Kacee

It has been quite some time since I posted...always sure you have heard it all already. But my problem is this...my husband of 15 years "thinks" he is in recovery because he only uses now and then. He went from using crack every other day to being clean for a month then back to using on weekends. We picked up and moved 60 miles away only to have our new friends end up being just as bad as the old ones!! Seems I thought everything was so good but lately have found out they too drink heavily and use cocaine like its "normal" behavior on a FRIDAY or SATURDAY. Does anyone else hate the phrase "its friday and i need to relax"? makes me crazy. I am not ok with partying because its the weekend. My husband has even found someone here to give him "credit" for drugs. So even though I limit his cash he ends up owing his "friend" money after all is said and done. I do not think he is recovering,,,,he is managing to function as a user and has become really good at it. Sad but true.
Anyway, he decided today that he can handle the finances - LOL - is he kidding me?
He quit drinking for a week and it was great, but then the weekend rolled around and the hockey game rolled around and the neighbor stopped by...you know all the excuses to have a beer!!!
So I am just venting, I have nobody who understands all this...I am at my wits end. I need to move on and away from him, but financially I cant.
Can anyone else relate to this?
Please feel free to PM me or respond...I could use some help.

Thanks.
Kacee

Jewelz

Kacee welcome back. I am not sure if I met you before but glad you came back to post. If you dont believe your husband will change thene really its up to you. You need to make a plan, get yourself financially secure where youdont depend on him anymore. he may be providing the money now but I doubt he would be able to function using crack for a long time addiction is progressive.

My boyfriend is the addict in my life his DOC is crack as well, we also have a year old baby boy. He works everyday, gives me money for our home but also uses... I guess he thinks everything is okay with him just because he did not go on a mission yet.

As for me I work, take care of my children, take care of myself as best as I can and mentally seperating from him. Its so hard to let go... I am hanging on by a thread and soon the thread will snap.

jewel

duet_4-8

Hi Kacee,
I am in the process of divocing my AH of 25 years. I thought, as you do, that financially I couldn't do it. I decided about a year ago that I just was done with him; too many lies, too many broken promises, too much time spent on my own. I just didn't want him anymore; I finally understood that I was worth more than he was capable of giving.

Then I began to save money a little at a time, found a lawyer with a reputation for being tough, and on March 2 of this year, I filed.

So far, it has been anything but easy because he has given me 230.00 since March 2(but I knew that was coming and I am OK), and he is spinning in and out of all kinds of lies, intimidation, threats to kill himself, etc. But like I said before, I'm done.

I had to decide that the boundaries I laid down around my life were going to be enforced no matter what, and then I had to follow through on it. So far he is facing literally dozens of contempt motions in court next week, and may just end up in jail. Which of course is my fault. *sigh*

Only you can decide when enough is enough. If and when you decide, don't do anything rashly or without a plan because it is just too easy to throw in the towel if you aren't ready for the crap you are going to go through. (Do you have kids?)

I know the feeling all too well of going crazy and wanting to get out NOW, but I have tried that before and it never works. Plan what you are going to do, give yourself a realistic amount of time to get ready, and when the time comes-if things are still not what you want them to be-then do what you planned.

Hope this helps; even though I am not by any means done with the divorce action, I feel like I have been let out of a cage that I have lived in for 25 years. Freedom is worth (to me) whatever it takes.

(((HUGS)))

finallyout

Hi, Kacee, Jewel&Duet are absolutely right. I too am married to an AH (doc is crack) and for years thought that I was "stuck" and had no way out,especially with four kids to support. But I did get out, 4 months ago, and it was the best decision I ever made. I had hit my breaking point, he used in our home when he was there alone with kids, and I felt that they were now in danger and literally picked up & left a week later. I was lucky though, I had family to turn to. I was able to come live with my parents and they have helped me so I can get back on my feet. Maybe you have family or friends that can help or give you a place to stay till you get secure enough to be on your own? Like Duet said, make a plan and STICK to it. I made several plans over the years to get out and of course he would tell me how hes gonna change and he'd stop using for a month or two so I would scrap my plans and give him a chance. BIG mistake. Do what you need to to take care of yourself, if you really believe he isn't going to change, then get out. At times we all feel like we have no choices, but really, we ALWAYS have choices. Its about what you're willing to live with or not willing to live with. Hope I helped, let us know how you're doing. You're in my prayers.
Jen

teke

i don't think i've met you either, welcome, the addict in my life is my husband and i've been going through what you've described for 21 yrs off and on, more on than off and i've been a married singled parent for just as long, for the last few yrs, i've been unable to work, due to what i think was a drug induced abusive incidednt, but somehow with gods help, i was able to survive.

i agree with all tha duet said, it can be done, you'll just have to make a few plans and be prepared to act on what you've planned if there is ever a need. i know that he's functioning but it does get so much worse unless he commits to a plan of recovery. addiction is a life time thing and only he can choose to seek help for himself, there is nothing that you can do or say to make him want to stop. try to take the focus off him and what he's doing and focus completely on you and what you plan to do to make your life the way you want it to be with or without him. keeping you and your in my prayers

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, kacee. i have a daughter who is an alcoholic and an addict. she tried many times to control her intake, and was not successful.

keep posting! k

Blackrose2756

1st off, if he is using on the weekends, NO, he's not in recovery. My daughter's boyfriend told me that he is a "recreational" crack user. Only uses when he has money. However, they always seem to be broke day after payday.

Yes, I hate that phrase..."It's the weekend, I need to relax?" Something thought up by beer companies to sell more.

Have you sat down & told your husband how you feel? If he sees no problem & you can't do this anymore, everyone else is right. Make a plan. Set up some boundaries & stick to them.

Lynne

hope213

kacee, my son is my addict but i know how you feel.it is only going to get worse. he is not in recovery & i am glad he can not pull the wool over your eyes. work on your recovery.keep coming back.make yourself some goals. also make boundries for him.prayers for you both, hope

Wascally Wabbit

"thinks he's in recovery because he only uses now and then".
It's llike quitting smoking, yet still smoking one or two a day. You haven't quit, you've just cut down.
When my ah started his downward spiral, I went crazy. Now, I am sane. You can be sane too. Im not saying I am perfectly normal in every way, but I don't have the horrible drama every day any more. I let go of it.
Try to visit an alanon or naranon meeting.
I hope you're feeling better soon.

greeteachday

Kacee, I'm not in your situation since my child was the addict in my life, but I understand the pain you are feeling. I found Naranon really helped me when I thought no one understood. I found people in the rooms who knew the same pain and I developed many lasting friendships and have an incredible support system Hugs.

daisylady

Kacee-

Welcome back, I don't think we have met either. Glad you are back, sorry to hear about the circumstances. : (

My husband is the addict in my life. About a year ago, he used to use everyday and then he went to an outpatient treatment. After that, he stayed clean for a while and then started to binge and use drugs once or twice a week because he "derserved it" after a long hard week at work... so he would get paid and spend most of his money on his drug of choice: cocaine. So, I know all too well what you are going through. My AH thought he could control his drug, he thought he could drink, smoke weed, and do cocaine occasionally and be a normal productive human being, but his addiction just kept getting worse.. after a short while, he was using large amounts of cocaine and almost killed himself one night. I tried to confront my AH many times about his addiction but he didn't think he had a problem since he was sober 4 or 5 days a week...

So, yes, I agree with the other posters, addiction is progressive disease and there is nothing you or anyone can do to control it. HE has to figure out he needs help and HE has to want to stop.

I would try to get more financially secure or try to figure out if there are options to stay with family members if you need to. It doesn't mean you have to leave, just have a plan just in case you need to.

I ended up moving out and about two weeks after I moved out my AH went to impatient rehab. We are now living together again, but I am still holding onto my apartment just for safe measure.

I would try some boundaries that YOU can stick too, because it is really important that you stick to your word with him. I truly pray your husband finds his way to recovery. Take care of you.

Daisy