her time really was.
To stop the "awfulizing", I had to identify what starts it... my core thinking that started me down that path. For me, it was thinking innocent thoughts about "I wonder what she is doing now..." within mere SECONDS, I had her dead, or dying in a ditch, ugly from her meth use, selling her body and being raped and beaten by strangers. NONE of that happened.
Today, she is sober. But my son is still out there... and I don't let myself "go" there with him. I believe he is in the care and loving arms of a Higher Power who absolutely knows his next steps. I love him very much and pray he can be sober soon... but it will happen when it happens.
Getting the chaos OUT from under your nose is a good, good thing - the sooner, the better. And my addicts were young (17 and 18 when we kicked them out at different times) - yet they sofa-surfed and found places where they were warm, dry, fed AND got their drugs. They are far more clever than we believe... or that they would LIKE us to believe (it serves them to share the horror with us, so I don't think they are very motivated to share how well they CAN do without us).
You are in my prayers... (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR Nitelite. My daughter is my addict, only child almost 21. DOC opiates. Sounds like you know what you need to do. Still is scary though. I understand the fear. Had to let my daughter go because having her around just made me crazier and sicker. She currently lives with her 37 year old crack addicted boyfriend. He supplies her drugs. Sounds like you are doing a lot of awfulizing about what you think his future will be. It may happen, it may not. He has the tools he needs to stay clean, but like you know it is a baffling disease, but one that belongs to him. An epileptic may not be able to stop having seizures, but there are medications to control their disease. There is a way for an addict to control their disease. I find when I feel sorry for my daughter then her disease has me too. You are giving him 60 days. I will pray that he decides to find recovery again. And I will pray for you to have the strength to step back and let him go. Hugs, Marle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
That cool breeze must be you guys opening the door and letting in a piece of sanity..thanks, thanks, thanks
it's all too easy for me to stop reaching out for help, and yet I know if I reach, help and my hp are always, always there
---and thanks for the(((hugs))!!- you know, they're not fattening, so you can never have too many...
it's all too easy for me to stop reaching out for help, and yet I know if I reach, help and my hp are always, always there
---and thanks for the(((hugs))!!- you know, they're not fattening, so you can never have too many...
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Nitelite
I certainly can relate to everything you said. I can feel your pain and your worries. I've been there numerous times believe me.
My adult son is the addict in my life and he is presently in prison (fire camp) for another 18 months. He also had the world by the tail but, after being clean for 5 years, he fell back into the drug scene and lost everything.
I did all the same things that you are doing right now and that is "awlfulizing" i.e., he has no place to eat, sleep, wash, etc., but all the "awlfulizing" and worry in the world didn't change one thing.
The only thing that has changed is the fact that he has learned that he doesn't like being homeless! That's a good thing. In fact, because I will not let him come home to live when he gets out of prison this time, he is planning on going into a program. He says he will have 3 years clean but needs a program to learn how to stay that way.
I don't know if he will or not, but know that I've done everything possible to help him, and it didn't do one bit of good. Moral of the story is when they are ready they will do it and it will have to be on their own.
Prayers coming your way.
Hugs, Devastated
My adult son is the addict in my life and he is presently in prison (fire camp) for another 18 months. He also had the world by the tail but, after being clean for 5 years, he fell back into the drug scene and lost everything.
I did all the same things that you are doing right now and that is "awlfulizing" i.e., he has no place to eat, sleep, wash, etc., but all the "awlfulizing" and worry in the world didn't change one thing.
The only thing that has changed is the fact that he has learned that he doesn't like being homeless! That's a good thing. In fact, because I will not let him come home to live when he gets out of prison this time, he is planning on going into a program. He says he will have 3 years clean but needs a program to learn how to stay that way.
I don't know if he will or not, but know that I've done everything possible to help him, and it didn't do one bit of good. Moral of the story is when they are ready they will do it and it will have to be on their own.
Prayers coming your way.
Hugs, Devastated
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Oh Nitelite I can certainly relate to what you are going through. I became familiar with the disease of addiction at 18 when I married my 1st husband. After growing up in a loving home, what did I know about addiction. So despite my parents protests I married this man. After 10 yrs of trying everything I knew, then sitting in Gam-Anon for at least 2 of the 10 I divorced him. I am remarried 23 yrs to a wonderful man. I am here now at SR because my 40 yr old son is an addict. This past Thursday after 27+ yrs my ex husband called me. I was in shock & did not even recognize his voice. He related a lifetime of addiction, from gambling to coke to heroin. I told him about our son ( first time I said our since he was 8 yrs old ) & asked him if he could try talking to him. He said I will if you want me to but I can tell you from my own experience that until he has enough there is nothing anyone can do or say that will help.
Today I told my AS I didn't want to see him or talk to him anymore as long as was choosing this lifestyle ( drugs & all that goes with it, stealing, lying, jail etc )
It was hard but because of my ex calling when he did & because of SR & all the support & help I found here I did it.
I am praying for you & your son. If my ex can be clean & sober after a lifetime of addiction I know there is hope for everyone.
Love,
Diane
Today I told my AS I didn't want to see him or talk to him anymore as long as was choosing this lifestyle ( drugs & all that goes with it, stealing, lying, jail etc )
It was hard but because of my ex calling when he did & because of SR & all the support & help I found here I did it.
I am praying for you & your son. If my ex can be clean & sober after a lifetime of addiction I know there is hope for everyone.
Love,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
((Nitelite))
He did it once, he can do it again. He knows the good life and he will want it back.
Most often the things we think are going to happen often don't. Remember he is not stupid.........he knows how to take care of himself. If he knows how to get his drugs, he will find food and shelter. Just because he is an addict does not mean that he can't think for himself. I was told that first hand from a former addict.
This may all work itself out befor his 60 days. We all know that things change from day to day.
Love and prayers...........Lo
He did it once, he can do it again. He knows the good life and he will want it back.
Most often the things we think are going to happen often don't. Remember he is not stupid.........he knows how to take care of himself. If he knows how to get his drugs, he will find food and shelter. Just because he is an addict does not mean that he can't think for himself. I was told that first hand from a former addict.
This may all work itself out befor his 60 days. We all know that things change from day to day.
Love and prayers...........Lo
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((NiteLite)))))))))
Hi and welcome. I'm Linda, and the mother of a 25 yo addicted son.
No matter how hard it gets for them, it seems to be that much harder on us moms.
Am I right? We know the drill, though sometimes our thoughts, feelings, and love for our children seem to boggle our brain and we can only think, "what can I do for him/her that will make him/her see the light?" Answer is....nothin'.
Just keep letting HP do His job for our kids, and take care of ourselves, mind, body, and soul, so that when the time comes that they are ready to succumb to recovery, we're strong enough, mentally and physically, to be there for them.
I'm glad your here and I hope you stick around.
While reading your thread, I was really taken with your wording. You have a talent for storytelling. I like that.
Keep coming back, read the stickys, get to know everyone, and share your own recovery on our path. I'm movin' over and makin' room.
Your new sr buddy,
Hi and welcome. I'm Linda, and the mother of a 25 yo addicted son.
No matter how hard it gets for them, it seems to be that much harder on us moms.
Am I right? We know the drill, though sometimes our thoughts, feelings, and love for our children seem to boggle our brain and we can only think, "what can I do for him/her that will make him/her see the light?" Answer is....nothin'.
Just keep letting HP do His job for our kids, and take care of ourselves, mind, body, and soul, so that when the time comes that they are ready to succumb to recovery, we're strong enough, mentally and physically, to be there for them.
I'm glad your here and I hope you stick around.
While reading your thread, I was really taken with your wording. You have a talent for storytelling. I like that.
Keep coming back, read the stickys, get to know everyone, and share your own recovery on our path. I'm movin' over and makin' room.
Your new sr buddy,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to s.r.,nitelite. i am sorry this has happened to your son, it sounds as if he had a promising future before drugs.it takes the best of people along with the worse.my son is the addict in my life. i am sorry about all of this. it sounds as if you have been in recovery,that is a good thing.please keep coming back here.we care.i will say a prayer for you & your son.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Welcome-I am the mother of a son who was first addicted to crack--recovered--then alcohol.He is 27 now and it has been years of a nightmare...finally he is clean/sober for 7 months. I am happy he is alive. So sorry about your son--but he can always getback on track--there is always hope...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 285
It is something about what you said about the tears. My as was always kind of a cry baby when he was young. It never took much for him to cry. But when my husband told him to leave our home, he didn't shed a tear. I found that weird. I know what you mean about just wanting to tell them to stop already, don't ruin your life, but we just can't fix them. It's sad, and I too pray that I don't get a phone call that he's in jail or laying in a ditch somewhere. But I guess all we can do right now is take care of ourselves and pray to the HP.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: totally lost
Posts: 250
Welcome to SR Nite!
After several rehabs, thousands of dollars and on the verge of insanity we kicked AS out of our house last August. He slept on park benches for awhile, then stayed with another addict that had no heat/hot water all winter, begging/stealing/coniving for money and food the whole time. He lost so much weight, his ribs were sticking out everywhere and looked like death warmed over everytime we saw him.
My heart was breaking the whole time, but I had to be strong until he was ready.
We were lucky....he came down with pneumonia and almost died right after the new year. There is nothing like almost dying to wake someone up.
I'm happy to say, he's 5 months clean and sober now, but it was totally his decision. We brought him home to recuperate, but HE decided that he wanted to live a real life. He now lives in an Oxford House and is doing terrific. I cannot possibly recommend the Oxford House system any higher than I do. And I know they are pretty much everywhere. But that's only for when your AS is ready.
In the meantime...lots of prayers and hugs for YOU!
Love, Barb
After several rehabs, thousands of dollars and on the verge of insanity we kicked AS out of our house last August. He slept on park benches for awhile, then stayed with another addict that had no heat/hot water all winter, begging/stealing/coniving for money and food the whole time. He lost so much weight, his ribs were sticking out everywhere and looked like death warmed over everytime we saw him.
My heart was breaking the whole time, but I had to be strong until he was ready.
We were lucky....he came down with pneumonia and almost died right after the new year. There is nothing like almost dying to wake someone up.
I'm happy to say, he's 5 months clean and sober now, but it was totally his decision. We brought him home to recuperate, but HE decided that he wanted to live a real life. He now lives in an Oxford House and is doing terrific. I cannot possibly recommend the Oxford House system any higher than I do. And I know they are pretty much everywhere. But that's only for when your AS is ready.
In the meantime...lots of prayers and hugs for YOU!
Love, Barb
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