What to do what to do

Old 05-02-2007, 12:09 PM
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What to do what to do

I kicked my AH out 2 months ago. It was a very hard decision on my part. He couldn't or wouldn't stay clean. I tried everything to keep my marriage together. In the beginning he was calling me every 3-5 min. So, I changed my cell #. Since then, there has been very little contact. Normally I just call him on payday for money. I have been through many different emotions over the past 2 months. I have been happy, sad, lonley, content, mad, depressed. It has been like a roller coaster ride. I have tried to find out who I am. I bought a new camera and have been taking classes to use it. I love it! I am been focusing more on me and my son. I finally got out last weekend on a semi-date with an old friend. I had a great time. My finances are finally looking up, all my bills are paid and on time, I even have a little money in savings.
I found out yesterday that AH lost his job. He called me and told me that he hit rock bottom----no job, no car, no wife, no friends, no family, no home. I mean the bottom. He has lived the past 8 days in a crack house with no running water or power. I mean he has never been this bad before. This time he resorted to shooting up, something he always said that he would never do. So, now he claims that he is ready to get clean and move on with his life. He says that he is leaving for rehab the first of next week in another st. He asked if we could talk before he left. So, I went to see him, I took his cousin with me. I knew that I could not go alone. I was totally unprepared for what he looked like. He has lost 50lbs in the past 2 months. He looked like a scared little boy, it broke my heart. Both of us did alot of crying and talking. He asked me not to proceed with the divorce until he comes home from rehab. I told him that I could not promise him anything. All my old feelings came back. Now, I am not sure what I am doing. Is this a codie thing. I feel like such a fool. Any words of wisdom or advice is appreciated.
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Old 05-02-2007, 12:51 PM
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You love him so I think the feelings are normal.
Just try hard not to get wrapped up in them.
I kicked my AH out almost 4 weeks ago. He has no job, no money and his power is being shut off this week sometime. He too had a week ago already lost a lot of weight, mainly because on clean days theres no food money. Im expecting to see the worse when I see him, but remmeber both our husbands need to show change before it really shows any promise of better things to common. Sadly so many go to rehab because its the only place for a free meal.

Hang in there and we are all here if you need to talk
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Old 05-02-2007, 12:57 PM
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Don't feel like a fool. We've all been there. That is why the last time I threw my husband out (1-1/2 years ago now), I couldn't see him. I made the mistake of going to see him one day & he looked as bad as you described. And I came VERY close to letting him come home. But then 2 days later he called & I knew he'd been drinking & I remembered WHY I asked him to leave. He called me two months later...said he'd hit bottom....everything was gone....nobody cared....& I said, "If you get some help, we'll talk". Then I moved back to AZ, knowing that if I stayed there, I'd give in again. And I couldn't do it anymore.

1-1/2 years later....I still miss the man he WAS when he was clean & sober. In all this time he has NOT gotten clean & sober. He found an old gf who bought his crap & moved back in with her. And he has gone back to being the abusive, drunken crackhead he was when I left. He treats her worse than he treated me. He has been arrested 5 times. lost 3 jobs, moved 3 times & from what she says...cheats on her. The only difference is....she's still is willing to give him money to get him out of trouble, lets him drive her car until he loses it, believes him when he says..."I've reached my bottom...this time it will be different". All the things he said to me. But now she tells his family she's stuck....he threatens her if she asks him to leave, she knows he doesn't care about her at all, but doesn't quite know what to do. And, I guess somewhere along the line she realized that I was the woman he loved & even I couldn't change him.

So, point being, no matter what they say or do, no matter what we say or do....they won't change until THEY are ready. And do you want to put up with the pain & misery that he has caused because of his drug use? Even though I still love my ex....I know I couldn't live that way any longer.

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Old 05-02-2007, 01:09 PM
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Or However You Spell It....
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Its hard seeing them like that. I know. When my exabf got to that point my heart fell to my knees. I could see the pain in his eyes. I could see the love he felt for me for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. Don't feel foolish. We've all been there.

The strongest recovery doesn't wipe out the hope that our loved ones will one day be back in our arms again sober, happy and healthy.

No need to make any life decisions right now. Let his actions speak to you more than his words. You'll know the right thing to do for you when you're ready.
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Old 05-02-2007, 01:20 PM
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let it grow!
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i agree with lovetoomuch - you'll know when it's the right time. until then, keep taking care of YOU. blessings, k
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Old 05-02-2007, 04:11 PM
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I agree with everyone. Take care of you. His actions will speak for themselves. It will take a long time in recovery before it is safe for you to believe in him again. Continue to do things that make you happy. If you are meant to be with him, you will. Until then, trust yourself. You are the most important person in your life. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-02-2007, 04:24 PM
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grateful rca
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i agree with all the others, its taken me 21 yrs of the same ole story, to get where i am today, always feeling like there is more that i can do. time to take care of you, time will tell you when to do what. till praying for ya
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:34 PM
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take it one day at a time.just because we hate addiction does not mean we do not love the asddict.make him prove himself before u destry the life u have made for yourself. baby steps..prayers,
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Old 05-02-2007, 08:29 PM
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Nothing to add but hugs and support...there are so many wise and caring souls here!!
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Old 05-03-2007, 04:25 AM
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Truthfully I am really not at liberty to be shelling out advice as though I can follow it-because I am in the same boat as you are.

Isn't it amazing how we can get temporary amnesia after we speak with the addict/see them? They have a way of tangling us back up in their web. Not allowing them to do this is a decision we have to make on our parts but I am finding it is by no means easy. What is easy is to depend on his word- to remain in denial and BELIEVE that he means what he says - "No I am not using" or "Yes I am working a recovery program."
I think on the friends and fam of alcoholics board I read a post where someone advocated a few days to clear the fog from one's eyes and gain a bit of clarity. THe nature of addiction and of our disesase I am learning is that it is progressive. Everytime we take them back it gets a little worse- everytime we believe what they are saying without accompanying action - it becomes a little harder for us to stand up for ourselves and really walk away.
What still helps me is reminding myself that my bf is sick. That he cannot function on an adult level- let alone even in society at the moment. Any attempts made by him to make it seem as though he can are denial and a facade.
I am learning this the hard way but getting sucked back in and then having to work twice as hard to get back to a spot isolated from his insanity.
My thoughts are with you.
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Old 05-03-2007, 06:56 AM
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I understand what you guys are saying, but how do you not get tangled back up with them? We all love them or we would not be where we are. WHat is it about them that we feel that we can't live without. That is the question that I keep asking myself.
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Old 05-03-2007, 07:03 AM
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Or However You Spell It....
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Some will use the term "addicted to their addict" and that makes sense. I say you are temporarily getting a glimpse of the man you fell in love with when they are crying, and apologizing. Those old feelings come rushing back in and hit you upside your heart so hard it sends you in a tail spin. I had to learn to stop thinking with my heart and more with my head. day he just broke my heart one too many times. It's not easy keeping the two separated, but it's a must do if you don't want to get sucked back in. That doesn't mean you stop loving them.
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Old 05-03-2007, 07:48 AM
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I think that your emotins are porbably so raw that I'd probably take a deep breath and just focus on you and your family. There is no short supply of lawyers if and when you feel the need to move forward with seperation or divorce papers. I wouldn't do anything until my emotions settled down. I wouldn't shut any doors either way. I know that IF he is ready to seek help I'd just encourage him and tell him he has to do it for other reason. I will say this.....why would anyone try to get straight if there wasn't hope? Maybe what I would do is find a photograph of happier times and tell him it is possible to have a better life. Let him think about when times were better. But remember that you are dealing with someone who is broken mentally, physically, and spiritually. That is how my AS was and that is what I did for him. He is six months clean and has been home(from intensive rehab) with his wife and family for almost a week. If it lasts.....there are no promises but I did with what I could live with........and that was offering hope. (all of this is from my experience) I will keep you in my prayers.......hugs, dixie
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Old 05-03-2007, 06:11 PM
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I think what Lovestoomuch said really struck me right this moment.

We have to separate our heart from our head. So much more easier said than done.... I am STILL struggling with this so so so much. This is what I need to do to detach.
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Old 05-03-2007, 08:31 PM
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we always see the person behind the addiction, feel we can save them, they need us and we need them. The reality is that I was just as addicted to the chaos. things can get better..find your own joy
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Old 05-04-2007, 06:31 AM
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On a tear
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You saw a lost little boy... and wanted to reach out.

What you might consider is what a grown, adult woman NEEDS and DESERVES in a healthy relationship. A strong, healthy, secure MAN who can provide and protect his family.

Sounds like your ex is looking for a mama....

I don't intend to offend... I don't know him or you, just the little peek you gave above.

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Old 05-04-2007, 01:10 PM
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'Round and 'Round I Go....
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Such wise words above me...not much to say except that I understand how you feel and you are not being foolish, just human. Everytime I see AH my heart breaks into a thousand pieces. I hate that he continues to do this to himself. Sometimes I just want to wrap my arms around him and keep him safe. But the state he is in is also a reminder of why I'm divorcing him.
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