i need some help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: matawan, nj
Posts: 8
i need some help
i don't know what to do.
my boyfriend of three years, we've been planning on getting engaged soon, and making plans, we are both 28--adults not kids and he has always been up front with me regarding his history with drugs and alcohol. he is a recovering alcholic and drug addict who i thought was 6 years sober. he got sober by putting himself through rehab, and was going to therapy for all these years/has a sponsor etc. i've been so proud of him...
this morning, in his bedroom (we don't live together yet, but i sleep there every weekend), i found a joint. i couldn't believe it. I don't do that stuff, and I barely drink, i've never had an addiction, but from what I understand smoking pot when you are a supposedly sober for so many years addict is not okay. he tried to tell me he does it once in a while to relax. i feel like hes been lying to me. i'm so upset...he said to me "no one knows please don't tell anyone..." i said if he didn't want anyone to know its because he knows he's wrong, and i'm not going to be responsible for keepig that kind of secret too. what do i do. i nver thought this woud happen..weve been planning a life together...i told him that he's a liar and that i can't trust him and i feel like an idiot, and he can't justify it to me, that i don't need drugs to relax, and if he thinks he does its because he is an addict...he said he was embarrassed, and i told him he should be. he has been the one to counsel his cousin and his sister with their alcohol and drugs problems (it runs in their family) and i believed him, and hes a hypocrite. i'm heartbroken what do i do...i really need someone to talk to, and i don't want to tell my mom, and its early in the morning and i don't know who to call.
my boyfriend of three years, we've been planning on getting engaged soon, and making plans, we are both 28--adults not kids and he has always been up front with me regarding his history with drugs and alcohol. he is a recovering alcholic and drug addict who i thought was 6 years sober. he got sober by putting himself through rehab, and was going to therapy for all these years/has a sponsor etc. i've been so proud of him...
this morning, in his bedroom (we don't live together yet, but i sleep there every weekend), i found a joint. i couldn't believe it. I don't do that stuff, and I barely drink, i've never had an addiction, but from what I understand smoking pot when you are a supposedly sober for so many years addict is not okay. he tried to tell me he does it once in a while to relax. i feel like hes been lying to me. i'm so upset...he said to me "no one knows please don't tell anyone..." i said if he didn't want anyone to know its because he knows he's wrong, and i'm not going to be responsible for keepig that kind of secret too. what do i do. i nver thought this woud happen..weve been planning a life together...i told him that he's a liar and that i can't trust him and i feel like an idiot, and he can't justify it to me, that i don't need drugs to relax, and if he thinks he does its because he is an addict...he said he was embarrassed, and i told him he should be. he has been the one to counsel his cousin and his sister with their alcohol and drugs problems (it runs in their family) and i believed him, and hes a hypocrite. i'm heartbroken what do i do...i really need someone to talk to, and i don't want to tell my mom, and its early in the morning and i don't know who to call.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
All I can say is that my ex-abf tried to use pot as a bandaid for not using cocaine...it did work for a few months, but, pot just lead him back to his DOC and he used more, and more often...he went straight down the ole' crapper.
Keep in mind, he will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or non-active....that's the bottom line.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
All I can say is that my ex-abf tried to use pot as a bandaid for not using cocaine...it did work for a few months, but, pot just lead him back to his DOC and he used more, and more often...he went straight down the ole' crapper.
Keep in mind, he will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or non-active....that's the bottom line.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: matawan, nj
Posts: 8
i just really believed in him and trusted him.
i'm so blown away by this and hurt, he's my best friend and your right, thats what i said to him this morning, how am i supposed to believe him about anything now
his family is very tight knit, and they were all there for him while he went through rehab.
i'm upset right now, so i'm not going to do anything till i calm down, but i'm thinking about calling his cousin and talking to her, i feel like he should have to face up to it with everyone not just me...what do ou think?
i spoke to one of my friends. she didn't understand i don't think why I was upset, because she smokes pot and says its not addictive. i was trying to explain to her that its not the pot, but the behavior that is the concern.
for someone who used drugs to numb his feelings, and is still using pot to do the same, how can he even be real with me?
he treats me well. he treats me like a princess, and i know he loves me.
i am so surprised by this, i can't even put how i feel into words the right way.
i'm so blown away by this and hurt, he's my best friend and your right, thats what i said to him this morning, how am i supposed to believe him about anything now
his family is very tight knit, and they were all there for him while he went through rehab.
i'm upset right now, so i'm not going to do anything till i calm down, but i'm thinking about calling his cousin and talking to her, i feel like he should have to face up to it with everyone not just me...what do ou think?
i spoke to one of my friends. she didn't understand i don't think why I was upset, because she smokes pot and says its not addictive. i was trying to explain to her that its not the pot, but the behavior that is the concern.
for someone who used drugs to numb his feelings, and is still using pot to do the same, how can he even be real with me?
he treats me well. he treats me like a princess, and i know he loves me.
i am so surprised by this, i can't even put how i feel into words the right way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: matawan, nj
Posts: 8
i called him and told him i wanted him to call his sponsor and tell him.
and i told him i was thinking about telling his cousin and i told him why.
he asked me if i could talk to his brother instead. he is embarrassed to tell his cousin and i guess he feels like its easier to tell his brother. he started to sound mad, but i said that he has no right to be mad at me, that i didn't do this.
he just keeps saying its society that thinks its bad...and hes embarrassed because he knows he looks like a hypocrite.
i told him that he's told me that addiction is a disease, and i asked him if he knows its a disease how can he justify feeding the disease, and that it really has nothing to do with society, but all to do with the disease.
i feel like this is a problem bigger then me. i don't know what i can do,
i just told him that i want to talk to him later, in person.
he says that its just once in a while, etc.
i still want him to talk to his sponsor and i think his family should know too.
and i told him i was thinking about telling his cousin and i told him why.
he asked me if i could talk to his brother instead. he is embarrassed to tell his cousin and i guess he feels like its easier to tell his brother. he started to sound mad, but i said that he has no right to be mad at me, that i didn't do this.
he just keeps saying its society that thinks its bad...and hes embarrassed because he knows he looks like a hypocrite.
i told him that he's told me that addiction is a disease, and i asked him if he knows its a disease how can he justify feeding the disease, and that it really has nothing to do with society, but all to do with the disease.
i feel like this is a problem bigger then me. i don't know what i can do,
i just told him that i want to talk to him later, in person.
he says that its just once in a while, etc.
i still want him to talk to his sponsor and i think his family should know too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Welcome Girl!
Your 28, strong, independant, and wise. You acklowledge his smoking pot, and know that it is wrong, especially if he is a recovering addict, alcoholic.
You now have feelings of wanting to "fix" the problem.
When I got married to my AH, I wanted to fix all of his problems. Told myself it's no big deal. (mainly because he alway's told me it was no big deal)
7 year's later, I am now seperated from my AH.
This is a life long journey filled with alot of pain for many of us. My sugjestions to you are to go for a walk and think about what "You" want. Can you see yourself doing this for the rest of your life?
You are already wanting to call your BF's sponsor and tell him about his drug use. My advice is to not. If BF finds that smoking pot is no big deal, there is your Red Flag. He should call and make that decision on his own. You can't make him do anything. You will spend years and years of doing this Dear, trust me.
You know what you want' in a relationship. You know what you need to raise a family (if you can see yourself having children with him) and you KNOW that this is not right. There is your answer.
Know that everything he tells you may not be truthful as much as you want' to believe him. Know that this is a sign for you right now to look deep into your future. . . "what do you want'?
Your 28, strong, independant, and wise. You acklowledge his smoking pot, and know that it is wrong, especially if he is a recovering addict, alcoholic.
You now have feelings of wanting to "fix" the problem.
When I got married to my AH, I wanted to fix all of his problems. Told myself it's no big deal. (mainly because he alway's told me it was no big deal)
7 year's later, I am now seperated from my AH.
This is a life long journey filled with alot of pain for many of us. My sugjestions to you are to go for a walk and think about what "You" want. Can you see yourself doing this for the rest of your life?
You are already wanting to call your BF's sponsor and tell him about his drug use. My advice is to not. If BF finds that smoking pot is no big deal, there is your Red Flag. He should call and make that decision on his own. You can't make him do anything. You will spend years and years of doing this Dear, trust me.
You know what you want' in a relationship. You know what you need to raise a family (if you can see yourself having children with him) and you KNOW that this is not right. There is your answer.
Know that everything he tells you may not be truthful as much as you want' to believe him. Know that this is a sign for you right now to look deep into your future. . . "what do you want'?
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Welcome Girl78.
My X addicted BF (XABF) also used pot.. all day. But he was so superior because he had stopped using coke. so he said.
Spent 6 years on this guy. He moved in with me. A year later he announced he was moving out and I discovered the pot. The pipe he was smokiing? Pot he was growing in my own house is a room in the basement that I never used (thought he had photo equipment in it). I was (note tense) naive and I had no idea he was smoking pot!
I could have lost every thing.. because this jerk was growing it in my HOUSE.
Since he has been gone (over 6 months) I have stumbled on many other lies.. to the point where I do not believe a thing he ever told me is the truth.
Lies are what addicts do. Read the stickies here. Somwhere there is an old post "17 red flags" and I suggest you go find it.. it may offer you insight as to how your BF acts.
good luck and keep coming back. You are not alone.
My X addicted BF (XABF) also used pot.. all day. But he was so superior because he had stopped using coke. so he said.
Spent 6 years on this guy. He moved in with me. A year later he announced he was moving out and I discovered the pot. The pipe he was smokiing? Pot he was growing in my own house is a room in the basement that I never used (thought he had photo equipment in it). I was (note tense) naive and I had no idea he was smoking pot!
I could have lost every thing.. because this jerk was growing it in my HOUSE.
Since he has been gone (over 6 months) I have stumbled on many other lies.. to the point where I do not believe a thing he ever told me is the truth.
Lies are what addicts do. Read the stickies here. Somwhere there is an old post "17 red flags" and I suggest you go find it.. it may offer you insight as to how your BF acts.
good luck and keep coming back. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
There is one golden rule that i've learned living with a recovering
addict or alocholic. I don't work my GF program. It'll just
drive a big wall and more reasons to fight if I mengle in it.
I can suggest that she calls her sponsor and attend meetings
again..and thats about all I can do.
It also depends. I know my GF's sponsor long before I've
ever got involved with my GF. So i didn't have a problem
making the phone call. Oneway or the other I was going
to move forward.
we gave my gf a chioce
addict or alocholic. I don't work my GF program. It'll just
drive a big wall and more reasons to fight if I mengle in it.
I can suggest that she calls her sponsor and attend meetings
again..and thats about all I can do.
It also depends. I know my GF's sponsor long before I've
ever got involved with my GF. So i didn't have a problem
making the phone call. Oneway or the other I was going
to move forward.
we gave my gf a chioce
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am glad that you found us.S.R. has alot of infor here. read all the stickys & read all the post.i am really sorry about all of this.i am sure you are hurt & very disappointed in him.once pandoras box is opened it is sometimes every hard to shut.your b.f. is the only one that can help himself.HE has got to want to get clean again.usually it is not the first time they have used when we find out. work on yourself,your recovery so you can learn to take care of you.prayers for you & him, hope
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
He justifies because he's guilty. If he tells his sponsor, his sponsor will not be happy. Since he kept from you, he knows it's wrong. I guess the big thing is, that if he kept this from you....what else did he lie about. When my ex & I got together as a couple (walked back into my life after 16 years) he was clean & sober 3 years. He told me EVERYTHING. He insisted I talk to his girls to see what they would tell me. He insisted I speak to his exs. & see what they would tell me. He had been arrested before. He insisted I read through every court case. We both had therapist at the time & we discussed it together & separately. We covered ALL the bases before we went into this relationship. It took us over 6 months to decide that this is what we wanted. And yet, 3 years later...he relapsed. His relapse started with ONE beer. Since that, he's not been clean without being in jail since. And the man I love..the one who treated me better than I could imagine...the man I considered a soul mate.....when addiction came back into his life....he became someone I knew longer knew. He's gone back to his #1 LOVE......drugs & booze.
You've got the red flags?? Now what do YOU do about it? Cause I can tell you, he's gonna try everything he can? Are you in program? Cause I would get my answers from an Alanon meeting besides the great words you will hear on here.
Lynne
You've got the red flags?? Now what do YOU do about it? Cause I can tell you, he's gonna try everything he can? Are you in program? Cause I would get my answers from an Alanon meeting besides the great words you will hear on here.
Lynne
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
I think the pot issue is kind of like the alcohol issue. I hate it when I hear some recovering addict say crap like "Now I just drink a glass of wine with dinner" (read that in rolling stone the other day, stevie nicks of fleetwood mac said it)
Fact is; they can not take anything. they even have to be careful about the meds they might be prescribed. Can they really take vicodin when they had their wisdom teeth pulled? can they really handle cough syrup with codeine in it???
If I was the recovering addict I would be real careful about taking anything.
Besides, there are other things that help you sleep -- a cup of chamomile tea, warm milk, exercise, sex...etc.
but the addicts always seem to look for the drug solution for any problems rather than the alternatives.
someone told me when I first came here that I don't have to make any decisions today. good advice. I have, thus far, stayed with my abf, but it has been tough at times, and expensive, and has worn me down, put me in debt, and I still stay....
He doesn't live with me, which makes some things a whole lot easier.
My advice -- take some time, see what he does about it. Remember - it is a whole lot more complicated to get out of a marriage or a living together situation than if you maintain your independence.
Fact is; they can not take anything. they even have to be careful about the meds they might be prescribed. Can they really take vicodin when they had their wisdom teeth pulled? can they really handle cough syrup with codeine in it???
If I was the recovering addict I would be real careful about taking anything.
Besides, there are other things that help you sleep -- a cup of chamomile tea, warm milk, exercise, sex...etc.
but the addicts always seem to look for the drug solution for any problems rather than the alternatives.
someone told me when I first came here that I don't have to make any decisions today. good advice. I have, thus far, stayed with my abf, but it has been tough at times, and expensive, and has worn me down, put me in debt, and I still stay....
He doesn't live with me, which makes some things a whole lot easier.
My advice -- take some time, see what he does about it. Remember - it is a whole lot more complicated to get out of a marriage or a living together situation than if you maintain your independence.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: matawan, nj
Posts: 8
thank you to everyone for your responses. its been a long emotional day for me and reading everyones replies to my post really helps because its good to hear from people who have had similar experiences.
i ended up talking to my parents. they love my bf, knew that he is an alcoholic/etc and although they didn't have advice for me as to what to do because they never had any similar experiences, it was good to have their support today.
Lynne--the relationship you had with your ex before he relapsed...thats what its been for us as far as him telling me his history, going to therapy, he's actually helped with interventions with his family, etc. i think thats why i felt extra blindsided.
he told me its been 2 years that hes been smoking pot once or twice a month. we've been together for three. he's been saying he's been sober for 7. I told him he couldn't say that...sobriety does not allow for any drug in my opinion. i made him come over here this evening so i could talk to him face to face...he went through all justifications again (i haven't drank/i'm working/i pay my bills/i'm saving money for us/it doesn't affect anything/pot isn't addictive). I called him on his ********, and reiterated my suggestion to talk to his sponsor and go to meetings. i told him i wouldn't accept it, tolerate it or condone it. that the sneaking/lies of ommission were insulting to me and have destroyed my trust. but i gave him a chance and after hours of talking and crying (me crying)etc he did ask if i was giving an ultimatum. I just said, no it wasn't an ultimatum it was a chance for him to work on himself, and that I would give him that chance, but i will not tolerate lying or drugs or drinking. that he will lose me if he chooses to not work on things. so tonight, he told his brother and called his sponser.
i didn't ask for details on either conversation, but his brother said that i could call him to talk, i'm praying that my bf will follow through. i know everyone probably says this, but i love him so much. he's never ever treated me badly, until i found out about this pot lie...and oneeyeopen, i will definitly take my time and see what happens...i was just so confident that we would have this long happy life together i have to give him a chance. he's never seen me as upset as he did today...he was surprised at my anger and hysteria, but i think that it was good for him to see. i'm definitly going to look into al-anon or the other group (na anon?) around here...i feel like trusting him is going to be a long process that i dont know if i will ever be able to give.
i'm super exhausted, and have to get some rest for work tomorrow, but thank you again for all your replies, i'll definitly be here reading more.
i ended up talking to my parents. they love my bf, knew that he is an alcoholic/etc and although they didn't have advice for me as to what to do because they never had any similar experiences, it was good to have their support today.
Lynne--the relationship you had with your ex before he relapsed...thats what its been for us as far as him telling me his history, going to therapy, he's actually helped with interventions with his family, etc. i think thats why i felt extra blindsided.
he told me its been 2 years that hes been smoking pot once or twice a month. we've been together for three. he's been saying he's been sober for 7. I told him he couldn't say that...sobriety does not allow for any drug in my opinion. i made him come over here this evening so i could talk to him face to face...he went through all justifications again (i haven't drank/i'm working/i pay my bills/i'm saving money for us/it doesn't affect anything/pot isn't addictive). I called him on his ********, and reiterated my suggestion to talk to his sponsor and go to meetings. i told him i wouldn't accept it, tolerate it or condone it. that the sneaking/lies of ommission were insulting to me and have destroyed my trust. but i gave him a chance and after hours of talking and crying (me crying)etc he did ask if i was giving an ultimatum. I just said, no it wasn't an ultimatum it was a chance for him to work on himself, and that I would give him that chance, but i will not tolerate lying or drugs or drinking. that he will lose me if he chooses to not work on things. so tonight, he told his brother and called his sponser.
i didn't ask for details on either conversation, but his brother said that i could call him to talk, i'm praying that my bf will follow through. i know everyone probably says this, but i love him so much. he's never ever treated me badly, until i found out about this pot lie...and oneeyeopen, i will definitly take my time and see what happens...i was just so confident that we would have this long happy life together i have to give him a chance. he's never seen me as upset as he did today...he was surprised at my anger and hysteria, but i think that it was good for him to see. i'm definitly going to look into al-anon or the other group (na anon?) around here...i feel like trusting him is going to be a long process that i dont know if i will ever be able to give.
i'm super exhausted, and have to get some rest for work tomorrow, but thank you again for all your replies, i'll definitly be here reading more.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
