finallyout

Hi everyone, new to this message board, but not new to addiction. My husband of 10 yrs is a crack addict. Actually he has been the whole 10 yrs of our marriage, I just finally left him 4 months ago and moved out of state. My kids and I are now doing much better emotionally. Of course, I'm broke cuz i get no child support from him. Actually since I left, he lost this house, his business and is now sitting in county jail for 30 days for unpaid fines. He writes to me and tells me that he has hit his bottom and his reading all the books he can get on changing and getting clean. Of course, I've heard it all before, haven't we all?? Hes been in jail and rehabs more than once before so no, I don't believe. The problem is I WANT to believe him. Of course I don't want to relive that hell all over again but some days my resolve starts to fade. I find myself missing him and feeling lonely. Part of me wants to give in and see him again. But I know its I can't. Anyway thats where I am right now. Any thoughts or advice is gratefully appreciated. Thanks.
Jen

Brownie

Hi finallyout! Welcome to SR. Glad you are the children are doing better on your own than with your AH. Are you sure you miss him or the idea of family? I separated when my kids were teens and it was lonely at times and with no child support it is difficult. But you are responsible for your happiness and now that you are here in SR you just won't be lonely - keep posting and let us know how you are making out - OK? (((HUGS)))

rozied

Jen I have ben going through this for 20 long yrs with my addict son & BOY do I ever want to believe he will straighten out BUT I also know he cannot if I help in any way. He has to do it ALL for himself & by himself if it is to mean anything & last.
I totally understand you wanting to belive him but reality tells you, you can't!
Love,
Diane

finallyout

I know that you are right, but tell me, when CAN you believe them? And if they ask for your help (in recovery) what do you say? What can we do for them if they are seeking help?

Taking5

How did he even know where to write you? What is your part in letting him back into your life?

rozied

I am no expert or psychiatrist. IMHO you cannot do for them anything they should be doing for themself. I know my SA would need to be clean & sober for at least 6 months, maybe a whole year before I would even think he was telling the truth. He has lied so very much over the last 20 yrs I would need to see actions done for a long time.
I hope that helps,
Love,
Diane

teke

welcome to sr, glad you found us but hate the circumstances. sorry that you are going through all of this but its good to see that you are doing what you need to do to take care of you and the kids.

the addict in my life is my husband of 21yrs and he has been active basically the whole marriage too. i've spent most of those yrs off and on, more seperated than together, so i do understand how you feel.

i found myself missing the man that i thought he was and not the one he became. try to keep the focus on you and allow him to do the same. addicts are very resourceful, when he's ready, he will probably find a way to get help. you can always right down some info and give it to him if asked. have you gone to any meetings yet? keep posting and reading. keeping you and yours in my prayers

outonalimb

Hi Jen...Welcome to SR! This place has been such a blessing to me! I hope it is for you too!!

I left my exah (ex-addict-husband) almost 3 years ago. His drug of choice was/is heroin. I also get very little from him in terms of child support and I know how hard it is sometimes.

There have been several times in the last few years when my exah seemed so sincere about wanting to change and be the husband and father he's capable of being. I fell for it several times because I WANTED to believe him so badly. What I've learned...however...is that the words/promises of an addict mean nothing. They will say whatever they can to get us back. And the worse things are for them, the harder they try.

Your husband is in jail right now. Of course he's going to talk a good game and make all kinds of promises and plans for recovery. You can't trust his words, however. You just can't. Sit back and watch what he does when he gets out. If he gets a job, pays child support, and stays clean for a long time, maybe then you can reevaluate what you want from your marriage. You'll know whether he is sincere in time. Until then, try to keep your focus on you and your children.

All of this can be much easier said than done...I know this firsthand...

Whatever you decide to do...you've come to a great place for support from people who really 'get it'...That, for me, was the biggest blessing of SR. I didn't feel so alone in my struggle with addiction in my marriage.

I hope you stick around and let us get to know you better. We all learn so much from each other here...

hope213

welcome to S.R. there is alot of of people here with the same problem as you.stick around, pull up a chair & read around. the info here is tremondous. read all the stickys at the top of the forum & keep coming back.

Hangin' In

I'm so glad you've found us. There is great support here, so make yourself at home.

I hope you'll post and read and post and read. Stick around. Listen to those who seem to have something you want and then do what they do. I've found that works good for me...life is better these days.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

finallyout

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I know that he is just talking a good game right now to win me back. I do plan on just watching what he does when he gets out of jail. I know it won't be good but I can't help having a little hope. It would be rather difficult for me to go back to him anyway as I moved 250 miles away, hes in PA, I'm in MD. And my kids are in school here, made new friends and I found a job I like. Last night was very difficult for me, ended up crying again and thinking about giving up and going home but I find if I just sleep on it for a night or two then I wake up realizing that I am doing the right thing and things will get better. So glad I found this site. Thanks everyone.

wayconfused

I know how you feel. Actually I wish I had the guts to just get up and leave. I have been coming here for a couple months now. And believe me you found the right place. This site gives me strength and helps me stand my ground. So keep posting and reading it will help...
HUGS
way

finallyout

way, i waited 10 years to get the "guts" to leave. That doesn't actually happen. There was no one defining moment that made me realize i had to go. i came home from work one day, he was home with the kids (i have 4) cuz schools was closed and I found him high. He proceeded to try to keep doing it in the bathroom all night. I flipped out and said no more. I didn't even really think it thru actually, I packed everything i could the next day and left for my parents house. the whole drive down here, i wanted to turn around and go back. the first two months were the worst, trying to find a new job, new school for the kids, dealing with my parents,etc. i wanted to go back so many times i couldn't count them. but i knew in my heart that if i went back nothing would ever change and my life and my kids lives were being ruined by his behavior. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but i don't regret it one bit. if you can get out, the go. don't think about it, just run. you can figure out you're new life once you get away. whatever you do, my prays are with you. good luck!

Elana

Welcome. I was married to an alcoholic for 19 years and was in a relationship with a drug addict for 6 years. I am not with either man now and I have no children.

Just offering hope and prayers. Read here.. all the stickies and if there ar eno NarAnon meetings inyour area, try AlAnon. I found it all very helpful and my friends here on SR are the best.. Great support!

StarGazer6

Welcome Finallyout, I'm pretty new here too. Glad you found this site, it really helps when you need some understanding from people who have been through more than I can imagine.

My ExABF (ex addicted boyfriend) of 5 years who just broke with me (believe it or not) 4 months ago is smoking crack now, I found out about 2 months ago and I couln't believe it, he hid it really well from me but was probably doing it for the last half year. Anyway, I know how you feel, yesterday and today I've been missing him really bad and just want to go back to the life I had with him before the crack, before he got so secretive and stopped wanting to hang out as much. He was an amazing person before the crack, I fell hard for him when we were still in college at Cal State when he had everything going for him, he could swoon just about any girl he came across and was funny and smart... But he's always been a dealer since I've known him, still is. I got his best friend to put him in rehab about 6 weeks ago and he dropped out 2 weeks ago, came over to my house back on that stuff, he's a different person now. I do NOT miss the person I've seen since he's doing crack, but I used to do a lot of GHB, E, coke and vicodin with him and I miss the life, it was fun for a long time. I didn't go to rehab, I just decided it was time for me to grow up and I wish he was there with me but I can't make him stop or not be addicted. He's over $120,000 in debt from risky business ventures with other druggies. It's a very sad situation and I get really lonely some days but his life is so dark and depressing. He owns a house that he's struggling to hold on to.

This was his 2nd time in rehab so I know what you mean by hearing it before, this time I really thought he was going to change since everyone was supporting him, he was coming around and was so convincing! I'm not sure if he's smoking meth yet but it may be a next step and I wouln't put it past him since he knows so many people who do it. I had tons of beautiful memories with him but when I pulled away from that lifestyle to work on myself we drifted apart and I think he felt like a loser and that's why he left me. It hurts that this person who I would've stood by would desert me like this but like I said, he's such a different person now, selfish and deceitful. Hardly capable of loving anyone else right now. My cat who was my little angel, just passed away last weekend and I didn't even call him for comfort b/c he's so caught up in himself and I was afraid he'd be too strung out to talk anyway.

I feel for you, I wish I could go back to the days when I felt truly cared for by him. I wanted to believe him too, I still do. It's hard to imagine what his life is like day to day...probably really gloomy...I don't think he gets out as much anymore. How could he choose that? I'm trying to accept that.

Wascally Wabbit

welcome finally!
This really is a great place. I you'll find comfort, understanding, and support here.
Keep coming back.