Trying To Deicde
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Dear Rozied,
When I read your first post, I had to ask myself, why is her son calling her to tell her he relapsed? This must be some kind of set-up he doing to her, like he doesn't have his rent or something because of what happened with his job at the post office.
By the time I got to your third post and he had become angry I knew for sure. A few months ago I read the "The Manipualtive Child" by E.W. Swihart Jr., M.D. & Patrick Cotter, Ph.D.
It made such a difference in how I saw what my RAB had been doing when he was using. Before, I had been so baffled by his quick mood changes that it would throw me off balance. After reading that book I didn't fall for it again. What was really interesting was that after I started not falling for the first tactic he would switch to the next. After a few attempts he would just stop and apologize.
I wish I would have read that book when I first got sober. I could not figure out why life wasn't working for me. I now understand it was because I had been able to manipulate my parents from a very young age. They loved me.
The advice you received above was right on. I especially appreciate Cats via Moose "I love you so much, you're so smart, I know you'll find your way".....
These are perfect!
Lithloren
When I read your first post, I had to ask myself, why is her son calling her to tell her he relapsed? This must be some kind of set-up he doing to her, like he doesn't have his rent or something because of what happened with his job at the post office.
By the time I got to your third post and he had become angry I knew for sure. A few months ago I read the "The Manipualtive Child" by E.W. Swihart Jr., M.D. & Patrick Cotter, Ph.D.
It made such a difference in how I saw what my RAB had been doing when he was using. Before, I had been so baffled by his quick mood changes that it would throw me off balance. After reading that book I didn't fall for it again. What was really interesting was that after I started not falling for the first tactic he would switch to the next. After a few attempts he would just stop and apologize.
I wish I would have read that book when I first got sober. I could not figure out why life wasn't working for me. I now understand it was because I had been able to manipulate my parents from a very young age. They loved me.
The advice you received above was right on. I especially appreciate Cats via Moose "I love you so much, you're so smart, I know you'll find your way".....
These are perfect!
Lithloren
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Rozied,
My son was a full blown drug users for 7 years. He put me through hell and back simply because I was his mother. Well, in actual fact I put myself through all of this because I cared, wanted to know he was Ok. It took that long for me to say NO.
I found that I was the only one he came to for help. Mum will fix it.
Finally I cracked, NO more and if he wanted to see me I met him somewhere because I wouldnt allow him in my home the way he was because it would always end in disaster. He got to the point of unemployable, penniless and living in the streets, Stole food to survive. It killed me just about !
Had to answer his questions without a question. You know like.... Ok thats nice.
Really! I will leave that up to you.
It makes them accountable and finally he came good. He has been back living with me for a year and a half. Has a good job and smiles now!!
Occasionally he goes off the rails and I just wont take anymore. I show him the door.
I would leave him for now until he comes to you.
My son was a full blown drug users for 7 years. He put me through hell and back simply because I was his mother. Well, in actual fact I put myself through all of this because I cared, wanted to know he was Ok. It took that long for me to say NO.
I found that I was the only one he came to for help. Mum will fix it.
Finally I cracked, NO more and if he wanted to see me I met him somewhere because I wouldnt allow him in my home the way he was because it would always end in disaster. He got to the point of unemployable, penniless and living in the streets, Stole food to survive. It killed me just about !
Had to answer his questions without a question. You know like.... Ok thats nice.
Really! I will leave that up to you.
It makes them accountable and finally he came good. He has been back living with me for a year and a half. Has a good job and smiles now!!
Occasionally he goes off the rails and I just wont take anymore. I show him the door.
I would leave him for now until he comes to you.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thank you all, My posts are sometimes so long & I have carpal tunnel in my right hand so I don't always mention everyone who posts by name.
My SS came for breakfast this AM on his way home from work & it was really nice. You know I still haven't told my sons their dad called but I have let them know there has been contact. My AS I know would very much like to see him. My SS on the other hand doesn't really know him and as much as he'd like to he doesn't want my ex' & his family to have his phone number. My ex is not yet ready to speak to his sons anyway so there is time. It took all he had to call me & I am sure I told him things he is going to need time to handle. That being said I have decided what I must do. I believe my HP really knows what He is doing. After all these yrs my ex calls me. It got me thinking I loved him with everything that was in me, I gave this man my soul & that's where I made my mistake. I loved him & gave him 10 yrs before ending it. Well I have given my son 20 yrs & I cannot do it anymore. Pretend nothing is wrong & I am happy with him when my heart is breaking thinking about all the crap he just dumped on me. His actions have hurt alot more people than just me, they hurt my family, people I also love that love me back. I am not going to visit him, not now, not with the life style he has chosen to live, I just can't do it anymore. If I could end it with his father, I can end it with him & as you all helped me see it does not have to be forever, the choice is his. As long as he is doing the things he does don't call me or expect me to visit & make believe it doesn't bother me when you are telling me you may go to jail for 10 yrs & Well if he does so be it. By 40 you should know not to write bad checks.
I am glad I have finally made a decision. Now maybe I can have some peace & serenity in my life.
Thanks to everyone again for sharing.
Love & Prayers & Hugh Hugs To You All,
Diane
My SS came for breakfast this AM on his way home from work & it was really nice. You know I still haven't told my sons their dad called but I have let them know there has been contact. My AS I know would very much like to see him. My SS on the other hand doesn't really know him and as much as he'd like to he doesn't want my ex' & his family to have his phone number. My ex is not yet ready to speak to his sons anyway so there is time. It took all he had to call me & I am sure I told him things he is going to need time to handle. That being said I have decided what I must do. I believe my HP really knows what He is doing. After all these yrs my ex calls me. It got me thinking I loved him with everything that was in me, I gave this man my soul & that's where I made my mistake. I loved him & gave him 10 yrs before ending it. Well I have given my son 20 yrs & I cannot do it anymore. Pretend nothing is wrong & I am happy with him when my heart is breaking thinking about all the crap he just dumped on me. His actions have hurt alot more people than just me, they hurt my family, people I also love that love me back. I am not going to visit him, not now, not with the life style he has chosen to live, I just can't do it anymore. If I could end it with his father, I can end it with him & as you all helped me see it does not have to be forever, the choice is his. As long as he is doing the things he does don't call me or expect me to visit & make believe it doesn't bother me when you are telling me you may go to jail for 10 yrs & Well if he does so be it. By 40 you should know not to write bad checks.
I am glad I have finally made a decision. Now maybe I can have some peace & serenity in my life.
Thanks to everyone again for sharing.
Love & Prayers & Hugh Hugs To You All,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
((Rozied)) A little something my son e-mailed to me. You probably heard this before, but it's always good to read and re-read.
One of the first changes we can make is to let go of others: their opinions, their behaviors, and their responsibilities. Our need for them to fulfill our expectations is related to our insecurity, not theirs. Every time we preach or take on others duties, we must recognize that we are preventing much-needed growth, our and theirs.
Our intentions might always have been good. But the time has come to let others live their own lives. It's quite enough to take care of ourselves.
I find when I am feeling torn this is a good read.
Do what is right for you............Lo
One of the first changes we can make is to let go of others: their opinions, their behaviors, and their responsibilities. Our need for them to fulfill our expectations is related to our insecurity, not theirs. Every time we preach or take on others duties, we must recognize that we are preventing much-needed growth, our and theirs.
Our intentions might always have been good. But the time has come to let others live their own lives. It's quite enough to take care of ourselves.
I find when I am feeling torn this is a good read.
Do what is right for you............Lo
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Sweet Rozied,
20 years is too long to have battled this. You must be feeling so tired. You know I relate to this too.
Stand tall and be strong. Say No. Be Assertive and leave him be. Turn around and live your life and love your new husband.
He is 40 years old and when and if he is ready to change his life, you will be there and he will be a different man.
Only then can you take him back in your arms.
I have been here and this is the only real advise I can give you.
He will return one day as the child you once knew (you know what I mean, even if he is 40 you will see the boy you once knew)
Jo
20 years is too long to have battled this. You must be feeling so tired. You know I relate to this too.
Stand tall and be strong. Say No. Be Assertive and leave him be. Turn around and live your life and love your new husband.
He is 40 years old and when and if he is ready to change his life, you will be there and he will be a different man.
Only then can you take him back in your arms.
I have been here and this is the only real advise I can give you.
He will return one day as the child you once knew (you know what I mean, even if he is 40 you will see the boy you once knew)
Jo
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