Back Again
 

I just felt the need to tell someone. My SA called me today to tell me more bad news. My parents are 87 yrs old & have been helping him financially for a very long time. His car neded a new engine & he asked my parents for help. My dad called me to ask me what I think. I told him if they decided to help please do not give him cash only give him a money order made out to the place that was repairing his car. He tells me today they gave him a money order but they also gave him a blank personal check. He cashed it & used the money to go to Atlantic City. They believe he tore it up. Now instead of just paying for the new engine they are going to be out double the money.
He hopes to put the money back before the check clears. I think he needs a psychiatrist as he is exhibiting magical thinking. ( I think that is what its called )Acting on something that might happen. Evidently he damaged his car in Tukey Hill & he is expecting them to reimburse him but he doesn't know sure.
He begged me not to tell my parents. Why did he even tell me I am not a priest! I cannot stand living like this. My parents should know better than to give him a blank check and to ever believe a word he says. My son has multipleaddictions. I don't know what to do.
Thanx for reading my post,
Diane

Diane,
Welcome back. I have missed you. Please take a deep breath, and know this isn't your fault. Your parents know what your son would do, you even told them, but it isn't their fault either. It is your sons, he is sick and needs help, which you nor your parents can give him. Please turn to your HP and go to f2f meetings for more support. I will pray that he gets the money back to your parents before that check clears, they shouldn't be out the money.
Hugs coming to you

My Dear Friend Pam, Thanks so very much for your support. I didn't want to tel my husband or my other son but I needed to tell someone who would understand. I think my son needs a psychiatrist as he NEVER learns. I know my HP is the only one to turn to. Thanks for reminding me. I have missed you too. Pam why does life have to be so very hard. Hope things are now going better for you.
Love,
Diane

Oh rozied, I agree, it's not your fault. Life can seem pretty cruel at times, but we must not dwell too much on the what ifs. I'm sorry you are going through this. We sure can't take back the things they do, but we can move on and hope tomorrow will be a better day. You'll be in my prayers tonight

glad to see ya back but i hate the things you are going through. there is nothing you can do for your son, wish it was. as far as your parents you can not control what they do either.i am sorry he swindled them, that is so sad. i would not cover his using to anybody.they need to know. i will say a prayer for you & your family.keep posting & keep coming back.hugs,

Hi Patti & Hope,
Thanks so much for the warm welcome back & your words of support. Patti thank you for your prayers I can sure use them right now. The bad thing about all of this is it always goes to start Jim & I to having harsh words. My SA & Jim even had a fight Friday. He came over without me knowing he was coming. I wasn't home & Jim went off on him. I was so upset by it all.
Hope you believe I should tell my parents. I am so afraid one of them will have a heart attack. They r 87 yrs old. I am hoping my sa can get the money bk before the ck comes bk & if that is the case I would have upset them for nothing. I wish none of this had ever happened & why oh why does my son tell me when he does something like this??? I wish I knew.
I am so mixed up by it all.
Thanks again for your support.
Love,
Diane

Oh Boy, that is upsetting...it could have been worse, a moneyorder can easily be cashed by him, no matter who it is made out to...I learned that the hard way.

Personally I would tell your parents, at their age they do not need any more surprises, I wouldn't cover for him, and let him try and play catch up...maybe your parents would better understand the con jobs being played on them and
stop enabling him.

Don't know, just my thoughts.

Ditto to what Dolly said, And at their age they may never "get it" about addiction and continue to be vulnerable, so maybe a family meeting may be appropriate to make sure he never has access to their money again.

Normally I would tell you to let them all sort this out, it's not your stuff, but old people are helpless as children sometimes and I think they need protection too.

Sorry for the circumstance but glad to see you back Rozied.

Hugs

Rozied, I was just thinking about you. Was hoping that things were going good. Sorry to hear that your son is continuing to do the same things. But that is what an addict does. As for your parents, I guess they may never learn that helping an addict is really not doing anything but hurting in the end. The sad thing is that your son has no incentive to change when he is being enabled by your parents to stay right where he is. Like Dolly and Ann have said, maybe it is time to sit them down and have a heart to heart with them. Make it as plain as you can that helping your son has to stop. If they want to continue to help him, make it plain that they are doing it at their own risk. You are in no way responsible for what your son or your parents do. You take care of yourself. Hugs, Marle

Diane, I'm glad that you are back, my friend, but so sorry for all the stress and problems. I do agree with Ann that unfortunately older people can be as vulnerable as children and I feel very protective about them. It is probably best to break the news to them so they don't face a horrible surprise.

I know it is very difficult to not listen when your son tells you things, but these confessions are making you ill. Perhaps it be better going forward if you tell him you do not want to hear about his problems and hang up or walk away if he starts to talk about anything you do not want to hear. Eventually it will sink in and he will stop treating you in this way. You can't control his actions, but you can control allowing him to make you his confidante.

Sending hugs and prayers for all of you.

Hi Diane.
What the others said, but beyond that I just want you to know I really care and am sending you love and prayers.

I understand your desire to protect your parents too. Either way they are going to find out.. better from you than from the bank! Maybe better from you.

You are a terrific lady and I want you to know that.

Your son's behavior is addict behavior.. and they would break a heart of stone if allowed to. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

i'm sorry too, i agree with the others, maybe you can have a gentle talk with your parents, explaining things is as gentle way possible, for their benefit. maybe somehow, you and them can come to some agreement to allow you to help in their decisions to give him money in any way. i agree with ann, normally i think that i would suggest hands off addicts, but in this case, i think that your parents should also be protected if possible. i'll pray for all of you guys.

To Dolly, Anne, Marle, Greet, Elana & Teke,
I know you all are right about this. My parents are such great, intelligent people in all lifes matters it still blows my mind when they are so blind regarding my AS behaviour.
Greet you are so right about being his confident...............I do not want to be. He feels guilty now and that is the real reason he told me. Then after he tells me these horrible things he has done he adds that he doesn't want me to tell anyone. For godness sake it does make me sick. He claims to love them more than anything yet continues to decieve them any chance he gets. I really believe he needs a shrink as I think his problems go far beyond drug abuse. He does these horrible things thinking he can make them right before anyone finds out. He does not seem to be abel to control his impulses and he is now 40 yrs old.
I know I should tell my parents. I am just dreading the thought of how they are going to react. I am so afraid one of them is going to have a heart attack. Then I know my son is going to go ballistic on me when he finds out but what does he expect. How can I keep his confidence when he is hurting people I love more than anything. If I don't tell & the ck comes back before he can get the money back my parents wil be out double what they think they spent. I know my dad is going to be so angry with himself for allowing his feelings of love for my son to blind him to how manipulative he is................he asked me before he gave him the money for the engine if I thought he should. His words were Child if we don't help him who will. I said dad at 40 he should be helping himself..........then my mom will throw at me how much Jim & I help my ss. He is not doing the things my as is. He is a single dad, going to college, trying very hard to do whats right. You are so right all of this makes me feel physically ill.
Thank you all so very much for your unconditional acceptance & support.
I will let you know how things turn out.
Love,
Diane

thinking about you, rozied. k

Rozied,
Because they are older, and they love him, it makes them easier to be manipulated. I guess it's what addicts do, but it doesn't lessen the hurt.

I agree, have a gentle talk with them, maybe they'll decide from now on to cut him off at the pass.

Hugs to you,
prayers for your AS.

It's a hard lesson to learn. I'm sorry your son is causing you and your parents heartache. But more than likely he won't be able to return the money and your parents would learn never to do that again.

I remember when my exah's parents once yelled at me for not giving him "enough" money (I had control over his paychecks). I exlplained to them why I was doing what I was doing and they said he still needs more money to live on. (Mind you his job was 5 min. away from home and his job would be complete within 4-5 hours so the rest of the day was spent hanging around until he had to sign out of work. And yes he was allowed to go home and eat and hang.) Now he lives with them and is doing to them what he had done to me. Result: They are giving him even less money I was giving him. Lesson learned.

But it doesn't stop him from drugging. I guess when there is a will there is a way.

My heart goes out to you and your parents.

Thanx K, Dianne & Cupicake, I did call my parents. I must admit I did not have the courage to come 100% clean with them. I did tell them to please put a stop payment on the ck & that I did not trust my son & he would not be above cashing it. I told them that even though it was made out to the place that my son's friend works there & they would not be above cashing it & splitting it. I begged them to please call the bank & check & they told me to mind my own business, my dad said he believed my son ripped the check up. I hate being in the middle, this is making me sick.
Thanks for your support & for listening.
Love,
Diane

Well, the way to deal with this now is to let it go (hard hard hard). You talked to them. they want to believe he ripped the check up. End of story. You tried.

Just go on and love them for who they are and hope that when they see the bank statement they will know you were correct. It is theie choice.

Please do not look at my statemnet as any sort of judgement cuz man I can sure understand. My Dad is 85 and Mom is 80.