Trying To Deicde
 

I called my AS yesterday. He finally says " Mom I want to tell the truth about what has been going on the last few mts " He proceeded to tell me that when someone came to wk at the post office told him he could not get permanent because of his record, he starting feeling sorry for himself & went bk to using. He admitted he has not been working. I kind of knew all of this all along now here is my dilema. I want very much to go & see him, yet I don't want to go because I don't want to hear all about his problems & get caught up with the drama again. I get anxious just thinking about it His problems are ALL of his own making yet when I hear about them I automatically start to think how can they be solved. I do not want to help him solve his problems as I know he must do this all by himself yet I always wind up feeling sorry plus then I worry. Until he takes the initiative to fix his own life there is nothing I can do about it. He lives at least a 2 hr one way drive from me. Mr Rozied does not want me to go.
Any thoughts on this would be appreciated though I know this is a decision only I can make.
Love,
Diane

I can only share my experience. I kept thinking that somehow I could make it work seeing my AD. What I found is that a relationship based on feeling sorry for someone who is not willing to help herself does not work. I see the progression of the disease and I can't do it. I tried so I do not feel guilty. I want to be happy and seeing my daughter is just working against that. I told her the last time I talked to her that I can't see her but it does not mean that I don't love her. She told me that I should stop worrying, that she will be okay someday. So, I locked that message on my phone and when I start feeling sad, I read it. And then I pray and give her to God. I hope that you find your answer and Rozied, I think you will. Hugs, Marle

My two cents, I agree with Mr R, hands off, it will not be healthy for you.

i think mr rozied is right rozied, it is his problem, i mean sounds like he just thought it felt better for him to tell you. what did he expect you to do about it? maybe you just want to see him just because you are mom, but if you this that seeing him is not good for you right now, maybe you could think it through first then decide if you still want to go.

i think that he'll eventually work it out on his own. maybe its time for you to do something that you've always wanted to do for yourself and didn't yet. maybe you could take a step back today, and think about it and then decided whether or not you still want to go tomorrow, one day at a time, even if you decided to go, you don't have to go now, or today. try to give yourself that time to decided what is best for you to do concerning him and let it be just because i'll make you feel better. i'm praying that he gets back up and continue in his recovery. i'm praying for strength for you and mr rozied.

Marle, Dolly & Teke, Thank you for your input. You are all right it would not be good for me. I know that the only way he will ever be all right is if he does it for himself.
My heart is too soft & I worry too much about things I can do nothing about. If I go to see him I would only wind up worrying myself sick. It is too hard seeing him like this. Marrle one of the reasons I wanted to go is that I feel guilty because I have not yet visited him in his new place.
Thanx so much,
Diane

Diane, I really believe that you have to do what you have to do. When the time comes that it is too painful for you, I know that you will let go. There really is no right or wrong when it comes to loving our children. But you have to remember that what you are visiting is really addiction. Your son is in there but you are not seeing him right now. He is using you for a confessional, something that is better left between him and God. You can't absolve him of his guilt and telling you only makes you feel worse. I remember many nights lying in bed trying to think of ways to help my daughter. The thing that worked for me was telling myself NO, she has to do it herself. Fix one mess and they just make another and each mess gets harder and harder to fix. Leaves us exhausted and for what. They just keep doing what addicts do. Love him but let him find his own way. Make a boundary that helps you keep your sanity. And don't worry about being perfect. I still have slips. It is so hard because we are moms and they are our children. Hugs, Marle

Rozied - do you ever practice setting small boundaries? Perhaps skipping a phone call, hanging up first, saying "I have to go. Bye" without waiting for him to finish his conversation.

Maybe with some practice you will feel strong enough to visit your son without risking your serenity...

((hugs))

Diane, I do think what BigSis said is the key. Try not to feel guilty about not having seen him at his new place yet...You know that it isn't about guilt it is about allowing him to make his own choices and learn what he needs to learn. It's also allowing you to not be sick because wanting to help is so physically and emotionally draining (and non-productive as well)

I do understand your pain as everyone who has repsonded so well to you does. This isn't easy, but I like how Marle said it to her daughter...she can not see her, but it doesn't mean she does not love her.

Hugs and prayers

Marle what did you tell her? He has already called this morning & when I told him I loved him but had my doubts about seeing him as I did not want to get caught up with the drama of his addiction, he got angry with me & said " then don't call me anymore " I said " Fine, I won't " & hung up on him. I became angry myself. Now I fel bad & am wanting to call him back.
Please help,
Love,
Diane

My daughter and I went through what you are going through many times before the last time. My biggest fear was that I would never see her again. That is what kept me trying over and over again. Each time ended with one of us being upset, usually me. I know that fear. Wanting to call and apologize for something that I did not create. The last time I talked (well actually it was messaging) to her I just told her that our relationship was in the sh*tter because of her addiction. She acknowledged that was the truth. I told her that I was trying to learn everything that I can about her addiction and that I loved her. She said she knew that I was trying because she could see I was treating her differently. I was kinder. That is when I told her that my fear was that she was going to die and that I could not continue to see her because I could not handle the destruction that addiction causes but it did not mean that I did not love her. That is when she told me not to worry, that she knows that she will be okay. We told each other that we loved each other and said goodbye. It did not happen instantly, like I said, we had many arguments, many sad partings. But I really think that my daughter understands that I want the best for her, but she has to do it herself. I will not let her blame me. If she tries, I instantly tell her it is her problem, not mine. I am working on myself. If you told your son how you feel, then let it go. You stood up for yourself and you were honest with him. I am sure he will call again, but let it be him that calls. You can then lay down some more ground rules. You can agree to talk to him if he is civil and does not burden you with his problems. He is going to be angry because you are changing the rules on him. Baby steps. You will be okay, but, just like the addict has to want to get better, we codies must want to get better too. Hugs, Marle

Diane, One more thing and I don't mean this to sound mean, but a 40 year old man's best friend and confidant should not be his mom. I am finding that to be true for me too with my daughter. Addicts are lonely people and they will keep coming back to the people that they know they can take advantage of until we put a stop to it. You are the one who has to draw the boundaries. In drawing your boundaries you are teaching him something too. Hugs, Marle

Rozied,
Hugs to you. I think all us moms have been where you are. For sure, I KNOW I have. Always wanting to jump in and solve the problem, lend a helping hand, show my unconditional love.

But, (there's always a but) we are impending their recovery everytime we jump when we feel sympathy for them. We love them, and they know that, really deep inside, they know.

We have to love them enough to let them find their way.

Hugs to you, and prayers to you, Mr. Rozied, and your son...

P.S. I had it so bad, I wrote myself post it notes, and placed them by the phone so I could discuss ANYTHING, BUT addiction. Step by step I squashed my enabling behavior.

My all time favorite is:

"I love you so much, you're so smart, I know you'll find your way"....(thanks Cats)

Thanks so much Diane for the hugs & the prayers. I sure needed them today. I think you are right here as my AS gets very angry with me when all I talk about is his addiction. I am going to a Al-Anon mtg this wk. I believe Mr R & I need that more than counseling. I sure wish there was a Nar-Anon mtg in my neck of the woods but there isn't. I realy liked the quote you thanked Cats for. The next time my AS calls I am going to use it.

Hugs Right Back At Ya,
Diane

Hi Rozied
 

I have to agree with Mr. Rozied because it would serve no purpose for you to go there. If you're anything like this codie, you will immediately think of ways to solve his problems. This wouldn't be good for him or for you because he will not have lerned anything except that he could always depend on you when the going gets tough.

Nope, as difficult as it is, Rozied, we must remember that one day we went be around and they will have to eventually learn how to solve their own problems, just as we have had to do in our lives.

Just think how happy you're going to be when he figures everything out on his own. Better yet, just think how good this will be for his self-esteem when he does.

Hugs & Prayers to stay strong coming your way

Devastated

i would not go see him i always feel better if i do not have contact or to much contact with me my a.s he always talks about his problems & i can not fix them. that is where the detach with love comes in.i love him very much but he make his bed & i do not want to sleep in it. prayers for u & your son.

Whether or not you go see him...
Allow him to face the consequences of his actions otherwise you are stealing the
gift of life from him.


Just a way to look at it.

HI,
I know how you feel also! Someone gave me a quote Carol Burnett once said about her daughter, Carrie, while she was on drugs..."sometimes you gotta love someone enough to let them hate you for a while." I keep holding on to that.
God bless you

Rozied- I dont know about you but after reading all the above I have alot of ideas on how to handle various issues with our son. These suggestions are great and the support and wonderful caring people are unbelieveable. All of the different suggestions are of course from their own personal stories and how they were able to keep their sanity. These people are great. I guess that is why we all keep coming back. Good luck with your son.

rozied,

don't think for a minute addicts don't know us, a.k.a. moms, like a book! Oh my son knows every button. He'd tell me how his wife "caused" the argument and I'd halfway believe him. He'd tell me how much he "needed" my hug! He just knew what fed my guilt. The point........I have not called him (and I am not angry and did not leave on bad terms) for four days. I think they're fine or I'd have heard by now. I am going to a play tomorrow and visiting my girls in college after the play. I have decided life is here for me to enjoy so I am going to do my best each day.

Go do something special for yourself and not to be rude but please don't get sucked into the drama. You are a good and decent person. You deserve all the good things that life has to offer. You and Mr. R go do something just for the two of you..... hugs, dixie