venusinlibra

I am taking every day, one day at a time. Some days are better than others. Today is especially difficult because I am happy for my BF's sobriety but find it strange all these new friends he has. People he meets at meetings, he barely knows them, and all of sudden they are his new best friends. I am glad for their support but at the same time, everytime he comes home from a meeting, his mood is different.

Sometimes he is really loving and others it seems like he is pissed off at me. One day he will tell me that someone at the meeting said he shouldn't be in a relationship for a year. I did not get angry, I calmly told him if that is what he thought was the best, I supported him in that decision. He immediately told me he disagreed with the guy. I constantly feel tested.

Also, there is one particular women who is emailing him constantly and signing emails love, xo, etc. (he showed me the emails). One part of me is happy and the other part thinks it is weird. She seems super friendly and flirty. I asked him if she knew he lived with me, he said yes, and she lived with someone as well.

I am going to my Alanon meetings, I am grateful for the support, but I listen to people's advice with an open mind. But when I walk away, I realize that it is easy to say whatever, but actions mean everything.

Sometimes I am so pissed at him, I resent going through this drama, I wish that my life was normal. Other days I feel only love and support.

Any suggestions? Any stories to share on how to handle this? How to keep the relationship solid?

best

Shouldn't make any major life changes when we have a choice in the matter for about a year. Adding a relationship or dropping out of a relationship would be major changes.
Becoming celibate and single is Not what the suggestion means.

No changes when we have a choice in the matter is what it means.

oneeyeopen

First off, my understanding is that you should not START a relationship for a year, but if you are in one -- well then you are already and the idea isn't to stop one and then get back together a year later.

that goes for all sorts of things. the idea is to avoid big changes that cause stress for a year. Yeah, a loving relationship is a positive thing, but the fact is it does cause stress. I guess AA also wants people to focus on themselves.

But, no, they do not advocate breaking up with someone.

I know that my abf has told me that one thing he doesn't like about AA meetings is that he feels the women are often looking to pick guys up. I guess they want men they think will be sober.

There are all men meetings in my town, perhaps your boyfriend could go to one of them instead.

staying with an addict is definitely an up and down thing. roller coaster of emotions. No real suggestions but to focus on yourself and your own recovery.

liesagain

my Ah tells me ALL the time............MEN with MEN and women with women at these meetings...............meaning other than listening when they
( women ) share he has no reason to be speaking to them outside nor does he need to be developing friendships...with women at his meetings

Quite frankly............I doubt your BF's sponsor would think its best for your BF to have an emailing friendship with this woman.............

And as far as breaking up.............I agree with everyone else..........no relationships for a year means for those not already in a relationship...........I ASKED one of the people in the NA meeting once..........and was told no new relationships for a year and no major life changes ( like ending a relationship ) for a year...............

good luck to you

Ann

Recovery will be a time of adjustment for both of you. I think it is a good sign that he is sharing openly with you about his meetings and friends, and hopefully he can discern what is appropriate in a recovery friendship and what is not. His recovery will teach him that, just as yours will.

Sharing and keeping communications open and honest will help keep your relationship healthy and strong.

Hugs

BigSis

Lots of folks in early recovery are unsure about.... everything. It could be HE doesn't quite know how to handle her, and is (as Ann noted) being as open and honest about it as he knows how.

Of course there are sick people at meetings (if we were all here, we wouldn't be all there), and as he gets stronger in his recovery, he will become more adept at dissuading those inappropriate conversations.

Until then... what is it you can do about it? Are you willing to leave him over emails he didn't write or send? (no need to answer, I think that was rhetorical)

He has to relearn a LOT of things... and it sounds like he is grabbing onto his recovery, even when he doesn't quite understand (like the 1-year remark - which I agree does NOT apply to existing relationships). This also includes how to handle this woman and her emails. And we can't do it for him.

Glad you are going to Alanon. (((hugs)))