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is snooping okay when protecting yourself?

Old 04-24-2007, 04:45 PM
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is snooping okay when protecting yourself?

It is really hard for me to not snoop sometimes. When i did stop for a while, i felt ok, I wsnt worrying as much about what my ah was doing, but he was still doing what he had been doing, and fooling me.

Sometimes the only way I really know he is using is by snooping...and if it is one of my boundaries, that he shouldnt be using in the house, and there should not be any drugs in the house, then is it ok to snoop??

Also, about financial things...i would be kept in the dark if i didnt snoop. My ah has credit cards that he has taken out and has taken cash advances on these cards. The statements get sent to his office...so i never see them. But i did find statements in his briefcase once...so thats how i knew they existed. I think sometimes snooping is a way of protecting yourself, when it comes to financial issues.

Do you agree???

I understand that snooping hurts me and its a horrible way to live...dont get me wrong, i dont want to snoop...but sometimes, i feel that i need to know financially at least, where we stand and how much debt we are really in.,..
Also, if anyone knows the answer to this: if you wanted to get a credit check on someone else....is it legal, and will the person find out?
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Old 04-24-2007, 04:50 PM
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So snoop! It is hard for us alkies too but honestly you need to look after you.
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Old 04-24-2007, 04:55 PM
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You are allowed I think 1 free credit report per year now or something like that. If you know the ss# you can pull it and I don't think he'd be the wiser. However........I'd be more concerned with pulling your own rather than his. If he has obtained any unpaid debt that you are a part of, you will find out that way too. I don't think that snooping to protect yourself is a bad thing.......just don't let it drive you bananas.
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Old 04-24-2007, 05:09 PM
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Snooping always made me feel worse...it made me face what I already knew.
Then I had to enforce my bounderies, I had no choice, I was in the corner and I knew the truth.

I never had the money issues, as, we were not married and we had nothing in "our" names, knew better than that from the beginning. My father drummed that in my head as a child, and, even through my marriages, I had my own
money and one house as mine. Thank you Dad, you saved me in that respect, if it wasn't for him, I would have been screwed.

Snooping does become a habit, and one that can be difficult to break.

As for the credit report thing, you can get one on line, if you know his infro.
And, if there are credit lines in both SS#'s it will pop up on your credit report.
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Old 04-24-2007, 06:16 PM
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If you are snooping to protect yourself and also that you have boundaries that you WILL enforce if you find something bad out, then by all means snoop away. On the other hand if you are snooping without any recourse planned you are only torturing yourself. Also, if youare in a community property state, any property OR debt is equal property. In the case of a divorce if the debt might be able to be proven his liability due to his drug use. Make sure you keep all detox/rehab records in a safe place that you have access to.
BTW with today's technology snooping is oh-so easy.
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Old 04-24-2007, 07:20 PM
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You know, I had no idea my husband was taking out credit cards, and maxing them out, only to get into a divorce and find my name was on them.
Can you imagine my horror? I have learned to stay on top of my credit report! I also will never allow my name to be on someone elses credit card. Seems like it's a law that if your name is on it, and you yourself never used it, you're just as responsible. If you're worried, you might try getting your name off the cards before it goes to collections. Then it's too late.
Snoop into finances? I believe we have a right to know what financial situation our spouse is in because it affects the whole family.
I have to say that snooping there is ok.
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Old 04-25-2007, 05:55 AM
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I use to snoop all the time - for drugs, cell phone anything. Someone said to me if I find something what am I going to do with the information. I did stop snooping, it totally drained me at times.

We never had credit cards with each other on the account. I took all the money that was left out of the bank and put it in my name. I should have done it sooner.

It was like I had to snoop to find something - but then would find something and be so upset.
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Old 04-25-2007, 06:33 AM
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I was never one for snooping.. even when I was married.. but that was because I handled the finances (I handled everything.. silly thing that I was).

With XABF I also handled everything but the house was mine. I did not receive Dolly's sage advice when I was young but when I got divorced and I could not pry him from my beloved farm I learned. when I knew I would never again own that farm I also knew I would never again share ownership of anything so precious to me, my identitiy.. to my very core being.

NEVER again will I hold property jointly with anyone. Mine is mine. His, if there is ever a "his," is his.

I agree that if you set boundaries and they are broken and you know it thru snooping, you have painted yourself into a corner. Unless you are willing to enforce those boundaries, you have to be careful of setting them, snooping and finding out what you likely know anyway.

Take care of yourself financially. Substance abuse tends to escalate while finances can crash and burn in the process!
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Old 04-25-2007, 07:15 AM
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drained,
I was of the "snooping" kind once, but it was my sons, so that's probably a whole different thing.
When I found what I was looking for, I stopped because the more I knew, the more it hurt.

Now, my mindset is, What I don't know, can't hurt me.

Hugs
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Old 04-25-2007, 07:18 AM
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When it comes to finances in a joint capacity I don't think it is snooping at all. It is your right and responsibility to be informed about what you may be liable for, period.

However if he is opening up the credit card accounts in his name alone then leave it alone. It's not your problem and will only cause you more grief. Sometime I believe ignorance really is bliss. You can't make him stop getting the cards and maxing them out so as long as he is not putting you at financial risk...detach.
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Old 04-25-2007, 08:04 AM
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One thing I have just thought to add...

If you own the house JOINTLY an both your names are on the MORTGAGE and HIS INCOME makes the house possible to keep, you may need to know what he is doing with his credit. If he continues to get credit cards and max them out there will come a time when the straw will break the camel's back and something will go unpaid.

At that point you could be at risk of losing any equity you might have in anything you hold jointly with him. Liens and judgements on the house go behind the 1st lien holder (mortgage folks). BUT, if you get into a place where you have to sell the house, these other lien holders have to be satisfied from the equity portion (which is part yours if your name is on the deed and the mortgage).

IF he takes out a home equity loan (2nd mortgage) that has to be satisfied to clear title. Usually this is satisfied from the sale of the house after the 1st lien holder is satisfied.

Yes. YOU need to know what is happening with the household finances and all the finances that are involved in household maintenance, payments and expenses, if your name is on things.. and sometimes (due to marital status) things your name is not on can affect YOU.

When two people marry a lot of things you never knew of become "joint" ownership just out of the business end of marriage. This is the reason for pre nuptial agreements.. People and things can chnage.. and they do..
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Old 04-25-2007, 09:49 AM
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Snooping is what I do best. I am the "Master snooper" LOL. I still sneek a peek in places I know I shouldn't. The only thing I get from snooping, is a "knowing" of something that isn't right.
I think the ichy feeling of finding something may go away when his actions start to prove his sobriety and honesty.
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Old 04-25-2007, 09:53 AM
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when i snoop, i never feel better afterwards. blessings, k
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Old 04-25-2007, 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
It is really hard for me to not snoop sometimes. When i did stop for a while, i felt ok, I wsnt worrying as much about what my ah was doing, but he was still doing what he had been doing, and fooling me.

Sometimes the only way I really know he is using is by snooping...and if it is one of my boundaries, that he shouldnt be using in the house, and there should not be any drugs in the house, then is it ok to snoop??

Also, about financial things...i would be kept in the dark if i didnt snoop. My ah has credit cards that he has taken out and has taken cash advances on these cards. The statements get sent to his office...so i never see them. But i did find statements in his briefcase once...so thats how i knew they existed. I think sometimes snooping is a way of protecting yourself, when it comes to financial issues.

Do you agree???

I understand that snooping hurts me and its a horrible way to live...dont get me wrong, i dont want to snoop...but sometimes, i feel that i need to know financially at least, where we stand and how much debt we are really in.,..
Also, if anyone knows the answer to this: if you wanted to get a credit check on someone else....is it legal, and will the person find out?
When I was married I wish I HAD Snooped. I would have found out a lot of things that were potentially going to bite ME in the ass.

Yes, by ALL means Snoop. TRUST your Gut. I was even denying my own Instincts and listening to HIM.
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Old 04-25-2007, 10:40 AM
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just wanted to know...even if the credit cards are in HIS name, i could be liable if we get divorced. It would be my debt too, unless it could be proven as to what he is spending it on....correct? he hasnt been to any rehab or detox ...so how can it be proven????
The only thing i have is that he is on suboxone currently and sees an addiction specialist, an MD for that.
I have records of cash advances and an at-home drug test that was positive.

thanks for the help!
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Old 04-25-2007, 10:58 AM
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I do believe, in my case anyway, ALL debts were shared. The percentage for me was low since he tried to kill me and he was a cheating drunk. I got most of the assets too. I do believe the debt repayment came out to 20/80 in my favour.
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Old 04-25-2007, 11:44 AM
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I believe it depends on the state in which you live. For example, when my AH was at his worst I consulted a divorce attorney about our debt. I was told that for my state that I live in if you were not listed on the credit card as an authorized user you would not be liable for the accounts. Other states see all the assets and debts gained while married as joint responsbility.
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Old 04-25-2007, 12:16 PM
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At the time I consulted a divorce lawyer in NJ - I would not be responsible for his credit card debt. If he wanted to fight me on this the lawyer said they could pull old bills and see what was an expense that would have been for the house or our child.
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Old 04-25-2007, 07:14 PM
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in my opinion only, i agree with you that snooping hurts the snooper, it almost made me insane, trying to find out either what i already knew in my gut or what i didn't know but thought i needed to find out and sometimes never did, kept me in snoop mode.

i believe that if your gut tells you, then sometimes its the right thing to believe and even if its not, then i believe in getting through what i thought to be true. its a lot easier than snooping for what i don't want to know the truth about in the first place.

what helped me was to find a way to clear myself of anything that he could do financially that would put me in the line of fire. i pulled my own credit report and i disputed my name on any card that would have my name on it. i couldn't be concerned about whether or not he got mad, there can a time that i had to look out for me whether he liked it or not.

i totally seperated my finances from him, in every way possible, and i learned to save what i could and live off what i had just it case i had to go at it alone. its so hard not to snoop and i still find myself doing it or fighting to not do it, cause i know that it really do cause more harm to me than good.\

i try to put myself in a position where i'll be ok with time, telling me what and when i need to do what. i know this sounds confusing and i'm sorry, i'll try to do better the next time. keeping you in my prayers
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Old 04-27-2007, 04:23 AM
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This is a good post.
I think snooping can become addictive in and of itself. It's one of those things that I find once I start- I cannot stop. I usually don't until I find something questionable and then I am backing to feeling like crap again.

Even before I knew the issue was drugs I use to snoop because some things just seemed "off" at times. Even then if I found something - what did I do with the information besides freak out and induce drama. So I have since adopted the habit of - I will not looking for anything I do not want to find. Despite this- I have still looked through his backpack,cell phone etc. I am an expert detective when I want to be- but all the previous posts are dead on when they say - Look, but decided prior whether or not you find something- what you will do and be prepared to follow through with it.
I am still stuck on this part- snagged at the "following through."
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