a small shift in direction
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
a small shift in direction
oddly enough, when I woke up this morning, and started in on the abf obsession (I have been rehearsing a "no more until you are sober" speech for the last two days) I felt, for the first time, that I might not want a life with him even if he gets sober.
In the past it has always been that I would do anything to make a life with him, he truly is the love of my life and I am deeply in love and attached to him, so I figured, can't throw that away, for me this is the first time it has ever happened and I am in my 40s.
So I kept thinking -- he gets sober and we work it from there.
But this morning I thought -- I am not sure I really want to live a life where this hangs over our heads, where his unreliability might always be an issue even if he is sober, where I have to set it up so that I can always be able to support myself in case he falls again.
just a niggling little doubt that I really want to live like that, that it would really be worth the kind of life I would have to lead just to be with him.
Also, in the past I never wanted to give that final "sober or nothing" ultimatum because I was so afraid of losing him entirely, but this morning I kind of started thinking, well, I don't want to be with a drunk, and addict, at any rate not in active addiction, the emotional upheaval isn't worth it, I can exist on my own, Sure, I might be lonely and sad for a while, but it isn't the end of the world. So if the ultimatum doesn't work out, and he does leave me, well, so what?
Okay, that all sounds a lot more callous and unemotional that I really feel, but the point is, these thoughts are entering my mind in a realistic, rational way for the first time, and the thought of losing him doesn't feel like I am cutting off my arm.
I can't imagine these anti-depressants are working this quickly but...maybe? it woudl be very ironic if they led me to taking action to get out of this relationship since it was the abf that pushed me to give them a try!
the weather is nice too...
once again, thanks everyone!
In the past it has always been that I would do anything to make a life with him, he truly is the love of my life and I am deeply in love and attached to him, so I figured, can't throw that away, for me this is the first time it has ever happened and I am in my 40s.
So I kept thinking -- he gets sober and we work it from there.
But this morning I thought -- I am not sure I really want to live a life where this hangs over our heads, where his unreliability might always be an issue even if he is sober, where I have to set it up so that I can always be able to support myself in case he falls again.
just a niggling little doubt that I really want to live like that, that it would really be worth the kind of life I would have to lead just to be with him.
Also, in the past I never wanted to give that final "sober or nothing" ultimatum because I was so afraid of losing him entirely, but this morning I kind of started thinking, well, I don't want to be with a drunk, and addict, at any rate not in active addiction, the emotional upheaval isn't worth it, I can exist on my own, Sure, I might be lonely and sad for a while, but it isn't the end of the world. So if the ultimatum doesn't work out, and he does leave me, well, so what?
Okay, that all sounds a lot more callous and unemotional that I really feel, but the point is, these thoughts are entering my mind in a realistic, rational way for the first time, and the thought of losing him doesn't feel like I am cutting off my arm.
I can't imagine these anti-depressants are working this quickly but...maybe? it woudl be very ironic if they led me to taking action to get out of this relationship since it was the abf that pushed me to give them a try!
the weather is nice too...
once again, thanks everyone!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
this sounds like a worthwhile thought process to continue exploring. thank you so much for sharing your insights.
this one thing you said has me thinking: "I am not sure I really want to live a life ...where (I have to set it up so that) I can always be able to support myself...."
without the adjoining: "in case he falls again", and, just for today, what if you were to leave that condition off to the side, and you just look at what sort of dependency you ARE willing to consider setting yourself up for?
To me, this might be very helpful, because I feel you may be able to do better for yourself and live sstronger in your own self realization.
Whatever you choose, I vote for YOU!
this one thing you said has me thinking: "I am not sure I really want to live a life ...where (I have to set it up so that) I can always be able to support myself...."
without the adjoining: "in case he falls again", and, just for today, what if you were to leave that condition off to the side, and you just look at what sort of dependency you ARE willing to consider setting yourself up for?
To me, this might be very helpful, because I feel you may be able to do better for yourself and live sstronger in your own self realization.
Whatever you choose, I vote for YOU!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
Don't think it's the antidepressants. I think it's called the "aha" moment. The moment where we know that no matter how much we love them, no matter how much we are afraid to lose them.....we can no longer live with active addiction. When I had almost reached that point is the time that a Jo Dee Messina song came out called "My Give A Damn's Busted". And I realized...yeah, that's it. Tired of hearing the excuses, tired of hearing...."this time it will be different", time of yada, yada, yada. So, I gave the ultimatum & the next time he used....out he went.
For me, so that I wouldn't give in (because I did still love the man he was clean/sober) I moved 2,000 miles away back to AZ where I'd been when he walked back into my life.
For me, no he hasn't gotten clean/sober, even though in the beginning all I heard was "I'll do anything to get you back". Well in a few months, it was I'll just find someone else....that will bring you back to your senses. And it hurt, that he "went on with his life". But someone said to me....he didn't move on with life...he moved on with his death.
I've been gone over a year now. My ex.....he's doing what addicts do....getting high, getting arrested, getting thrown out of where he lives now, steals her car, lost 3 jobs, moved 4 times.....but he is still using. So, quess what...NOTHING HAS CHANGED WITH HIM! And even though, yes, he is the love of my life (we got together when I was 42).....the addict is the greatest nightmare of my life.
It's not always easy, but then I read of all the pain & misery that others are still going through & I think....I have a life today. I still love him. I still prayer for him, but I would NEVER go back to that life. He now lives in a low-class, white trash, trailer park...with a foul-mouthed, bimbo. NOTHING like the LIFE we had together.
And me, I know longer have to protect my money or things that he might steal. I don't have to worry if or when he'll come home & what kind of mood he'll be in. I don't walk on eggshells every time he says "I can do it this time". I can do what I want, when I want.
Lynne
For me, so that I wouldn't give in (because I did still love the man he was clean/sober) I moved 2,000 miles away back to AZ where I'd been when he walked back into my life.
For me, no he hasn't gotten clean/sober, even though in the beginning all I heard was "I'll do anything to get you back". Well in a few months, it was I'll just find someone else....that will bring you back to your senses. And it hurt, that he "went on with his life". But someone said to me....he didn't move on with life...he moved on with his death.
I've been gone over a year now. My ex.....he's doing what addicts do....getting high, getting arrested, getting thrown out of where he lives now, steals her car, lost 3 jobs, moved 4 times.....but he is still using. So, quess what...NOTHING HAS CHANGED WITH HIM! And even though, yes, he is the love of my life (we got together when I was 42).....the addict is the greatest nightmare of my life.
It's not always easy, but then I read of all the pain & misery that others are still going through & I think....I have a life today. I still love him. I still prayer for him, but I would NEVER go back to that life. He now lives in a low-class, white trash, trailer park...with a foul-mouthed, bimbo. NOTHING like the LIFE we had together.
And me, I know longer have to protect my money or things that he might steal. I don't have to worry if or when he'll come home & what kind of mood he'll be in. I don't walk on eggshells every time he says "I can do it this time". I can do what I want, when I want.
Lynne
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Good morning Oneeye..
I know exactly how you feel. When I left my AH, I was out of there for good. I had enough of mental energy to "wait" for him to get sober. I though about the future and if I could ever handle any more "giving" from my part.
Well AH got clean for a while, and things looked so good. I almost convinced myself that BOOM he's good now! you can go back home.
A week later he fell off the wagon, and he is still telling me that he's clean.
Things for me right now truly are day by day. I have no idea what the future holds for us. Who sais he won't get sober and really work on himself? OR who knows, he might keep using.
It is awesome to see your thoughts headed in this direction! It is a gentle way of letting go some pain. Your mindset is acting a little different and it's not letting your heart do all of the thinking any more.
Take the moments to see what "you" want. Write them down.
I know exactly how you feel. When I left my AH, I was out of there for good. I had enough of mental energy to "wait" for him to get sober. I though about the future and if I could ever handle any more "giving" from my part.
Well AH got clean for a while, and things looked so good. I almost convinced myself that BOOM he's good now! you can go back home.
A week later he fell off the wagon, and he is still telling me that he's clean.
Things for me right now truly are day by day. I have no idea what the future holds for us. Who sais he won't get sober and really work on himself? OR who knows, he might keep using.
It is awesome to see your thoughts headed in this direction! It is a gentle way of letting go some pain. Your mindset is acting a little different and it's not letting your heart do all of the thinking any more.
Take the moments to see what "you" want. Write them down.
Let me grow up.
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
Wow! I thought I was the only one who had thoughts like those. Heck, I thought I was the only one who REHEARSED speeches; I even write a small script for myself when I'm on the phone with my exAGF just so I'll stay on track. . .LOL.
Anyway, my personal decision to not get back in a relationship with her was that I knew in my heart the trust was gone. I'll never believe she can stay clean. I'd always wonder if the day she comes home from work late is it because she stopped for a quick fix?
It was a hard realization but it was a decision made through lots of research (HBO specials, forums, personal stories, personal experience) and my heart.
In all fairness sometimes love just isn't enough to sustain a relationship with that extent of damage to it. Especially, not love that's ultimately one-sided because for her, her first priority and first true love was her addiction. Me my first priority and true love was her. It doesn't work. A relationship is about mutuality, mutual love, mutual respect, mutual sacrifice. I was doing all of the sacrificing and so are you, Sweets
I had to be fair to her by giving her the space to have a clean slate (should she remain sober) with someone who has been untouched by her addiction. I had to be fair to myself to give myself a clean slate with someone who is capable of coming into a relationship with me where we can share mutuality. In devoting myself to what I essentially discerned to be a lost cause, I could be missing out on the one person meant for me.
If you do decide to stay with him; I pray to God it works and that He gives you the strength to push all your pain and doubts aside but I'll pray even more to God that He brings the RIGHT man into your life because that's what you deserve.
Anyway, my personal decision to not get back in a relationship with her was that I knew in my heart the trust was gone. I'll never believe she can stay clean. I'd always wonder if the day she comes home from work late is it because she stopped for a quick fix?
It was a hard realization but it was a decision made through lots of research (HBO specials, forums, personal stories, personal experience) and my heart.
In all fairness sometimes love just isn't enough to sustain a relationship with that extent of damage to it. Especially, not love that's ultimately one-sided because for her, her first priority and first true love was her addiction. Me my first priority and true love was her. It doesn't work. A relationship is about mutuality, mutual love, mutual respect, mutual sacrifice. I was doing all of the sacrificing and so are you, Sweets
I had to be fair to her by giving her the space to have a clean slate (should she remain sober) with someone who has been untouched by her addiction. I had to be fair to myself to give myself a clean slate with someone who is capable of coming into a relationship with me where we can share mutuality. In devoting myself to what I essentially discerned to be a lost cause, I could be missing out on the one person meant for me.
If you do decide to stay with him; I pray to God it works and that He gives you the strength to push all your pain and doubts aside but I'll pray even more to God that He brings the RIGHT man into your life because that's what you deserve.
Last edited by newblue82; 04-22-2007 at 08:52 AM. Reason: grammar
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey oneeye,
Doesn't sound callous to me. Sounds realistic. AND it sounds like, for the first time, you are feeling a little control over your fate. You're having the first inkling that you can choose whatever life you want, that it's not just "Him or Unhappiness".
I thought that too, for a long time. I didn't meet my so-called "soul mate" until later in life, and thought that, because it had taken me so long to find him, that I would never find it again. I hung on through so much suffering and doubt because I was so convinced of this.
Nothing could have been further from the truth. Some of us just don't wake up and realize the kind(s) of relationships we truly want until we're 40 or 50 or 60.
You have the right to live in a way that will give you peace of mind, and provide a calm, drama-free space in your heart & mind where you can truly create a joyful life for yourself, on YOUR terms.
It's all possible.
Love and strength to you
GiveLove
Doesn't sound callous to me. Sounds realistic. AND it sounds like, for the first time, you are feeling a little control over your fate. You're having the first inkling that you can choose whatever life you want, that it's not just "Him or Unhappiness".
I thought that too, for a long time. I didn't meet my so-called "soul mate" until later in life, and thought that, because it had taken me so long to find him, that I would never find it again. I hung on through so much suffering and doubt because I was so convinced of this.
Nothing could have been further from the truth. Some of us just don't wake up and realize the kind(s) of relationships we truly want until we're 40 or 50 or 60.
You have the right to live in a way that will give you peace of mind, and provide a calm, drama-free space in your heart & mind where you can truly create a joyful life for yourself, on YOUR terms.
It's all possible.
Love and strength to you
GiveLove
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: charlotte,NC
Posts: 111
I started having these moments...especially after I started going to Nar-Anon. I'd realized that I would leave my husband if he continued in active addiction as soon as I found his needles...I knew that I couldn't be with him if he kept destroying himself and his health and our finances. However, after going to meetings, that realization became less and less frantic. I realized that I could leave him, and that my life would still be ok. I remember the moment I first realized it...I was sitting in the hammock outside, looking at my beautiful house, looking up at the dogwoods and the sunshine, and I realized that I'd be ok. I moved to this town to be with him, but I love my house, and I love my job, and I've got a good thing going here. It was such a strange release....
Congratulations for finding that in yourself! I haven't left him, and I don't want to...but it's nice to have that place that I can go with my mind when things get bad...I can think, well, if it stays bad, I can leave, and I'll still have my beautiful house, my cool dog, my cool job, and I'll be ok.
Congratulations for finding that in yourself! I haven't left him, and I don't want to...but it's nice to have that place that I can go with my mind when things get bad...I can think, well, if it stays bad, I can leave, and I'll still have my beautiful house, my cool dog, my cool job, and I'll be ok.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Oneeyeopen-
Thank you for this post. I really needed it.
I feel the same way about my recovering abf.
There are times when I will do ANYTHING to make it work between us.
You said: But this morning I thought -- I am not sure I really want to live a life where this hangs over our heads, where his unreliability might always be an issue even if he is sober, where I have to set it up so that I can always be able to support myself in case he falls again.
I completely understand this feeling. I think that doing anything to make it work is our illness - our addiction to this person.
On another post I explored the question of detachment - how it teaches us to focus on ourselves and take care of US, untangling ourselves completely from our addicts. But at the same time I wondered - can't I WANT a relationship where I can rely on the other person to be there emotionally for me? Don't all of us deserve a bond and connection where we do not have to constantly make sure we keep our expectations in check and never trust our addicts with too much because at any point in time they could relapse?
I am not one to think ahead -- Maybe i do this because I am afraid of the future and the idea that I can actually take charge of mine? -- but I often wonder if I could build a life with this person fully knowing that I will always have to factor addiction into the picture. I realize I am a full blown codependent and am far from healthy myself but- I truly do believe that is something I can get over. Addiction on the other hand I am learning is a life long disease.
Thank you for this post. I really needed it.
I feel the same way about my recovering abf.
There are times when I will do ANYTHING to make it work between us.
You said: But this morning I thought -- I am not sure I really want to live a life where this hangs over our heads, where his unreliability might always be an issue even if he is sober, where I have to set it up so that I can always be able to support myself in case he falls again.
I completely understand this feeling. I think that doing anything to make it work is our illness - our addiction to this person.
On another post I explored the question of detachment - how it teaches us to focus on ourselves and take care of US, untangling ourselves completely from our addicts. But at the same time I wondered - can't I WANT a relationship where I can rely on the other person to be there emotionally for me? Don't all of us deserve a bond and connection where we do not have to constantly make sure we keep our expectations in check and never trust our addicts with too much because at any point in time they could relapse?
I am not one to think ahead -- Maybe i do this because I am afraid of the future and the idea that I can actually take charge of mine? -- but I often wonder if I could build a life with this person fully knowing that I will always have to factor addiction into the picture. I realize I am a full blown codependent and am far from healthy myself but- I truly do believe that is something I can get over. Addiction on the other hand I am learning is a life long disease.
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