Blackrose2756

I've been sick this week & yesterday I had to go to a mandatory unemployment orientation. The woman basically told me I would take whatever job SHE saw fit & if I didn't like it....I could move out of "Peoria". Every few words she was making comments about the neighborhood I live in. It's not ritzy, but not slummy either. And this is NOT my home, it's my parent's house. I went in there with a fever, feeling like crap & got treated as if I was just someone "using" the system. I left there wanting to scream.

Today I went for the intake for a new counselor. We talked about some options & I think I'm going to like the new place.

On the other side, I've been getting these weird feelings & I kind of got caught up in "checking" again. The whole time my ex & I were together, we had a weird connection. I was 2,000 miles away & he would know when I needed to talk to him. He answered letters before he read them. And since we've been apart, when I wake up in the middle of the night thinking something is wrong...I later find out he was arrested or in jail or in some other kind of trouble.

Anyway, long story short. I discovered he is no longer at the trailer park. It appears that the old gf he was with had enough & threw him out. He's back in his old neighborhood, which is good & bad.

NO, I don't have to urge to contact him & try to "fix him". I just hope that perhaps this will be his bottom. I have to admit that I still miss the man he WAS & even though I know I might never see him again. I still hope that he finds his way back to "real" recovery. And funny, but it gave me incentive to work on me. When he 1st walked back into my life...he fell in love with a strong, independent, kind, loving woman who didn't take crap from anyone. I'm not the woman he fell in love with either at this point. And I want to be the woman I used to be.......all those things I was before addiction walked into our lives.

Lynne

teke

i think that you are doing good, at least you know what you want your life to be like and is working on making it better. i pray that your bf finds his way soon. still praying for ya.

i'm sorry about what happened at the job, but i'm sure that it'll all work out in the end

Ann

We may not be able to be the person we used to be, but the person we are today is wiser and stronger and healthier than the person we were. I know that for all the gifts this program has given me, it was worth all the pain that it took to bring me here. Not that I'd wish that pain on anyone, but today I wouldn't trade my life with anyone else.

As you heal, as you move on, you will realize how much you have grown and how much stronger you have become. And that's a good thing.

Hugs

hope213

i hope you get to feeling better. don't let anyone puty you down. you deserve & so do i. sending prayers, hope

newblue82

Looks like you took something positive out of a nasty day. That's always a plus. Of course, you still have a concern for your ex. I mean you were in love with him at some point. Someone once told me that it's our addicts we love not their addiction which I took to basically mean it's the person we love (the sober part, the caring part, the dependable part, the trustworthy part, etc.) not their addiction. I truly hope the both of you make it through true recovery. And get well soon

rozied

Hi Lynne, I have learned over the yrs the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference. My ex was a compulsive gambler, I divorced him after 10 yrs of trying and trying to make things work. I sat in many mtgs of Gamblers Anonymous until I had the strength to end it. I prayed for him everyday as I had 2 sons with him. after 27+ yrs ( cannot remember exactely) he called me ( only last Thursday ) & wanted to know how we all were. I felt nothing like love for him as now he is a stranger. It did help me though to end it ( for as long as it takes ) with my AS. I realized thanks to SR that I cannot tolerate this type of behaviour & act like nothing is wrong. I add my hope & prayers as newblue has posted that you all make it through to true recovery.
Love,
Diane

Blackrose2756

Wow, 27 years. I met my ex when he was 11. Left the state when he was 18 & 16 years later he walked back into my life. We always said we were God's gift of a second chance at life to each other. He really taught me how to love. And I have to say, I still miss the man I love.....(clean, sober, kind, loving)....and that man is NOT the one who is drinking & drugging & is 2,000 miles away. I do pray for him every day. And I guess since my life is NOT turing out as well as I hoped it would after I left PA, I am finding this even harder to be without the ONLY person who ever truly loved me.

And to add to the fun, I got a notice yesterday that my medical is being cut off for some unknown reason. One more thing I have to fight, cause there is no way I could afford a doctor & meds on unemployment.

I was doing so well & then physical & some mental things hit me, along with outside forces & I am pretty down this week. Only good thing to happen was I got a new counselor that I think will be good.

You know, she told me sometimes it's good to cry...but I don't even have a place to do that...cause my parents would never understand. So I stuff & I keep stuffing all the feelings inside & that's not good. The last 2 days I just want to put my fist through a wall.

Lynne

newblue82

Part of my therapy sessions concerned how to deal with stress. My therapist held up a glass of water and asked me how much water I thought was in theglass. After I made my guess, she told me that ultimately how much water is in glass doesn't matter but rather how long she is forced to hold up that glass of water.

Holding the glass up for a few minutes isn't difficult but holding it for hours or days will begin to cause great discomfort and pain and that's how stress works. Eventually, holding one's feelings in and not relieving ourselves of those feelings or stress begins to take its toll. We have to learn to let go of our burdens and if necessary; we can pick them up another day but we need to rest from time to time.

That's why I learned to set aside special time for myself and I had to learn to let go of the burden of concern, anxiety and disappointment that my exAGF brought me. It took practice because taking on the role of care-giver, provider and problem-solver had become so much a part of my identity but with time I perfected it and it REALLY helped.

I cried, I threw tantrums, I wrote letters (and burned them), I read a favorite book or watched a favorite movie and those moments to myself helped me to better prepare myself for my ex's erratic episodes. It was one of the best tools I could take from my therapy sessions. And joining a church and becoming more spiritual brought me even higher and even greater comfort and calm. Black, hang in there and try not to let things get you down