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First love never dies?

Old 04-24-2007, 06:17 PM
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First love never dies?

It's a little off the subject but I wonder if there's any truth to this? Looking at my own situation, I've only been in two relationships. My first relationship lasted 5 yrs off and on and I THOUGHT I was in love until I met my exAGF. I learned the difference between love and infatuation after my relationship with her. I was "in" love with her but now I simply "have" love for her, naturally, considering all she put me through. I suppose my love for her will never die. I'll always have a concern for her well-being and have a hope that she'll gets\ her life together.

Where am I getting at with this? Well, in my first relationship, the guy I was dating claimed to have been in love with me since jr. high. I didn't believe him until I had the opportunity to look back on our relationship and realize how big a b---- I was to him just because the love he had for me gave him the patience for it. He put up with a lot (not to the extreme I did with my exAGF) but I caused him pain just because I was confused. NOW, I believe he WAS in love with me.

Anyway, I recently emailed him to see how he'd been doing because we hadn't spoken in a while (we had a falling out) and he told me he was doing fine that he was seeing someone who "appreciated" him and he was happy. I admit I took him for granted because he treated me like a princess. For someone so young (22), he had old fashion values on how to treat a lady. My mom was crazy about him for me because he was a "good kid" and she trusted him and still does. So I told her he'd met someone new and she said to me "So what? He still loves you and probably still prays for the day that you'll come back to him."

I told her I felt he'd moved on and couldn't possibly still be "in love with me". I mean I really treated him poorly. She said "Honey, trust me that he'd take you back if he thought you meant to stay with him if it was truly in your heart to do so. But he can't stay single forever and he can't wait for you forever either. What choice did he have but to move on?"

I guess I know that the logical choice for me would be to marry him. I mean look at what all he has going for him making $70,000/yr at the age of 23 with just a B.A in electrical engineering (still planning to pursue he's M.A), attractive, ambitious, owns his own car and own place living in Pasadena, California. He did treat me well (and still does) to the extent that he doesn't want to get too close. It'd be a helluva an improvement from the situation I left! And yet despite how perfect all this is, I'm hesitant. Am I crazy?!

Do these thoughts stem from my wanting to have stability or do they stem from me knowing he's seeing someone else or do I truly have feelings for him? Hell, do I even have a chance! If I'm not still in love with my ex whom I WAS in love with before, why should I think he's still in love with me? I gotta get my head together!

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Old 04-24-2007, 07:05 PM
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I guess I know that the logical choice for me would be to marry him. I mean look at what all he has going for him making $70,000/yr at the age of 23 with just a B.A in electrical engineering (still planning to pursue he's M.A), attractive, ambitious, owns his own car and own place living in Pasadena, California. He did treat me well (and still does) to the extent that he doesn't want to get too close. It'd be a helluva an improvement from the situation I left! And yet despite how perfect all this is, I'm hesitant. Am I crazy?!
No, you're not crazy but I don't think you're thinking too straight either.

Money, career and car does not a person make. You haven't seen him for a long time, he is happy with somebody else and you think because your mother says something that this man should marry you?

Sweetie, life isn't like that. Perhaps we each hold a special place in our hearts for our first love, I know I do, but that doesn't mean anything more than that our first love was important and worth cherishing as a treasured memory...and nothing more.

My thoughts are that the more time you spend working on yourself and your own values and self-esteem and confidence, the better prepared you will be to recognize a healthy relationship and will find one.

Hugs
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Old 04-24-2007, 07:25 PM
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newblue,

I'm sorry...I kinda had the same reaction Ann did

I do believe this is some kind of road map for you, though. These feelings are big clues that need to have attention paid to them....because they're trying to tell you what you feel you need more of in life. What is it specifically about this potential relationship that draws you? What elements of it are the most attractive to you? It doesn't seem to be himself...it seems to be his Situation that is gnawing at you. The money, car, stability, your mom's encouragement (how the heck does SHE know how he feels?????? it sounds like she is still harboring hopes) or the fact that he's moved on, or the loss of something you feel you had "then" that you don't have now....something.

The clues can lead you to the kinds of relationships that you really need. You just have to detach them from him and hold them in your own hand.

As for first love never dying, imho that's a bunch of horse hockey. I was out-of-my mind in love several times, each time convinced that it was absolutely the only relationship for me and that it was a soul-connection that would last forever.

The first love has died, and is cremated and buried in an unmarked grave, good riddance. Same with the second. The third one actually has a headstone.....the fourth the same..... If my first love came back, I'd hit him in the head with a shovel. Okay, okay, a bat.

Sorry to sound so flippant but...that's just not something I have ever believed in or experienced

For YOU, however, I wish the best of everything.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 04-24-2007, 07:27 PM
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I have to agree with Ann. I think you are looking at the material instead of the all the things that go into a relationship. Right now you are somewhat confused & hurt by your ex. And it is natural to want "stability" & "security"...but that doesn't always make for a happy marriage.

I know that when I married the 1st time, I settled for someone because I thought it was "time" to get married. Not because I was in love or even that we had anything in common or I wanted to spend my life with him. It was more about being married before I hit 30 & besides I thought I could "fix" him.

Listen to Ann, she is a very wise lady.

Lynne
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Old 04-24-2007, 07:30 PM
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Okay, let me rephrase this.

That's my personal situation. I see the logic in being with him because of the "stability" but I KNOW I'm not in love with him nor do I have the desire in my heart to be with him. I have no intentions of interfering with his current relationship but these are the random thoughts I sometimes have in my head. Naturally, there is a whimsicalness that I miss sometimes which is where the questions stem from but I know he's not the one for me.

I just decided to share them. The question in its entirety doesn't really have to do with me but is rather a general question "Does your first love ever die?"

But thank you all for addressing my situation, I really appreciate it though I think I confused you guys. . .LOL which is my fault. Sorry

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Old 04-24-2007, 07:33 PM
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Ahh, gotcha.

Well, I'm sure you'll get lots of different answers.

Mine would be, for what it's worth: H*ll yes it does

XOX
GL
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Old 04-24-2007, 07:47 PM
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If one's lost first love doesn't die, one should rekindle it. That will be sure to kill it forever lol
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Old 04-24-2007, 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
... If my first love came back, I'd hit him in the head with a shovel. Okay, okay, a bat.
Okay then if it's just the question I can let go and confess that what GiveLove said just cracked me up

My personal answer stays the same. If I had 10 daughters I'd want them each to have a first love as sweet as mine was. He holds a special place in my heart but if he showed up in my life....I'd borrow GiveLove's shovel.
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Old 04-24-2007, 09:09 PM
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Yea, I probably wouldn't object to having an shovel myself for knocking some sense into my ex!
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Old 04-24-2007, 09:28 PM
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No...as much as I wanna get my ex-wife out of my mind and soul.
it's still there. I can recall the moment she crossed my path as if it's
yesterday. I married her for a reason. I thought I spent the rest of
my life with her....yeah , now i just get to spend the rest of my life
with her in my mind.lol Life sucks....oh well.

Somebody smack me.....back to the now, please.

mmm..the image I have of her is a 20 year old young woman.
I probably run for the hills if she shows up in person
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Old 04-25-2007, 07:25 AM
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blue,
Maybe you're looking at him as a lost opportunity, something you can't have now, but maybe, want....(did that make any sense at all?)
Maybe you just have the "what if's?"
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Old 04-25-2007, 07:42 AM
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Oh... man. I saw my first love (our relationship was over 30 years ago) a few years ago while Mr. Big and I were separated. My hands got all sweaty, my heart started racing. He is exactly as gorgeous as he always was. Tall, suave, charming...michevious. And still an alcoholic, I think... though I couldn't tell if he was still actively drinking.

When he smiled at me, I tossed him a wink... and we exchanged some brief chatter.

I was available, technically, as I was divorced from Mr. Big and we hadn't resumed dating, yet. But I could FEEL that this man is dangerous for me and struggled to keep my emotions in check - partly because I recognized my own vulnerability being newly divorced and all.

I am so glad I walked away that day. Mr. Big and I reconciled and have been married for decades, now. I know what deep, long-lasting love is, and I wouldn't mess that up for ANYthing.

... I go out of my way now to avoid my first love's neck of the woods. I don't need the complication in my life, and NOTHING GOOD would ever come of us being together.

Seeing him again helped me understand that how I remembered our relationship was real. But oh man... that smile... that charm.... maybe in another life.

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Old 04-25-2007, 02:39 PM
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When I was divorced a couple years ago the fantasy went through my head of meeting my first love and us getting back together. Then I saw a picture of him on his company's web site and ...YIKES!!!! NO WAY. But, aside from that, I think it is just a natural reaction, we are lonely when we have first broken off with some one and we want a quick, easy fix to that loneliness, we are sure nothing will ever come around again so it makes sense to look backwards for something that already was there, and to rekindle it.
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Old 04-25-2007, 02:52 PM
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i actually had dinner a few weeks ago with a group of old high school/college buddies and my first love was there. i hadn't seen him years, maybe 25 years or so. i always kind of knew of him, because of our mutual friends. we just never crossed paths.

it was weird. not because of anything he did or i did or anyone else did - i just felt uncomfortable. i kept hanging on to my husband for dear life...and i'm usually not a clingy gal.

i had a girlfriend tell me something one time a long time ago - old lovers are all the same, OLD.

blessings, k
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Old 04-25-2007, 03:00 PM
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My first "Love" was a handsome junior in highschool that I would have done anything for. And he would have done anything for...well...a friend of mine. Damn that one hurt.
Still, I chalk it up as the first time I had that wobbly knee feeling and I learned just what hormones would do.
To this day I think of him occassionaly, or, not really him, but the "feeling"

I think at times we look back because we miss the feelings much more than the person.

My first love given back was my first husband. Given he's the father of my kids I still love him, but if I EVER come on here and say something was re-kindled, hit ME with the shovel...please.
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Old 04-25-2007, 03:44 PM
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cece,

I have a special nerf shovel for hitting codie friends with

XOX

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Old 04-25-2007, 07:00 PM
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sorry that i'm so late on this, but i wanted to show my support. i kind of agree with ann, i think that first love never dies but sometimes turn into a different kind of love that will never die.

it took me and my first husband, who was my first love 3 yrs to be really cordial after out divorce, but over the yrs he became one of mine and my now husbands best friend. i think we both had a new everlasting love that did last until his death. we even went out a couple time when i wanted to go out and didn't have a date, and we had a platonic ball. i loved him and would have done anything within reason, and neither one of us want to get back together in an "us kind of relationship.

i think that as you continue to work on you, and allow yourself some time, you'll find that special relationship and be glad that you took the time to focus more on you for now. in time, that special somebody will probably show up when you are least expected. keeping you in my prayers
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Old 04-25-2007, 11:27 PM
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Originally Posted by newblue82
"Does your first love ever die?"
…I saw this thread earlier & hoped like mad that it wasn't tucked away in the "ladies only" forum.

I'm a hopeless romantic when it comes to the dreaded "first love" haunting. I met a sweetheart in high school summer session. We dated off & on for a couple of months--mostly off--and broke up. We got back together a few years later and actually planned on getting married. I was downright crazy for this young lady. Unfortunately, my alcohol problem resurfaced right at an untimely moment just a month after I had asked her Father for her hand in wedlock.

The downward spiral that soon followed still leaves me quite dizzy. And that was over 15 years ago. Through the Grace of the Greater Powers That Be, we recently reconnected after a brief email exchange. We did not reunite. The ONE Infinitesimally small thread of hope I carried with me all these years, was obliterated. All I ever wanted was to be with this Gawd-Loving princess for the rest of my life.

The fatal realization finally hit me. It was never meant to be. I think that crushed me more than anything. Do I still love her? I am almost embarrassed to admit it, but yes I do. And if I were on bended knee, my answer would be "yes. I do."

I still must remind myself to remain pragmatic and realistic about the turn of events. The single most important thing that resulted from our emails, was finally making amends to each other and laying a long-dead relationship to rest. The last time we spoke was 1 year ago, back in March.

*sigh*

We always hated saying goodbye so much...and to say goodbye for the last time...it tore my heart out. But since I had given her my heart completely (by virtue of Lancelot's Complex), the healing could finally take place, and my heart could be restored.

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Old 04-26-2007, 07:10 AM
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((((Midas))))
How eloquently put my friend...
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Old 04-26-2007, 11:43 AM
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I agree, CeCe. Thanks so much, Midas!
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