Lovestoomuch

A day in the life of yours truly...back in the day. I found this in the archives of cyber space and there's been so much tension on board this week I thought I'd share this old post again. Hope no one minds. The original posting on this was 4/29/06.

The Ding-A-Ling Thing

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I guess this is where I should post my Warning Viewer Discression Advised.

With that said, My exabf phoned last night. "Have you seen my Whizzinator??"

For those of you who haven't had their serenity completely destroyed yet, let me describe said device.

It is a very real looking rubber "male organ" strap on device with a tube running through it. There's a bag attached to the belt to hold clean urine in. My ex used to buy the dehydrated clean urine and mix it with water.

If you are drug tested you just pull down your zipper and whip that baby out, squeeze it ever so gently so it looks like you are just holding it. Due to the invasion of privacy act, the pee-ee cannot stand x amount of feet from the pee-or. Thus, since this unit is so life like, no one is the wiser.

I shamefully admit being somewhat of a hostile observer while the ex "practiced" his urinating technique. This was also back before the cocaine when he was only smoking pot. Oh what a woman will do for the love of her life to make sure those aweful police men won't take him away..........if I only knew then.

Anyways, I completely forgot that I hid this penile device the first time I gave the ex the boot. I thought to myself, "oh no you don't you SOB! I paid $170.00 for this contraption and I'll be darned if your ever gonna see the likes of it again!! Say good bye to your little friend!!"

I had considered burning it, but the smell of burnt rubber and smoke didn't appeal to me so I just threw it in the spare bedroom closet along with my other treasured possessions.

Of course I told him "No, I thought you had it. Besides, what use would I have for it?"

Now this is the ex's brain on cocaine. "That f'n house is haunted!! I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't f'n listen. That house and the ghosts in it wrecked our relationship Kris!!"

Ok.........so we're blaming the ghosts in the house now. I put the phone on mute because by now, I'm laughing so hard I had to make a mad dash to the bathroom before I wet myself.

Forgetting the phone was on mute, I was telling him I had to go.........which of course he didn't hear. It wasn't until he started screaming at me "ARE YOU F'N LISTENTING TO ME?!!" Oops...off mute.

After I hung up I went into the closet, dug through my stash of treasured possessions and pulled out the Thingie.

I don't believe I've quite ruined you yet so picture this. I'm sitting on the floor and I'm holding this masterpiece and just kind of wiggling it in an up and down motinon like I'm bouncing a ball. I was wondering why the ex would be calling asking for it now. What was going on?? Is he in trouble again?? I'm thinking that would be a good thing. Jail might save him.

While deep in thought I didn't realize that the kittens were batting it with their tiny paws. Their little faces looked all lit up like this was just the funnest kitten toy man ever made. They were sooo cute!

I knew then what i needed to do with it. So, I hooked the velcro belt to their scratching post and hung yarn from the tip. It's now a cat toy that I call the ding-a-ling thing.

So what did we learn from this experience??
#1 My ex is doing so many drugs he believes dead people ruined our relationship, thus causing him (IMO) to be certifiable. I suppose if he really wants to come back home to me he should call ghost busters.

#2 If your gonna mute your phone, don't forget to take it off mute as this is a dead give away that you know he's off his rocker and your laughing at him.

#3 An addict will do and buy anything no matter the cost to pass a drug test, and I'm assuming an addict came up with this life like contraption.

#4 The earth is our friend people!! Please recycle. Failure to do so could result in a huge land mass of ding-a-ling things and that would be a tragedy!

Hugs
Kris

Astro

OMG Kris you friggin' crack me up with your thinking! Thanks for starting my day off with a laugh!

Jwife22

Oh what fun we had with this thread back in the day!!! I remember this! Its still as funny as ever!!!!

Cupicake

that post still cracks me up.

cinderellawkids

I remember that thread!!!!

Elana

I am here at work and this is just 0ver the top1 I too recall this post.

Can you fix a key board that is filled with coke? I bet my XABF could use that thing about now! LOL

Geeze I can't stop laughing. Thanks!

Lovestoomuch

The cat toy has been long since disposed of. Roxy had gotten a hold of it and dragged it out while my preacher was at the house one lovely day. LOL That was another post.........but no point in re-hashing all those precious moments of my life with an addict...........it's too painful.

Blackrose2756

I remeber the face, but not the post. You are I got here around the same time. That is great. I've never heard of that one. What they will do. I have to admit that back in the day I did "provide" a specimen one day for my now ex. He wasn't watched as closely, so he was able to spill it into the cup. But it was funny watching him hide it in his underwear so it wouldn't slide down at an inappropriate time & hit the floor. I even remember once doing a "practice" drug test behind a dumpster at a drug store. Of course now I wonder what he hoped to achieve with that one.

I was told once that I had a great sense of humor & without it.....a lot of us would not survive.

Lynne

marteen

Oh, how I remember! It's absolutely amazing the things we become involved with when addiction is involved. And to think that anyone could ever talk "logic" to an addict - IMPOSSIBLE!

cmc

Thanks again, Loves! It was as funny then as it is now! LOL Yep- we've had some good laughs here!!!

duet_4-8

You crack me up!!!! I just got a visual of your kitties playing with the
ding-a-ling thing.

helpus

HAAAAAAAAAAAAA I remember that!!! So your cats have a ding a ling thing, your dog runs with sciccors. Kris have you ever thought of pet sitting. We'd all gladly give you refferences!!!!!!!

itiswhatitis...

kris,

that was one of the funniest visuals i've ever had - the best part was imagining him trying to explain the *haunted house* and wondering why the house wanted his wizzernator - and i know you aren't talking about *boob eyes* - so i have no idea what he - or a wizzenator look like - so it's kind of like reading a good book and figuring it out for myself - i guess the movie probably won't be as good as the book...

lmao...
s

rahsue

too damn funny.....
picturing you bouncing the thingy with a hum now what look lol

Lovestoomuch

Do you trust me??.......well do ya?? With your pets that is..........

Lovestoomuch

Oh my heavens...........I laughed so hard when I read this I nearly had an accident. Too funny.

Thanks for the laughs ladies. I needed it tonight.

greeteachday

Remember this one like yesterday...as well as the preacher story. Thanks for the smiles! Now that life is calming down, are you working on that book yet, Kris? Remember you have what it takes to be and do anything...ANYTHING you want! Hugs and prayers

teke

thanks loves, like cmc said, it was funny then and its still funny. you are full of laughs.