A Penny For Your Thoughts, Part 6
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Awwwww Teke........you make perfect sense. Get this.......I was ready for a healthy relationship lol. I don't know that we can ever quite prepare ourselves completely. I spent almost a year alone before Noah and I got together. Now.......ours is not a perfect relationship by any stretch of the imagination, but it's the most normal, nice one I've ever had.......and still, I can go into a depression so deep......and still not know why or how to explain it. Fear of losing myself.......maybe.........it sucks I tell you........just sucks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Originally Posted by Lovestoomuch 
Until I did some volunteer work at a womans shelter I used to look at women who seemingly begged for attention and thought ......WTF is the matter with her? and found it amusing sort of. But the reality almost always seems to be something is wrong on the inside. There was something missing........or is missing that you feel the need to be noticed. Maybe it's because we're not being heard or loved the way we wished we were. Maybe it's because we feel we've failed in some aspects of our lives and feel that need for some sort of validation from someone.
Either way, that need for someone to notice us is sort of a cry for help in my humble opinion only. Unfortunately when we put ourselves out there like that we are subject to people asking themselves "wtf is wrong with her?"
Funny........I want to be heard, but still un-noticed. I'm as messed up as they come, but I'm finally starting to realize there's something in me that's just not complete and no one can complete me but me. Now...........to just find out what the hell it is.
Either way, that need for someone to notice us is sort of a cry for help in my humble opinion only. Unfortunately when we put ourselves out there like that we are subject to people asking themselves "wtf is wrong with her?"
Funny........I want to be heard, but still un-noticed. I'm as messed up as they come, but I'm finally starting to realize there's something in me that's just not complete and no one can complete me but me. Now...........to just find out what the hell it is.
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i've spent a life time of second guessing myself, i grew to have such low selfesteem and i guess i eventually thought that i needed that validation and a part of me still do, but i'm the one who'll stand in the back ground for fear of being wrong or inadequate. i don't have to be seen, most of the time i don't want to be seen but i know that i can't hide out in my own skin for ever. i can't continue to live my life lock away inside myself out of fear of being wrong or less than.
i'm having to learn to approve of myself and it was a relief to learn that its really ok, to make mistakes, that i can't do all things all the time for everybody, sometimes i just don't know and its ok, not to know. rambling again, don't know if i'm even close to talking about what you guys are talking about, but thats ok too, i don't have to feel ashamed to feel or be lost and not know what the heck i'm talking about.
i'm having to learn to approve of myself and it was a relief to learn that its really ok, to make mistakes, that i can't do all things all the time for everybody, sometimes i just don't know and its ok, not to know. rambling again, don't know if i'm even close to talking about what you guys are talking about, but thats ok too, i don't have to feel ashamed to feel or be lost and not know what the heck i'm talking about.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by teke
i've spent a life time of second guessing myself, i grew to have such low selfesteem and i guess i eventually thought that i needed that validation and a part of me still do, but i'm the one who'll stand in the back ground for fear of being wrong or inadequate. i don't have to be seen, most of the time i don't want to be seen but i know that i can't hide out in my own skin for ever. i can't continue to live my life lock away inside myself out of fear of being wrong or less than.
i'm having to learn to approve of myself and it was a relief to learn that its really ok, to make mistakes, that i can't do all things all the time for everybody, sometimes i just don't know and its ok, not to know. rambling again, don't know if i'm even close to talking about what you guys are talking about, but thats ok too, i don't have to feel ashamed to feel or be lost and not know what the heck i'm talking about.
i'm having to learn to approve of myself and it was a relief to learn that its really ok, to make mistakes, that i can't do all things all the time for everybody, sometimes i just don't know and its ok, not to know. rambling again, don't know if i'm even close to talking about what you guys are talking about, but thats ok too, i don't have to feel ashamed to feel or be lost and not know what the heck i'm talking about.
and............even if you don't know what in the heck you're talking about.........makes perfect sense to me.
I feel the same way.......and you got me thinking. Sometimes I actually do wonder if I deserve a good relationship. Sometimes I sit here and actually believe I don't. I even thought of myself as white trash Monday. I can't explain it...........but for a minute thought maybe I deserve Shank. Now........how shiney is my recovery looking??? Looks black to me..........It's an inside issue. It's nothing anyone is doing to me but me at this point.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by teke
are we having a great recovery discussion here or not? its sure beneficial to me, even if i don't know if i know if we are all on the same page here.
I actually think we are on the same page and that's a good thing huh?
I wish I could go back and re-write some of the pages of my life.......but, I have to take what's been written and what will be written and work with it the best I can.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
oh, absolutely on the same page!! just yesterday i was thinking that before i start dating again (probably 10yrs from now!) i need to lose 10 more lbs, start working out, quit cigarettes and finish my degree just so i DESERVE a better man. of course, thats crazy now that I think about. i deserve better even if I don't succeed at all those things. but i still think i'll wait a while before dating again.
Jenna
Jenna
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Well.......I'll be back. I'm off to Wal-Mart. Mom sent me a little cash for gas to get back to Florida......sure hope it's enough. If not.......I'll be staying with one of you lol. So much to do........and absolutely NO motivation to do it. Momma said there'd be days like these.........sigh
Don't you miss the good ole days?? You know....the pajama parties where you sat up all night and talked about all the cute boys in school?? No worries......just cute boys.
Growing up sucks.
Don't you miss the good ole days?? You know....the pajama parties where you sat up all night and talked about all the cute boys in school?? No worries......just cute boys.
Growing up sucks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Originally Posted by palmtree
Teke, we all need validation....it's a way of telling ourselves we do still exist in this world.
Glad to hear we all need validation. I think some days thats why I come here. You all are great for that.
Im starting to have a hard time missing AH, but not sure if its him I miss, I feel all twisted up, start to tell myself its not that bad. Then 9 year old yesterday told me they took a hug and love seminar. He said Violence is bad and I ahve a safe number I can call if I feel scared. I said, but do we have violence in our home? He gave me this "Yeah Right" look and said, yelling, slamming doors ect is violence and Ive had enough of it!! SO I guess he set me straight. I love that little boy and the fact taht he'll expres himself.
Timing hit well, because MIL admitted that D is a little more guarded with men lately and she thinks it may come from his Dad yelling at me. He's not afraid of his Dad, but its made him weery and more protective of me. (Remember before a few weeks ago when AH snapped in front of her throwing coffee, she never believed he acted that way. Now she's seeing the effects)
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
loves, my kids will look at me and tell me, " ma, i wished that i was a kid again' hey i tell them, you wanted to be grown, now it time to deal with grown folk issues. i'm actually sometimes kind of grateful for the life that i've lived, it has got me here and i do feel like a somewhat better person for it. strange but true. i kind of feel sometimes that i've gone through it so that others don't have to, but i kind of feel to that that should be credited to my codie ways. got so much to learn.
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Loves, I sure do miss the good ole days. When your a kid all you long for is to grow up and when you finally grow up all you want to be is a kid again.
Well me and the two directors just finished interviewing someone for my position. The girl seems capable with doing the work needed to be done office wise. But I have reservation in how she would handle dealing with the clients that walk through here. Birth parents and the foster children can really give a hard time... a lot of mental issues with the Birth parents. But I feel bad in not believing she could do it with that aspect. I find out now its my decision whether to hire her or not. One director wants her in because she has worked with the girl before... the other director is unsure so they left it to me. I dont want to make the decision I feel bad. I also dont want to give it to her just because I feel bad. God I have some soul searching to get done with this.
jewel
Well me and the two directors just finished interviewing someone for my position. The girl seems capable with doing the work needed to be done office wise. But I have reservation in how she would handle dealing with the clients that walk through here. Birth parents and the foster children can really give a hard time... a lot of mental issues with the Birth parents. But I feel bad in not believing she could do it with that aspect. I find out now its my decision whether to hire her or not. One director wants her in because she has worked with the girl before... the other director is unsure so they left it to me. I dont want to make the decision I feel bad. I also dont want to give it to her just because I feel bad. God I have some soul searching to get done with this.
jewel
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by cinderellawkids
Ok whats with this not being able to see you guys?
I'm what you call in "stealth" mode.
You see.........for me it's a codie thing. I don't always have the right words or advice to give someone. If someone sees me on their post and I don't reply, they might not like me.......of course I'm sure there are a few who don't anyways, and I really don't give a rat's ass............I just feel safer hidden.......you know....that whole "hear me, but don't notice me" issue I have going on.
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i don't know, i guess this goes along with what i said earlier about not wanting to be seen, never thought about not being seen here other than the fact that my comp stays on sr, sometimes all night and all day, even when i'm not around or even at home for that matter. i guess to me, it feels like you guys might think that i don't have a life past sr, really i don't have much of one but i don't want it to look like it. anyway, it takes too long for dial up to load up, so when i'm home alone, its easier to just leave the comp on. i guess its a codie thing that i need to work on.
at least if i say something stupid, you won't know that i'm on until i post or until my dumb response disappears or something. i'll do better when i get better.LOL
at least if i say something stupid, you won't know that i'm on until i post or until my dumb response disappears or something. i'll do better when i get better.LOL
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
That's wonderful news about your AB palmtree!! You tell him we all said "YOU GO BOY!"
Ok............heehee........really going now. You guys are a hard habbit to break.
Now.......don't go passin up the 500 post mark till I return. This is my final day on SR and I'd love to be able to spend it with you guys.
Ok............heehee........really going now. You guys are a hard habbit to break.
Now.......don't go passin up the 500 post mark till I return. This is my final day on SR and I'd love to be able to spend it with you guys.
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