Will i ever be able to let go?
ilona
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: linden, nj
Posts: 12
Will i ever be able to let go?
Once i read the sticky about the pain we endure by loving an addict i realised that i have a very long way to go to get to a pain free life. To tell you the truth i really don't know why even i am writing , but i guess i need to get some things of my chest. So if you read through this i greatly appreciate it.
I keep wondering if i will ever be able to let go of the life me and my AD once had. We got together when i was only 17. He was 22 at the time. We were married 2 months after we met. ( If you are rolling your eyes, i don't blame you, many ppl did and still do till this day once they hear how how we got together. ) He was in the army. And to tell you the truth i hated it. He was gone allot and I couldn't get enough of my SWEETHEART, who treated me like a Queen. He was very into the body building and i was into dancing. We were really active couple. We had our random fights , but which couple doesn't? But at the end we would never go to bed mad at each other.Everything was too good to be true. The only thing that i was missing in my life was a child. When i turned 20 i stoped taking my depo shot and we got pregnant on the first try. 9 mo later my son Sly was born. My husband got out of the military and established a construction business.He was making up to six thousands a month.We bought a big house and oooops i got pregnant again. When i was 9 mo prengnat with our baby girl, my AD decided that he would like to try some mushrooms. He tried them b4 and he thought that it was a good idea, NOT! He disappeared for 4 hours and then called me and told me that it was too weird and that he is comming home. My husband i once married NEVER came home that day .Everyday after that he would come later and later. Then, he wouldn't come home at all. He started spending our money like crazy. I mean 300 , 400 $ a night. I knew it was no mushrooms, but at that point i could figure out what it was. One day my mom showed me a lil package she found in our bedroom, no bigger than a finger nail, that had some white cristals in it. I searched the web. I knew it was either crack or meth. I confronted him and he said it was crack. This was 8 mo ago. And during these 8 mo my AD spent a lil over 40, 000$ and a whole allot more of my tears.Like i posted in my introductry post, i am pretty sure that he is not smocking crack any more, but most likely shooting up ....something.
It had been 8 months and i still morne over the life we had. I KNOW that it will never be the same , even if he sobers up. So why can't i let go of something i will never have again? What upsets me the most is that i feel that i will never be able to firgive him for what he did. I dont' think i will ever be albe to trust him again. So how do i move on, if i can't let go?
I keep wondering if i will ever be able to let go of the life me and my AD once had. We got together when i was only 17. He was 22 at the time. We were married 2 months after we met. ( If you are rolling your eyes, i don't blame you, many ppl did and still do till this day once they hear how how we got together. ) He was in the army. And to tell you the truth i hated it. He was gone allot and I couldn't get enough of my SWEETHEART, who treated me like a Queen. He was very into the body building and i was into dancing. We were really active couple. We had our random fights , but which couple doesn't? But at the end we would never go to bed mad at each other.Everything was too good to be true. The only thing that i was missing in my life was a child. When i turned 20 i stoped taking my depo shot and we got pregnant on the first try. 9 mo later my son Sly was born. My husband got out of the military and established a construction business.He was making up to six thousands a month.We bought a big house and oooops i got pregnant again. When i was 9 mo prengnat with our baby girl, my AD decided that he would like to try some mushrooms. He tried them b4 and he thought that it was a good idea, NOT! He disappeared for 4 hours and then called me and told me that it was too weird and that he is comming home. My husband i once married NEVER came home that day .Everyday after that he would come later and later. Then, he wouldn't come home at all. He started spending our money like crazy. I mean 300 , 400 $ a night. I knew it was no mushrooms, but at that point i could figure out what it was. One day my mom showed me a lil package she found in our bedroom, no bigger than a finger nail, that had some white cristals in it. I searched the web. I knew it was either crack or meth. I confronted him and he said it was crack. This was 8 mo ago. And during these 8 mo my AD spent a lil over 40, 000$ and a whole allot more of my tears.Like i posted in my introductry post, i am pretty sure that he is not smocking crack any more, but most likely shooting up ....something.
It had been 8 months and i still morne over the life we had. I KNOW that it will never be the same , even if he sobers up. So why can't i let go of something i will never have again? What upsets me the most is that i feel that i will never be able to firgive him for what he did. I dont' think i will ever be albe to trust him again. So how do i move on, if i can't let go?
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Holding onto good memories is a good thing. No need to let them go.
What we need let go of are the things that drive us up a wall that are happening today.
What is bothering you today and what can you do about it?
We let go of the things we have no control over and deal with the things we have control over. As far as what happens tomorrow... tomorrow we will figure out how forgiveness works when that time comes.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and just for today... deal with what today brings you to deal with.
What we need let go of are the things that drive us up a wall that are happening today.
What is bothering you today and what can you do about it?
We let go of the things we have no control over and deal with the things we have control over. As far as what happens tomorrow... tomorrow we will figure out how forgiveness works when that time comes.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and just for today... deal with what today brings you to deal with.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((ilona))
The sad part of all this is the terrible loss. We loose the people that we love. They change, the drugs change them into strangers. I always related what we go through to mourning a death. Except they are still alive, and we know deep down somewhere in that body, is that person, the one we miss. The one we mourn. And like anyone that we love, and even strangers, when we see them slipping away, we want to save them, but we can't, so we mourn that too. We have to come to that total realization...it's not in our control, there is nothing we can do except take care of ourselves. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially when you are mourning the loss of one of the most wonderful things in your life.
I wish it was different. I wish none of us ever had to go through it. I wish the people we love, never went through addiction. I wish the pain and agony that this causes everyone, would just go away. But it doesn't. It's out of our control what they do with their lives, that's in their HP's hands. Our lives, and the way we choose to live them, is really the only thing we can control.
My heart and prayers go out to you.
B
The sad part of all this is the terrible loss. We loose the people that we love. They change, the drugs change them into strangers. I always related what we go through to mourning a death. Except they are still alive, and we know deep down somewhere in that body, is that person, the one we miss. The one we mourn. And like anyone that we love, and even strangers, when we see them slipping away, we want to save them, but we can't, so we mourn that too. We have to come to that total realization...it's not in our control, there is nothing we can do except take care of ourselves. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially when you are mourning the loss of one of the most wonderful things in your life.
I wish it was different. I wish none of us ever had to go through it. I wish the people we love, never went through addiction. I wish the pain and agony that this causes everyone, would just go away. But it doesn't. It's out of our control what they do with their lives, that's in their HP's hands. Our lives, and the way we choose to live them, is really the only thing we can control.
My heart and prayers go out to you.
B
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think that for now, i'll just show my support and continue to follow your thread, i'm kind of in the same place as you right now. i think that you have been given good advice so far, i like what best said about taking it one day at a time, thats all we have until we are given more.keeping you and yours in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
Hi, my AH doc is also crack. Naranon is very helpful. But the letting go part just takes time as does any healing process. Focus on yourself and your children and do whats best you. When I find myself thinking about the wonderful times we've shared and how I'd like that back, I then remember all the horrible things he did and how we could never get back to the good times cuz he'll never be that man again. Its sad and painful. Its a mourning process that only time will heal. My prayers are with you.
Jen
Jen
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