Grieve the child they didn't become

Old 04-23-2007, 06:40 PM
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This is such an emotional truth. I have had to grieve many "dreams" in my life from a marriage that didn't work out to two sons who have been in so much trouble.
Grieving also helps to release us from that dream.
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Old 04-23-2007, 07:28 PM
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I like that "grieving also helps to release us from that dream".
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:35 PM
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lo, i feel your pain i think at one time or the other we all feel that way. i miss my a.s. really bad sometimes & those are the times i will see other guys his age doing normal things with there families & wish mine were doing it.sometimes it is just little things. i feel it & i move on.i do not stay in that moment long.hugs & prayers ,hope
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Old 04-23-2007, 09:35 PM
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Lobo: Yes he is. Has been for over 2 years we think. I don't miss the chaos he created when using, but like the others I do miss that sweet little boy that used to put on his working boots to help his dad when there was work to be done around the house. He might have been around 4 or 5. So cute.
I haven't heard from him in awhile. He usually just communicates through my space with my daughter. That's how I find out how he's doing. He hasn't been home for 2 months. He's living with a friend and has a part time job and claims he's not using. God, I pray that's true. He doesn't call I think cause he knows were disgusted and we don't trust him or believe him anymore.

He's 22, I feel going on 17 or 18. Very immature. I hope, everyone else here, that he recovers fully and we can have him back fishing, hunting, and just being a part of the family again.
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Old 04-23-2007, 10:55 PM
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i actually teach autistic children/adolescents (almost 7 years now), and i think i read the same article (people magazine?).
working with parents, i see their grief all the time. it's normal...all i can say (and I'm new here) is that for a parent who has a child that may not be what was expected...well, maybe it's not, but you can still have different hopes and dreams...theres a poem called Welcome to Holland and it's about what it feels like to have a child with disabilities, and your post made me think about it because it's exactly what you are thinking about...i'll try to find it and post it for you.
it's okay to have different hopes and dreams...and its okay to grieve...but i know my students with autism, they make progress and they have breakthroughs and they grow so much, so i do believe there is always hope.
hugs to you.
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Old 04-23-2007, 10:58 PM
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okay, i found the poem, and its about disabilities, not addiction, but its a really good poem about being a parent and grieving.

Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
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Old 04-24-2007, 06:02 AM
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Beautiful. Well said and so true. Thanks.
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Old 04-24-2007, 07:14 AM
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let it grow!
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this is a great thread, thank you. i try to stay grounded in today, and hopeful for the future. it's difficult. blessings, k
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Old 04-24-2007, 08:47 AM
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Lobo, I grieved thoroughly just a year ago, when I figured my son was as good as dead. I will never forget the pain, it was horrible. But looking back now, "I" was the one that caused my own pain, by giving up hope. I had forgotten that our HP has a reason for everything that happens in our lives...lessons to be learned, growth that needs to occur, etc.
Try to take the energy used in grieving and turn it into hope that your daughter will learn, return and that everything will work out exactly as it should.
When RAS got clean, he gave us a thank you card that said "Thank you for not giving up on me even when I had given up on myself....R.I.P. **** the crackhead." It's on my wall and the first thing that I see every morning.
Unfortunately, it's not completely true, since I had given up on him, but that was the lesson that "I" had to learn....there is always hope!
Love, Barb
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Old 04-24-2007, 04:26 PM
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Yes--you are right it is the little things--and yesterday I was having one of those days where it all seemed so big and on my mind--nice to know I am not alone!I guess in a way we have to do double chair psychology--say goodbye to the old and hello to the new!
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Old 04-24-2007, 05:07 PM
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so sorry

Your post made me fill up with tears...
My brother is an addict and I know my mom feels the same way. She is the best mom and has so much to give and wants her son, an addict to be a normal son, grow up get married and have a beautiful life. However he is an addict and her life gets consumed in that instead. I will pray for you.. I see the same pain in mom!
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Old 04-24-2007, 05:41 PM
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just glad i stopped by this thread tonight...........................................
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Old 04-24-2007, 06:28 PM
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I was knid of thinking about things like this today at work. How when my daughter was young she wanted to be in daisy's & girl scouts. So we started the meenings at our house untill another place was available. She wanted to play soccer & baseball at age 7 or so. We went to all her games. Then she came home & said, mom I want to take sinigng lessons. You have to understand, she cann't sing to save her life. Buit we found a voice coach & let her try. (I thought we would have to pay like quadruple cuz she did suck at that) She did vinclombardi cheerleading. I never wanted her to be affraid to try things she was interested in. She played flute, high school was track & soccer. I didn't care, just wanted to support what she enjoyed.
I was under the understanding that she would hav a better shot at staying out of trouble, being involved in things. She would come to us & say she wanted to try these things. I wasn't one of those pushy sport parents. I just wanted her to enjoy herself.
As far as what to become when she grew up, I always told her find something you love to do, then figure out a way to make money at it.
She was a good kid untill she turned 18 in nov senoir year. It was like bam. A light switch went off.
I am still grieving what could have been for her. Each day I grieve less & am thankful for more. I do not want to loose hope, but somedays the hope is off in the distance, just out of reach. I am greatful that I have more smiles than tears. I don't want to loose the smiles my daughter has given me. I am glad I can say my heart isn't full of pain, that there is still room for it to glow with love.
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Old 04-25-2007, 04:52 PM
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This thread does hit home. My AS was always very smart, good grades and he could have been whatever he wanted. He went off to college and life unraveled! He has been in and out of the house, in and out of trouble and in and out of our lives. Growing up, we tried to make sure he had everything. We took him and his friends on outings, bowling, movies, sporting events etc. He was a hockey player and I spent many mornings at 4am sitting in a cold rink jsut to watch him play. He was my pride and joy. My heart breaks when I think of what could have been for him. He is going to be 23 next month and I just pray someday he will get it together.
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