StarGazer6

I know what's happening to me today...I started off so well and strong. I keep thinking about my ex ABF. I can't seem to stop thinking about all the great memories I have with him, not the recent past with the selfishness and crack addiction. I miss him sooo much, it hurts so bad even after almost 4 months. The pain went away for a little bit b/c he came over back on crack two weeks ago and I was in shock from it but I keep thinking about how he used to be before he got on that stuff. He just took me to Hawaii last June and I still have a hard time believing what's happened to us.

I'm scared b/c in my heart I know it's over. He said he'd keep in touch with me after that night he was back on drugs but he hasn't called me in two weeks. I know it's for the better but it makes me feel empty and left alone that he isn't trying to redeem himself at least...I don't know how he would do that though in the first place but I think he's probably ashamed. I want who he was back, how can he choose that drug over the people who love him? I miss the love we shared and all the great times when I would feel so blessed that he was in my life. It hurts so bad, my bed is empty, I just want to be held and cared for. I wish he could be a supportive BF again. I try to keep busy all the time and go out with friends but my life seems so dull without him.

Thanks for letting me talk. Not sure what I'm expecting to hear, it just sucks that I lost someone so special to me that I used to look up to.

dollydo

Dull, probably, we can become addicted to the chaos and drama, and when it is gone, we become somewhat bored...I know I was for awhile...then I embraced the peace and serenity...and forward I went. Happy and smiling.

All this takes time, you will be fine.

patchoulli

I learned something here. The only way to get past pain is to go thru it. Face what is right now, feel it, let it go, and work on you...It works for me...

rozied

Dear Star,
Addiction is a terrible, progressive disease. It steals the people we love & replaces them with people who look exactely like the people we love but once they become addicts they are not the same. They are strangers inhabiting the same body. This is the only way I can describe it.
I have been dealing with this for 20 yrs with my oldest son. Last August I had my son back for awhile but then his addiction took over & now I have lost him again. I love him more than I can say but I cannot be a part of his life when he is using.
I know you miss what should have been but you must deal with what is..............denying how he has changed from his addiction will only give you more pain than you are feeling now. Keep coming back & find some face to face meetings if you can. Stay strong it does get better with time.
Love,
Diane

outonalimb

(((((stargazer))))

I know what you're saying. I lost my husband to addiction. He's not the same person anymore and I don't think he ever will be. Addiction changes them. It changes us too. I don't think there's any 'going back'. It took me a very long time to come to this realization. Give yourself time to grieve..but don't stay there too long. There are lots of wonderful people and things to do out there...and they'll still be there when you're ready.

hope213

sending prayers for you & your b.f...

teke

sorry you're feeling this way, i agree with the others give yourself some time and work on you while you wait, in time things will get better, still praying for ya