nytepassion

You can't make me clean

I know it is what you want for me to be and until I want it - I won't be. You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see although I look and sound like your loved one.... Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me *the person* falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down *the person in me* .. a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.

The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. FREE to fall as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back .. TO BREAK FREE.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder ...

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF

By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' by trusting the process you move over and allow me to find the my own way back .. It is in the fight to get free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself. I must do this MYSELF

I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it you are blocking me from it.

I know you love me and you only want whats best for me ... but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best .. and you act out of fear and emotions for me ...

Please for the sake of the person trapped inside of me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. Don't try to cushion the fall .. Just believe in me, in the process and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.

Passion
Recovering addict

outtolunch

I hope this can be made into a sticky. This is powerful, life changing stuff. Thank you for posting.

Habit

I really needed to read this today. Thanks so much!

NotSoSmart

Very nice.. glad I read it today. I went to a progress meeting for my AGF at her treatment center and this was exactly what she's working on. She has been filled with self loathing that became a catch 22; she had low self esteem which made drugs more appealing, the more she used and her addiction progressed, the lower her self esteem became. I had no idea she felt that small, or how I contributed to it.

treadingwater

Painful but true!

artist83

Thank you so much for this post. It's exactly what I needed to hear.

mazzie

We should all print and carry these thoughts with us. Being strong enough to listen to them is the hard part, but to see it and remember the words every time our addict speaks from their addiction and not from the person we want them to be is powerful. Thank you for this strength that so many of us need.