is he manipulating me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
is he manipulating me...
Tonight, the kids will be at a party, and so i thought it would be good for me to go to a meeting, since i wouldnt have to worry about them. My ah says that why am i going to a meeting when we have time to spend alone?
First of all, I am going to take care of me..and i will be home by 9:30, we still have the rest of the night. AND he's saying I go out every friday night???!!
Last friday, i stopped at a friends house for an hour and a half...I was home at 8:15! That's about the extent to my friday nights out!!! So why "do i feel bad" about not staying home and spending time with him since we never have a chance to be alone...although I really want to go to a meeting. I just started going again last week, after a very long time not going.
Is he manipulating me into feeling bad about going to the meeting? I think he "feels bad" that i dont want to spend the time with HIM.
Also, he slept last sunday from 2:00 pm until 10:00.pm (it was my birthday).
and he says i should be happy that after worknig so hard that week he had time to rest. And also because he was crying the night before for 4 hours, and he had a cold....blah, blah , blah....It just isnt normal to be sleeping all day long like that...
is this all manipultation????
First of all, I am going to take care of me..and i will be home by 9:30, we still have the rest of the night. AND he's saying I go out every friday night???!!
Last friday, i stopped at a friends house for an hour and a half...I was home at 8:15! That's about the extent to my friday nights out!!! So why "do i feel bad" about not staying home and spending time with him since we never have a chance to be alone...although I really want to go to a meeting. I just started going again last week, after a very long time not going.
Is he manipulating me into feeling bad about going to the meeting? I think he "feels bad" that i dont want to spend the time with HIM.
Also, he slept last sunday from 2:00 pm until 10:00.pm (it was my birthday).
and he says i should be happy that after worknig so hard that week he had time to rest. And also because he was crying the night before for 4 hours, and he had a cold....blah, blah , blah....It just isnt normal to be sleeping all day long like that...
is this all manipultation????
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I would have to say that it sounds like manipulation - even if it is something he is doing subconciously.
My abf discouraged me from going to meetings saying that he thought the other attendees would "brainwash" me. In reality- HE had brainwashed me. He still drops snide remarks about me looking things up on the internet and learning about addiction. I think he still tries to keep me in the dark a bit since the less I know, the less secretive he will have to be.
Seems like more justification than manipulation- the lack of taking personal responsibility. It was your birthday- instead of him accepting that it was insensitive to you to sleep all day- he creates an excuse that deflects from what he DIDN'T do and inflicts guilt- "A should" .... you should be happy that I slept all day. You should be happy that I went to work.
I always have to laugh when my abf makes comments like this.
"Aren't you proud that I went to rehab?"
I am then snapped back into reality and ask myself - how has it come about that my boyfriend wants me to be PROUD of him for attending outpatient. He should be doing it for himself. Not for me. I have to remember when he says things like that to take the comment and throw it right back at him, letting him know that he should be doing it for himself, not for me.
My abf discouraged me from going to meetings saying that he thought the other attendees would "brainwash" me. In reality- HE had brainwashed me. He still drops snide remarks about me looking things up on the internet and learning about addiction. I think he still tries to keep me in the dark a bit since the less I know, the less secretive he will have to be.
Seems like more justification than manipulation- the lack of taking personal responsibility. It was your birthday- instead of him accepting that it was insensitive to you to sleep all day- he creates an excuse that deflects from what he DIDN'T do and inflicts guilt- "A should" .... you should be happy that I slept all day. You should be happy that I went to work.
I always have to laugh when my abf makes comments like this.
"Aren't you proud that I went to rehab?"
I am then snapped back into reality and ask myself - how has it come about that my boyfriend wants me to be PROUD of him for attending outpatient. He should be doing it for himself. Not for me. I have to remember when he says things like that to take the comment and throw it right back at him, letting him know that he should be doing it for himself, not for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
Definitely. My ex hated my meetings. He told me that those women just wanted me to "dump" him & that they were coming between us. He just didn't want me to stop taking his crap & accepting unacceptable behavior. How could he continue to control me, when I knew better.
Have a good meeting
Lynne
Have a good meeting
Lynne
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
It probably is manipulation since he's making such a fuss over you going out for just one hour. He's testing the waters to see how important your recovery is to you. He also may have fears about what will happen to him should you find more recovery. There's nothing wrong with going to your meeting and also reassuring him by letting him know that you will spend some time with him later.
Sis is right- his intention does not matter, your needs and your actions do. Enjoy the meeting!
Sis is right- his intention does not matter, your needs and your actions do. Enjoy the meeting!
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
It's a case of the "what about me'ss?...."
I know at one point when my exah stopped using he became whiney and blatantly selfish about my time. Yes! My time....something that I should have control over not him. The fact was, in his mind, I should make time for him but he didn't have to make time for me. His mind centered on things he had to do for his family and for his recovery and my mind "should've" been centered on what he needs and what he has to do.
I know at one point when my exah stopped using he became whiney and blatantly selfish about my time. Yes! My time....something that I should have control over not him. The fact was, in his mind, I should make time for him but he didn't have to make time for me. His mind centered on things he had to do for his family and for his recovery and my mind "should've" been centered on what he needs and what he has to do.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Down South Here
Posts: 35
I agree.. go to the meeting and don't even think twice about it. I just recently told my CH that I had a Naranon person that I was confiding in and that I was visiting a "friends and family of users website" and he was not at all happy about it.. OH WELL!!!!!! I am just waiting for the "brainwashing" comments to start.
I say go the meeting and then go home and spend time with him... if he can manage to stay awake long enough.
I say go the meeting and then go home and spend time with him... if he can manage to stay awake long enough.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
now he changes his tune, or i misunderstood
Now he says that he only brought that up (about me going to the meeting and going to my friends house) because i was complaining about him staying at work VERY late EVERY night. This has been going on for about 2 months maybe...maybe a little longer..
What is wrong with a wife wanting her husband home before 8pm on weeknights..he says its because his career is all he has left since all of his realtionships with his family members have been tainted forever. ANd why am i complaining about him working late, would i rather he be out with friends?? I guess he has a point there...but my point is..there should be ahappy medium ..work late if you ahve to some nights, but be home with your family most ngihts. Also, i should give him a break...have "mercy on him" .
when he says things like that ....i do feel very bad....because i know he is hurting inside, but most of the time he keeps this tough outer shell.
Oh, in reference to him sleeping, he said "would you rather I use to stay awake"...I should say, not but i rather you didnt use in the first place to make you feel like you have to "crash" all day on sunday.
I know this problem isnt a huge deal--but sometimes its hard for me to see things as they really are, and since all of you have been there, you may be able to help me see things more clearly.
so for that, I thank-you.
What is wrong with a wife wanting her husband home before 8pm on weeknights..he says its because his career is all he has left since all of his realtionships with his family members have been tainted forever. ANd why am i complaining about him working late, would i rather he be out with friends?? I guess he has a point there...but my point is..there should be ahappy medium ..work late if you ahve to some nights, but be home with your family most ngihts. Also, i should give him a break...have "mercy on him" .
when he says things like that ....i do feel very bad....because i know he is hurting inside, but most of the time he keeps this tough outer shell.
Oh, in reference to him sleeping, he said "would you rather I use to stay awake"...I should say, not but i rather you didnt use in the first place to make you feel like you have to "crash" all day on sunday.
I know this problem isnt a huge deal--but sometimes its hard for me to see things as they really are, and since all of you have been there, you may be able to help me see things more clearly.
so for that, I thank-you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi drained,
Now, I'm usually the first one to say, "to heck with what the addict says" but in this case I have a different thought (yes, that was the sound of hell freezing over
)
It sounds like there might be the possibility here to sit down and talk this through. Make something good to snack on, leave your judgments and your expectations at the door in a bucket, sit down at the kitchen table when the kids are busy or gone, and talk about:
--your typical week, how it currently goes, and
--your expectations, how you both THINK it should go, and
--your desires, and how to make it so both of you are getting what you want
You may find, as my husband and I did, that we found enough common ground that it defused the WHOLE situation. On nights A, B, and C, we are together as a family by X o'clock. On the other nights, we're both free to pursue whatever we need to do (one of those was a meeting night for me....one night he would go bowling with work buddies....etc.)
It turned out that we liked nights A, B, and C so much that we've taken over some of the other nights too and spend those together now. We rent movies from the library, make popcorn, go for a walk with the dogs, play Trivial Pursuit, do fun free things that we never did before.
You might too. Hey, stranger things have happened, and it's worth a try.
Let his addict quacking roll off your back. Take care of YOU most of all. Your meetings are important; make sure he knows that you love him but you have to do this to keep your sanity.
Love and hugs,
GiveLove
Now, I'm usually the first one to say, "to heck with what the addict says" but in this case I have a different thought (yes, that was the sound of hell freezing over
)It sounds like there might be the possibility here to sit down and talk this through. Make something good to snack on, leave your judgments and your expectations at the door in a bucket, sit down at the kitchen table when the kids are busy or gone, and talk about:
--your typical week, how it currently goes, and
--your expectations, how you both THINK it should go, and
--your desires, and how to make it so both of you are getting what you want
You may find, as my husband and I did, that we found enough common ground that it defused the WHOLE situation. On nights A, B, and C, we are together as a family by X o'clock. On the other nights, we're both free to pursue whatever we need to do (one of those was a meeting night for me....one night he would go bowling with work buddies....etc.)
It turned out that we liked nights A, B, and C so much that we've taken over some of the other nights too and spend those together now. We rent movies from the library, make popcorn, go for a walk with the dogs, play Trivial Pursuit, do fun free things that we never did before.
You might too. Hey, stranger things have happened, and it's worth a try.
Let his addict quacking roll off your back. Take care of YOU most of all. Your meetings are important; make sure he knows that you love him but you have to do this to keep your sanity.
Love and hugs,
GiveLove
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
It sounds like manipulation to me. I have heard the old 'why don't you want to spend time with me?" stuff SO many times.
Funny thing is, I never heard it all those nights when HE was out till all hours, or sleeping all day.
IMHO, go with your gut. If you feel like it's manipulation, then it probably is.
Funny thing is, I never heard it all those nights when HE was out till all hours, or sleeping all day.
IMHO, go with your gut. If you feel like it's manipulation, then it probably is.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He may be afraid of you becoming too independent and that he wouldn't be able to manipulate you. He may be afraid that "you" will change, and he may just be afraid that you could have a life that didn't include him. He may be afraid that it won't be "all about him" anymore.
That kind of manipulation just sounds like raw fear to me.
Go to your meetings and spend time with him afterwards.
Hugs
That kind of manipulation just sounds like raw fear to me.
Go to your meetings and spend time with him afterwards.
Hugs
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
The very best reason is out of your own mouth, "First of all, I am going to take care of me" because if we don't take care of ourselves FIRST, then everyone else in the family will suffer even more because we take care of them SECOND.
Hugs
Hugs
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
in my opinion, i think that he may honestly want you to stay home with him, but you deserve to spend some time for you. it not all about him now and it is kind of common for him to not understand that you need to do things that makes you happy outside of him. maybe its time for him to realize that your life is not all about him.
I think that you have nothing to feel guilty about, and i think its good that you are going to meetings, and out with friends. sorry that he's hasn't been feeling well, seems like some men just don't do good with pain. mine gets like a baby, i think and thats when i'll want to go the most. still praying for ya
I think that you have nothing to feel guilty about, and i think its good that you are going to meetings, and out with friends. sorry that he's hasn't been feeling well, seems like some men just don't do good with pain. mine gets like a baby, i think and thats when i'll want to go the most. still praying for ya
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
