I wanted to say hello
Learning to live again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Sunny Florida
Posts: 6
I wanted to say hello
I have been lurking for a few weeks, and finally got the nerve to register and post.
I guess I will give an overview of my story.
I met "M" a year and a half ago. We dated and and we have been living together for a year now. I have two beautiful children (3 and 9) from a previous marriage. It was all so wonderful in the beginning. He wanted to be a part of our family. My kids love him, I love him. He treated me like a princess. It was all beyond perfection.
He never told me he was an addict.
He was sober at the time we met and began dating. About 7 months into it, he disappeared one night. He came home in the morning, sweating, crying and telling me how sorry he was. He said he was out all night doing cocaine. I had seen friends of mine after a night of partying, and knew what that looked like, so I knew that was the case. When he said cocaine, I thought he was snorting. That was what cocaine meant to me. Snorting. We talked. He said how sorry he was. That he hadn't done it in years and didn't know what came over him. I figured everything would be ok. And it was for a few months. Then it happened again. Only this time it was two nights. And he came home high. I had never even seen a crack pipe. So, it didn't even click when I saw him light up in the bathroom. It took a few minutes, and I said "Why are you smoking crack." He said that he had told me the last time he had done cocaine, so why was I so surprised? I didn't know what to do. I knew nothing about it. He stayed home all that night getting high in the bathroom, and I thought I saw the weirdest behaviour in my life that night. I was wrong. He slept all the next day. When he woke up, we talked, and he said that yes, he had been smoking cocaine (he won't say the work crack) for a long time, and that he thought he was sober, but was slipping up and would get help. He started going to meetings. I though it was over. I was wrong, it was just the beginning.
Three months ago, he disappeared for a week. No call. No nothing. $1200 gone. Poof. He came back, and immediately went into rehab. I still didn't know anything about crack, or addicts really. I thought he went into rehab it will be fine. Wrong again. He was out of rehab only a few weeks before he started using again. It has been a month now of daily use. And I don't know if this hell is beginning or ending.
I asked him to leave a week and a half ago. He kept saying he was going to go get help. Get better. It would be over soon. He just kept going round and round. He has used everyday since he left. I hear from him, he is always stoned and scared.
I am trying to work on myself. I understand so much more now about crack and addiction (more then I ever wanted to know). This is a confusing time for me and I am trying to make sense of it.
Thank you for listening.
I guess I will give an overview of my story.
I met "M" a year and a half ago. We dated and and we have been living together for a year now. I have two beautiful children (3 and 9) from a previous marriage. It was all so wonderful in the beginning. He wanted to be a part of our family. My kids love him, I love him. He treated me like a princess. It was all beyond perfection.
He never told me he was an addict.
He was sober at the time we met and began dating. About 7 months into it, he disappeared one night. He came home in the morning, sweating, crying and telling me how sorry he was. He said he was out all night doing cocaine. I had seen friends of mine after a night of partying, and knew what that looked like, so I knew that was the case. When he said cocaine, I thought he was snorting. That was what cocaine meant to me. Snorting. We talked. He said how sorry he was. That he hadn't done it in years and didn't know what came over him. I figured everything would be ok. And it was for a few months. Then it happened again. Only this time it was two nights. And he came home high. I had never even seen a crack pipe. So, it didn't even click when I saw him light up in the bathroom. It took a few minutes, and I said "Why are you smoking crack." He said that he had told me the last time he had done cocaine, so why was I so surprised? I didn't know what to do. I knew nothing about it. He stayed home all that night getting high in the bathroom, and I thought I saw the weirdest behaviour in my life that night. I was wrong. He slept all the next day. When he woke up, we talked, and he said that yes, he had been smoking cocaine (he won't say the work crack) for a long time, and that he thought he was sober, but was slipping up and would get help. He started going to meetings. I though it was over. I was wrong, it was just the beginning.
Three months ago, he disappeared for a week. No call. No nothing. $1200 gone. Poof. He came back, and immediately went into rehab. I still didn't know anything about crack, or addicts really. I thought he went into rehab it will be fine. Wrong again. He was out of rehab only a few weeks before he started using again. It has been a month now of daily use. And I don't know if this hell is beginning or ending.
I asked him to leave a week and a half ago. He kept saying he was going to go get help. Get better. It would be over soon. He just kept going round and round. He has used everyday since he left. I hear from him, he is always stoned and scared.
I am trying to work on myself. I understand so much more now about crack and addiction (more then I ever wanted to know). This is a confusing time for me and I am trying to make sense of it.
Thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome and I am glad that you found the courage to post. My addict is my 20 year old daughter. She is a heroin addict, and lives with her addict boyfriend who is 37 and his drug is crack. They are currently homeless even though he makes twice the money my husband and I do. Crack is a really nasty drug that does not want to let go of the addict. Do stick around and continue to post. Also if you have Alanon or Naranon meetings close to you, they can be a lifesaver. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am so glad you found us. i am sorry this is happening to you. my son is a crack addict.he is & has been for the last 13 yrs. please read the sticky at the top of the forum if u haven't."what addicts do "is a good one.you are on a long hard road. there is nothing you can do for him. all you can do is learn to take care of you. read ,read & read some more of all the post here.there are some addicts that never recover.it is sad but true. it is only going to get worse till he decides he wants to quit. my prayers for you, your kids & him.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome sorry that you had to be here but glad you found us. the addict in my life is my husband and i've been living in addiction off and on for 21 yrs, i've heard most of all your bf is saying to you about getting help. my husband has been through countless rehabs, jail, institutions and he's still back and forth using crack. it doesn't get any better unless there is a conscience commitment to stay clean and work a program of recovery. there is no guarentee, addiction is for life and can only be arrested by doing a lot of hard recovery work.
the others offered some important and wise advice to you and i agree with them all. i maybe time that you concentrate on you and your kids. there is nothing to do to make him want to stop using. he have to want to because he wants to, no other reason will normally work. i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs clean, so it is possible but the choice is up to the addict and for your life to get better, that choice is yours. keeping you and yours in my prayers
the others offered some important and wise advice to you and i agree with them all. i maybe time that you concentrate on you and your kids. there is nothing to do to make him want to stop using. he have to want to because he wants to, no other reason will normally work. i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs clean, so it is possible but the choice is up to the addict and for your life to get better, that choice is yours. keeping you and yours in my prayers
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Griffen,
Welcome to Sober recovery. Sorry about the circumstances that led you here.
But...you found a great place, lots of good people, plenty of support.
I am the mom of 2 addict sons, one is 28, the other 33.
You sound like you have some recovery in you, have you been attending meetings? If not, they're great, good face to face support there too.
We're all here for you,
Hugs,
Welcome to Sober recovery. Sorry about the circumstances that led you here.
But...you found a great place, lots of good people, plenty of support.
I am the mom of 2 addict sons, one is 28, the other 33.
You sound like you have some recovery in you, have you been attending meetings? If not, they're great, good face to face support there too.
We're all here for you,
Hugs,
Learning to live again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Sunny Florida
Posts: 6
Thank you everyone for your kind words and helpful advice.
I have been reading like crazy this past month and I understand so much more then I did before. I guess my original problem was that I have known addicts, some of my friends got hooked on coke (snorting never crack) and got better, I realize now Crack is a beast all it's own. It's almost kinda scary.
I have been spending a lot of time putting back the pieces of my life. I let a lot slide this past month. My home, my business and most of all myself. I thank HP for my kids, I have been trying to be supermom to make up for everything. I am starting to realize it is ok just to be mom (with super like abilities sometimes : ) )
I am going to start going to Nar-anon meetings, and CoDA meetings. I realize this has been a long pattern for me. In an odd way, I am trying to be thankful for this. It has opened my eyes and I have done a lot of reflection inward.
It doesn't hurt any less. But, I am on the road to recovery. The pain will stop, the wounds will heal, all in good time, and I will be stronger for it in the end.
I have been reading like crazy this past month and I understand so much more then I did before. I guess my original problem was that I have known addicts, some of my friends got hooked on coke (snorting never crack) and got better, I realize now Crack is a beast all it's own. It's almost kinda scary.
I have been spending a lot of time putting back the pieces of my life. I let a lot slide this past month. My home, my business and most of all myself. I thank HP for my kids, I have been trying to be supermom to make up for everything. I am starting to realize it is ok just to be mom (with super like abilities sometimes : ) )
I am going to start going to Nar-anon meetings, and CoDA meetings. I realize this has been a long pattern for me. In an odd way, I am trying to be thankful for this. It has opened my eyes and I have done a lot of reflection inward.
It doesn't hurt any less. But, I am on the road to recovery. The pain will stop, the wounds will heal, all in good time, and I will be stronger for it in the end.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It doesn't hurt any less. But, I am on the road to recovery. The pain will stop, the wounds will heal, all in good time, and I will be stronger for it in the end.
Go to those meetings, they will help you more than you can imagine, and continue to hang out here because it's a good place to know you have support 24/7.
I think you are very wise to step back from the chaos, and leave some space between you. The worst seat in the house is up close and personal right there in the front row and it took most of us longer than you to realize that these really are the cheap seats and that we can do nothing to change the drama for them, but we can for ourselves. And you are already on a good path just knowing that your answers will come from within yourself.
Hugs
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Welcome.
I too got into a relationship and did not know my BF was an addict. I knew nothing about drugs. I know more than I evr thought I woud need to now. He is gone, my life is back on track.
My XABF has been an addict for over 40 years. he did a lot of free base and snorting and said he had quit it but smokes pot every day all day. I suspect from his behavior that Coke is not 100% gone from his life. I also suspect he will never get into recovery.. makes fun of those who do.
You are not the only one fooled by an addict.
I too got into a relationship and did not know my BF was an addict. I knew nothing about drugs. I know more than I evr thought I woud need to now. He is gone, my life is back on track.
My XABF has been an addict for over 40 years. he did a lot of free base and snorting and said he had quit it but smokes pot every day all day. I suspect from his behavior that Coke is not 100% gone from his life. I also suspect he will never get into recovery.. makes fun of those who do.
You are not the only one fooled by an addict.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Welcome - and glad that you found us. You've done an amazing job of getting "up to speed" in this world of addiction. I was involved with my RAH prior to learning of his crack addiction. Like you, cocaine was snorted. I didn't realize the profound difference between the two. It might as well be two different drugs. It is truly a demonic substance. Addiction is a progressive disease. It sounds like he is in the deep throws of it.
You are smart to focus on your self. It's like what they say about oxygen masks - save yourself first. It is the only way. You sound like you are doing great with the focus on your kids and getting back up to speed with your own life. It was my involvement in this relationship that allowed me to finally look at how much work I needed to do on my self.
Elana is right - you definitely are not the only one fooled by an addict. An active addict is incapable of telling the truth - mainly because they don't know it.
Keep posting.....I've discovered that I am only as sick as my secrets.
Love, Donna
You are smart to focus on your self. It's like what they say about oxygen masks - save yourself first. It is the only way. You sound like you are doing great with the focus on your kids and getting back up to speed with your own life. It was my involvement in this relationship that allowed me to finally look at how much work I needed to do on my self.
Elana is right - you definitely are not the only one fooled by an addict. An active addict is incapable of telling the truth - mainly because they don't know it.
Keep posting.....I've discovered that I am only as sick as my secrets.
Love, Donna
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
NPG,
Welcome to SR.. I am so happy that you found us and decided to join our little corner on the internet. You already got wonderful suggestions... I enjoyed reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
As for me my boyfriend is a crack addict... has been active the past two months. But this has been a rollercoaster of him being clean, active, program and jail for the past 3 years. It's not easy and extremely hard. I finally am coming to terms that I am addicted to him. I have a child from a previous relationship and have a one year old with him. I didnt know he was a crack addict but I did know he had a history of using drugs... but I was naive and that all was okay because he wasn't using at the moment.
My heart goes out to you because I know the pain your feeling.
Hugs,
jewel
Welcome to SR.. I am so happy that you found us and decided to join our little corner on the internet. You already got wonderful suggestions... I enjoyed reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
As for me my boyfriend is a crack addict... has been active the past two months. But this has been a rollercoaster of him being clean, active, program and jail for the past 3 years. It's not easy and extremely hard. I finally am coming to terms that I am addicted to him. I have a child from a previous relationship and have a one year old with him. I didnt know he was a crack addict but I did know he had a history of using drugs... but I was naive and that all was okay because he wasn't using at the moment.
My heart goes out to you because I know the pain your feeling.
Hugs,
jewel
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Midwest
Posts: 66
Glad you found us! My exah is a crack addict as well. I knew nothing of crack or addicts at the time I found out about his drug use either. My youngest was 2 months old and my oldest was 17 months old. He went to rehab about six months after I found out and I believe he relapsed almost immediately.
I stayed for 5 years and finally couldn't live with an addict any longer. I look back now (it's a year in May since I divorced my exah) and cannot believe how peaceful our lives have become. My children are doing fantastic in school, I was able to quit one of my part time jobs (I was working FT and 2 PT jobs living with him) so now I can now be home more with my kids, I'm able to financially afford things I could never have done.....living with an addict.
When I first came to SR (Sept. 04) I couldn't believe I'd ever get out from the dark hole I was living in. I wondered how so many people here actually found 'recovery'. Now I know! I could never have made it through the ordeal without SR.
Please stick around and take care of you and your kids. I promise you'll be forever grateful!!
Good luck to you and again, I'm glad you found us!
Jen
I stayed for 5 years and finally couldn't live with an addict any longer. I look back now (it's a year in May since I divorced my exah) and cannot believe how peaceful our lives have become. My children are doing fantastic in school, I was able to quit one of my part time jobs (I was working FT and 2 PT jobs living with him) so now I can now be home more with my kids, I'm able to financially afford things I could never have done.....living with an addict.
When I first came to SR (Sept. 04) I couldn't believe I'd ever get out from the dark hole I was living in. I wondered how so many people here actually found 'recovery'. Now I know! I could never have made it through the ordeal without SR.
Please stick around and take care of you and your kids. I promise you'll be forever grateful!!
Good luck to you and again, I'm glad you found us!
Jen
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I could have written your post and completely understand what you are going through.
The ill feeling I get in my stomach when I am in that situation came to me as I read what you have been dealing with.
To restore some sense of serenity and sanity and get to a place where you can accurately see reality- you should find a way to take care of yourself. I wish had a more step-by-step instructions to give you- (i am still searching for them myself
I too was in a relationship with an addict before I understood what was going on. He revealed to me three months into our relationship that he had been using and I was unaware of the severity of drug addiction at that time and believed that just ceasing substance use was enough to eradicate it from his life. He was clean (or so I thought- I truly won't know) for nine months after that, then he started pulling away from me and because I was so in the dark about addiction I turned so much self-hate inward and my insecurity increased. When I found out it was drugs I was devestated.
I felt/still feel so powerless. At the present moment it is a HUGE struggle for me to focus on myself and not worry whether or not he is taking his recovery seriously.
Now I am terrified of the substance and how powerful it is.
The ill feeling I get in my stomach when I am in that situation came to me as I read what you have been dealing with.
To restore some sense of serenity and sanity and get to a place where you can accurately see reality- you should find a way to take care of yourself. I wish had a more step-by-step instructions to give you- (i am still searching for them myself
I too was in a relationship with an addict before I understood what was going on. He revealed to me three months into our relationship that he had been using and I was unaware of the severity of drug addiction at that time and believed that just ceasing substance use was enough to eradicate it from his life. He was clean (or so I thought- I truly won't know) for nine months after that, then he started pulling away from me and because I was so in the dark about addiction I turned so much self-hate inward and my insecurity increased. When I found out it was drugs I was devestated.
I felt/still feel so powerless. At the present moment it is a HUGE struggle for me to focus on myself and not worry whether or not he is taking his recovery seriously.
Now I am terrified of the substance and how powerful it is.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
Hi, just wanted to welcome you too. I'm also new to SR but not so new in dealing with addiction. My husband of 10 yrs is a crack addict. We've separated and I plan on filing for divorce as soon as I have the money. The best advice I can give is the same as the others have, go to meetings, keep posting here and read what the others have to say, they are truly inspirational. Its a horrible thing that you're going through but you are certainly not alone. You and your family are in prayers.
Jen
Jen
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Draper, UT
Posts: 5
I am so glad you had the courage to post...people here are very supportive! I hope things work out for you...you deserve it...please remember that YOU are the most important thing and deserve to be happy.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
