Is my husband an addict?

Old 05-02-2007, 10:07 PM
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Question Is my husband an addict?

Is my husband an addict? He does not think so. He thinks he has an addictive personality and needs to be self aware. Here is a summary of his past and present.

* Before I knew him, he was addicted to cocaine.
* After he stopped doing that he became a pothead.
*He stopped everything for awhile-8 months. Then started smoking pot again.
* He met me and knew I did not like pot smoking so he said he stopped. Then he started drinking again.
* He drinks about every night (not excessively)and takes ambien.
* He had lied to me about smoking pot and apparently still did it on occasion when we were dating and since we have been married.
*He quit smoking cigarettes about 2 years ago and recently started up again. (we are separate and he says he started again b/c of stress from that and work)
* He had to take benzodiazipans for a phobia that he has and abused those by taking 9 pills a day instead of three in combination with drinking. He has stopped that.
* He took a darveset from his mother without asking and put it in his Lactaid bottle. He said he took it in case he gets a headache. I found it and flushed it down the toilet.
* He hid prescription pills that he supposedly gave back to his doctor because he was not supposed to take them anymore under the bed in a film container in a shoe box.

*He thinks his behaviors (abusing benzos, hiding pills, and he also was going to have a friend send him xanax in the mail) were situational. Back in Jan. he ended up having to go to the mental ward of the hospital because I got the stomach virus and he has this horrible phobia of it (that I was not aware of the severity until then) . He ended up drinking tons of alcohol, taping butcher knives to his hands, and having to call 911 b/c of suicidal thoughts. My mom came to visit soon after this and just told him that she did not think he was capable of being a good husband to me and some other stuff so he says this triggered the above behaviors. I am separated from him and want him to seek help for his past behaviors so they do not happen again. He is convinced that he does not have a problem since he is not abusing any medicine now. I am not sure. Any advice? Thanks, I am new to this forum.
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Old 05-02-2007, 10:44 PM
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Hi LUNAGREEN and Welcome to SR. I think that anything that walks like a duck and sounds like a duck is a duck. That being said, it only matters if he admits it. That's the only way that he will ever get help. I've noticed that you've said in your post what your husband thinks and what your mother thinks but you never mentioned what you think or feel about your situation.

I do hope that you'll keep coming back here and reading and posting. There are alot of wonderful people here on this forum that have experienced what you have and are very supportive and encouraging. I'm glad that you found us here. Again Welcome.
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Old 05-02-2007, 10:47 PM
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Or However You Spell It....
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Welcome Luna!
Sorry you had to find us this way, but you picked a wonderful place to come for support.
If I may be so blunt, and IMO, yes your husband is an addict.
My ex-boyfriend is the addict in my life. His DOC was cocaine. All though he has been clean for 6 months (supposably), he will always be an addict........he's just a recovering addict now.

There are "triggers" for an addict, but again.....reading that he blamed your mom and what she said triggered his behaviors is ludacris. No one can make him use, cause his behavior, or make him stay clean.

My ex didn't think he had a problem either and could quit any time he wanted to.......but sadly that's just not the case.......not until they are ready and committed to sobriety which usually involves a program of some sort.

The best thing you can do is what you've already started and that's to take care of yourself. Actions more than words will show you how serious he is towards recovery.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both.......and again, welcome to SR.
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Old 05-02-2007, 11:01 PM
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Thanks for your kind welcome. I also think he is an addict, but I do not know that much about addiction.... I am worried about his past and present behaviors and how our marriage will be affected in the future if he does not take steps to change. I guess during our separation he is thinking about if he is willing TO try and change, but he is not admitting to any sort of substance problem. He also tried to tell me that HIS parents do not think he is an addict either. We have tried one marriage counselor, whom he did not like because he told him he needed to take care of his substance problems before we could work on our marriage. But I do think he has a problem and I AM very concerned about it. Thanks,
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Old 05-02-2007, 11:07 PM
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Or However You Spell It....
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Admitting there is a problem is the first step and sadly enough, he doesn't seem to be ready to take that first step.

The reason my ex is my ex is because I couldn't take the chance of going through the chaos addiction brings with it again. So many much deception.

Addiction is a disease much like any other. The drugs trigger reactors in the brain that make one feel pleasure. After some time of use, the brain makes the body feel like it needs that high to feel normal. An addict can't feel normal without using. It takes a lot of courage and strength to get through this and there are a lot of addicts that post on the substance abuse forum who are making by day. I admire the strength and determination they have....but that's what it takes......on both sides.
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Old 05-03-2007, 03:35 AM
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Hello LunaGreen,

Your husband sure sounds like an addict to me....he needs help.
The baffling thing about addiction is that it is the DisEase of denial.

LunaGreen, if I were you, I'd get to Alanon as fast as I can. That is how you will find a way to live a reasonably happy and free life........

Challenge yourself to 90 meetings in 90 days.
Go for it, you're worth it.
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Old 05-03-2007, 04:29 AM
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I also want to welcome you and hope you find some comfort knowing we understand.

He sounds like he is not only an addict but also like he is not ready to find help for himself anytime soon. Blaming others and circumstances for his using, hiding his drugs, stealing them and telling lies about it all...these are all red flags that he cannot stop and is not ready yet for the help he so badly needs. Sadly, we cannot make them stop, only they can do that when the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.

If there are any Naranon, Alanon or CoDA meetings in your area, you would be doing yourself a great favour by going and learning a new way of living for yourself. And keep sharing here because we truly do understand and will walk with you as you struggle through these difficult times.

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Old 05-03-2007, 04:41 AM
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hi luna, welcome to sr. the addict in my life is my husband of 21 yrs, off and on, more off than on due to his addiction, he's been an addict the whole time. sorry that you have this concern but is glad you found us.

the others are right, he'll have to want help in other to get help.addiction is a very hard habit to kick, it will take a do or die determination to quit and only because the addict wants to quit, no other reason usually work. its a progressive desease that can only be arrested by commited recovery work on the addicts part. there is no cure and there is no guarentee.

there is nothing you can do or say to make him change or want to change, it maybe time for you to take the focus off him and turn it completely onto yourself. your mom maybe right as long as he is not working hard, so form of recovery, he can only think about his drug of choice.

there is a lot of infor at the top of the forum page and there are a lot of experience here on the boards, read all you can, knowledge is power, post as much as you want and try to find an alanon or naranon meeting for you in your area. learn to take care of you. its a good thing that you are not living in the mist of his drug drama. it almost drove me crazy, i had to seperate inorder to keep my sanity.

i'll keep you and your husband in my prayers
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Old 05-03-2007, 04:51 AM
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Hi Luna...

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found this site. Its been such a blessing to me. I didn't know much about addiction either until my exah (ex-addicted-husband) decided to give heroin a try about 4 years into our marriage. The best part about SR (aside from how much I've learned here) is knowing that I'm not alone in this struggle.

From my own experience, I'd be willing to bet that you only know a small fraction of what your AH has done in terms of drugs. For every incident you know about, there are probably ten more that you don't. Thats the scary part.

After years of trying to 'help' my exah, I realized that nothing I said or did was going to make one bit of difference. Nothing. I had tried everything up to that point to make my exah see how his addiction was hurting him, me, our marriage, and our son but I might as well have been talking to a brick wall. You can't convince your AH that he has a problem. You just can't. The only thing you can do is take steps to make sure that the consequences of his addiction fall squarely on HIM and not you.

Welcome again to SR...
I hope you stick around a let us get to know you better. This is a wonderful place to work on YOUR recovery.
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Old 05-03-2007, 05:20 AM
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HI Luna and welcome to SR. I am sorry you are having to go through this.Sounds like your husband is an addict. Also sounds like cross-addiction to me with the emphasis on pills. Only he can decide if he wants to get right and clean and work on his addiction and your marriage. Until he makes that decision your relationship is at a standstill. However, you can work on YOU by going to NarAnon meetings or even Alanon if there is no Naranon in your area. Work on yourself and you will feel much better.
He also sounds like he has some fairly serious mental problems. Have you seen his medical records from when he was in the mental ward? If you can get them it might give you an idea about what's REALLY going on in his head. You probably can't just get them, he will have to request them (or, just call them, have them FAX a form to you that he can sign and then have them mailed to your house.
Plus, if you are separated it means that you may end up divorced later in which case those could be useful.
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Old 05-03-2007, 06:34 AM
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welcome to S.R. you had found the support you need.we all care here. stick around & read all the stickys at the top of the "what addicts do."you husband is an addict & there is nothing you can do about his using if that is what he wants to do.learn to take care of you.there is lots of recovery here for works if you work it & it will save your sanity.keep coming back.prayers,hope
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Old 05-03-2007, 08:21 PM
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Thanks to all of you. I am separated right now and just trying to decide if I should get a divorce. There are other reasons besides the addiction problem, but I just wanted to get some support from people who have lived with someone like my husband. I am definitely going to read lots of things on this forum. I have thought about trying alanon or something, but if he is not willing to change and work on it, I may not need to go because I may be headed for divorce.

Do addicts have a hard time having any empathy for others? I just feel like my husband is so selfish and has no empathy for me at all. We are separated, and if I cry, he just does not seem to care too much. He does not even seem sad at all about our separation. Once he told me he could turn his feelings on and off. As I keep thinking about my marriage I really think we are going to end up divorcing.
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Old 05-04-2007, 05:07 AM
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Addiction is the most selfish act, it considers no one else except the addict and drugs.

Drugs control them, they do not control drugs. Yes, to me he is an addict.

Keep in mind, he will be an addict all his life, it's just a matter of whether he is using or not using. That's it.

Keep posting, keep reading, it will help.
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Old 05-04-2007, 07:24 AM
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I am definitely going to read lots of things on this forum. I have thought about trying alanon or something, but if he is not willing to change and work on it, I may not need to go because I may be headed for divorce.
Alanon has taught me about ME.... and that has been a constant in my life. The alcoholics I choose to surround myself with, they come and go. My sick head stays attached to my body... it's with me every day.

Alanon is not about the alcoholic. I hope you can try some meetings... you might be surprised. But I would suggest you try at least 6 meetings... it is a subtle program.

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Old 05-04-2007, 07:27 AM
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let it grow!
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just wanted to welcome you, lunagreen. blessings, k
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Old 05-04-2007, 08:24 PM
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Thanks to all for your great advice! Maybe I will try an Al-anon or Naranon meeting. I do need to focus on myself right now since we are separated. It is just hard for me to do that. I keep thinking about what he is doing-if he is smoking pot, if he is drinking. It can drive me crazy at times.
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Old 05-04-2007, 08:29 PM
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Welcome Lunagreen - nice to have you with us. I just wanted to say "Hi!" - keep posting and let us know how you are doing - I'm a Mom of an AD. Sending HUGS>>>
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Old 05-04-2007, 08:45 PM
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Hi Luna,
Going to Alanon meetings (there aren't any Naranon in my area) helped me to be stronger and more centered. I got alot of feedback and information from others that knew from experience what I was going through and I grew, from listening to others share their experiences and recovery processes. It is a program that can be useful to all areas and relationships in our lives. It is about us and how we deal with our lives and how to gradually recover from the negative and use all of our experiences toward our positive and healthy personal growth for a better today and our future.

I do hope that you'll do as suggested and go to at least 6 meetings before you decide whether it's for you or not. I think that you'll be glad that you did it. I hope that you'll also keep coming back here. It's nice to have a place to come to anytime of the night or day to be with others, kindof like a twenty four hour come & go meeting. If you can do both, it's a very encouraging combination.
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Old 05-05-2007, 08:22 AM
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(((Hello Lunagreen)))!!!! Comming in late here! lol.

Glad to meet you and you will find the best family a flat screen could ever see! Keep coming back!
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Old 05-05-2007, 08:34 PM
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Hello, and glad to meet you. My addict was my abf. Sounded a lot like your situation, one addiction after another, and something else was always the cause of the addiction. I found Naranon and alanon, and worked on me a lot. Take care of you.
The most difficult thing for me to understand, is the empathy thing. I know it is the addiction, not the person, and I learned to separate the two. But, it just is not what a healty choice would do. In a nut shell, ....well he was not healthy. Even though he was going on almost two years.....I cannot say now. He has disappeared out of the blue. I thought just when things were sailing smoothly, and our lives had come full circle. The roller coaster ride was my last. I still have moments where I miss certain things, but I know in my heart, that it was the best for me. I was lost in his turmoils.
Peaceful nights and counting on myself.......ahhhhhh no more lost mendingheart.
You have good people here, keep reading and you will learn a lot. I come in and out now, but there was a time when this place saved my mind.
Love to you.
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