Am I going to far?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: williston,fl
Posts: 35
Am I going to far?
Ok...So my A/DH and I are getting a divorce. We have a 3 year old and a 5 year old. He has moved out and is living with his enabling mother. I am trying to put my life together and keep things as normal as possible for our children.
The problem is that I am not hiding from the addiction. I tell anybody who asks that he is a drug and alcohol abuser. I recently just got our cell phone records and saw how many times he called the "drug dealer". So I called the dealer and told him that I was onto him and I know what he does and that he had better stay away from my family. My husband just called me and told me to back off and stop talking about him and and his drugging friends. He said that he was worried about me because I am "pissing" a lot of people off.
I guess maybe I have gone too far, but I am hurt. I am trying to let people know that they had better not mess with me and my children. I am also scared and I feel that I have made a big mistake by doing this.
Why won't he (husband) stand up to these people and tell them that he has caused this? I am just doing what any protective mother would do...right?
The problem is that I am not hiding from the addiction. I tell anybody who asks that he is a drug and alcohol abuser. I recently just got our cell phone records and saw how many times he called the "drug dealer". So I called the dealer and told him that I was onto him and I know what he does and that he had better stay away from my family. My husband just called me and told me to back off and stop talking about him and and his drugging friends. He said that he was worried about me because I am "pissing" a lot of people off.
I guess maybe I have gone too far, but I am hurt. I am trying to let people know that they had better not mess with me and my children. I am also scared and I feel that I have made a big mistake by doing this.
Why won't he (husband) stand up to these people and tell them that he has caused this? I am just doing what any protective mother would do...right?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: charlotte,NC
Posts: 111
I was the same way when I first found out my husband was using. I told everybody who would listen. I told all his druggie friends to leave us alone and stay away from my family. It didn't do me any good...they came around when they wanted to, and it just got me all worked up for nothing.
I bet a lot of what you're doing is out of anger, too. I felt like I needed to tell everyone things about my husband for a lot of reasons...I felt like he deserved to be ashamed of the shameful ways he'd treated me. I wanted people to understand why I was treating him differently. I also wanted to feel like I was accountable to other people...like when I said that he had to leave if he didn't start working, I told everyone we saw. I wanted them to know that I'd said it so that I'd be compelled to stick to my word.
I eventually realized that these things weren't really helping me...but that took some time. I don't think you're doing anything wrong...you're right. You've been hurt.
If you have done something to put yourself in danger, though, then that's another matter. Maybe you could involve authorities is there is real danger? It's hard to say when you're dealing with addicts...I've found that they're very protective over their drug dealers, so your husband might be lying to frighten you into stopping doing what you're doing.
I hope it all works out, and I hope you're able to take care of yourself first. If you haven't been to any Nar-ANon or Al-anon meetings, and if there are some in your area and you're able to go, please consider going. I've found a lot of healing for myself there.
Good luck to yoU!
I bet a lot of what you're doing is out of anger, too. I felt like I needed to tell everyone things about my husband for a lot of reasons...I felt like he deserved to be ashamed of the shameful ways he'd treated me. I wanted people to understand why I was treating him differently. I also wanted to feel like I was accountable to other people...like when I said that he had to leave if he didn't start working, I told everyone we saw. I wanted them to know that I'd said it so that I'd be compelled to stick to my word.
I eventually realized that these things weren't really helping me...but that took some time. I don't think you're doing anything wrong...you're right. You've been hurt.
If you have done something to put yourself in danger, though, then that's another matter. Maybe you could involve authorities is there is real danger? It's hard to say when you're dealing with addicts...I've found that they're very protective over their drug dealers, so your husband might be lying to frighten you into stopping doing what you're doing.
I hope it all works out, and I hope you're able to take care of yourself first. If you haven't been to any Nar-ANon or Al-anon meetings, and if there are some in your area and you're able to go, please consider going. I've found a lot of healing for myself there.
Good luck to yoU!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: ohio
Posts: 367
I understand what you are feeling. I know all about the hurt. You want it to stop, but these actions will not stop it. I did the same with my addicted daughter. I would go to her house, yell and scream until the users left. The thing I did not "get" was, she wanted to be with these people. She wanted to use. You can yell and tell and threaten all you want. It won't do any good. And it definately won't be good if you're messing with some uncaring, not so nice people. You can't change your husbands behavior. You can't keep him from those people and you can't keep the people from him. You and your children come first. Please take care of you and the kids. Your husband is on his own. His choices, his mistakes.
Best of luck to you. It's alot of work being the mom and the dad. I've done it for 27 years!
Best of luck to you. It's alot of work being the mom and the dad. I've done it for 27 years!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I too understand the anger and how it makes you want to let everyone know what is going on. I think many of us have to work through the anger to find more peace. I'm just very concerned about the consequences. You want to protect yourself and yoru kids, but unfortunately when you are delaing with addiction, you aren't dealing with logic at all. The person you loved before addiction would not do these hurtful things, but when the drugs are in control it is another story. And dealers and others may be even more unpredictable. I would suggest that you try to refrain from direct confrontation with those in active addiction. They won't listen to reason and I am afraid you or your kids may be placed in danger. Hugs and prayers....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Well I can honestly say that I have done the samethings and more. Out of hurt and anger I guess. I too went after some of the dealers, really not a good idea. Nothing happened to me but it could have, some of these people do not think twice of causing harm, it is just part of their life style and not a place for us to mix.
There were a couple of dealers that stopped my husband from coming around, because he had a crazy wife and who knew what she would do or call...my husband was raged with me, but it still didn't stop him from finding another dealer, they are like weeds one pops up and 10 more grow off it...
Really try and stay away from it for your own safety and mind.
Rose
There were a couple of dealers that stopped my husband from coming around, because he had a crazy wife and who knew what she would do or call...my husband was raged with me, but it still didn't stop him from finding another dealer, they are like weeds one pops up and 10 more grow off it...
Really try and stay away from it for your own safety and mind.
Rose
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 168
Jenn-
I understand your frustration and anger. But I share the same experiences with the other posters. When I first found out about my AH's addiction I hunted his drug dealer down with my AH's mother. We even called the police on them... and that dealer was afraid of me beacuse I almost drove through his picture window one time.... yeah I know, crazy... but that is beside the point... I could have really hurt myself or gotten someone else hurt by doing that...
But needless to say, my AH just found another drug dealer... and my AH's Mom is now calling the police on the most recent drug dealer... and I have heard that he is one nasty guy... I have stopped trying to hunt dealers down because I have learned that it doesn't help.. if your AH wants drugs he can find drugs anywhere and so can everyone else in America- which is sad...
I know you are hurting, but you have already done the best thing for your children by having your husband stay someplace else while he is in active addiction. I pray that your AH realizes he needs help and he can come back home to your family(when the time is right).
Prayers and hugs!
I understand your frustration and anger. But I share the same experiences with the other posters. When I first found out about my AH's addiction I hunted his drug dealer down with my AH's mother. We even called the police on them... and that dealer was afraid of me beacuse I almost drove through his picture window one time.... yeah I know, crazy... but that is beside the point... I could have really hurt myself or gotten someone else hurt by doing that...
But needless to say, my AH just found another drug dealer... and my AH's Mom is now calling the police on the most recent drug dealer... and I have heard that he is one nasty guy... I have stopped trying to hunt dealers down because I have learned that it doesn't help.. if your AH wants drugs he can find drugs anywhere and so can everyone else in America- which is sad...
I know you are hurting, but you have already done the best thing for your children by having your husband stay someplace else while he is in active addiction. I pray that your AH realizes he needs help and he can come back home to your family(when the time is right).
Prayers and hugs!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
talking about him, calling the drug dealers will not make him stop using. all u can do is take care of yourself & your kids. be careful.do not hesitate to call the law at any sign of danger.welcome to S.R... stay awhile.take care of yourself & keep coming back.prayers,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Jenn,
imho I would focus 100% on you and on reconstructing a good life for yourself and your kids.
I would NOT go out of my way to announce to the world that your husband is an addict. If someone asks why you're divorcing, that's a different story entirely: my husband is an alcoholic and an addict, and I wanted better for my children. End of story.
But calling his dealer....what is the point of that? So your husband can rescue you? So his dealer won't "mess with you"???? Why would his dealer even CARE about you? You aren't paying him. You don't even exist, not until you get in his way. These are unstable, cruel, uncivilized people, Jenn....who often know more ways to hurt you and your kids than you can count on all your fingers and toes, and you cannot be safe 100% of the time. Don't arouse their anger for no reason. It doesn't benefit anyone, and puts you & your kids in danger...for NOTHING.
And your knight-in-shining-armor husband is not going to be there to protect you. He's too busy protecting his first love: his drugs
Get on with your life, and let your husband get on with ruining his. Stay safe, and call the cops at the first sign of danger.
GiveLove
imho I would focus 100% on you and on reconstructing a good life for yourself and your kids.
I would NOT go out of my way to announce to the world that your husband is an addict. If someone asks why you're divorcing, that's a different story entirely: my husband is an alcoholic and an addict, and I wanted better for my children. End of story.
But calling his dealer....what is the point of that? So your husband can rescue you? So his dealer won't "mess with you"???? Why would his dealer even CARE about you? You aren't paying him. You don't even exist, not until you get in his way. These are unstable, cruel, uncivilized people, Jenn....who often know more ways to hurt you and your kids than you can count on all your fingers and toes, and you cannot be safe 100% of the time. Don't arouse their anger for no reason. It doesn't benefit anyone, and puts you & your kids in danger...for NOTHING.
And your knight-in-shining-armor husband is not going to be there to protect you. He's too busy protecting his first love: his drugs
Get on with your life, and let your husband get on with ruining his. Stay safe, and call the cops at the first sign of danger.
GiveLove
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
Have to agree. I went so far as to smash windows out of trucks with my lug wrench, chase crackhoes with my lug wrench, bust the front window of a crack house & scream out in the middle of the street for my ex to come out. When he came out...he told me that not only would I get hurt, but he could get hurt as well. I didn't care!!! I wanted him to stop. I wanted the dealers dead. And I wanted it to all go away.
The only useful thing that I might have done, was the state cops wanted the list of phone numbers that my ex was calling. That I did.
I thought I could single-handedly rid the world of addicts & my ex would get clean & sober. But as you can clearly see, there are still dealers & addicts in all 50 states & Canada.
The only thing that IS different is I threw my ex out & moved 2,000 miles back to AZ. And now I no longer deal with the pain, misery & danger of being with an addict.
Lynne
The only useful thing that I might have done, was the state cops wanted the list of phone numbers that my ex was calling. That I did.
I thought I could single-handedly rid the world of addicts & my ex would get clean & sober. But as you can clearly see, there are still dealers & addicts in all 50 states & Canada.
The only thing that IS different is I threw my ex out & moved 2,000 miles back to AZ. And now I no longer deal with the pain, misery & danger of being with an addict.
Lynne
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think that now that you've done what you needed to do to make you feel better, i thind that it maybe time for you to allow all the drama with the dealers to die down, i agree with your husband, it can get kind of dangerous,
i think its your husbands choice to use drugs and not the dealers that he chooses to buy from. sorry don't mean no harm, but if the ones you know stop selling it to him, he'll find someone else who will.
i think that maybe it really is time for you to take the focus off what he's doing and focus completely on you and decide what you are gonna do now that you know. have you gone to any alanon or naranon meetings yet? maybe you can come up with a plan of action that will put you in a better position to take care of you and the kids, with him or without him. keeping all of you in my prayers
i think its your husbands choice to use drugs and not the dealers that he chooses to buy from. sorry don't mean no harm, but if the ones you know stop selling it to him, he'll find someone else who will.
i think that maybe it really is time for you to take the focus off what he's doing and focus completely on you and decide what you are gonna do now that you know. have you gone to any alanon or naranon meetings yet? maybe you can come up with a plan of action that will put you in a better position to take care of you and the kids, with him or without him. keeping all of you in my prayers
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