does trust come back?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: matawan, nj
Posts: 8
does trust come back?
i posted yesterday, that i had found my bf, who had supposedly been sober for 7 years (he was both alcoholic and drug dependent), with pot hidden in his bedroom.
we talked and talked yesterday, and he told me details--how much, how often, who sold it to him, how long (2 years going on) we've been together three.
I left things last night with him that i wanted him to call his sponser, which he did, and he told me that he's just going to stop, and go to meetings etc.
but i woke up today, and all i can think is how will I ever learn to trust him again? will I always wonder every day if he is hiding something?
does anyone here have a loved on in their life who is not an active addict, and they have a good relationship? is it possible? this is the man i though i would marry up till yesterday morning, but i don't see how i can go through life always wondering. I'm an independent person...we haven't had any problems, he doesn't boss me around, abuse me, or spend my money, or steal...he makes more money then i do (i'm a teacher and he's a business person)...he's not abusive to me or mean...he's a good man. but with his lie of omission for two years, i dont' know how i will be able to trust him (he kept saying, but i didn't cheat on you, but i say its still bad).
does that trust ever come back?
we talked and talked yesterday, and he told me details--how much, how often, who sold it to him, how long (2 years going on) we've been together three.
I left things last night with him that i wanted him to call his sponser, which he did, and he told me that he's just going to stop, and go to meetings etc.
but i woke up today, and all i can think is how will I ever learn to trust him again? will I always wonder every day if he is hiding something?
does anyone here have a loved on in their life who is not an active addict, and they have a good relationship? is it possible? this is the man i though i would marry up till yesterday morning, but i don't see how i can go through life always wondering. I'm an independent person...we haven't had any problems, he doesn't boss me around, abuse me, or spend my money, or steal...he makes more money then i do (i'm a teacher and he's a business person)...he's not abusive to me or mean...he's a good man. but with his lie of omission for two years, i dont' know how i will be able to trust him (he kept saying, but i didn't cheat on you, but i say its still bad).
does that trust ever come back?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
My experience is yes... trust can come back if you both really wanted it too...
But it is not in the words, it is in the action over a long period of time... Perhaps now would be a good time to take the focus off him and put it back on yourself.... this kind of thing can eat you from the inside out if you let it. Have you tried working a program as well???
Im sorry this is happening ... but your not alone in it.
But it is not in the words, it is in the action over a long period of time... Perhaps now would be a good time to take the focus off him and put it back on yourself.... this kind of thing can eat you from the inside out if you let it. Have you tried working a program as well???
Im sorry this is happening ... but your not alone in it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
My ex said the same thing..."At least I never cheated on you". But what they don't understand is that if they are using "drugs", they are cheating on us. Their focus is on "pot" instead of the relationship. My ex & I went through some really bad times. And I never thought I would be able to trust again. But the last time he came home, he really seemed to be working a program, doing all the things that I felt I needed to trust again...we went to couples counseling. And I really began to trust him. In fact, I was sure he'd make it this time. More sure than I had been in 3 years. So, yes, you can trust again depending on how they react & behave in that regard. (Our counselor & his rehab counselors asked what I needed to trust again. We set down guidelines. And boundaries.)
What makes it even harder, though, is that he did again relapse & that was the end for me....it hurt even worse knowing he was really trying again & blew it for a 10 minute high.
All I can say, is that it is your decision. Set up boundaries. Talk about what you need to feel as if you can trust him & go from there. However, make sure you are ready to go through with whatever boundaries you set, should he set over the line.
And, as stupid as it may sound, based on the years I've known my ex...if he came to me next year, said he'd been clean & sober 12 months, was working a program & I could have proof & wanted to start over...I "might" be willing to try again. Of course, I don't know how I'll feel in a year.
Lynne
What makes it even harder, though, is that he did again relapse & that was the end for me....it hurt even worse knowing he was really trying again & blew it for a 10 minute high.
All I can say, is that it is your decision. Set up boundaries. Talk about what you need to feel as if you can trust him & go from there. However, make sure you are ready to go through with whatever boundaries you set, should he set over the line.
And, as stupid as it may sound, based on the years I've known my ex...if he came to me next year, said he'd been clean & sober 12 months, was working a program & I could have proof & wanted to start over...I "might" be willing to try again. Of course, I don't know how I'll feel in a year.
Lynne
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: charlotte,NC
Posts: 111
I posted last week about a woman's blog I'd read describing the new kind of trust she'd developed with her addict husband. She says that she can't trust that he'll never hurt her or that he won't do things that she doesn't like, but that she trusts that he's trying to be a better man and a better husband, and she trusts that he will tell her when he makes mistakes, relapses, or backslides.
I think keeping open lines of communication is one way to build up this new kind of trust. We all have to decide, however, if it's what we want...some people can live with this kind of modified, compromise trust...others can't. I'm not sure which camp I'm in--the jury's still out!
I think keeping open lines of communication is one way to build up this new kind of trust. We all have to decide, however, if it's what we want...some people can live with this kind of modified, compromise trust...others can't. I'm not sure which camp I'm in--the jury's still out!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Trust in not an issue to me anymore with my gf.
It dosen't matter oneway or the other if I trust my GF.
She can do anything she choose to do. She is her own
person.
Trust comes back, but it's not the same kind of trust that
I'm looking for something she might be doing to my aprroval or
standard. There's nothing to earn, nothing to measure her by.
I have no expectations of her. There's no conditions.
I either love her or I don't
I do not speak lightly..There's been plenty of wrackage.
I trust in a power greater than me.
I hope my gf is working her program
I hope she has a hp that she can trust in.
I hope her hp can releave her of her pain, guide her, and help her.
my attitude...I spend each day as if it's the last day of my life.
It dosen't matter oneway or the other if I trust my GF.
She can do anything she choose to do. She is her own
person.
Trust comes back, but it's not the same kind of trust that
I'm looking for something she might be doing to my aprroval or
standard. There's nothing to earn, nothing to measure her by.
I have no expectations of her. There's no conditions.
I either love her or I don't
I do not speak lightly..There's been plenty of wrackage.
I trust in a power greater than me.
I hope my gf is working her program
I hope she has a hp that she can trust in.
I hope her hp can releave her of her pain, guide her, and help her.
my attitude...I spend each day as if it's the last day of my life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: victorville, ca
Posts: 7
trust comes back when they stop using. once you see the person that they were restored, because the drug is no longer driving them, you will start to feel better and believe in him again.
God bless you and stay strong,
whymyfamily
God bless you and stay strong,
whymyfamily
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: matawan, nj
Posts: 8
cynay-no i haven't tried working a program because for all this time, uptill yesterday i believed he was honest and sober and i trusted him. however, for myself, nothing to do with him i've been going to therapy for years. I'll see my therapist friday...additionally, i'm so busy--i teach full time, and i'm doing two grad school classes a semester, i've been training for a marathon---i feel like i spend a lot of time taking care of myself, and maybe thats why i didn't catch on that this was going on till now. i'm not going to stop my life or doing what i do, and i know its not my fault...i've been looking into alanon, etc, so i'll prob try it. its nice to know i'm not alone.
lynne---i like how you said the pot is cheating...i told him, saying that "i didn't cheat" is so lame and i just wouldn't accept it. I've always expressed to him that honesty is so important to me. every lame excuse he gave i was so angry about i just told him i wasnt' buying it. when i spoke to him before, i told him how sad i was that i can't trust him now. i told him that i didn't know if it would come back...you are completely right, it was a form of cheating.
junkyswife-right now it makes me so sad that i have to think about a new kind of trust. it makes sense that it would be that, but like you said, i guess i have to decide if i can deal with that. its like i'm grieving the loss of that trust...i can't believe 2 days ago i didn't feel this loss, and i had no idea.
teke & hope thank you for your prayers and thoughts
satit-living each day like its the end--my bf always says that he is doing that you sound like you are a good partner and your gf is lucky to have you.
whymyfamily-thank you for your message, and prayers
on a side note--i just have to share this...a few months ago, i was kissing him and i tasted pot on him, and i said "you taste like marijuana". He smokes cigarettes, so i thought maybe i was just confused, and he answers (quickly), "it must be my toothpicks" and i just said "oh, thats weird...okay" and I completely took his lie as a truth even though now that i think about it, it's absolutely ridiculous. but that is how i trusted him before, that i would accept the most ridiculous thing at face value! that actually makes me feel stupid..and yesterday when i was in the midst of yelling and crying (i had a low point initially when faced with this whole thing), i was like "I CANT BELIEVE YOU TOLD ME TOOTHPICKS!!!". he'll never get away with that again.
he's going to a meeting wednesday night... so thats positive.
lynne---i like how you said the pot is cheating...i told him, saying that "i didn't cheat" is so lame and i just wouldn't accept it. I've always expressed to him that honesty is so important to me. every lame excuse he gave i was so angry about i just told him i wasnt' buying it. when i spoke to him before, i told him how sad i was that i can't trust him now. i told him that i didn't know if it would come back...you are completely right, it was a form of cheating.
junkyswife-right now it makes me so sad that i have to think about a new kind of trust. it makes sense that it would be that, but like you said, i guess i have to decide if i can deal with that. its like i'm grieving the loss of that trust...i can't believe 2 days ago i didn't feel this loss, and i had no idea.
teke & hope thank you for your prayers and thoughts
satit-living each day like its the end--my bf always says that he is doing that you sound like you are a good partner and your gf is lucky to have you.
whymyfamily-thank you for your message, and prayers
on a side note--i just have to share this...a few months ago, i was kissing him and i tasted pot on him, and i said "you taste like marijuana". He smokes cigarettes, so i thought maybe i was just confused, and he answers (quickly), "it must be my toothpicks" and i just said "oh, thats weird...okay" and I completely took his lie as a truth even though now that i think about it, it's absolutely ridiculous. but that is how i trusted him before, that i would accept the most ridiculous thing at face value! that actually makes me feel stupid..and yesterday when i was in the midst of yelling and crying (i had a low point initially when faced with this whole thing), i was like "I CANT BELIEVE YOU TOLD ME TOOTHPICKS!!!". he'll never get away with that again.
he's going to a meeting wednesday night... so thats positive.
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