Is It Wrong???
 

Well, as alot of you know yesterday was a bad day for me and my AH.
I didn't stay home last night. I did talk to him earlier today though. He asked me could we work on our problems, I told him the only way was for him to go to rehab. But that it had to be his choice. And that I was stepping back adn letting him maked them choices on his own.
He then asked me if the went to AA \ NA and just did it by hiself. Would I stay.
I told him NO.. That I could not put myself or my kids through seeing that again. Then to be let down when it got to hard for him or us.
(withdrawls are horriable) I did explain it wasnt what I wanted. But that its something I feel I have to do. I feel like I need to step back and let him sober up. I would help him only if he was helping himself. And then see what happens. I think I need the time to fix me as well..
Am I wrong??
HUGS TO ALL
"WAY"

Hi,
You have every right to set boundaries about what you will or will not allow in your life. That is not wrong.

I don't know your story, but I can guess that it's a lot like mine and the stories of so many others. It's hard to back away from someone you love when you fear that they are destroying themselves. But addicts will do what they want to do whether we are there to see it or not.

It is not your fault. You can't control it or fix it. You are wise to protect yourself and your children. With addicts, words don't mean much, only actions.

love and hugs!

I don't think you're wrong at all. IMO, that's the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.......and him. When you take a step back and allow him to do what he needs to do for himself you will be able to see his actions and not just hear the words he's saying. It all sounds great.........but seeing is truly believing IMO.

Sounds like you got it right. You are doing what is healthy for you and your kids, nomatter that is it difficult.

It IS difficult.

Lending support and prayers.

i agree with loves, i think that not only was it the healtiest thing to do but it was also a smart thing to do. you are taking care of you and the kids and allowing him to do the same and at the same time, shedding hope.

good for you, keep focused and stick to your boundaries. keeping you and him in my prayers

Boundaries are what keep us sane and safe. You did what was right for you and your kids...inturn you did what was right for him. It goes back to the old saying..."If nothing changes then nothing changes". But even when things change sometimes our beloved addict does not change with it. But atleast you would have made positive changes for yourself. It sucks...addiction sucks. I hated when I had to divorce my AH...and I stress the words "had to" because it was not what I wanted either. But in the end...life must go on and what kind of life is it when you are stressed out and angry and sad and heartbroken all of the time. I'm not saying that you are or should follow the same path I did...getting a divorce is something I felt I had to do. Just keep making the choices that are best for you and your kids..you can't go wrong doing that.

You are so not wrong. You are trying to have him get help and for you to find yourself. That is the best thing to do. You need him to find himself also you need him to have his space and he needs to relize what he is doing. He will look around and see knowone there and he should fight this addiction. Your doing the right thing. Good job and you and your family on in my prayers.

You are NOT wrong. You did what was right for you like everyone else said. As this disease progresses it only gets worse. And sometimes things happen that neither you nor your addict want to happen, but then it's too late. I know that the man I fell in love with who was clean & sober would NEVER have done the things he did once he relapsed. And things got worse & worse until I made the change. And I heard the same words you did. I want to do it on my own. Let's work on "our" problems. I once looked at my ex & said....."OUR" problem is your drinking & drugging....if you were clean & sober again, our problems would be easier to deal with.

And, NO, it is NOT easy. You will have a lot of emotions going on.

So, if you need to share, vent, whatever, we are here.

Lynne

What I am learning is that the boundaries have to be around ME, not them...(sometimes, a moving, gray line).

In this case, I might say - I need you to be sober. I am willing to be apart from you until I see you are sober for one year. After that, we can consider reconcilliation.

In this way, you are not telling him HOW to get sober, only that YOU need sober people in your life. No one knows what works for different people... rehab is an option, but not the only one that works.

I wish you the best.

You did the right thing. He will have to sort it out on his own. Hurrah for your strength and courage!

Thank you everyone this has been some hard days for me. And some more hard days to come I am sure. But, I am standing my ground. Last night me and the girls was at the house and one of my daughters looked up and seen a picture of me with a knife through it stabbed in the wall. Scary. I am just praying I get in a place soon. I hate to be gone from home everyday. But I hate to stay there to. As usual I am just confused...
Hugs to all .
way

i remember when i left my ex. he came pleading for a list of things he could do to get me to come back. i told him, "you get sober for a year or so, and then - i might give you a list." it was the last time he ever asked to return. blessings, k

Well last night my AH told me he wanted to go to rehab. And he asked if Iwould carry him. I told him I would, that I would help him only if he was serious and wanted to help himself.. And 3 days wasnt going to cut it. I hope and pray he goes. I dont if it will be the same ever. Cause so much has happened. But ,I feel I owe it to our kids to help him. Is that crazy or what ??
HE called a place he went before they told him to come in when he is ready.

confused,
I agree with BigSis here. You can't direct him, to what will make him be sober.
Maybe meetings could make him stay sober? No one knows. I know some people actually DO get sober and remain that way without 12 stepping. Personally, I think it's harder for them without a group to support them, but that's MY problem. I say whatever works.

Hope he follows through, and no, I don't think you're crazy, sometimes you have to follow your heart...your head will kick in later...:)

Hugs to you,