Feeling Badly
 

My daughter has been living with a man who has used drugs off & on most of his life. He is 37 & for the 1st time in his life he had a "legit" job. He is making good money, but there are red flags everywhere that he is still using. But I have no proof. When he got his income tax refund, he went out & bought my daughter an engagement ring. I asked her why she would marry this man who has done nothing but drag her & my granddaughter into the gutter & thinks about nobody but himself. Her response...."well, we've lived together 5 years...why not". Not a reason to get married. I hear no talk of her being in love, she says she is NOT happy for a variety of reasons & I think it is a mistake.

Several years ago they were living in my front room of my condo & the boyfriend told me that his "dream" would be to be on disability & be paid for sitting on his butt. Today, my daughter called me & told me that her boyfriend is "allergic" to his job & is also diabetic. This based on one blood test at an emergency room. He has no insurance with this job yet, & she doesn't know what they should do. She said he is going to quit the job & go on welfare to get medical.

Am I being cold hearted or is it natural that I want her to just dump this guy? He has borrowed over 3,000 dollars from my parents, which is virtually all they had. I have given them money almost every week, because "his" pay is gone.

I feel badly that I can't stand this man, but he has given me no reason to ever trust him.

Lynne

He doesn't sound like every mother's dream for her daughter to me either.

The thing is that although you and I can clearly see the red flags and that this doesn't have a lot of potential for a healthy relationship...in the end it is your daughter's mistake to make and lesson to learn from.

With or without this man, she's still your daughter and she knows how you feel, so maybe just let go of the anxiety and keep your conversations with her about anything else.

Hugs

Boy, do I know how you feel, it took me a LONG time to realize that I can't control or dictate what my children decide to do. I can tell them how I feel and what I think, but in the end it's their decision how they choose to live their life.

You do realize that by giving them money to live on when they run out is giving them no reason to change their behavior? It took me a long time to get that through my head, but the facts are...your D will not break away from this guy until SHE decides that she will...and as long as you help them along, she'll tell herself every excuse in the world to convince herself why it's the thing to do..to stay...

If nothing changes, nothing changes....

btw..it's VERY natural for you to want your daughter to dump this guy...it's a parents natural response to want to protect their children from hurt....stay close with your girl, she'll need you a lot in the future...