Hopeless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Satellite Beach, Florida
Posts: 3
Hopeless
Hi, I learned of this forum from another section of this website & was really hoping for some advice on my situation. My significant other is batteling drug addiction. What makes it worse is we have a 2 year old son together. And not only do we live together but I'm in full-time nursing school & don't work so we rely on him for financial support & to pay the rent. I knew he'd had some problems off and on during the last several years but drugs were usually a "choice" not a neccesity, like recreational use. In fact when we first got together 6 years ago we both did drugs on occasion. I was 21 & he was 24 & we would do things to "party" & just experimenting, nothing on an everyday basis or even weekly, just for fun on occasion. But then about 2 years into the relationship I decided I didn't want to mess around with the stuff anymore & it was time to start growing up. Well of course that was just my decision & not a choice he wanted to make, so I respected that & was understanding. & for a long time that worked , that is until we had our son who is now 2 & 1/2 & my BF is now 30. What makes it worse that in the last year or so he has gotten into the prescription drugs, mainly Lortabs & xanax methodone & even cocaine on occasion. I've been concerned that it was becoming a problem but he always seemed to be o.k. & I would snoop around & stuff but it seemed like things were controlled. But this last weekend has now proved me wrong. I have been so blind & stupid. He disapeared last Thurs. night with my bank card & drained $400 from it & never came home. His sister found him all "geeked" out on "crack" the next day & kept him with her to sober him up & try to get him help come Mon. at the local Methadone clinic (shes really anti-drug). But on Sun. night he disapeared from her house at 11 pm on foot & stold about $150 in change from her. It took me forever to track him down but my 1 am I was able to find him at a hotel with another couple somking "crack" & of course he was to. Come to find out this guy is also the guy he got him to take the money from my account on Thurs. night to just to buy "crack" & re-up his stash. I'm not familiar with this guy & don't even know how he came to know my BF, but I do know that my BF has never done anything that strong & now I'm really scared. We tryed to commit him to the local hospital but the only discharged him after 6 hours. I don't know what else to do or where to turn. He confesses now that he is an addict for pills & is willing to seek help, but insists he can handle it himself, I think hes wrong & I think I've heard this all before. I refuse to let the drugs take & ruin his life because in doing so he also hurts myself & of course my son, what will I tell him later in life if his father dies of drugs or becomes homeless or HIV positive? I won't let my son go through that. There has to be a way, but what I've done so far has not helped, obviously. If someone out there could give me some good advice I would be deeply grateful. Thank you so much I know my thread was really LONG.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Welcome to SR, Marsha. Be sure to read the sticky's at the top of the forum. Start with What Addicts Do. Addiction is progressive and it will usually get worse before it gets better. Start by protecting yourself financially. If he's taking money and bankcards, you'll want to make sure he doesn't have easy access to these. Learn about enabling and setting boundaries. A good book is Codependent No More by Melanie Beatty. Keep reading and posting here. You'll find good support and encouragement from others who have been where you are.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Marsha))))
Sorry about your circumstances, but glad you found us. I'm not truly in your position, as my addicts are my 2 sons. But others will be along to welcome you.
One suggestion I do have...try to see if you can get to some Naranon, or Aanon meetings in your area. I know how busy you are raising your son, and going to school, but these meetings are just for YOU. Lots of good people there, and lots of great support.
Glad you're here.
Hugs,
Sorry about your circumstances, but glad you found us. I'm not truly in your position, as my addicts are my 2 sons. But others will be along to welcome you.
One suggestion I do have...try to see if you can get to some Naranon, or Aanon meetings in your area. I know how busy you are raising your son, and going to school, but these meetings are just for YOU. Lots of good people there, and lots of great support.
Glad you're here.
Hugs,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
Unfortunately, your story is all to familar. Step one, protect your assests, it will get worse, until he totally embraces recovery and then there are no guarantees.
Remember one thing, he will always be an addict, it is just a matter of whether he is active or not.
You can do nothing about him ruining his life, all you can do is not let him ruin yours or that of your child. Your child must be your priorty, period.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
Unfortunately, your story is all to familar. Step one, protect your assests, it will get worse, until he totally embraces recovery and then there are no guarantees.
Remember one thing, he will always be an addict, it is just a matter of whether he is active or not.
You can do nothing about him ruining his life, all you can do is not let him ruin yours or that of your child. Your child must be your priorty, period.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Welcome Marsha,
My situation is somewhat similar to yours. When my RAH and I started dating we both did drugs together on occasions, it was never an all the time thing for me. This is hard for me to admit because at the time my son (from a previous relationship) was only a year old. I hadn’t quite grown up yet and was still somewhat in “party mode”. After an incident (involving my son) while I was high I swore off drugs completely, I grew up and started focusing on my son. Like your BF, mine didn’t want to stop. I too respected his decision. I didn’t think there was a problem. I later learned that when we first started dating he was completely addicted to cocaine. I had no idea. I thought that he just smoked pot once in awhile with friends, never really knew the extent of it because I was never around when he was using. Once he became attached to my son he swore off cocaine, said he’d never touch the sh*t again and that it was stupid. He did well with that, in the four years that we have been together he went back to coke twice, and that was very early on in his attempt to quit. What I didn’t realize was that he was replacing his cocaine addiction with pot. I knew he was smoking pot, but thought it was only once in awhile and at the time that really didn’t bother me. Then I found out that EVERY time he left the house he was doing it. On his way to work, at work, on lunch break, after work with his friend. I felt the same way as you; how could I be so stupid not to notice? Easy, he never did it around me, he was a master manipulator and could talk his way out of anything, the lies were incredible. It wasn’t until after I had our daughter that he decided it might be time to grow up. Even then, he still thought it was ok to use once in awhile. Once I finally backed off and started letting him take the fall for his f**kups, he started to see that he did in fact have a problem. Like your BF, he refuses to go into any sort of problem. So at the beginning I thought, yeah right I’ve heard this before. He’s doing good on his own, hasn’t used since December. But it hasn’t been an easy road. I’ve found though, that the more I detach the easier it gets.
I agree with the others, start protecting yourself financially. While my RAH hasn’t used that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being prepared. Every month I make an extra payment to my credit card, and put a small amount into my savings account.. all just in case. Set some boundaries (ex. No using in the house), and take care of you. I also recommend “Co-Dependant No more” it’s a great book, has helped me A LOT. Keep posting here, this place is amazing.
Once Again welcome. (((Marsha)))
My situation is somewhat similar to yours. When my RAH and I started dating we both did drugs together on occasions, it was never an all the time thing for me. This is hard for me to admit because at the time my son (from a previous relationship) was only a year old. I hadn’t quite grown up yet and was still somewhat in “party mode”. After an incident (involving my son) while I was high I swore off drugs completely, I grew up and started focusing on my son. Like your BF, mine didn’t want to stop. I too respected his decision. I didn’t think there was a problem. I later learned that when we first started dating he was completely addicted to cocaine. I had no idea. I thought that he just smoked pot once in awhile with friends, never really knew the extent of it because I was never around when he was using. Once he became attached to my son he swore off cocaine, said he’d never touch the sh*t again and that it was stupid. He did well with that, in the four years that we have been together he went back to coke twice, and that was very early on in his attempt to quit. What I didn’t realize was that he was replacing his cocaine addiction with pot. I knew he was smoking pot, but thought it was only once in awhile and at the time that really didn’t bother me. Then I found out that EVERY time he left the house he was doing it. On his way to work, at work, on lunch break, after work with his friend. I felt the same way as you; how could I be so stupid not to notice? Easy, he never did it around me, he was a master manipulator and could talk his way out of anything, the lies were incredible. It wasn’t until after I had our daughter that he decided it might be time to grow up. Even then, he still thought it was ok to use once in awhile. Once I finally backed off and started letting him take the fall for his f**kups, he started to see that he did in fact have a problem. Like your BF, he refuses to go into any sort of problem. So at the beginning I thought, yeah right I’ve heard this before. He’s doing good on his own, hasn’t used since December. But it hasn’t been an easy road. I’ve found though, that the more I detach the easier it gets.
I agree with the others, start protecting yourself financially. While my RAH hasn’t used that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being prepared. Every month I make an extra payment to my credit card, and put a small amount into my savings account.. all just in case. Set some boundaries (ex. No using in the house), and take care of you. I also recommend “Co-Dependant No more” it’s a great book, has helped me A LOT. Keep posting here, this place is amazing.
Once Again welcome. (((Marsha)))
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through....so difficult when you have a young child and you are relying on the addict for financial support. It takes incredible strength...physical and emotional, to beat addiction and I think rehab and meetings help an addict who has the desire to stop to obtain the tools needed to fight addiction. But we can't make them ready to stop; they have to find it themselves.
I found coming here, reading all I could on addiction and codependency and going to Naranon meetings really helped me to help myself and get back on a healthier and more serene path, regardless of what my beloved addict did. Hugs.
I found coming here, reading all I could on addiction and codependency and going to Naranon meetings really helped me to help myself and get back on a healthier and more serene path, regardless of what my beloved addict did. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. there is so much info here. read around all the sticky &post. i am sorry u r going thru all of this. as you read you will learn there is nothing you cqan do for your b.f. it is really sad when children are involved. what you can do is learn to take care of you.that is learning to let go of your b.f. & let him be responsible for himself & his action.hide everything of value.it will only get worse till he wants it to get better. keep coming back, we care.prayers for you & your b.f.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome to sr, sorry that you have to be here but glad you are. the addict in my life is my hubby. the same thing that you have described about your addict is the same thing that i've been going through off and on for 21 yrs and i've basically been a married single mom of 7 the whole time. it don't get any better unless your addict seek help and commit to that help. i'm a recovering addict and i can tell you that addiction is a life long thing, there is no cure, it can only be arrested by a commitment to recovery. addiction is a hard habit habit to kick, its not that easy at all.
i think maybe its time for you to look after you and your baby, let him figure out how to take care of himself. there is nothing you can do to make him want to stop. maybe it time for you to take a step back and allow him to suffer the consequences of his own actions.
what worked for me was that i had to began to seperate myself emotionally and financially somehow, putting little money aside that he don't know about, plan what you want your life to be like with or without him and work toward that goal. maybe you want to ask yourself if this is the way you want to live your life out. there is always the chance of relapses and the life you live now, will be the live you'll live unless he chooses to get better because he know that he needs to and not because you or your child want him too.
i did all i knew to do to try to help my husband until i was mentally ill by the time i got here. your life can get better but you have to choose to make it better. try to find a few alanon or naranon meetings for you, they help a lot, keep posting and reading. keeping you and yours in my prayers
i think maybe its time for you to look after you and your baby, let him figure out how to take care of himself. there is nothing you can do to make him want to stop. maybe it time for you to take a step back and allow him to suffer the consequences of his own actions.
what worked for me was that i had to began to seperate myself emotionally and financially somehow, putting little money aside that he don't know about, plan what you want your life to be like with or without him and work toward that goal. maybe you want to ask yourself if this is the way you want to live your life out. there is always the chance of relapses and the life you live now, will be the live you'll live unless he chooses to get better because he know that he needs to and not because you or your child want him too.
i did all i knew to do to try to help my husband until i was mentally ill by the time i got here. your life can get better but you have to choose to make it better. try to find a few alanon or naranon meetings for you, they help a lot, keep posting and reading. keeping you and yours in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 107
I am just happy that you found this forum and put your story here. For me, it was the first step of many that I eventually took to get my AS out of active use on my nickel and finding his way to recovery.
They have to be willing to get sober first, but learning how to get out of the way of that is a big step.
Best wishes to you.
CIM
They have to be willing to get sober first, but learning how to get out of the way of that is a big step.
Best wishes to you.
CIM
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 168
Marsha-
sorry to hear about your situation, but I am glad you found Sober Recovery. This place has been so helpful to me, and I am sure it will be to you too.
My husband (AH) is also my addict. I used to smoke pot with my AH too when we first started dating and I had heard from some friends that he experimented with cocaine, but I thought he was done with that... well four years later in our relationship, cocaine reared it's ugly head... he was a full blown addict.
Today, he just got out of treatment, and seems to be doing ok.. but I still know that addiction is a life long illness and as Teke said, addiction can be arrested but it can never be cured. I have also learned as sad as it is, we can do nothing to help our addicts get better, they have to want to get clean for themselves. It took me a long long long time to realize that. If I get really frustrated, thinking about the three c's always help me, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
My advice would be to protect your valuables, keep coming back here, try to take care of yourself and your son and read as much as you can..
Welcome.
prayers & hugs,
Daisy
sorry to hear about your situation, but I am glad you found Sober Recovery. This place has been so helpful to me, and I am sure it will be to you too.
My husband (AH) is also my addict. I used to smoke pot with my AH too when we first started dating and I had heard from some friends that he experimented with cocaine, but I thought he was done with that... well four years later in our relationship, cocaine reared it's ugly head... he was a full blown addict.
Today, he just got out of treatment, and seems to be doing ok.. but I still know that addiction is a life long illness and as Teke said, addiction can be arrested but it can never be cured. I have also learned as sad as it is, we can do nothing to help our addicts get better, they have to want to get clean for themselves. It took me a long long long time to realize that. If I get really frustrated, thinking about the three c's always help me, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
My advice would be to protect your valuables, keep coming back here, try to take care of yourself and your son and read as much as you can..
Welcome.
prayers & hugs,
Daisy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Marsha, ditto what everyone else said above. Sounds like your SO is in serious addicition (is there any other kind?) . A real concern would be mixing Xanax and Methadone. That has become popular with young people these days and will kill you real quick. I am not trying to scare you, but several kids have died in this area and over in Dallas from that.
You can only do the following: take care of yourself and your child and get through school. An education is the key to your financial freedom and self-reliance. There are many many programs for single moms who are trying to make their way through college to help provide for rent etc. I suggest to start applying for any kind of financial assistance you can get and get to where you quit relying on him. As long as you rely on him you are at the mercy of his addicition.
Here is a big ((HUG)) and a prayer that you get strong and find your way.
You can only do the following: take care of yourself and your child and get through school. An education is the key to your financial freedom and self-reliance. There are many many programs for single moms who are trying to make their way through college to help provide for rent etc. I suggest to start applying for any kind of financial assistance you can get and get to where you quit relying on him. As long as you rely on him you are at the mercy of his addicition.
Here is a big ((HUG)) and a prayer that you get strong and find your way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
Marsha please get to some meetings, if there isn't an naranon near you, go to alanon. You can't control him[sorry], but you can learn to live your life and take care of your son without losing your mind. Everyone on this board has gone thru what you are going thru at least once, some of us with multiple loved ones..Bless you
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
When had to go through this, I was blind to everything going on in the background. My husband put my name on all his credit cards, unbeknownst to me, and when it was all over, I find he owes a ton to these cards. Since my name was on them, guess who is also responsible? Yep, ME. I also have a son with addiction problems. The drama is always knocking at my door. I just don't open it any more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Satellite Beach, Florida
Posts: 3
Thank you so much for all the support, its good to see complete strangers take time out of their lives to help someone they've never even met. That alone gives me hope. I will check into some of these organizations & see what I can find out. Again thank you so much.
Marsha,
Marsha,
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