Ground me Again!
 

Well I did make the call to my ah regarding these boys. He was quite understanding and was upset for what they are putting me through. He said that he was very sorry and the sad part is they learned it from him. Something he sees now after being apart for so long.

He said that his hands are tighted in approaching them in anyway, if he called them they slam the phone down, if he came to see or get them they would beat him up.

He went on to say how very sorry he is for what he has put me through and he hopes and prays that one day I give him another chance, he wants to be in some part of my life, that he hates the town he lives in, does not want to call it home because he feels that it would separate us even further and he lives for the hope of being back in our lives again.

He wishes that I would reconsider and put off divorce proceedings so he can prove himself...so I jumped in with well I might think about it if you sign over the house...Ha Ha...good try hey. No he said, if things don't work out he is entitle to some of the equity....but he was so kind (Ha Ha) to say that I could stay in it until the boys were gone and he would always see to it that I was set-up in a place to live, and if need be he would lend me some of his equity. Now he is thinking that he is going to be getting $60,000.00 in his pocket.

But his biggest hope and it is the hope that keeps him going is for us to be back together, that he wants to grow old with me. Without me he has lost everything and he refuses to give up.

I should have never made that call, a bad decision in an upsetting moment.

Rose

Well, I really do not know what to say, you posted your intent, many responded and you made your own choice, so now all you can do is deal with your choice.

I too am sorry you made the decision you did, but, tomorrow is another day.

My Best,
Dolly

Well, there is no point in beating yourself up over this. Forward means sometimes making a mistake so we can go in the right direction.

I think you have huge things to deal with.. two boys who are abusive to you, an ex husband who was abusive and sounds like he hasn't changed.. and a divorce to proceed with. That is a lot for any soul to handle.

Just know that I think you are doing what you can.. and that if I come across tough and harsh sometimes it is because I become enraged at abuse. I don't care if it is abuse of animals or pets, children, spouses, parents by their children or elder abuse. Abuse makes me angry.

I have stood up to more than one bully in my life.. and I guess I must be scary when I do cuz I mostly have won.

So, Rose, I just want you to know I am on your side. Forward.. the place to go.. tho recovery hill may be steep and boulder strewn.. it is the only hill we have to climb.

You are exactly like me. I ask for advice & then do what I want to do. I'm NOT saying that is a bad thing. But I guess we shouldn't ask for advice once we already know what we are going to do. I made a "bad" decision in January, but ultimately, I know why it happened. (Called ex...discovered he is still using...) If it were me, I know I'd be willing to give him another chance. Which is why we probably said NOT to do it. Now you have a lot to think about. How long has he been clean? Is he working a program? And all the other reasons you are NOT living together. (Sorry, I can't remember your whole story).

And if you didn't want contact, you have just opened the door. I know it is VERY hard to deal with the fact that perhaps our hopes, our dreams & the man we promised to spend a lifetime with, is not there anymore. And I think deep inside, we hope that "someday they get it".

I've know my ex since he was 11 (about 31 years now). And there are times that deep inside I hope that someday he calls me up & tells me he has a year clean & sober, he's working a program & he wants another chance. Then I can make a decision.

By the way, I knew he'd give you the answer he did about the boys. I got the same one from my 1st husband after we were separated & I had problems with my two children.

Lynne

i am sorry he could not help you.was if he could not or just did not want to? anyway, u tried him...didn't work, don't beat yourself up. hugs,hope

as others have said,
the call was made, it's over now, whether it was a good or bad decision no longer matters....

as they say in the rooms...
"do the next right thing"

in my opinion, that might be to get help (counseling etc...) with your sons
(forgive me if that's already happening...senior moments cause me to forget details of each story...probably because there are so many and all are sad in their own way)


my concern is not so much the recent contact with AH but rather the abusive situation with your sons....

please take care of you and be gentle on yourself
you deserve to be treated kindly and if the men in your life are not doing that you need to do whatever you can to make it happen

your AH is probably not the one who can help with this but a therapist or family counseling etc might

(((prayers)))

Thanks Everyone for you replies,

My choice was not good I know, this is no excuse but my head is going in so many directions, I have so many worries that seem so unsolvable and I think I really am in need of some professional help once again. I so wish I had someone that I could just lean on for once instead of having to deal with it all.

I have no such intention of having my husband back, my comment I made regarding telling him that I would think about if he were to put the house in my name was very malishish of me, I just thought one last thing that I would have to depend on that lawyer to do for me. Again not a great comment to make.

I truly think that he was and still is manilpulating, trying to promise hope and happiness that is going to go as far as the next hit of crack.

Rose

Rose, can you make some calls to agencies or social services that may be able to find you help for your boys? Sometimes outside help can neutralize the emotions and help them get down to the real issues that are sending them off on an anger tangent.

My prayers are with you and your boys. It's a sad situation and I hope there is help for them.

Hugs

((((Rose))))

Rose... Action may be exactly what you need...


... counseling... physician/medication... meetings.


Doing the next right thing may be about the DOING part.

(((Rose)))

i'm sorry, rose. please take care of yourself. and know - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it.

your sons are lucky to have you. and you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

blessings, k

Rose,

Your post and situation really spoke to me today. You had a dilemma, you went out and gathered the thoughts, opinions and advice from others, and ultimately you took an action which didn't work out for you quite the way you had expected.

This reminds me of how my A struggled. He focused so much on the result that he wanted.... and he tried to get there every which way he could. He'd step back for awhile, and then go at it again from a different angle with renewed fervor. It never did work out for him the way he wanted or planned... his life didn't change until he let go of his expectations /results.

Some of us learn to surrender quickly, others of us have to try ONE more way to see if maybe- just maybe THIS time- we find the secret answer. A's and Codie's alike. We aren't all that different in our struggles.

Hugs

Cat

Rose, do not beat yourself up about calling your ah. You may have asked for advice but that does not mean you need to take it... decision soley on you. I believe after being with your ah for so many years it may seem just natural to go to him with everything thats going on with the boys. In my own opinion maybe you needed to call him to jst confirm within yourself of where he is at mentally and to also know you can not depend on him. You know Rose we live and learn... nothing more nothing else. Do not be hard on yourself just take it as a learning experience.

Hugs and prayers that your boys gets easier to handle and that you have the strength to go forward.

Hugs,
jewel