HKAngel24

I have been dealing with alot of guilt as of late and I know it's the codep. sort.
My recovering abf has been staying with me in order to get to and from his job. He took a week off of work to get himself together hence why he did not receive a paycheck. I loaned him some money last week for food and cigarettes. Even though I don't think he's getting drugs (always that question.) I give him small amounts of money at a time. Buy his train tickets for work so I am not giving him actual cash, etc.

Then last Friday I came back from work and he told me that despite being paid on Wed. (a decent amount of $) - he had paid bills AND overdrawn money on his account prior to another cashed check going through resulting in the bank charging him numerous fees.

I became livid. I did not want to have to have another weekend of not really doing much because he was short on cash. I just get so angry that he cannot financially manage his money. I KNOW it is not my problem to "Rescue" him. I know my problems are mine and his are his. But I am affected by his poor financial choices.

As is typical- I get resentful for giving him money that I really don't have to be throwing around. Then he gets upset because he says I think he is a loser. I feel guilty for making him feel bad and this results in a cycle.
The guilt is so tremendous sometimes.

I know he is just trying to get back on his feet and I am trying to be supportive, but I feel dissatisfied in a sense. It feels very unfair. I know he really is going through alot with his recovery and doing everything he can to stay on track. He is attending his intensive outpatient during the week and on Saturdays we attend an open group at his outpatient facility.

It's quite difficult for me to express how I feel because even FEELING this way breeds guilt. I express it to him in the best way that I can without making it seem as though I'm criticizing him.
I do love him and wish he did not struggle, but at the same time believe that two individuals in a relationship should be able to be financially independent.

parentrecovers

you know if you give him money, he'll just blow it. he won't have any money either way - whether you give him $1 or $100. don't feel guilty, it's the way the disease works. blessings, k

Lovestoomuch

I learned this lesson a long time ago and it was a hard one to learn. There was so much resentment towards my then abf, I had to stop myself from doing anything for him that may anger me later. Even the slightest nice gesture from me could wind up with me getting hurt or angry if the end result wasn't what I wanted to see produced by it. Takes practice..........don't be too hard on yourself. It happens to the best of us.

Elana

Been there and done that. My XABF couldn't handle $3 wisely.. has liens, judgements and no credit.

I really did not care but I DID care when he was supposed to help pay bills (like the mortgage) and did not have the $$ for me. I could not afford this.

I did manage to stay calm and wait and he would eventually come up with the money.. but this lack of financial responsibility is not a godo thing for any realtionship.

Most fights between couples are over money. Perhaps you and he could sit down and figure a budget so he knows what he has to pay and when on those things that affect YOU.

hope213

budgets are good.that way you will also KNOW what he is really doing with his money & go from there.

GiveLove

I think a budget and a plan (and an honest talk) is probably a good way to go.

I used to have these conversations with my XABF. He would mismanage his money and I would have to repeatedly bail him out, and day by day I lost more and more respect for him. And he would pull on those guilty heartstrings whenever he felt the need: that I thought he was a "loser"

Well.....at first I fell for that. Then I saw that I worked damned hard for the little amount of money I made, that *I* was sacrificing my dreams because of his unwillingness to learn basic money skills, and saw that his irresponsibility was ruining (what I thought was) a good relationship. For heaven's sake, he was brilliant, but couldn't seem to manage the financial side of his life at all.

I tried to help -- we set a budget, made plans, got money management books from the library (the "Dummies" series is really good) But he still found a way to blow it, over and over. It's in his programming. It's in his genes. He thinks the world owes him something...and I was the banker for the world. Some people are like this.

Your boyfriend may or may not truly be a loser. The only way to find out is to put your heads together, with love and with patience, and see if he's willing to try. Math is very simple: here's how much money is in your account. You can't write checks greater than that number. If you do this again, you are on your own.

There is no need for guilt if his actions are causing you to lose respect for him. Your feelings have merit. Your opinions matter.

Take care,
GiveLove

oneeyeopen

harumpf, we all seem to end up in this situation with money...I was absolutely debt free when I first met my abf, and now...7000 bucks in debt, and you know what, only about 2000 of that can legitimately be considered money I spent on me. The rest, time and time again of showing faith, of seed money for getting a leg up, and what did it end up doing --- down his gullet as booze or into his lungs as crack.

his mom said to me the other day "watch out, he will bankrupt you."

every-time I lend him money and he blows it on crap I say to myself "never again" but...the manipulations are so strong, and I so desperately want to believe that this really will be the time that it makes a difference.

We should all make a pact to STOP giving the addicts a single dime. Even though my abf owes me all this money, what does he do if he gets a hundred bucks in his pocket -- no, doesn't over to make some token payment or even take me out for dinner, he heads straight to a bar.

I have more of a chance of winning a lottery than getting him to pay me back.

The thing is -- I am the person in the equation with the smallest income! I even once let myself get suckered into giving him money to pay his mother back (who has plenty of dough) which he then used to...drink.

Live and learn...

laketime

My As Is 20. He's Not Living At Home Because He Wants To Use With His 15 Year Old Agf. No Job, He Called His 17 Year Old Brother For Money Saturday Night, He Was Stranded, No Money, No Gas. His Little Bro Is Finally Saying No Too. He's The Same High Or Straight. A Dollar Has No Meaning To Him. I Really Doont Know If It Ever Will

teke

in my opinion, you not giving him money is nothing that you should feel guilty about. you are not responsible for him getting on his feet unless you choose to be. sometimes active addicts get themselve into positions that effect them long after they began to recover. not your fault.

i decided that i would allow my rah to suffer the consequences of his own actions. i didn't help him get in the trouble that he's in and i don't have to help him get out unless i choose to. keeping you and him in my prayers

Elana

Amen sister. Even tho ABF is gone, I remind him once a month what he owes me.....
I will until the bills are returned to me.
NS