I need some direction please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 6
I need some direction please
I am trying to find a 12 step program for family/wives of addicts to do for myself.
I am not living with a using addict but a recovering one and man....it hurts so bad.
When he was using he acted like he loved me, acted like he cared. Since his recovery he has become a different person...a good person and a clean person but a person who no longer cares about me. A person who can now point out my "defects of character" at evry moment.
I am struggling with getting used to him never being home and always being at a meeting or on the phone... now there are fellow FEMALE addicts calling him. He gives them what I need...love,patience and his time. He meets them for coffee to chat and they call him when they've had a bad day and he call them when he has had a bad day. I can't deal with this, I told him I get the male friends needing each other, but I can't take these women calling.
Like all addicts he cheated on me when he was using, and I know this was a different person. I can see past that but I need him so badly and he doesn't want to be needed, at least by me. I know that this is something I must work through by myself. I was hoping someone out there might have a link to a 12 step program for families. As in a workbook like they have for addicts. Perhaps one that is online and has a link. I don't have money to buy one, I am currently supporting him, myself and our 4 year old son.
I love him so much, I stuck out the addiction because I KNEW WHO HE IS! I KNEW WHEN HE DIDN"T WHAT A WONDERFUL MAN HE COULD BE. And now he is living that. He is that man to these women but not to me.
Oh...to make matters worse I am 9 weeks pregnant with his 2nd child. Part of me doesn't want this baby because I can't do it alone. He told my sister he doesn't have enough love in his heart for another child.
I just want him to love me again...but I think I need to love myself first and maybe then Ill wake up and realise I don't need this anymore!!
I am not living with a using addict but a recovering one and man....it hurts so bad.
When he was using he acted like he loved me, acted like he cared. Since his recovery he has become a different person...a good person and a clean person but a person who no longer cares about me. A person who can now point out my "defects of character" at evry moment.
I am struggling with getting used to him never being home and always being at a meeting or on the phone... now there are fellow FEMALE addicts calling him. He gives them what I need...love,patience and his time. He meets them for coffee to chat and they call him when they've had a bad day and he call them when he has had a bad day. I can't deal with this, I told him I get the male friends needing each other, but I can't take these women calling.
Like all addicts he cheated on me when he was using, and I know this was a different person. I can see past that but I need him so badly and he doesn't want to be needed, at least by me. I know that this is something I must work through by myself. I was hoping someone out there might have a link to a 12 step program for families. As in a workbook like they have for addicts. Perhaps one that is online and has a link. I don't have money to buy one, I am currently supporting him, myself and our 4 year old son.
I love him so much, I stuck out the addiction because I KNEW WHO HE IS! I KNEW WHEN HE DIDN"T WHAT A WONDERFUL MAN HE COULD BE. And now he is living that. He is that man to these women but not to me.
Oh...to make matters worse I am 9 weeks pregnant with his 2nd child. Part of me doesn't want this baby because I can't do it alone. He told my sister he doesn't have enough love in his heart for another child.
I just want him to love me again...but I think I need to love myself first and maybe then Ill wake up and realise I don't need this anymore!!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Narbekker,
Welcome to Sober recovery.
There is a program just for YOU! It's called Naranon, or Alanon will do if you don't have Naranon in your area.
Lots of great people who understand exactly what you're going through.
AND, we're here, and we understand too!
Glad you found us...
Hugs to you,
Welcome to Sober recovery.
There is a program just for YOU! It's called Naranon, or Alanon will do if you don't have Naranon in your area.
Lots of great people who understand exactly what you're going through.
AND, we're here, and we understand too!
Glad you found us...
Hugs to you,
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
god knows how sorry i am that you are going through all of this, you are supporting him, and i know that you love him, but he's able to support himself, or maybe you could try to allow some of his friends to support him while you support you and your kids, please don't try to live out your life this way. you deserve more.
true recovery is about honesty, self respect and respect for others, i'm so sorry but it don't seem to me that his recovery is as strong as you may think it is. he's not respecting you, your kids or his home, in my opinion. i can't comment on these women but usually true recovering addicts don't pratice disrespecting their spouses feelings or their homelife. i don't want to hurt you by saying this, this don't have to mean that this is about your husband.
in my opinion, it maybe time for you to think about how you can continue to support yourself and the kids and let him figure out how he's gonna support himself. you do deserve more, i do know how you feel, read some of my posts, i've been doing this for far too long and it will only get worse for you. you don't have to make any decisions right now, just think about how you can plan your life to be different or more of the way you want to be, with or without him.
even thought i've been married for 21ys and my ah has been addicted all along, i've managed to raise 7 kids, basically on my own with the help of my hp. you can live a better life if you choose to. in my opinion, your husband is only treating you the way that he is because you are allow him to continue living the way he wants to. he's having his cake and eating it too. maybe you can set some boundaries around him working, these friends and his using. sorry i don't me to be harsh, i care so much, i can see me in you beginning 21 yrs back and my ah is still living the same addicted life off and on. i love you and want you to know that you can get better even if he don't. if i'm out of line here, i'm truly sorry, i just care
true recovery is about honesty, self respect and respect for others, i'm so sorry but it don't seem to me that his recovery is as strong as you may think it is. he's not respecting you, your kids or his home, in my opinion. i can't comment on these women but usually true recovering addicts don't pratice disrespecting their spouses feelings or their homelife. i don't want to hurt you by saying this, this don't have to mean that this is about your husband.
in my opinion, it maybe time for you to think about how you can continue to support yourself and the kids and let him figure out how he's gonna support himself. you do deserve more, i do know how you feel, read some of my posts, i've been doing this for far too long and it will only get worse for you. you don't have to make any decisions right now, just think about how you can plan your life to be different or more of the way you want to be, with or without him.
even thought i've been married for 21ys and my ah has been addicted all along, i've managed to raise 7 kids, basically on my own with the help of my hp. you can live a better life if you choose to. in my opinion, your husband is only treating you the way that he is because you are allow him to continue living the way he wants to. he's having his cake and eating it too. maybe you can set some boundaries around him working, these friends and his using. sorry i don't me to be harsh, i care so much, i can see me in you beginning 21 yrs back and my ah is still living the same addicted life off and on. i love you and want you to know that you can get better even if he don't. if i'm out of line here, i'm truly sorry, i just care
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
She was right. There is Alanon & Naranon. And like Teke said, it doesn't sound like he is working a program. They suggest that men work with men & women work with women. For exactly the reasons that Teke pointed out. He should also be "using" his program in all aspects of his life. Which means respecting you & treating you well. He should in some way be making amends for his actions when he did use.
When both of my ex's were in the program, it was an unwritten rule that they did not "help" women. And when a woman did seem to try to monopolize their time, I pointed out to her that he had a wife. I am not suggesting this about your husband, but there is something called "13th Stepping" in the program. And unfortunately, some people use AA & NA as a dating service. Which is sad.
If your husband is truly trying to work a program, he should understand how you feel & validate those feelings. Also, the "hormone" thing that you are dealing with right now.
Sounds like besides Alanon, you need to have a sit down with this man & set up some boundaries for you.
Lynne
When both of my ex's were in the program, it was an unwritten rule that they did not "help" women. And when a woman did seem to try to monopolize their time, I pointed out to her that he had a wife. I am not suggesting this about your husband, but there is something called "13th Stepping" in the program. And unfortunately, some people use AA & NA as a dating service. Which is sad.
If your husband is truly trying to work a program, he should understand how you feel & validate those feelings. Also, the "hormone" thing that you are dealing with right now.
Sounds like besides Alanon, you need to have a sit down with this man & set up some boundaries for you.
Lynne
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
It doesn't matter which you go to (Naranon, Alanon, CODA), but the important thing is to GET TO SOME MEETINGS.
For me, it was like getting a shot of pain reliever... it didn't heal the hurt, but it helped with the pain.
Eventually, as the pain lessened, I could think clearly and began to work on myself. THEN I started to make real progress. But until I got to my first meeting, nothing changed.
((hugs))
A good way to find a meeting is to type Alanon or Naranon into Google or another search engine along with the name of your town.
For me, it was like getting a shot of pain reliever... it didn't heal the hurt, but it helped with the pain.
Eventually, as the pain lessened, I could think clearly and began to work on myself. THEN I started to make real progress. But until I got to my first meeting, nothing changed.
((hugs))
A good way to find a meeting is to type Alanon or Naranon into Google or another search engine along with the name of your town.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 6
this is "HIM"
I have to keep my recovery first RIGHT? I have to follow "THE" program not hers.I have tried this IT DOESN'T WORK! right.I know its about balance but I HAVE TO LEARN how to stay clean.If I use I'm good to who? NOBODY! I know I will end in jail an institution or more importantly DEAD! And what good am I to my amazing son or my awaited daughter/son."Its going to be a girl though".....or anyone else in this world.Does it really matter where you get the message from? (AA,NA,CA,OEA.etc)To me the answer is NO.We go to meetings to share HOPE FAITH and COURAGE....EXPERIANCE STRENGTH AND HOPE...ETC! I do talk to guys but with some issues you do need the opposite sexes opinion? And I right or not?I do service work at meetings,gsr,chair, secratery,door greeter make coffee and on and on! What ever it take to stay CLEAN and live a better life right?I have FIANALY completed a set of steps CLEAN and have experianced a spiritual awakening for the first time in my life.Im clean for over 90 days by taking into finally concideration what is suggested by ALL my sponcers and fellow members of 12-step programs.These programs have changed my life and am truly grateful for everyone.My son finally says I LOVE YOU to me and means it!!! That is the only thing that matters to me right now.So narece.I will carry the message to you as my sponcers have most definatly tryed to get across to me in the 5 YEARS of going to meetings.And you know Nar I couldnt get past 3 DAYS without be a complete ****** *******!!!!!!!
A life without a program is not worth living,so get the **** off the cross and do something about it insteady of sitting about crying about it!!!!!!.But that was only SUGGESTED to me.and is truly no more than a suggestion to you too.Nar may amends to you is not to repeat the same action and follow through with this for a long while in regards to your FEAR.I dont want my cake and eat it too I am just trying to LIVE the program and not fall down anymore.I have surrendered to my addiction and have accepted who and what I AM.Unfortunatly (I apoligize)I have affected you and everyone else. TXS for reading.
ANOTHER 24 TO EVERYONE,KEEP COMING BACK.
IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT.
SO WORK IT BECAUSE YOUR WORTH IT!!!!!!!
I have to keep my recovery first RIGHT? I have to follow "THE" program not hers.I have tried this IT DOESN'T WORK! right.I know its about balance but I HAVE TO LEARN how to stay clean.If I use I'm good to who? NOBODY! I know I will end in jail an institution or more importantly DEAD! And what good am I to my amazing son or my awaited daughter/son."Its going to be a girl though".....or anyone else in this world.Does it really matter where you get the message from? (AA,NA,CA,OEA.etc)To me the answer is NO.We go to meetings to share HOPE FAITH and COURAGE....EXPERIANCE STRENGTH AND HOPE...ETC! I do talk to guys but with some issues you do need the opposite sexes opinion? And I right or not?I do service work at meetings,gsr,chair, secratery,door greeter make coffee and on and on! What ever it take to stay CLEAN and live a better life right?I have FIANALY completed a set of steps CLEAN and have experianced a spiritual awakening for the first time in my life.Im clean for over 90 days by taking into finally concideration what is suggested by ALL my sponcers and fellow members of 12-step programs.These programs have changed my life and am truly grateful for everyone.My son finally says I LOVE YOU to me and means it!!! That is the only thing that matters to me right now.So narece.I will carry the message to you as my sponcers have most definatly tryed to get across to me in the 5 YEARS of going to meetings.And you know Nar I couldnt get past 3 DAYS without be a complete ****** *******!!!!!!!
A life without a program is not worth living,so get the **** off the cross and do something about it insteady of sitting about crying about it!!!!!!.But that was only SUGGESTED to me.and is truly no more than a suggestion to you too.Nar may amends to you is not to repeat the same action and follow through with this for a long while in regards to your FEAR.I dont want my cake and eat it too I am just trying to LIVE the program and not fall down anymore.I have surrendered to my addiction and have accepted who and what I AM.Unfortunatly (I apoligize)I have affected you and everyone else. TXS for reading.
ANOTHER 24 TO EVERYONE,KEEP COMING BACK.
IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT.
SO WORK IT BECAUSE YOUR WORTH IT!!!!!!!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
narbekker,
Well if that was HIM talking, he sounds like it's all about him right now, doesn't it? And you know what, if he stays sober, maybe it needs to be about him.
I know my brother, who is now sober for 12 years or more is all about "me me me"...(he even buys himself a Xmas present...LOL)
So, continue going to meetings, and you'll gain a good support group, and we're here 24/7 too!
Glad you found us.....
P.S. my addicts are my 2 sons..and by the grace of God, sober for today.
Hugs to you,
Well if that was HIM talking, he sounds like it's all about him right now, doesn't it? And you know what, if he stays sober, maybe it needs to be about him.
I know my brother, who is now sober for 12 years or more is all about "me me me"...(he even buys himself a Xmas present...LOL)
So, continue going to meetings, and you'll gain a good support group, and we're here 24/7 too!
Glad you found us.....
P.S. my addicts are my 2 sons..and by the grace of God, sober for today.
Hugs to you,
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with moose, if this really is him, he seems to be really thinking of himself and his recovery, i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs sobriety and i do know that what works for some don't always work for others. i'm sorry if i offended you by my cake response, i care about your wifes feelings too. don't know how you took it but i didn't mean to offend you. i know what its like on both sides of the fense, my husband of 21 yrs is what brought me here. i understand your spouses feelings and i also recognize yours, i think.
it helped my self esteem a lot to be able to have my spouse and my kids to trust me again, it also helped me to be more careful of how i treated the people that i had harmed once i was clean and the program taught me to be conciderate of others while i work my own selfish program.
the program taught me that people do have a right to their own feelings, just as much as i did. i'm glad that you are so commited to your program and i'm sorry that your spouse seems to be suffering for it. its your life and you have to do whats best for you and so do she. i'll keep you and your wife in my prayers.
it helped my self esteem a lot to be able to have my spouse and my kids to trust me again, it also helped me to be more careful of how i treated the people that i had harmed once i was clean and the program taught me to be conciderate of others while i work my own selfish program.
the program taught me that people do have a right to their own feelings, just as much as i did. i'm glad that you are so commited to your program and i'm sorry that your spouse seems to be suffering for it. its your life and you have to do whats best for you and so do she. i'll keep you and your wife in my prayers.
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