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Am I a glutton for punishment? Or just crazy?

Old 04-30-2007, 06:52 PM
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Learning to live again
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Am I a glutton for punishment? Or just crazy?

Seriously. What. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

I do so well. So amazing well. Then, I hear from him. Maybe a text, maybe he shows up here. And I fall apart. I get angry or upset or sometimes I just want to fall to my knees and beg. Beg him to get help. Beg him to not live like this. I mean, we are over, but, how could ANYONE choose to live that way????? Why do I answer the door? Why do I even look at the texts. I KNOW "I love you" = "I am running out of money" or "I miss you" = " I just woke up in a crack motel and realized living in a house was much nicer" But, it's just stirs up all these emotions. And a part of me just DIES inside. I just want to believe so badly. But, that part of my is dying as well. And the emotions are changing. I just wish it wasn't so slow.

Sometimes, I wish I could not feel. Like the addicts do. They are so emotionless it is scary. But, it must be nice at times like this. They can just walk away. But, that really isn't the way to go through life.....

Why can't I just walk away and not look back. I want everyday to be a good one. I just want to get away.....
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Old 04-30-2007, 07:10 PM
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Learning to live again
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I have read the stickies, they have been a tremendous help. And I have just started meetings.

The problem is this. I have told him I am not talking to him, don't come by, all that jazz. He just either doesn't remember or chooses not to. I don't reply to the texts, I do answer the door, but I am afraid of what he will do if I don't. But, i don't let him in or allow him to stay.

It is just so hard when they don't understand what it is going on. Makes the process take longer.
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Old 04-30-2007, 07:29 PM
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Life is about choices, you can either choose to drive your car or ride in the back seat.

This is up to you, if you want to be the driver, don't read his text messages, just delete them and don't answer the door.

This is a choice only you can make.

He is an adult, he will make his own choices, whether you answer the door or you don't. That is one of the hardest things for we codies to understand, no matter what we do or don't do, they will do what they want to do. We cannot control their behavior.

They do understand what is going on, they just choose to continue using and not embrace recovery.

My best,
Dolly
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Old 04-30-2007, 07:32 PM
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If someone calls you 10 times and you answer it on the 11th then you have just reinforced their behavior. I know that it is hard but if you keep answering, he will keep calling or texting. Because he knows he can. Why not do it in baby steps. Just for today, don't answer. Keep yourself busy, turn off your phone. Find something to occupy your time. It will get easier, but you have to be willing to take that first step and set some boundaries. Boundaries that help keep you healthy. My addict is my 20 year old daughter so I know how hard it is to keep a boundary. But since I have decided that I don't want addiction in my life, things have gotten a lot better for me. Sending some hugs, I know it is not easy. Marle
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Old 04-30-2007, 08:10 PM
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IMO, what I think happens is we get nearly as sick as the addict. Sometimes we get so use to the chaos and craziness,and drama, that when it's over, and we decide to detach, we just can't seem to let go easily. It's alot of hard work.

But you can do this.

Hugs and prayers,
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Old 04-30-2007, 08:48 PM
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Your post is a mimic of what just happened to me. My AH (who will be my ex on May 7) came by to sign the final divorce papers. I was thinking i was going to handle it. He was under the influence (like always) of codeine and soma. I didn't say anything about it. He "acted" like he was thouroughly reading the document, but I'm sure it was all fuzzy. So I was sitting there on the couch waiting. After he read it, he signed it and then kicked back on the couch and started talking about day to day things like he had just signed his income tax return or something. I just got big tears in my eyes and hopped on his lap. I talked to him and cried. He hugged me and told me "I'll always love you..." And "I didn't want this to happen, but that's just the way it goes..." He was 3 sheets to the wind and talking like he was the great philosopher. I didn't get mad. We talked and the subject of $ex came up (no pun intended) and I restrained myself. I told him that wouldn't be good for me. He said yeah, probably not (you know HE KNOWS WHAT'S BEST). I told him I was worried that one day when something really bad happens to him (because it will), that there would be no one to feel obligated to tell me. He acted like that was absurd. So to sum it up, he told me to CALL HIM IF I NEEDED ANYTHING. I told him I wanted and needed a sober husband. He just stared at me. I told him when he gets tired of the life he's living, please call me. I said if you're in the hospital, jail, or wherever. Please call when you're ready to be sober. I told him not to take offense, that I didn't know if he was even capable of understanding this logic, but I choose when he leaves to NOT talk to him UNLESS he's serious about being sober. I said what I know now is that will be the ONLY way that I can have my husband back. He left and I feel sad.

I know where you're coming from. It's a horrible feeling, but it's also in retrospect a type of horrible that I was feeling WITH HIM.
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Old 04-30-2007, 09:33 PM
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i'm sorry that you feel bad, i do know the feeling. my ah just moved out too. i find it easier for me to have no contact until i can emotionally handle the contact, its too painful to try to talk to an addict when they are so numb to their feelings or yours.

i had that problem too, with my ah popping in at will, i chose to put a stop to that yrs ago, i had to get restraining orders and sometimes if he came after i told him not to, then i'd have to police handy, he eventually learned that if i say don't come, it was best that he listened. today, when i say don't, he won't. i don't ask any questions or try to find out anything about him and what he's doing. what i don't know don't hurt and if i don't listen to the junk then i won't fall for it.

if it hurts you to talk to him, maybe its time to take a break from talking to him, it feels better sooner or later. my ah would give me just enough to keep me hanging on while he continue to live his life just the way that he wants, and i'd spend the whole time he was away worried about him and what he was doing, wasn't good for me to continue to do that.

i pray that you feel better soon, maybe its time to completely take the focus off of him and do what you have to do to make it easier for you. you may have to find a way to make him stop dropping in. i'll keep him and you in my prayers and i pray that he finds his way soon.
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Old 04-30-2007, 09:41 PM
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you are only capiable of changing no one but yourself.it is sad but he is using you.he will not hit his bottom until he has no one to run back too.why should he quit using when he has u to foot his bills? set boundries with him.i will say a prayer for u both.
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