bren38

Hello all, I haven't been around much lately. I have stopped by on occasion as a guest and read some of your posts but haven't said much. I've been too self absorbed in my own life trying to figure things out and adjust to my rah who has been home several weeks now. Things seem to be ok. He is really doin good and focused on his recovery. Communicates better than he ever did the whole 10 years we've been together. But I seem to still bounce around not knowing my place just yet. I am inconsistent in my attitude towards him which I'm sure confuses the heck out of him. I know this cause I confuse myself.

Yesterday he was goin out with his "new clean friends", bowling, meeting, and out to eat. I told him that was ok if he would rather do that than go with me and kids to his families get together. But when it came time for him to leave, I suddenly gave him guilt. Its like I wanted that to happen. I should be happy that he has changed and I am with the drug free part but I sure do struggle with the "new friends" part. I know this is "what he needs" and I need to let him and "do something for myself". But its like I'm stuck in this pattern of thinking and resist any kind of change.

This morning we were gettin ready for church. I went to the trash can outside and saw empty alcohol bottles in trash where he had cleaned out his truck. (these were from before he went to rehab. What a major trigger!!! I went off!! He had hid them at that time. He responded with "all thats in the past". And he is right. It ended with me saying I wasnt goin to church cause boys didn't have shoes to wear and so he went with his parents which also made me mad cause I accused him of not being able to go anywhere without someone holding his hand.

Sometimes I cant stand myself. I hate when I do or say things but its like I cant help myself. I am not a mean or bad person. I justify it by all the sh** he did. I want to be more understanding but something inside me wants to hold on to the other. And just when I think I'm starting to do that, BAM there I go again. He prob. would be better off without me, although he says he wouldn't.

Anyway..... I know you are prob. wondering why I'm telling you all of this. IDK why...confessing my shortcomings I guess.

rozied

Hi Bren, I know myself even when I forgive it is very hard to forget. When someone has lied to me over & over & has broken trust it takes a long time ( if ever ) to learn to trust again. You have to rebuild your relationship & that takes time. From what you have posted it seems to me like you are afraid and that is why you are reacting like you are. Do you attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon mtgs besides coming here? The people in this forum have taught me alot & if coming here helps try & come here more often. I firmly believe as much as a recovering needs support, so do recovering codies. That is just my humble opinion & I am still learning myself.
Love,
Diane

teke

well bren, don't feel like the lone ranger, it happens to me too sometimes. i think that it takes time to get over all the past hurts, try not to beat yourself up. i have to remind myself and i'm not gonna get it all in one day. at least you are recognizing areas that you think your need to work on. thats makes for a good working plan of recovery. still praying for you and yours

bren38

Thanks y'all, I think I'm sorta jealous of him.... cause he's moving forward and I'm not. And I am afraid. I put on a real tough no ones gonna do that to me attitude. And am quick to let him have it. But deep down I think I am scared and insecure, and selfish. Cause I want my old life back, minus the drug use. I'm afraid he will outgrow me now.

teke

have you gone to any meetings yet, its your choice whether or not he out grows you, maybe its time for you to completely focus on you and your recovery. youre are growing though, you're recognizing areas that you may want to work on and thats a good thing. just keep moving forward and you'll get there, it takes time.

rozied

I can only tell you what I have experienced. My 1st husband was a compulsive gambler and his addiction destroyed our marriage. I had 2 sons with him & even divorced him & remarried him at one point. After 10 yrs I ended it for good. He had gotten in trouble with the police & left town but I was to join him. After he left I started college at age 27. Three mts after he left I found out he had taken up with a topless dance. That pretty well eded it for me. By the time I saw him again, I had changed & grown alot.
To get to my point he called me after that begging for me to give him yet another chance. He called me & said " I always loved you but now I am in love with you " I could honestly say " Well it is too late I am not in love with you anymore "
I know my ex is not your hubby but he had evidently not outgrown me, in fact he was now " in love with me ".
I am not sure rereading this that my experience even applies here.
If what I shared doesn't apply don't give it a second thought.
I don't believe that is a matter of you not growing. It seems to me that you have been hurt really deeply & it will take alot of time for you to trust him again. You say he is moving ahead in his recovery. Do you go to face to face mtgs. All of us at SR have our own issue of co-dependency to work on. As a co-dependent you also need the support you can only get here & by face to face mtgs.
Love,
Diane

bren38

Well.... Everyone keeps telling me to go to those meetings. And I continue to resist doing that. Im not sure if its cause I think if I ignore it long enough it will disappear (which deep down I know wont happen) or just plain rebellion, (meaning this is your problem not mine), (i do no its now mine but I like to go in denial.) Or just the I can fix it myself attitude. It is prob all of the above but more of the latter. I like to think I can fix it myself. In time. I do not accept change very well. My rah wants me to do things with him and the na group when they have functions. I really dont want to be a part of it. I wish I was more willing. But if I dont change we will grow apart and I will lose him.

bren38

I resent HAVING to change.

teke

i don't know if you know it or not, but alanon and naranon meetings are all about you, they are not about him. he has his own support group. addiction effects all who loves and live with an addict, we need recovery too. the meetings are much like being here, only a lot more hands on, you get to meet new people and learn new things about yourself and how to get through personal painful issues that in the end makes for a better you. maybe if you could just try one or two out, then decide if its not for you.

bren38

But see its easier talking to y'all. Here I feel free and comfortable to talk. To be vulnerable, weak, whatever. Its harder face to face. I am very comfortable around people i know. But I have trouble sharing my innermost feelings with strangers. Yet I dont know anyone else in my life who has been thru this.

bren38

I guess like my rah I will have to hit rock bottom before I seek help outside of this website. Maybe in time I will get the courage to go. Thanks all.... you have helped. Just talking to someone about my feelings help.

teke

well bren, as much as i know that the meeting help, i haven't been able to go either. i keep posting and sharing here, its been my life saver. when i first came here, i was one crazy lady.

bren38

Thanks for sharing that Teke. I am glad you are here posting and sharing. You have helped me a great deal. Somehow... I know when I come here I can count on you to show up and share your wisdom and experiences. I value that. It is a comfort to know I can show up here and vent without judgement. Even when I dont post a long time and come back.... I always feel welcome.