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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Part 7

Old 05-04-2007, 09:49 PM
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No drugs.
Reckless and exciting enough without them. The kind of person everyone would have expected me to be with. Good Job, raced motorcycles for fun until had an awful crash a few years ago. He actually just had a huge surgery and rod put in his leg
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Old 05-04-2007, 09:50 PM
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I was thinking back to what the problem always was, and I think it was too safe, thinking back to the run ins, I always knew I could have him.

FUnny how we grow and change
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Old 05-04-2007, 10:00 PM
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thats the way its been for me too cinder, i've always got over one relationship with another one, and thats something that i just didn't want to do this time, and its been a long time coming. i'm ok today, i never thought that i could be ok alone. i used to envy my, gfs who are happy living alone with just their kids and no man, i just didn't think it possible and now i know and i'm just fine.
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Old 05-04-2007, 10:01 PM
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Completely Blues.

I dont think I really thought of it. I was always looking for the more attractive one. SHallow, yes. I had issues, still obviously do. Now when I look back over things, its strange the memories Im remembering
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Old 05-04-2007, 10:04 PM
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Teke, its weird Ive been alone alot, but not emotionally you know. I always ahd to fee someone loved me, always trying to get the harder catch, the unavailable one. When x husband went to prison, I took his calls, why I couldnt break that tie. AH broke it. AH was gone most of our marriage, Im starting to wonder what I feel... That tells me I have a long way to go and much healing
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Old 05-04-2007, 10:10 PM
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My brain is running wild tonite. As a child my dad was always fishing and such, I tagged along, I loved that lifestyle. Guys liked me because I wasnt afraid of being dirty, something my AH hates about me.

I really would like to innocently go shrimping, but I know this isnt the best person to go with at this time in my life.

Kinda ironic though how life takes us. I met this guy on the playground at school at 8, about 200 yards from where I sit now. We argued over agame of make believe. I was bossy, didnt like him because he stood up to me, yet I was intrigued by him. The following year I remember he was on my class roster and I was upset because he transfered schools. I remember so little of school, but I remember that, weird huh
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Old 05-04-2007, 10:12 PM
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I agree with all those things Blues. But those values always went out the window when I met a badboy
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Old 05-04-2007, 10:16 PM
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He likes prissy girls, flips if I forget to comb my hair. But you know how many guys remarked in the past if Id say be in the window or take off a motorcycle helmet or get caught in the rain, when some girls would whine I just shook out my hair and smiled. AH carries a hair brush everywhere with him even to a construction site
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Old 05-04-2007, 10:20 PM
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The guys on one of AHs crew made him a slot in his tool bag for a brush and hairspray
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Old 05-04-2007, 10:24 PM
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No rockstar hair do. SHort hair (on my myspace pics) I think its part of the low selfworth perfectionist thing
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Old 05-04-2007, 10:25 PM
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He's the kind of guy always flexing in the mirror
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Old 05-04-2007, 10:31 PM
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Good night me too.
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Old 05-04-2007, 10:46 PM
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see yall, i just got off the phone with my talking cousin, she never lets you get a word in edgewise. kind of hard to talk to someone like that.
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Old 05-05-2007, 05:05 AM
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Good Morning everyone.
Im up and dragging, but Im up.
Hope everyone slept well and had a nice one
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Old 05-05-2007, 05:21 AM
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good morning cinder, i woke up with a bad case of missing my ah, wonder if i ran him off to binge, with all the fussing and complaining i was doring when he was trying to do good. i couldn't get over that fear of him cheating and then he went on the binge. was i pushing him over the edge before he used? now i have this desire to tell him that i do love him, but...................... i still don't have the desire to call him, too afraid of what i might find out. so i need a little talking to, this morning,

i think i'm blaming myself for his using, i mean, he was doing all that i asked him to do, but i still found something to complain about. it all started again when i read his journal and found out he admitted to having un protected dealings while being high, but he don't know why i was so angry, never told him that i had read his journal and it brought on the flashbacks and then there was the binge and i just don't know what he does when he's binging or with who. somebody talk to me about this
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Old 05-05-2007, 05:30 AM
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how long do this go on? when do you stop having these kinds of feelings. when do you have to let someone push you over the edge. i mean, no matter what happened when i was getting clean, i didn't allow it to effect my sobriety when i finally made up my mind to get sober.

i mean i did have somewhat of an affair yrs ago but i turned and walked away from that and never looked back and that was after yrs of seperation, never when we were together or even thinking that we would get back together, so i feel as if i've done the same thing but with him, i think he does it everytime he goes on a binge and don't come home all night, i think that it would have been different if only he could pull himself to stop doing those same things that causes me not to fear that. maybe i'm having that self talk, just in case noone's here now
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Old 05-05-2007, 05:40 AM
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i think that he thinks and have told his group that living with me, he's having a hard time focusing on recovery because i can't get over the past, and his counselor is encouraging him to move out, at first he was talking about going back to the halfway house, but then he said last that he was moving into a motel near his job. i'm wondering if it is better for him away from me like he said. i know that i'm better off and deserve more, thats not my issue here. i know that i need to keep the focus on me, so thats not the issue here either, i also know that there is nothing i can do to change him. i guess it would feel better for me now, if i thought at least he was gonna try to get it right and start calling. apart of me thinks that he will and apart of me don't know if he will.

i guess its like the drug, all of a sudden you get this terrible case of the missing ah syndrome, and then it goes away.
i guess its just been a little harder to shake this morning, i slept a tad bit better this morning, now if only i can remember how i slept and on what pillow or what it no pillow. just my thoughts for today and i don't know if i'm finished yet.
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Old 05-05-2007, 05:57 AM
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i think that i made him believe that i hate him, ive said that so many times lately and want him out, but i really don't mean that, i'm just so afraid of being crushed again. so i guess i want him to know this part but i don't want to call him out of fear of being hurt too
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Old 05-05-2007, 06:02 AM
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Teke, I think you had a good talk with yourself... LOL... sounds like he tried recovery but just wasn't quite ready. He would have relapsed with or without your complaining. Hopefully, this relapse will help him get back to wanting recovery and he'll try again. You're strong, and you'll be ok no matter what happens.

It's raining here, no yard sales today. Guess I'll have to clean house now.
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Old 05-05-2007, 06:03 AM
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I'm sorry teke that you are feeling this way. But I guessing and figuring that it has to be normal to miss you AH. Regardless of anything he is your husband, you have children together and have been through many ups and downs together. You did all you could do with him. when a man cheats on his wife, girlfriend whether he was on drugs or not they need to earn the respect it doesnt happen just because they are clean. They also cant use the excuse that they cheated because they were on drugs.

None of this is your fault. You are finally putting yourself first keep doing so. And you know something there is nothing wrong with missing your AH.

Hugs,
jewel
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