Last minute advice for AS coming home from rehab!
krhea75
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Last minute advice for AS coming home from rehab!
Well, after 90 days in rehab, my 16 year old son is coming home tomorrow. i am excited and scared. he has made tremendous progress. This is the only time out of the 4 rehab visits that he has finished successfully. I want to believe that he means what he says this time. But there is doubt in my head. I want to thank you all for the help you have given me over the past 3 months and I do feel that I am stronger. But I feel that I am going back into the trenches of warfare and I just don't want to have to fight anymore. He is scheduled to go to an outpatient program here in town and attend AA meetings. He will go back to high school and try to salvage part of his education. His job at McDonalds is waiting for him. It all sounds good. I just need a kick in the butt right now from you all. Here are the most important things you have said to me:
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Let go and let god
Take care of yourself and your recovery.
Stop feeling sorry for him or you will get in the way of his recovery.
If love would have been enough to cure him, he would be well by now.
These have become my personal mantras that get me through. Any thing I'm forgetting? I want to be strong and courageous but right now i feel tired, just tired.
krhea
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
Let go and let god
Take care of yourself and your recovery.
Stop feeling sorry for him or you will get in the way of his recovery.
If love would have been enough to cure him, he would be well by now.
These have become my personal mantras that get me through. Any thing I'm forgetting? I want to be strong and courageous but right now i feel tired, just tired.
krhea
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sounds like you have some really good mantras. I will say a prayer for him that he will continue on his path to recovery. Also sending prayers for you that this time you will not feel like it is warfare. That you have some peace. Remember he must want this, you can't do it for him. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
(((krhea)))
You sound as if you have your armour on! ood for you.
I pray this is a turning point for you and your son.
The only thing I would add that has helped me is:
"respond; don't react"
that one took some practice, but it has paid off in the long run (for me mostly) for my sanity.
Good luck and my prayers will be with you both.
Terri
You sound as if you have your armour on! ood for you.
I pray this is a turning point for you and your son.
The only thing I would add that has helped me is:
"respond; don't react"
that one took some practice, but it has paid off in the long run (for me mostly) for my sanity.
Good luck and my prayers will be with you both.
Terri
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you sound strong in your recovery.you have learned some important things. just continue to take care of you.i really hope this is your sons miracle. he is so young.keep us updated on what is going on.i am saying a prayer for you & him that things will be great.hugs,hope
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
I would add one more thing....
set boundaries...firm boundaries
your son is still a minor (16)...you should still have "some" control
he is coming from a structured environment and he learned to adapt to the rules,boundaries etc while there...try to maintain a set of "house" rules
I know we need to practice hands off the addict but I keep thinking that your son is younger than some of the other addicts discussed here....
hopefully the follow up treatments you have in place will help with keeping your son focused on his recovery
you are in my prayers
set boundaries...firm boundaries
your son is still a minor (16)...you should still have "some" control
he is coming from a structured environment and he learned to adapt to the rules,boundaries etc while there...try to maintain a set of "house" rules
I know we need to practice hands off the addict but I keep thinking that your son is younger than some of the other addicts discussed here....
hopefully the follow up treatments you have in place will help with keeping your son focused on his recovery
you are in my prayers
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
All great words to remember.
I sense that sometimes you have a hard time not giving in because you want your son to be happy and not to get angry with you. I think I sense it because that was me too. Two thoughts that helped me when my daughter came back into the home was "No is a complete sentence" and "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." Trust your gut and if it doesn't feel right, it is really okay to say no.
Sending lots of prayers and a big mom to mom hug.
I sense that sometimes you have a hard time not giving in because you want your son to be happy and not to get angry with you. I think I sense it because that was me too. Two thoughts that helped me when my daughter came back into the home was "No is a complete sentence" and "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." Trust your gut and if it doesn't feel right, it is really okay to say no.
Sending lots of prayers and a big mom to mom hug.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
hi there,
I guess you and I are somewhat in the same boat except that my son is 31 and will return home after six months of boot camp rehab. He returns this Thursday. My husband and I drove six hours to see him last Sunday. We met with my son and the director and established our boundaries. We were very plain spoken. We told him........
1. We were not longer his bank.......however we would pay for his insurance (health) because we felt he was holding up his sobriety. If he relapses he loses the insurance. Also he is on medication for restless legs and this will enable him to continue his medication at a reduced rate. Other than insurance we cannot help him.
2. If we see any signs of relapse we will tell his wife. The last time we did not tell because we thought his marriage would end and it would be due to us telling so we just kept quiet. (wrong move on our part) We learned our lesson.
3. If he steals from us we will sign papers to prosecute.
Everyone understands the rules. They are plain and simple but our boundaries nonetheless. If possible I'd go to HBO addiciton and review the relapse info. It is very good and offers valid ideas. It was most helpful to me. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. dixie
I guess you and I are somewhat in the same boat except that my son is 31 and will return home after six months of boot camp rehab. He returns this Thursday. My husband and I drove six hours to see him last Sunday. We met with my son and the director and established our boundaries. We were very plain spoken. We told him........
1. We were not longer his bank.......however we would pay for his insurance (health) because we felt he was holding up his sobriety. If he relapses he loses the insurance. Also he is on medication for restless legs and this will enable him to continue his medication at a reduced rate. Other than insurance we cannot help him.
2. If we see any signs of relapse we will tell his wife. The last time we did not tell because we thought his marriage would end and it would be due to us telling so we just kept quiet. (wrong move on our part) We learned our lesson.
3. If he steals from us we will sign papers to prosecute.
Everyone understands the rules. They are plain and simple but our boundaries nonetheless. If possible I'd go to HBO addiciton and review the relapse info. It is very good and offers valid ideas. It was most helpful to me. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. dixie
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((Krhea))))))))
I'm so glad your son was able to complete this program.
Looks like things are headed in a positive direction.
All great advice before me.
Just wanted to add...
Don't forget about your recovery.
Take time out for yourself.
You've come a long way, yourself.
I think your gonna do alot better this time around.
And doggone it...keep comin' back.
Huge hugs from one mom to another.
Sending plenty of prayers to the whole family too.
Love ya,
P.S. You probably grew up with your son, as I did with mine.
I was more of a friend than a mom for many years.
When it came time to really be mom, (with boundries and rules) it was too late.
Don't make the same mistake as I did.
Love him, respect him, and be firm with the "rules".
He'll learn to love himself, respect himself, and follow those rules.
Keep your chin up and come in often to update.
I'm so glad your son was able to complete this program.
Looks like things are headed in a positive direction.
All great advice before me.
Just wanted to add...
Don't forget about your recovery.
Take time out for yourself.
You've come a long way, yourself.
I think your gonna do alot better this time around.
And doggone it...keep comin' back.
Huge hugs from one mom to another.
Sending plenty of prayers to the whole family too.
Love ya,
P.S. You probably grew up with your son, as I did with mine.
I was more of a friend than a mom for many years.
When it came time to really be mom, (with boundries and rules) it was too late.
Don't make the same mistake as I did.
Love him, respect him, and be firm with the "rules".
He'll learn to love himself, respect himself, and follow those rules.
Keep your chin up and come in often to update.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
If I Had One Thing I Would Have Done Differently When My As Got Out Of Rehab It Would Have Been To Stand Firm On The Boundary Of New Playmates, New Playthings, New Playgrounds. I Didn't, I Regret It. Does He Have The Option To Change Schools And Jobs.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
I'm with Big Sis...meetings, meetings and more meetings for YOU. Have a phone list of recovery friends you can call? I know I've "maydayed" many a time when I was at my wits end.
Remember, do not cheat your son of the opportunity to learn the things he needs to learn. I know as a mom I always wanted to keep my kids from hurting, so I'd just try to fix it or help them a little. Now I know I wasn't helping them one bit, and really hurting them. So just remind yourself of that if you make it easy on him, it will just delay his maturing into the responsible man you'd like him to be.
And some good statements for you to remember when/if y'all have a rough day:
1. I'm always willing to do what is in your best interest.
2. Gee, sounds like you're having a bad day (when you really want to say, "Now listen here, young man, blah blah blah!")
3. That may work for you but it doesn't work for me.
4. I'm sorry you feel that way.
And just heard this one tonight (regarding us and our loved ones):
The weight of discipline is much lighter than the load of regret.
Oh, oh....and if you have one of those days where you feel you just HAVE to say something, remember the 3 B's:
Be kind....Be brief...and BE GONE!
Hang in there, krhea. Praying both you and he will make it!
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Remember, do not cheat your son of the opportunity to learn the things he needs to learn. I know as a mom I always wanted to keep my kids from hurting, so I'd just try to fix it or help them a little. Now I know I wasn't helping them one bit, and really hurting them. So just remind yourself of that if you make it easy on him, it will just delay his maturing into the responsible man you'd like him to be.
And some good statements for you to remember when/if y'all have a rough day:
1. I'm always willing to do what is in your best interest.
2. Gee, sounds like you're having a bad day (when you really want to say, "Now listen here, young man, blah blah blah!")
3. That may work for you but it doesn't work for me.
4. I'm sorry you feel that way.
And just heard this one tonight (regarding us and our loved ones):
The weight of discipline is much lighter than the load of regret.
Oh, oh....and if you have one of those days where you feel you just HAVE to say something, remember the 3 B's:
Be kind....Be brief...and BE GONE!
Hang in there, krhea. Praying both you and he will make it!
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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