Elana

The other day a bunch of guys I know were looking out the window and laughing. I went to see over what and there was an older couple hung in a very passionate kiss by their car right on the main street.

I got to thinking about that image and realized that after all I have been thru with my two x's and the last one cheating and lying.. I cannot imagine me EVER again allowing that sort of relationship in my life.

I cannot imagine allowing myself enough feeling for anyone to become passionate. I cannot imagine trusting any man enough to allow myself to become passionate or to become intimate.

I don't want my x back. I could never trust him again ever. I just don't know if I will ever move forward on this issue either.

To me, intimacy is part of a committment. I cannot think of this on casual terms. I know that.
It means a committment on the part of BOTH people and I cannot imagine actually walking thru this glass wall and trusting to that extent ever again. I am just way too afraid it will all be lies again.

It makes me a little sad and a little lonely at times to realize this and understand it about myself.
Perhaps you all have comments on this?

Jewelz

I think your just healing when you are fully healed thats when you would feel ready to date again. I think what your feeling is completely normal. Take your time learning about you again and I do believe you will date again but when your ready.

Hugs,
Jewel

Elana

Of course, at my age I may not have this to worry about either!

Ah.. but with age come WISDOM (so they say?!! and I can hope!).

Lovestoomuch

You're due a good one Elana. He's out there. Just don't close yourself off forever. It would be a shame if you missed him.
Healing takes time.........trusting takes time and we have to be able to trust ourselves first. It took me 8 months to even think about Noah in any other way than as a friend from here. But it happened.........when the timing was right and when I was ready to open myself back up. It'll happen for you too.

StarGazer6

I understand, I'm finally starting to get used to the idea of being single after 4 months from my break up with my ExABF. I'm also scared to let anyone that cloe to me again but I know that time will help me with that. We were together for 5 years, I'm 26 now and still pretty young but it doesn't make it hurt any less. He was such a charismatic and exciting and romantic guy before he got addicted to crack...soooo sad...when I miss him really bad (like today) I try to just think of the recent past with him when he turned into someone else b/c of the drugs. I don't miss who he's become now. I guess it makes it a little easier for me, instead of reflecting on the good and the great.

But give yourself time, that's what I'm trying to do and one day I think that b/c I have so much love in my heart that if it's the right person I'm sure I'll be capable of feeling just as much passion with someone else and it will be a healthier relationship (I pray).

Elana

I don't want to give up forever.. it is just that I can;t imagine this ever happening now and it has been over 6 months. Of coures before that it was almost 6 years.. and then I find out it was all a lie except the photography.

All of it was a lie.

I spent 18 years with my X husbnad and at the end.. before I said I was leaving.. before any of that and not in a moment of anger, he told me he never really loved me.. he got married because he felt it was his "last chance to appear normal.."

cece1960

And if love and passion finds you?

I know how it was for me (two failed marraiges and a few heart breaks in between) and that was as long as I had to think it through, it didn't seem possible.

But didn't I go and run across this guy that just "impressed" me. I don't know why, or what he did or didn't that broke through the fog, but I knew he was different that anyone else I had met.

Don't dwell on what may happen, live in today and see what tomorrow brings. Hmmm that sounds very familiar, huh?

((((hugs))))
Cece

Elana

Oh I will remain open to life and people. I did the closed thing for awhile but it takes way too much energy to maintain and gets sort of boring...

BigSis

(((Elana))) Someone told me once the flip side of love is hate, the opposite of desire is disgust, the reverse of passion is revulsion. After the loss of a love, I have to work through all of those, and might find I am left with a feeling of indifference.

That might be a signal I am ready to love again.

Time takes time... some hurts are deeper than others.

Prayers you can find comfort and peace soon. ((Elana))

hope213

it will happen, it just takes time..hugs,

patchoulli

Hi honey...I was the same way but the reality is that we cannot stop caring, loving, and wanting to be loved. The betrayal hurts immensely, but in the end, We win because we loved...Thank God we can love. I myself will love again, I feel it in the air....There are no guarantees but at least you know what it feels like. You didn't lose, anyone that lost a wonderful woman like you is the loser....Love Marian

rozied

Hi Elana, Hugs to you. After my 1st husband I stayed alone for 10 yrs before allowing myself to take another chance on Jim.....now we are together almost 25 yrs & like Anvilhead said after my 1st I didn't really know what I wanted BUT I sure knew what I didn't want!!!
Allow yourself time to heal my friend...........it hasn't been that long for you, your scars are still pretty fresh.
Sending you hugh hugs,
Love,
Diane

lanie67

I feel the same way. After years of celibacy after breaking up with an addict, whom I never should have been involved with in the first place, I allowed myself to have feeling for someone I met online. It turned out disastrously, to say the least. I feel completely hopeless about this area of my life. This man ended up being a sex addict and I've found that the internet is positively swarming with them and they are all stringing tons of women along and lying their arses off. Sorry to sound jaded. So I've made a rule about no men over the internet. I also have a rule about no meeting people at work, since the last ex I met at work. Since I am a homebody that pretty much rules out everyone else. I've had relationships (two) with people I've met at meetings and I didn't like that either, because of the tension and drama when the relationship ended, the 'don't squat where you eat' rule is a rule for a reason. So I just don't know, I can empathized with not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. What I want in life is a little tiny house and some dirt to grow flowers in. A job and some decent health insurance. That's it, my desires are really simple. I guess if I get in a relationship, it means that God really, really wants me in one if hp sends someone my way, since it's been six years since I've even been on a date and I have less than no desire to even look for someone. My sister just met and married an wonderful guy, they just got married a few weeks ago. And he is one of the good ones. She's been through the wringer with men, too... had a physically abusive ex-husband at one point, it was awful. So that gave me a little hope, I guess there is hope for us all.

Elana

Maybe I am just doing the Codie thing and second guessing myself... and thinking I am just so afraid to go on this path.

I used to be too angry to go on it, now I admit I don't know how and if I did go on it I am afraid to allow myself to get too close.

Well, I will give it all time because that is the one thing I have.

greeteachday

I like this....I also hope that in time your "bridge closed" will change to bridge opens on no particular schedule

I think life and love finds us. I came to a realization at some point in recent years that I would much rather believe the best in people and perhaps have some disappointments but truly live, then avoid hurt by avoiding becoming close and therefore spend time being lonely rather than alone and not experience life. I've also discovered the more I learn to like myself, the better my ability to give and receive love.

I like the saying "Life is not about the number of breaths we take, rather the moments that take our breath away."

And I agree...The guy who lost you is the looser; you did not loose anything!


Wiushing you many moments that take your breath away.

GiveLove

Let life happen, Elana.

Know that nothing has to be decided right now.

Remember too that there is a world of difference between these two statements:

"Right now, I can't imagine ever being able to trust someone like that again."
and
"I will absolutely never allow myself to trust someone like that again."

One expresses a feeling that is natural at your stage of healing. You've had a completely ugly thing happen to you and it cut you inside.

The other lays down dogma for your mind, body, and spirit, and doesn't ever allow for the possibility, lest you be angry at yourself for being "vulnerable"

Let life happen. Engage with people, as you have been. Learn again to love deeply WITHOUT a romantic relationship attached to it. Become your own champion, and learn to trust yourself again, as though you are your own personal superhero.

Hugs to you. THIS HURT WILL NOT HAPPEN TO YOU AGAIN, BECAUSE YOU ARE A DIFFERENT, AND WISER, PERSON THAN YOU WERE EVEN SIX MONTHS AGO. Trust, and flow.

Love,
GiveLove

teke

sorry you are feeling this way for now, i understand the way you feel, i've felt that way myself, but the more i work on me and what i need to do to be happy without a man, the less scarier than it is

i honestly believe that in time, you will heal as long as you continue doing what you know to do to take care of you. i believe that sometimes relationships just happen, with out your help, i believe that one day you may just met that special someone who will give you reasons to change your mind, if thats what you want to do.

me personally, i think that all things are possible, try not to limit what your hp can do in your life or for your life. still praying for ya

Elana

I appreciate all the comments here. They are most helpful. Certainly I do not need a man to define my life and I never will again, which is healthy. I will define my own life.

I also know I need more time and that I am very much afraid of being burned again. I KNOW the last guy lost something good. Maybe someday he will realize that, not that it matters to me anymore. He cannot come back.

BTW the "Bridge Closed" meant that X could not come back, could not touch me anymore either emotionally or physically.. tho I still have sad moments so the bridge seems to not be quite as closed as I would like.

GiveLove

I think the bridge has been reduced to a dangling bamboo suspension footbridge high over a canyon....with a Rottweiler sitting in the middle of it waiting for him. After all, YOU still might want to be able to walk out there and enjoy the view, learn what there is to learn, see how much you've grown since you fell for his cr*p.

It's not closed. But heaven help him if HE wants to try to cross it again

Happy day, Elana. You're going to have a good life.

GiveLove,
Skipping across your bridge and petting the nice doggie

Elana

Actually.. I believe when I get back from vacation it will be a German Shepherd....