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is this the way it is supposed to go.....need guidance

Old 05-01-2007, 05:59 AM
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is this the way it is supposed to go.....need guidance

friends,

my husband and I did indeed bring AS (six months clean) home this past Thursday. We brought him to his own home and he will live there with his wife. We live approximately five miles away. Anyway, we have basically had one phonecall from him saying he has attended a meeting each day and is doing well . His wife has sent no bad news our way. Here is my dilema............

1. Do we wait for them to call and keep communication open or do we call them?
I don't want to come across as "checking up on them." So understanding that
our feelings are still fragile.... how do we handle this?

2. Do we ask when they plan to initiate family counseling or do we wait on
that too?

3. By my not calling I do not want to it to be construed as uncaring (and I have
been accused of this in the past) ........sort of the damned if you or damned if
you don't scenario. So I guess my point is as a mom of an adult (32 year old AS)
just what is my role? I really dont know. I do KNOW I am no longer going
to be his money tree and get out of jail free card..........thanks dixie
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Old 05-01-2007, 06:01 AM
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on my post it said to report post. if I said anything wrong I am very sorry. it wasn't my intention. I do not post very often. please pardon me. dixie
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Old 05-01-2007, 06:05 AM
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dixied, in my opinion, because you are his mom, then you may have mom like concerns, i think that if you want to call just because you want to talk to your son,, then call, but his recovery is his issue, i think hands off the addict and his recovery, time will tell you how he's doing in that department, but just generally wanting to convert with your son is a different story. is it possible that you can talk to him without bringing up his recovery or their counseling. i think its out of your hands anyway and there is nothing that you can do to help him to continue to recover. keeping all of you in my prayers
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Old 05-01-2007, 06:07 AM
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As far as recovery, that is up to your son, and I wouldn't ask. Perhaps ask about things that do not concern recovery, such as gardening, tv, weather, relatives, kids. I am sure they are trying to get their lives back to normal. How about asking how the wife is? Therapy is their business. The idea is to care about them, but stay out of the recovery process. So hard, I know.
just my own thoughts,
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Old 05-01-2007, 06:32 AM
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Hi, Dixie, as the wife of a AH I can tell you that my mother in law is a great source of comfort and help for me. She would occasionally call me and ask how he was doing, but she always asked how me and kids were first. She made it clear that she was always there for all of us if we ever needed anything. To this day, I feel that her and I are the only two people in his life who feel the same about him and therefore no matter what happens I know she is in my corner. If I were you, I'd call your daughter in law and find out how SHE is and remind her that you are there for them if they need you. Just my two cents! Good luck, I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Jen
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Old 05-01-2007, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by dixied View Post
on my post it said to report post. if I said anything wrong I am very sorry. it wasn't my intention. I do not post very often. please pardon me. dixie

Whatever that was, just ignore it, it must have been a glitch.

My thoughts on your question are to wait patiently and let him take it from here. What he does or doesn't do is all about him and I think I'd let him figure his own way out and do his recovery/or not, on his own.

We have a saying here "Hands off the addict...hand's off their recovery" and it really is a good idea. He KNOWS how he is and what he needs to do, don't rob him of the lesson of making a choice, even a bad one.

I found that when I just talked to my son the same way as I would talk to anyone else, and left out his addiction or recovery unless he brought it up and wanted to talk about it, we had a much better relationship.

I tried to imagine what it would be like to have someone call me every day, ask me what I was doing, how I was doing it and telling me what I should be doing. It wouldn't be a good thing, I think.

Keep working on your own recovery, and I have a feeling the rest will just fall in place nicely.

Hugs
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Old 05-01-2007, 07:19 AM
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i think it's ok just to call and send "i'm thinking of you" message. i wouldn't ask too many questions though. just my thoughts. k
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Old 05-01-2007, 07:30 AM
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you sound as if you are growing in your recovery., i would call & but i would not ask recovery questions. it is his responsibility, his recovery.just let him know u love him.prayers for him, you & your family... hugs,
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Old 05-01-2007, 08:17 AM
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friends,

thanks so much for the input. it means so much. i guess what i am trying to say is that though estranged might not be the "right" word...maybe "awkward" is a better word..anyway, we don't have the relationship where I can call and say..hi, how are you doing.just thinking of you.....without him thinking that I am trying to get info. Like I said when I kept my distance before I was accused of being uncaring. Of course I wasn't. To tell you the truth I was jusr plain gun shy........does this make any sense to anyone? I guess I was just hoping he'd initiate a call but I don't think that will happen IMHO.....anyway, thanks for listening.........dixie
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Old 05-01-2007, 08:26 AM
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As the wife of an A, I'll speak from what I would appreciate from family. As said above, Hands off the addict and his recovery. Maybe a phone call to see how they're doing. Maybe invite them over for dinner occassionally. Just have normal conversation and let them know you're there if they need anything. For me, dealing with my A's addiction is sometimes draining... I just want to be normal and have fun around family and friends.
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Old 05-01-2007, 10:06 AM
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Dixied,
IMO, I would let my son, and his wife deal with the questions of sobriety, and recovery.

What I have noticed lately is my oldest, in his sobriety, calls much more often, and I just try to give him day to day encouragement. I try really hard not to bring up any subjects of recovery, unless he brings the topic up. As for right now, I'm just enjoying the fact I have 2 sons that are sober today.


I had the same "gun shy" emotions you had also. It's very difficult to keep my mouth shut, so I fill it full of jujubees...

Just enjoy the moment.

Hugs,
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Old 05-01-2007, 10:19 AM
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mooselips,
thank you so much for your take on the situation. I really needed that and I appreciate your taking the time to help me. I am going to try and follow your advice. Your kindness meant a lot. My thanks. dixie
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Old 05-01-2007, 06:14 PM
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Hi Dixied
I know exactly what you're talking about.
My AD is in college during the week and home on weekends. I'm never sure if she will appreciate me calling when she's back at school or not. Sometimes I would like to call but feel that she would think I'm checking up on her, other times I just call with some stupid excuse or other just to talk. Sometimes she will call me, maybe with a question or just to talk.
I don't ask about recovery, mostly I try to stay out of her stuff. If she offers some information I appreciate it and try to keep my big mouth shut about what she should do or not do. Unless she asks for an opinion and then I try to make her list any options she could have and see if I can make her decide for herself.
There's a fine line between caring and nosiness.........and having an adult child who's married makes it even harder.
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Old 05-01-2007, 11:42 PM
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Hi Dixie, Boy am I glad I logged on & read your post. I am dealing with a somewhat similiar issue & your post & the responses were very helpful to me. My AS has been calling me alot the last 2-3 days. I am very angry with him over what he recently did to my parents. I haven't been calling him at all & when he calls me I ALWAYS bring up his addiction & faults...........no more !!! I have beren taking things minute by minute & have tried not to lose my temper with him. At first I wanted to blast him but losing it will serve no useful purpose since I love him & only want him to get help. As things go day by day I find myself mostly listening when he calls but also bringing up his addiction & his need to seek help constantly. He gets very upset with me as he says " Can't we EVER have a conversation that is not about my addiction & my faults " After reading this & the responses I can see I was wrong. I have told him how rotten the thing he just did to my parents was & I think from now on I will just leave it at that. When her calls I will talk about normal things. Thanks everyone & you too Dixie for posting this. Dixie I must let everyone else good opinions suffice here as I don't know how to talk to my AS either without putting my foot in my mouth. As Diane said talk about normal things. I know my AS has ben clean the last few days ( at least the times I have spoken to him ) so I should be thankful for that. He also told me someone called him from the post office & said they would try & help him get his job back if he was clean. My AS is really strange though, he won't admit he is using half the time & then he goes & says something like that. I think his self-esteem must be so low that he cannot admit to me how much he is using for fear I will lose it & yell at him. I know he also knows I worry he will od or have a heart attack. . I think he doesn't want to be yelled at & lectured continually but at the same time he needs to talk about it with me........if any of this makes any sense. It is after 1AM & I am so tired I cannot see straight & have no business even typing as I am too tired to think. Dianne, tomorow I am going to buy some jujubees & keep them right by my phone!
Love,
Diane
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