Violet Brown

I mean, what do you say to people when they find out that you've got an addict in the family? I only just "came out" to my parents that my husband is an addict. I can tell my mother is really ashamed and doesn't know how to handle it. My father has always been distant, but he actually called me for the first time in 10 years so I know it must be on his mind too. My aunt left a message on my machine yesterday and wants to talk to me but I don't know her very well (I grew up on the other side of the country as her) and I'm not sure what to say. My grandmother, well, she's 90 years old and if she finds out the shame will probably kill her.

Then there's his family as well. His poor mother wants us, my AH and I, to come for a visit right now. She believes she will be able to heal him of his addiction and won't hear otherwise. His father has an attitude of "boys will be boys" and both of them believe this is just a phase that will blow over. (Newsflash: Crack addiction isn't a phase! And he's 33! Soon they'll be calling it a mid-life crisis!) I talked to my mother in law yesterday and she said, in all seriousness, "Oh, well, in 5 years this will all be water under the bridge and you two can get on with your life." This was after I'd told her that I was leaving her son for good, and after I'd told her that her son had gone missing for a week and is still missing! I think his parents are in denial.

Obviously I can't control the reactions of others, but I feel terrible that I've caused so much pain and embarrassment to my own family. (Okay, I know you know I didn't cause it, but I don't think they see it that way...) I know I can't control the reactions of others. I know I have to accept that my family is ashamed, and his family is in denial. I'm so stressed out with all I'm dealing with right now - emotionally, financially, etc. - that I've gotten to the point where I've taken the phone off the hook just so I don't have to deal with others.

So my question is - how do you deal with others? How do you keep their reactions from getting to you? As you can tell, I'm a long long way from finding serenity.

Lovestoomuch

You hold your head up as high as you possibly can and remind yourself that your AH isn't a reflection of who you are......who you've always been as a person. There's a saying I love.
"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be, but before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.".........Bob Marley
Hold your head up high honey. How you feel about yourself and what has happened will show....and there's no shame in something that was completely out of your hands.

Brownie

Hello Violet - Addicts cause so much pain don't they and I am like you not wanting to confide in everyone or anyone. My HP (God) has held my together and just knowing I am never alone because He carries me through each and every situation - I hope you have some replies that can help you - you will be in my prayers ((HUGS))

BigSis

Do you want to "deal" with them, or control them?

The first is do-able.... the second is not.

You can never make them think anything... and being the bearer of bad news does not make YOU the bad guy! One thing I've learned in Alanon is to stop taking on the guilt and angst of the entire world... which I did (and which MANY of us in Alanon come in doing). We are a hyper-responsble lot... but we can change that.

Addiction may be as prevalent as up to 10% of the population... that is a condition that is pretty darned common. And the tendency toward addiction/alcholism runs in familys... don't let his family give you any guff - I am guessing there is at least one alcoholic grandparent or uncle or aunt around in there somewhere.

Do you attend Alanon or Naranon meetings yet? They can be not only a good "support", they are also great at helping me separate the addict from the addiction and separating MY business from that of the addict.

My sponsor told me once -

What other people think of me..... is none of my business.

((hugs))

parentrecovers

i just chalk it up to the fact that some folks just aren't educated about this disease and move on. that's why i come here and go to alanon - all of you get it.

blessings, k

Violet Brown

Thanks to all of you. Those are some great quotes there, by the way. And yes, in some ways I'm trying to control their reactions. And I'm definitely taking on the shame and guilt of my family. I realize that. I want to stop doing that and I need to learn how. I've got a lot to learn!

His grandfather was an alcoholic who abandoned his kids. My father in law is also an alcoholic, at least I suspect he is. I mean, who but an alcoholic brings a 6-pack when asked to babysit his 8 month old grandson for an hour? (I didn't let him babysit that day, btw). But the whole family is in denial about my father in law, eg, he just likes to have fun! He works hard so he deserves a drink now and again, etc etc. I guess that's how they deal with things - ignore the problem.

Thanks for your support and advice. I hope to be as wise as the rest of you one day.

cece1960

Thats a great first step...
For me acceptance was the key, the first step to just about everything that was to come after.
Until I really accepted (and believed) what was happening around me I was stuck.
It didn't happen overnight, but eventually I began to let myself off the hook in regards to feeling responsible for the happiness of EVERYONE I cared for.
Up until then I had been sacrificing my own happiness in the attempt to serve all others.
Violet...I'm a parent of an addict and "I" had to find my own way to deal with that...just as his parents can.
In the meantime leave that phone off the hook for a spell and take care of you and your needs.
You're worth it.
((((hugs))))
Cece

Yardbird

God, if there's one thing worse than an addict in denial, it's an addict's relatives in denial!

I think we've all struggled with trying to control both our addicts and the world around our addicts. Speaking for myself only, I sometimes still try: I may seem "wise" one day and right back to crazy the next.

But it's so much easier if you just have people to talk with who do understand, and nobody understands like those who also have an addicted friend or family member. There have been nights when I stayed up for hours puzzling over some dillemma of living with an addict, working out hundreds of scenarios, feeling lost...and then I go to a meeting and share my confusion and somebody says something incredibly, ridiculously simple, and the problem is solved.

I feel like the only advice I ever give to people dealing with addiction is that maybe you should go to naranon or alanon...but that keeps me semi-sane, more than I think anything else ever could. So keep coming here, but if you can get a face to face support group as well (if you don't have one already) it will help so much. Part of the frustration with clueless relatives is that they make us feel even more alone. But you're not alone!

dollydo

You have nothing to be ashamed of, we all make mistakes. The key is how are we going to correct our mistakes, and not let it happen again.

The family will survive, they also have made mistakes in their life, and moved forward, just as you will.

Violet Brown

Thanks everyone for your support. I'm feeling a bit better now. I think my call from my aunt as well as talking to my mother in law really set me off.

I haven't gone to alanon meetings regularly, as the one near me really isn't the right one for me right now. It's a great group, and I can see that it's where I need to be, but I really didn't click with the one in my area. Childcare is also a big issue right now, and I'm not exactly comfortable foisting a spirited almost 2 year old on a group of people who are attempting to heal themselves. I know I need to go to a support group, and part of the reason I've decided to move home with my family is so that I can access a different group than the one here, and have more people around me who can help out with my son when I need time to look after myself.

Pattilipp

Oh Violet, this is so true. We've all been there, feeling ashamed and guilty. You have done nothing. Like Loves says, hold your head high and do what you have to do.

greeteachday

Violet, You are making some great decisions that go hand and hand with recovery...taking care of you. I know what you mean about not finding the group that you click with...I tried at least 4 or 5 different ones before I found "home." Since then I have missed 1 meeting in a year because I just love being with these people.

I wish I could tell you how I stopped always taking on guilt for the actions of my loved ones and relatives. (I still start to go there sometimes, but I have learned to recognize it and fight against it) I thought that how I felt was "normal;" it wasn't until starting to work on my own recovery that I learned it was not. I think it is true that just understanding that and continuing to work on ourselves helps us to move past that feeling of being responsible for everyone elses actions.


Sending hugs and prayers

teke

i'm so sorry that you are going through this. addiction is so hard to live with, but remember, that in most families today, youre bound to find at least one addicted person, so you are not alone and this is not a reflection on you or your families, its all about the choices that he has made and this. none of this is your fault. still praying for ya,

hope213

when people ask me different things about my a.s. i just tell them it is none of my bussiness & it sure is not any of theirs. hugs,

Hangin' In

Violet,

Oh, the dreaded comments from people who don't understand recovery. UGH! We call them "earth people" in our Al Anon group, for they are the folks who want to chime in (and I'm sure they mean well...ok, so maybe some of them mean well ), but just don't have a clue about addiction.

I'm with the others who recommend getting into an Anon group. Please do search for one that is right for you and attend. And you have to give it time...at least 6 meetings before you say it isn't for you. I know my group has taught me so much about handling my life in the world of addiction as well as the comments from those who really don't understand.

A precious little lady in my Al Anon group said one of her responses, after being asked, "Well how is your husband?" (meaning...how is his drinking, is he drunk, has he lost his job, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...), she responded, "I'll forgive you for asking if you'll forgive me for not answering." And she says it in the sweetest way. Just stops them in their tracks.

And I think it was Ann who taught me to say, when asked about my AD, "Well, she's doing as well as she can." End of story.

Or, "It's his recovery, not mine. I'm just trying to work on myself while he works on himself." It hasn't worked for me to try to explain the details unless the person asking really is asking out of concern, wanting to learn.

I have another friend in recovery (both sides...AA and Al Anon) who tells me, "Don't explain." Period. You owe no one an explanation. If people ask one question, a short and sweet response usually gets the message across. But then you have the ones who don't quite get your short and sweet answer, and ask again. (Another word for them ... NOSEY!) That's when another short and sweet answer works, I've found. I've heard the slogan "some are quicker and some are thicker" in regards to people catching on to recovery. But I think it applies here, also. Some are quicker and some are thicker when it comes to getting the message that we just are not going to discuss our addicted loved one with them because if these probing people aren't in recovery, they just won't get it.

Hugs,
Hangin' In