finallyout

Hi everyone,
I left my AH four months ago and moved out of state, he's since been put in jail for unpaid fines. Anyway, I'm going back to PA this weekend to visit a friend and celebrate my 30th b-day (AHHHH!) with her in Atlantic City. My question is, my AH wants be to come visit him in jail before I leave. His letters have been all about how hes gonna change, get clean etc etc. We all know that drill. I refuse to take my children to jail to see him, they can spend some time with his parents, but should I even go?? I don't have too much to say to him but I know if I were in his shoes I would want him to come see me and I'd be incredibly hurt if he didn't. Not sure what to do or even say to him if I do see him. Any ideas? Thanks
Jen

parentrecovers

i think it's ok to give yourself more time, finallyout. if you're not ready, then don't go. blessings, k

GiveLove

Jen,

Do you WANT to go? Can you separate (in your mind and heart) what you feel you SHOULD do from what you really feel you WANT to do?

Get quiet, clear your mind, sit down where there's no commotion. And think about the act of going to the jail, seeing him in there, listening to all of the quacking, having him ask you to do things for him, etc.

How does it feel? Does it feel joyful? Is there something in it that will help YOU?
Or do you get a feeling of dread and obligation?

Parentrecovers is wise: If you are not ready, then do not go. You have to take care of you; he has chosen this life and you can't save him from it by visiting or not visiting.

Love,
GL

finallyout

Thanks so much, you're both right. I'm going to think about it a little more. I almost want to go just so he can see how great I'm doing without him ( lost a few pounds, colored my hair, new clothes etc). Is that weird? I have no intention of doing anything to help him, besides I he won't ask cuz he knows I have no money since I'm not getting any child support from him. Its no so much obligation as it is the look on his face when he realizes how much better I am doing without him.

teke

think the choice is yours whether to go or not, but sounds like you may want to take a deeper thought about your motive for going, sometimes in cases like that, your intentions can backfire. he probably already knows that you can do better without him, you may have already show him that in the ways that you may have enabled him in the past. in my opinion, if you are not sure that you want to go just because you want to go, then maybe you should wait until you honestly do want to go and for no other reason that just because you want to. keeping you and your family in my prayers

Blackrose2756

I have to agree with Teke. Your motive of wanting him to see you doing great....might backfire. Have you seen him in jail before? I know that even when I had made up my mind, seeing him in jail tore me up. It's any experience I don't recommend. The first time I saw my ex brought into the courtroom in hand-cuffs & shackles was too much for me. Yeah, he'd done some stupid things...but he didn't deserve to be bound up like that. And a few years later, he tried to kill himself in jail & they "drugged" him to keep him from commiting suicide. Seeing him in the courtroom looking so much NOT like the man I knew hurt. I know he has hurt you, but he is still a human being. And they can come off as so sad in jail. No matter what my ex has done, he does NOT deserve half the things that happened to him. But that's another story.

If you aren't ready to see him, don't go.

Lynne

rayofsunshine

I agree with the advice before me... give this some thought before you decide to go, I think since you're separated. For me, I had resolved to go ahead and divorce my AH, hadn't spoken to him in several months since he was in prison. He agreed, etc., but wanted me to bring my youngest daughter to see him. She wanted to go, so I took her. Well it was all about him and how he'd changed, he cried the whole time. In the end, I fell for it, even though I felt so strong before I went. And here I am not sure I made the right decision. So, just think about what YOU want, and make your decision based on that. Sending prayers everything works out for you and hope your birthday is special!

finallyout

thanks ray (& everyone), i haven't decided yet, but that is the one thing that worries me, is how hard he'll try to convince me that hes changed & will I buy it or stay strong? I'll let you know what I decide. Thanks again.
Jen

cinderellawkids

Seeing them in jail tears you up even if all feelings are gone. Its too much and theya re all gonna do great while they are there but few months after getting out a large number go back to their old ways. Its sad reality.

My first husband is still in prison I met current AH Im separated from while first hub was still writing regularly, never really had transistion time emotionally and I think that helped me to end up taking so much crap and watching current AH in and out of jail. Its tough and visiting them there is definately not something Ill repeat or recommend