help from other wives with high functioning ah's
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
help from other wives with high functioning ah's
I have written here about high functioning addicts before. I just wanted to hear from other wives who are in the same sort of position as me.
My ah is doing well at work...he is in a high position with alot of responsibility. Somehow he keeps it together there, but that requires most of his energy so he has very little left for his family.
His sleeping habits are terrible and it effects us. On the weekends he basically sleeps very, very late and then lays on the couch and watches tv, sleeps, or used his laptop.
What happens is like right now, things are going well...things are calm, he is going to work, going to bed at a decent hour and i believe he is not using..but its only been maybe a week..i have suspisions that he used the other night though. And he is ordering perscription drugs on the internet..im not sure which, but maybe modifinal...a narcolepsy drug.
but when things are "almost normal" i get sucked in thinking that things are getting better..only until the next time, when something happens, or i find something in the house..proof that he is using.
I am not in a desperate situation where he has been arrested or he has lost his job, or anything like that..but he has been violent in the past, if i brought up things like debt on his credit cards that he hides from me....so in that sense it is a desperate situation...and also, i do not want to live my life like this..the inconsistent, unhealthy environment is not safe for my children.
so the next time something happens, i am trying to gain my strength to say "I cannot tolerate any drug use in this house anymore...it is not safe for our kids, and since you will not respect my boudary of no drugs or drug use in this house, then you will have to leave". If he doesnt leave, i will have no choice but to file for divorce. There is no legal seperation in my state and I dont want to call the police if I dont have to. That will just lead to him going to jail and lossing his liscence and then he will be out of a job and i will be out of any support that i need for me and my kids.
I just wanted support and/or advise from wives who are in teh same kind of situation i am in.
fyi..his DOC is cocaine.
My ah is doing well at work...he is in a high position with alot of responsibility. Somehow he keeps it together there, but that requires most of his energy so he has very little left for his family.
His sleeping habits are terrible and it effects us. On the weekends he basically sleeps very, very late and then lays on the couch and watches tv, sleeps, or used his laptop.
What happens is like right now, things are going well...things are calm, he is going to work, going to bed at a decent hour and i believe he is not using..but its only been maybe a week..i have suspisions that he used the other night though. And he is ordering perscription drugs on the internet..im not sure which, but maybe modifinal...a narcolepsy drug.
but when things are "almost normal" i get sucked in thinking that things are getting better..only until the next time, when something happens, or i find something in the house..proof that he is using.
I am not in a desperate situation where he has been arrested or he has lost his job, or anything like that..but he has been violent in the past, if i brought up things like debt on his credit cards that he hides from me....so in that sense it is a desperate situation...and also, i do not want to live my life like this..the inconsistent, unhealthy environment is not safe for my children.
so the next time something happens, i am trying to gain my strength to say "I cannot tolerate any drug use in this house anymore...it is not safe for our kids, and since you will not respect my boudary of no drugs or drug use in this house, then you will have to leave". If he doesnt leave, i will have no choice but to file for divorce. There is no legal seperation in my state and I dont want to call the police if I dont have to. That will just lead to him going to jail and lossing his liscence and then he will be out of a job and i will be out of any support that i need for me and my kids.
I just wanted support and/or advise from wives who are in teh same kind of situation i am in.
fyi..his DOC is cocaine.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
hi, i'm new to this site, but i can definately relate to your situation. my AH was very high functioning for 10 yrs. He ran his own business, coached our kids soccer teams, had lots of friends and business contacts that had no idea about his using. His DOC was cocaine also but as since progressed to Crack. I did leave him four months ago, when I came home from work to find him high and alone with the kids. He's never been violent or even mean to the kids and I can't imagine that he would ever physically hurt them, but I wasn't taking it anymore. No child should have to grow up with that. My kids are young enough that they don't know what hes doing but they are also not at all surprised when he disapears for two or three days at a time. I just couldn't take it anymore. After 10yrs of rehabs, jail, missing money in amounts I don't even want to think about and now doing it in the house with kids there was my last straw. The sad thing is I think hes done in the house before with them home but I didn't know it. Anyway, if you really can leave, do it. No matter how well they function, they function because we are helping to hold the family together. After I left, he got much worse, lost the house, his business and is now in jail. Once you leave, he may just hit bottom and get help. I realized that I was preventing him from hitting bottom just be sticking around. It didn't matter how many houses we got evicted from or how much debt we had, he felt that he still had his wife and kids so he must not be all that bad. Well now lets see how he does on his own. Not good so far. You should do what you feel is best for your family but remember that living with an active addict is not good for anyone, especially your children. By the way, a friend of mine who did not use but her husband did, lost her kids to foster care for 6 months because social services found out he was a crackhead (after he was arrested for possession, the police informed social services when they came to the house to search his car and realized he had kids). She was forced to move out, and prove to social services that she doesn't do drugs in order to get her kids back. It was a horrible thing for those kids to go thru and I wouldn't want any child to have to experience that. Just food for thought. Good luck and my prayers are with you.
Jen
Jen
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Saskatoon Saskatchewan
Posts: 28
I was in a similar situation to you up until a couple of weeks ago. AH was a decent provider, worked two weeks at a time in the field (without using) then came home for two weeks and was a complete maniac some of the time. However there were months when he seemed like a normal guy. He always went back to the drugs (cocaine and crack being his docs) He still managed to bring home the paycheque no matter what problems, and it was an extremely good paycheque, seeing as how he was in a managerial position at a resource company.
Well now he's as good as lost his job. He started screwing up a couple of weeks ago - missing a course he was supposed to take in town, not returning phone calls to his boss, etc etc. He's been completely missing for a week, is due back at work in 5 days and I'm pretty sure he's not going to make it back in time. Even if he does he won't be in any condition to work.
So I guess what I'm saying is quit while you're ahead. Get out now. And don't even worry about trying to boot him out. I've been playing that game with my AH for months, trying to get him to leave so I can keep the house. Forget about that, just get out now. You don't want it to get to the point where you're in an emergency situation, so take responsibility for yourself and your children NOW!
Well now he's as good as lost his job. He started screwing up a couple of weeks ago - missing a course he was supposed to take in town, not returning phone calls to his boss, etc etc. He's been completely missing for a week, is due back at work in 5 days and I'm pretty sure he's not going to make it back in time. Even if he does he won't be in any condition to work.
So I guess what I'm saying is quit while you're ahead. Get out now. And don't even worry about trying to boot him out. I've been playing that game with my AH for months, trying to get him to leave so I can keep the house. Forget about that, just get out now. You don't want it to get to the point where you're in an emergency situation, so take responsibility for yourself and your children NOW!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
mine too......once upon a time long ago he was functioning, then his addiction took to him the very bottom................but mine bounced back from his bottom and AGAIN became high functioning
later he cleaned up we dated then married and he was high functioning for many years then he used again. Since that time he's managed to stay "high functioning" he stays clean for various amounts of time but its the relapses that happen in between that make life difficult and scare me that this time he could be arrested, this time he could die this time he may not stop with the smaller amounts of cash he may clean us out or may steal from someone else this time he may not make it back from his using................
the thing is no matter how they look on the outside, when they are clean or trying to stay clean using one more time could be the end.
ironically my ah doc is also cocaine, well crack but he does them both.......
from all outward appearances one would never expect that my AH would use/smoke crack but the fact is that he does...........seemingly out of nowhere he doesn't come home, he drives to crack town buys from the thugs on the street bends cans and smokes that junk .......puts himself on the same "nasty" level we imagin of those "type" of people
and we tell ourselves they are somehow different because they "function" but in all honesty they are no better than a homeless, stealing dirty crackhead you see in those parts of town the only difference is that WE haven't gotten to the place where we stop helping them LOOK GOOD to everyone else,
we try to keep it hidden so WE feel btter about who and what they have become or are becoming.............the truth is they are drug addicts and can and do live the life of an addict sometimes only "partttime" but they do.
And the saddest part is that even as I write this theres a little voice inside me that says........he'll never get THAT BAD AGAIN He's trying to stay clean.............and I would bet that other wives, that are still hanging on like me, tell themselves the same thing, oh no NOT MY husband
somehow we are able to seperate their behaviors....tell ourselves they are functioning.........we are forgetting that they crawled out of a crack neighborhood just before they crawled home telling us it will never happen again..................but unfortunately in our life ..............never has yet to come ...........since his return to using the closest to Never for us has been what 122 days.................
Good luck to you
later he cleaned up we dated then married and he was high functioning for many years then he used again. Since that time he's managed to stay "high functioning" he stays clean for various amounts of time but its the relapses that happen in between that make life difficult and scare me that this time he could be arrested, this time he could die this time he may not stop with the smaller amounts of cash he may clean us out or may steal from someone else this time he may not make it back from his using................
the thing is no matter how they look on the outside, when they are clean or trying to stay clean using one more time could be the end.
ironically my ah doc is also cocaine, well crack but he does them both.......
from all outward appearances one would never expect that my AH would use/smoke crack but the fact is that he does...........seemingly out of nowhere he doesn't come home, he drives to crack town buys from the thugs on the street bends cans and smokes that junk .......puts himself on the same "nasty" level we imagin of those "type" of people
and we tell ourselves they are somehow different because they "function" but in all honesty they are no better than a homeless, stealing dirty crackhead you see in those parts of town the only difference is that WE haven't gotten to the place where we stop helping them LOOK GOOD to everyone else,
we try to keep it hidden so WE feel btter about who and what they have become or are becoming.............the truth is they are drug addicts and can and do live the life of an addict sometimes only "partttime" but they do.
And the saddest part is that even as I write this theres a little voice inside me that says........he'll never get THAT BAD AGAIN He's trying to stay clean.............and I would bet that other wives, that are still hanging on like me, tell themselves the same thing, oh no NOT MY husband
somehow we are able to seperate their behaviors....tell ourselves they are functioning.........we are forgetting that they crawled out of a crack neighborhood just before they crawled home telling us it will never happen again..................but unfortunately in our life ..............never has yet to come ...........since his return to using the closest to Never for us has been what 122 days.................
Good luck to you
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry my husband is the crack/cocaine addict here too. don't know what else i can add to what has already been said, the others all hit it right on. i'm also a recovering crack head and i can tell you from both sides, functioning addicts are only functional as long as they have someone to help take care of their responsibilities so that they can continue to take care of their drug use, when left to do both, its almost impossible to stay functional for long. addiction is a very progressive habit. you mentioned that at one time he had been violent, addicts can progressively get very dangerous, so please do what you have to do to protect you and the kids.
btw, its true what the others said, you are taking a change at losing your kids to the ward of the state, your are also taking a chance at getting arrested yourself and having you property confiscated, if he's ever caught use there. sorry for all the bad news but active addiction is a very serious thing with serious consequences if caught. time for you to think about your own life for a change and the lives of your kids, you all deserve to have a better way of life. keeping you in my prayers
btw, its true what the others said, you are taking a change at losing your kids to the ward of the state, your are also taking a chance at getting arrested yourself and having you property confiscated, if he's ever caught use there. sorry for all the bad news but active addiction is a very serious thing with serious consequences if caught. time for you to think about your own life for a change and the lives of your kids, you all deserve to have a better way of life. keeping you in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
My AH can be highly functional as well. The only time he loses a job is when I refuse to get him there (doesnt have a license), or when he would just choose that he didnt like the guys there. Even ran a successful business for over a year, until one rough week he pawned his generator, no tools no business.
The worse part is if they have been known to be violent or have a temper. Usually the angrier they are at themselves, the more they stand to lose the more dangerous they are and with your situation, as well as mine, that is what concerns me.
Not entirely true. There is no separation but you can file a restraining order and he will eb removed from your house and courtordered to pay child support (Plus in your situation because your husband has a good job history) You have to show why you fear for your safety. Drug addiction is a good start and Floridas form states it. Im told the key to getting the injunction is staying calm and certain.
When he gets angry does he break anything? If so take pictures when he leaves the room and store those pictures in safety. The sad reality is, and I have to remember this too, many woman die at the hands of their spouses, addicted or otherwise, and generally these are the woman who dont report the abuse for one reason or another
The worse part is if they have been known to be violent or have a temper. Usually the angrier they are at themselves, the more they stand to lose the more dangerous they are and with your situation, as well as mine, that is what concerns me.
If he doesnt leave, i will have no choice but to file for divorce. There is no legal seperation in my state and I dont want to call the police if I dont have to.
When he gets angry does he break anything? If so take pictures when he leaves the room and store those pictures in safety. The sad reality is, and I have to remember this too, many woman die at the hands of their spouses, addicted or otherwise, and generally these are the woman who dont report the abuse for one reason or another
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
One more thing, if he's driving pulled over, searched and found with drugs and theres a carseat in the vehicle, DCF is 80% likely to be notified.
I used to think that would never happen and then a criminal judge here told me a story, 4 years ago he was driving in another state. Pulled over for a burnt out tail light. Fine he was calm, no biggie right? wrong, he could put his fingers on the registration so car was searched and he was held over night, this Judge until DMV could fax proof of his ownership. If a judge can be searched so can our addicts
I used to think that would never happen and then a criminal judge here told me a story, 4 years ago he was driving in another state. Pulled over for a burnt out tail light. Fine he was calm, no biggie right? wrong, he could put his fingers on the registration so car was searched and he was held over night, this Judge until DMV could fax proof of his ownership. If a judge can be searched so can our addicts
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
why is it so hard for me to leave....i think its my co-dependency
i find it so hard to leave...or rather to get him to leave or go to an attorney and follow-through with filing for divorce..or get a restraining order.
I know that i shouldnt wait for the next time for things to get out of hand...but thats seems to be when i am angry enough to do something...like call the cops.
Or go to a lawyer.
I guess im just waiting for the next bad thing to happen so that i will get mad enough to file for divorce...that is my next step,.....unless he wants to get out and seperate first...which i dont think he will..
I think it is my lack of confidence in myself and my lack of high self esteem. I just cant seem to stay angry enough although i really want what is best for my children and would fight for that.
We are goign to the therapist tomorow and i should feel strong enough to get some of my points across when im there...like although you may have not used in a week?? that doesnt mean anything...you dont think you have a problem and are not willing to fight for changes in your life..etc...
thanks for all of your encouragement and for helping me to gain some strength.
I appreciate it.....so much.
I know that i shouldnt wait for the next time for things to get out of hand...but thats seems to be when i am angry enough to do something...like call the cops.
Or go to a lawyer.
I guess im just waiting for the next bad thing to happen so that i will get mad enough to file for divorce...that is my next step,.....unless he wants to get out and seperate first...which i dont think he will..
I think it is my lack of confidence in myself and my lack of high self esteem. I just cant seem to stay angry enough although i really want what is best for my children and would fight for that.
We are goign to the therapist tomorow and i should feel strong enough to get some of my points across when im there...like although you may have not used in a week?? that doesnt mean anything...you dont think you have a problem and are not willing to fight for changes in your life..etc...
thanks for all of your encouragement and for helping me to gain some strength.
I appreciate it.....so much.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
I think we all were with "functioning" addicts at one time. My ex had 2 homes, a great job, a cabin, a fancy truck & all the money he needed before it finally caught up with him. And when we got together, he pulled it together again. And we had "it all". He was loved at work. Loved by our neighbors. He had everyone "fooled". But then it caught up with him again. As someone else said, it always catches up with them at one point or another. So, we all "Been there". And some day, if he doesn't find a program or a way to stay clean & sober, you, too will be one of us.
There just comes a point where we finally say "enough". And nobody can tell you when that point is. I stayed with my 1st husband for 23 years. And my ex for 6. Just, hopefully, violence isn't the reason you finally leave.
Lynne
There just comes a point where we finally say "enough". And nobody can tell you when that point is. I stayed with my 1st husband for 23 years. And my ex for 6. Just, hopefully, violence isn't the reason you finally leave.
Lynne
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Draper, UT
Posts: 5
I am so glad you made this post! My AH is finally, after 2 years of hell, in a clinic which is just for professionals. He has only been there a couple of weeks, and it's been crazy up and down, but, I am so happy that things finally have the opportunity to change!
Have you thought about intervention with him? Has he been to a clinic or rehab? My AH was to the point of not working, draining us and putting us into serious amounts of debt. He is highly educated with a masters degree from a reputable school and had an extremely good job. He branched out to work independently, but that all went down the tubes when his addiction caught up with him.
He has torn apart our house, backyard, inside the house, and garage. He would stay up 40+ hours at a time several times a week. He's lost his drivers license, gotten pulled over, had bench warrants (have no idea how he got out of that one....but he was a master manipulator and liar!) We are both prescribed amphetamines. Him for ADD, and me for narcolepsy. He goes through his RX within 2 weeks, and then starts stealing mine. I had mine locked in a box which he eventually broke into....Luckily, I rarely use all of mine for the month anyway....
I am hoping that being away for 6-8 weeks will help him the help he needs. I am also, on my end dealing with my own "detox" emotionally. Seeing a therapist twice a week, so that I can healthy. I know I am co dependent, and definitely need to learn how to stop the "dance" that he and I have created.
Our kids are doing ok...although young, can still feel the stress and have regressed in age a bit (bed wetting, etc.) so I know they're feeling it. I have gone from completely without hope, to all the hope in the world and everything in between. Sometimes feeling these within days of each other.
I would say, get yourself some help, maybe get him some help, but more importantly...start taking care of YOU, and then see if you feel your marriage is still worth ending. Perhaps intervention would work with him.
I understand, amd going through it all myself... and I really hope things work out for you!!!
Rachel
Have you thought about intervention with him? Has he been to a clinic or rehab? My AH was to the point of not working, draining us and putting us into serious amounts of debt. He is highly educated with a masters degree from a reputable school and had an extremely good job. He branched out to work independently, but that all went down the tubes when his addiction caught up with him.
He has torn apart our house, backyard, inside the house, and garage. He would stay up 40+ hours at a time several times a week. He's lost his drivers license, gotten pulled over, had bench warrants (have no idea how he got out of that one....but he was a master manipulator and liar!) We are both prescribed amphetamines. Him for ADD, and me for narcolepsy. He goes through his RX within 2 weeks, and then starts stealing mine. I had mine locked in a box which he eventually broke into....Luckily, I rarely use all of mine for the month anyway....
I am hoping that being away for 6-8 weeks will help him the help he needs. I am also, on my end dealing with my own "detox" emotionally. Seeing a therapist twice a week, so that I can healthy. I know I am co dependent, and definitely need to learn how to stop the "dance" that he and I have created.
Our kids are doing ok...although young, can still feel the stress and have regressed in age a bit (bed wetting, etc.) so I know they're feeling it. I have gone from completely without hope, to all the hope in the world and everything in between. Sometimes feeling these within days of each other.
I would say, get yourself some help, maybe get him some help, but more importantly...start taking care of YOU, and then see if you feel your marriage is still worth ending. Perhaps intervention would work with him.
I understand, amd going through it all myself... and I really hope things work out for you!!!
Rachel
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
My son is the addict in my life. He does not live with me, he is 40 yrs old & his addiction has been going on for 20yrs.
Thank you all for your honesty & for opening up your lives & all the secrets you have so freely shared. It sure has helped me to realize what a very, very serious thing the disease of addiction is. My 1st husband was a compulsive gambler & after 10 yrs of an on & off marriage I ended it for good, this was many many yrs ago.
I vaguely remember my yrs of indecision & of not wanting to end my marriage. We had 2 sons together. Gambling can be as destructive as drug use. He became violent once cuz I hid 2 dollars in a box of detergent
My ex helped me to end it without meaning to. He got in trouble with the law & took off to Florida. I had started back to college to get my BSN around the same time. I remember I had been willing to go to him with my boys once he had established himself. I was even going to use an alias to continue this marriage.
By the grace of God this never happened. After he was gone for a few months I found out he had taken up with a topless dancer. I had went on a blind date because my sister had pushed me. This 6 yr younger man fell in love with me & treated me like gold. This is what gave me the strength to finally end it. I saw how this new guy treated me & both he & my husband claimed to love me. I finally had some distance from my ex & this helped me so much to see things clearly. I also was sooo angry at my ex for cheating on me. I remember seeing my ex about a yr after this happened & saw the woman he had taken up with..................OMG you think a topless dancer would be beautiful!!! No Way I couldn't believe he had taken up with someone like that but by this time I had changed & grown so much that I was not in love with him anymore. It was so very sweet when he begged me to come back & said to me " I always loved you but I wasn't in love with you :" and I could say " Well its too late because I am not in love with you anymore."
I never did marry that younger guy, I stayed alone for 10yrs until I met & married my present husband.
I learned with my 1st husband to never give any man your soul. I had given it ALL to my 1st & that is something you just shouldn't do. Your love & heart YES but never your soul.
I don't know if this helped anyone, I feel like I am rambling & I had a really rough day cuz of my AS.
Love,
Diane
Thank you all for your honesty & for opening up your lives & all the secrets you have so freely shared. It sure has helped me to realize what a very, very serious thing the disease of addiction is. My 1st husband was a compulsive gambler & after 10 yrs of an on & off marriage I ended it for good, this was many many yrs ago.
I vaguely remember my yrs of indecision & of not wanting to end my marriage. We had 2 sons together. Gambling can be as destructive as drug use. He became violent once cuz I hid 2 dollars in a box of detergent
My ex helped me to end it without meaning to. He got in trouble with the law & took off to Florida. I had started back to college to get my BSN around the same time. I remember I had been willing to go to him with my boys once he had established himself. I was even going to use an alias to continue this marriage.
By the grace of God this never happened. After he was gone for a few months I found out he had taken up with a topless dancer. I had went on a blind date because my sister had pushed me. This 6 yr younger man fell in love with me & treated me like gold. This is what gave me the strength to finally end it. I saw how this new guy treated me & both he & my husband claimed to love me. I finally had some distance from my ex & this helped me so much to see things clearly. I also was sooo angry at my ex for cheating on me. I remember seeing my ex about a yr after this happened & saw the woman he had taken up with..................OMG you think a topless dancer would be beautiful!!! No Way I couldn't believe he had taken up with someone like that but by this time I had changed & grown so much that I was not in love with him anymore. It was so very sweet when he begged me to come back & said to me " I always loved you but I wasn't in love with you :" and I could say " Well its too late because I am not in love with you anymore."
I never did marry that younger guy, I stayed alone for 10yrs until I met & married my present husband.
I learned with my 1st husband to never give any man your soul. I had given it ALL to my 1st & that is something you just shouldn't do. Your love & heart YES but never your soul.
I don't know if this helped anyone, I feel like I am rambling & I had a really rough day cuz of my AS.
Love,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 61
My RAH was a functioning addict for awhile (about a year or more) but he ended up getting fired because he would be up all night using drugs, not sleep then start drinking or disappear for days and not show up or call work. He finally got fired.
I also had no self esteem, which surprised alot of people the garbage I took from him. We are together now and have moved - it seems OK so far - but it was the hardest decesion I made to make the move. He seems OK - and pretty much stopped on his own.
He does admit he had a problem and is trying to fix some of his financial mess. We actually went away as a family last May - the trip was only for me & my son. I didn't book my AH at the time, he wasn't even living at home. He wanted to come with us and I agreed to it. He actually said to me just last night that I enjoyed that trip - I looked at him like he was nuts. That was the WORSE vacation of my life - he was a mess, he was sneaking around talking & texting the girlfriend. He admits he doesn't remember alot of the last 2 years.
I wish I found this site back then, I found it kind of late - but it has made me feel so much stronger. I promise myself that if he ever uses again or cheats again - we are done. There is no way I am wasting more of my life. I lost and wasted 2 years of my life worrying about him - I deserve so much better then being treated the way I was treated. I regret alot from the past that I should have done different - and I don't know how this will work with us. Too much may have happen for me to get over.
My last straw was we came back from vacation, he disappeared, we had an appointment at the terapist he didn't show. She told me take what money is left and change the locks. That was my plan - he came home with a huge gash on his head, he got into an accident and got a DUI. I let him stay - he seemed to straighten out then but it wasn't until Dec.
Take care of yourself and your kids - don't waste your life. When it is time you will know what to do.
Sent you a PM -
I also had no self esteem, which surprised alot of people the garbage I took from him. We are together now and have moved - it seems OK so far - but it was the hardest decesion I made to make the move. He seems OK - and pretty much stopped on his own.
He does admit he had a problem and is trying to fix some of his financial mess. We actually went away as a family last May - the trip was only for me & my son. I didn't book my AH at the time, he wasn't even living at home. He wanted to come with us and I agreed to it. He actually said to me just last night that I enjoyed that trip - I looked at him like he was nuts. That was the WORSE vacation of my life - he was a mess, he was sneaking around talking & texting the girlfriend. He admits he doesn't remember alot of the last 2 years.
I wish I found this site back then, I found it kind of late - but it has made me feel so much stronger. I promise myself that if he ever uses again or cheats again - we are done. There is no way I am wasting more of my life. I lost and wasted 2 years of my life worrying about him - I deserve so much better then being treated the way I was treated. I regret alot from the past that I should have done different - and I don't know how this will work with us. Too much may have happen for me to get over.
My last straw was we came back from vacation, he disappeared, we had an appointment at the terapist he didn't show. She told me take what money is left and change the locks. That was my plan - he came home with a huge gash on his head, he got into an accident and got a DUI. I let him stay - he seemed to straighten out then but it wasn't until Dec.
Take care of yourself and your kids - don't waste your life. When it is time you will know what to do.
Sent you a PM -
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
My (recovering) AH was high functioning until the last year of his active addiction. RUnning businesses etc.) We had been married for many years and he never told me abotu the "skeleton" in his closet (heroin). It started slow, and then progressed....I thought he was cheating with a woman, and then I finally I thought he was abusing prescription drugs (he had Crohn's disease years ago and kept complaining that his stomach was hurting all the time.....HAHAHA, boy was I stupid). Anyways, when I finally told him there was no way I was living with a drug addict (my first husband was an acidhead for a while), I guess he decided to start getting "cleaned up", well, the withdrawal was a lot harder than he thought, being older now and all, and he finally confessed the real problem and went to detox/rehab. He seems to be doing well, but he knows absolutely that I will leave him if he "relapses". He "relapsed" after more than a decade of being clean.....and i think that's b*******.
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