Violet Brown

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

In case you don't remember me, last week I was posting about my AH and how I filed a missing persons report on him.

He came home, then left again the next day.

I was supposed to meet with a lawyer last week to talk about separation issues but my son and I both came down with the stomach flu so I canceled the appointment. I haven't rescheduled.

You see, I'm terrified of making the next step. Logically I have to get out of here. My AH is going to lose his job - if not this month, then next month. I'm a stay at home mom, so I have no income. I have to get out of here, find daycare, find a job, find a place to live and figure out all the legal issues surrounding custody/separation. I feel overwhelmed.

I have a lot of options, and tonnes of offers for help. My parents want me to go live with them two provinces away. My in-laws want me to go live with them on the East Coast. My mother has offered to help pay for my living expenses if I decide to stay where I am. All of these offers keep swimming in my head - I can't figure out which is best. In my mind they all suck. I still wish my AH would just stop using, although I know that's not one of the options on the table.

I think right now I'm stuck in a mire of anger. I'm so mad at my AH for forcing these decisions on me. I'm mad at my in-laws for raising such a dysfunctional son. For some reason I'm mad at my parents for offering so much help. I mean, this is my life - I made my bed and should be made to lie in it. I should be forced to go live in the women's shelter and fend for myself and son on welfare while picking up the pieces of my life. (I know this isn't a helpful way to be thinking, but I can't seem to let go of the notion that I have a duty to go-it-alone.) Mostly I'm angry at myself for not just getting on with life.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Jewelz

Violet your in a tough situation that only you can get out of.. we already know you can not depend on your husband to stop using.

Some how you need to find a way to stop being mad at everyone including yourself so you can go forward. When you stay angry long enough all you feel is stuck.

You have options .. plenty of options.

Maybe you could look for work while you are still home..find day care, take up on your parents offer of help or maybe a loan and pay them back when you can.

or

You could move to the east coast and live with his parents. I dont know if I would do that but regardless its an option.

or you could do what you said go to a shelter, get on welfare until you get on your feet.

Many of us Codependents could help out everyone, do everything we can to make someones life a little easier but when it comes to ourself we dont know how to accept an offer.

If I were you I would probably try looking for work now, day care and take my parents offer.

But you will only be able to do what you need to do when you put the anger aside and dont feel ashamed accepting help. You been through a lot and deserve some kindness your way.

P.S Take what you need and leave the rest... everything I wrote I wrote from my heart, love and my experience.

Hugs,
Jewel

Cynay

Stop.... Breath.... yep keep breathing.......

I think the last thing you wrote hits the problem right on the head. Your angery with yourself and you feel like you "need" to be punished.

I guess that is where I would start because any decisions that you make when your coming at it from that point of view are not going to be healthy, loving choices sweetie....

Start there.... we have all been there so your not alone.

teke

sorry that you are having a hard time with all of this, i think that its good that you have support from your parents, in my opinion, this might make things a little less stressful, especially if you decide to not divorce right now. seems like you may not really be ready to be so final with this all, maybe you could just seperate until you are more prepared to do whatever it is that you end up deciding. the choice is yours and i'm praying for you and is here to support whatever decision that you make.

wayconfused

my prayers are with you Violet. I think we both just need to keep coming here and reading and sharing..
BIG HUG
Way

hope213

you are confused.i said a prayer for you when i read your post. first off it is not ANYBODYS fault your husband uses, not yours or his parents.NOBODYS... he is a grown man & he is the one who chooses to use.it is his choice & nobody can make him use or keep him clean. my son is the addict in my life & i DID NOT CHOOSE THIS WAY OF LIFE FOR HIM. you are the only one who can choose the life of living with an addict or going on with something else.i am sorry you are going through all this pain. you have alot of people who love & care for you & are willing to help you no matter what u decide to do.more prayers for you & him both.

thejunkyswife

Especially at first, but sometimes still now on worse days, I struggle with my anger...anger...ANGER! I find myself angry at really inappropriate people, too...and I know it! I know that there are people who are trying to help me, but they make me MAD! Or there are my husband's junky friends...oh, I can really get riled up about them. I think some of this anger towards others is a way to keep from strangling my husband for what he's put us through...but I've also come to realize that some of my anger is because I'm mad at myself for getting into this situation.

I've learned in meetings from some really wise women that the way to get past this anger is to forgive myself, or to try to begin to forgive myself. It's the only way to be able to move on.

greeteachday

Keep venting here, it will help. I think anger can be healthy and something we need to expereince, but if we don't find a way to let it out, it can paralyze us. I found it helpful for me to write out my anger and then to focus on things I was grateful for. Because for me, i couldn't feel a victim when I was looking at gratitude. And that helped me to weigh options and move forward.

Maybe, when you are ready, writing out your options and listing pros and cons would help you to decide what next. Take as many steps as you need to or feel comfortable with. If you aren't ready to move, perhaps just finding a job and child care would help you feel more in control of your own life. The nice thing is that whatever happens, you have the power to change it however you decide to. Hugs

HKAngel24

thejunkyswife - I TOO find myself angry at inappropriate people. Does anyone else experience this illogical phenomenon? Not to take away from the point of this post- but I am constantly silently cursing the girl on the bike standing too close to me on the street corner while I'm having an inappropriate conversation to begin with or the laughing group of girls blocking my path to class.

Violet- I truly feel for you. When WE are the only individuals who can change our situation. We feel so powerless and can't imagine what we can do. We are angry that we are there to begin with and figuring out what action to take next seems impossible.
I, too, am DEEPLY terrified of taking a step- especially one that feels so final. We may have anxiety about making decisions to begin with- not trusting that we are in a sane frame of mind to make the right one.

I agree with many of the comments above. It is important to allow yourself to feel angry- it may even be irrational anger for awhile- but ultimately if you do not forgive yourself you may not be able to make the next move.
Take back your power.

GiveLove

Deep breaths, Violet. Deep breaths.

Anger is natural. You didn't do this. You didn't create this. You can be angry but don't let it immobilize you.

I'm glad you realize that he-gets-clean-and-we-live-happily-ever-after isn't one of the options on the table right now.

Take one small step. Not even today...today just breathe and write how you feel and lay out all the options.

Tomorrow, maybe, take one small step. See if there is a daycare that seems really good and fun, like the kind of place your child will learn things and enjoy being at. That's it. Just that.

Another day, look through jobs in the paper and see if anything sounds remotely interesting to you. As you walk around to the places you frequent, think about places you might enjoy working, even part time. That's it. That's the small step.

Plan a collection of little tiny steps that expand the shell you're caught in right now. You don't have to do anything huge all at once and right now.

The exception is if you're in imminent danger of losing a roof over your child's head, or if your health is suffering, or if any and all money you have left is about to be sucked up by your husband's addiction & its aftershocks. Then you have to solve the problem...but just that problem, not the entire rest of your life.

Take it slow. Be grateful for the options you have.
And think about why you think you deserve to suffer. Why is that again? Are you an axe murderer, bank robber, corporate raider? All you're guilty of is love; all you're guilty of is having lived your life the best way you knew how at the time. Is this a punishable offense?

I don't think going to a shelter is necessary. I think you have already suffered enough and are continuing to suffer and WILL continue to suffer because of addiction.....that will be plenty to hold you over, don't you think?

Take care of the two of you

Hugs & strength
GL

dollydo

All I can offer is to make plans, a short term one and a long term one.

Short term, start looking for a job, re-establish yourself, start putting money away, do not mention it to him, then have a long term plan, like in a year I am moving ------where ever you decide, or if you happy with your progress, stay where you are.

Your parents are concerned about you and want to help, yet I would not accept any offer until you are 100% sure you are ready to make the move and stick to your guns. If you are not ready, and just reacting, you will end up dis-appointing them if you decide to run back to him. They don't deserve to be put thru all the drama and chaos.

As for his parents, I'd pass....

There is an answer to this delimna, you just need to calm down and think it through, carefully.

Bottom line is: If you don't have a plan, you plan to fail.

Just my two cents.

Sunflower

I am glad that you have offers of help---and sorry for your pain...I went to live with my parents when I left my EXAH many many years ago--it was the best thing I could have ever done--I felt safe-and loved--and I was able to go to college for 2 years to become a nurse so I could financially survive.Plus I was able to socialize with 'normal'people cause my parents were there at night to watch him--I was very very fortunate--without my parents I do not know what would have ever happened to me--I say go Home to YOUR parents....best of luck....

Wascally Wabbit

I was in your position when my children were tots. I was a stay at home mother, with an alcoholic drug addict hateful, extremely physically abusive husband. If I hadn't gotten out, he would have killed me in his anger. I did not have the help or family I needed. I had only one friend. She let me stay with her for a month, till I got myself together. It was a terrible tumultious time, but I made it through and wound up getting into college too!

BigSis

Violet... (((hugs)))

Wait. Pray. More shall be revealed.


That is something I learned in Alanon. They told me other things that help me gain "clarity". If you haven't gone to any meetings, tonight might be a good first meeting night.

I wish you the best.

marle

I agree with BigSis. If you are not sure then wait. Going to the parents or the in-laws when you are feeling such anger is not fair to them. Before my daughter became an addict, I would help her out of situations only to have her turn on me with anger. Then I would feel resentment and be angry at her. It is your life and your choices. If you want independence then decide what is the best way for you to achieve it. Make lists of choices, then list the positives and negatives of those choices. Sending hugs and prayers that you will find the way that is best for you. Hugs, Marle

Blackrose2756

Let me just say, because it's all been said, that in September of 2006, I was faced with somewhat the same decisions. And I had plenty of family willing to help. And I too, was angry, at him for picking drugs, booze & the low-class people over "us". The people on this group helped me to find my way. I sat down one day & thought..."What do I want?" My son & I moved back to Az with my parents (not the best thing, but better than having nothing). Several months later my daughter, her boyfriend & my grandbaby moved out here & my family is coming together. My ex....he's is still living in the pain & misery that HE chose to live in. He gave up a great woman, fantastic job & pretty nice home....for booze, drugs & the "ghetto".

That is my "experience, strength & hope".

Lynne

Violet Brown

Thankyou everyone for your support and insight. I can't believe how much insight there is on this board - you've definitely helped me more than I can describe. I never realized that somewhere deep inside I believed I deserved to be "punished," but that's exactly true. Even before I met my AH I'd made some choices in life that weren't exactly healthy, and I think I've been "punishing" myself for them ever since - that probably goes a long way to explaining why I got together with my AH in the first place.

Just gaining that kind of perspective on my situation has helped ease my anger a lot. I think the anger I hold towards myself for getting into this situation and the anger I feel towards my AH is spilling over into inappropriate arenas. And being angry means I don't want to accept help from anyone, lest I be indebted to them. There's also a certain amount of "I'll show them! I'll do it myself and prove myself." Perhaps this is a time in my life when I should put aside pride and be grateful for those who are willing to help. I'm living thousands of miles from my friends and family; I only know a handful of people in this city and have lived here less than two years. It's probably a good idea for me to move in with my family, at least for a few months while I get on my feet. At least then, if I need it, I can count on people to babysit while I find a job and attend Naranon meetings, on shoulders to cry on when I need them, and on several darned-good male role models for my son to look up to. It won't be easy by any means - not for me, my son or my parents. I'll have to work hard at living with grace, but at least I'll know that this is a means to an end, and that no matter how hard it is it will be easier than my current situation. I mean, it can't be worse than that, can it? I sat down and wrote out the pros and cons of all the options at hand and decided that living with my parents would be the best option. I'll give myself a year to get it together and move out. I hope to be out on my own well before then, but maybe if I give myself a year I won't be setting myself up for failure.

Oh, and in case anyone was offended - when I said I was angry at my in-laws for raising such a dysfunctional son I didn't mean to imply I blame them for his becoming an addict. My in-laws did the best they could, but honestly they should never have been parents. Three kids, (one of them adopted so it's not only genetics), and not one of them is responsible enough to hold down a job, live with their own children or do anything beyond mooching and drugging. Plus my mother in law is certifiably nuts - she's extremely religious to the point where she honestly believes that if she could just see my AH God would shoot powers through her eyes and cure AH of his addiction. So as you can see, with family like that AH really didn't have a chance, and it's a real shame.

Sunflower

Good idea to make the pro/con list--I have done that often-simple but it can give you an answer.
IMHO you are doing the right thing. No it will not be 'easy' but it is better than being abused by an alcoholic. Once you get 'home' to your friends and family you will feel safe again-I did.
Living with your parents can be interesting-I hope once you make the move you will feel free to PM me-I have been right down the road you are headed towards.Always remember to your Mother and Father you are still their little girl--so you have to let some things slide.
And why rush into a job-unless it is one that you can afford to be independant on with your son? When I moved home was when I went back to college-and got a career that paid well so I knew I would never have to worry,As a nurse-it was high pay-flexible hours-and anywhere I went I could get a job...so I was fixed to provide for me and my son. Took a little longer to get on my own but it was worth it. School seemed to give me back a sense of worth again--I discovered who I was there.
Promise you will keep us updated.You are worth it--you are strong-and you are brave--