marteen

Mr. M is having a birthday this coming weekend. AD wants to come over to "celebrate" it and Mr. M does not want her to. He has not seen her for 16 months and there is a very strained relationship, at best, between them. After she "dismissed" us this past year, he has been having great difficulty with it all. Understandably, he would rather see her on a day that is not his birthday!

I know better to realize that I can't change his mind, and it's not my place to do so. He is entitled to his opinion and what he wants to do on his birthday is his perogative.

I've been sick from work the past couple of days and have not called her but I also don't think that I should be the bad guy to tell her. I know that's a cop-out but since you can't talk logic to an addict, she is going to take it as me not wanting her and trying to keep her from Mr. M. If it comes from him, as gently as he can say it, it might make some impact. I don't know but I know that if she comes over, it will not end well and he will be upset.

I've told him that I am bowing out and whatever the two of them decide is ok with me.

It sucks being stuck in the middle but I refuse to be sucked in by the quicksand and end up being the messenger. I wish he could feel different, but he is entitled to how he feels. I told him, however, that since it is his decision, he is also responsible for delivering it.

Yeck!

best

Was thinking such a thought as I was reading and then find at the end of your post..you did what I was thinking would be best.
Way to Go Marteen. Good job.

marteen

Thanks, Best. I do find with my recovery in place, I am more able and apt to come up with a reasonable answer.

"Reasonable"??? Before SR, I didn't know what that meant!

hope213

you are doing the right thing.it is his b-day & his wish for her not to be there, so he can tell her. it is sad things have to be that way in a family, but when you are dealing with an addict some times that is just the way it is.i went 5 yrs.before i had all my children under my roof all at the same time.i hope he has a great day & things work out as they should.hugs,

BigSis

OOoh Marteen - that is good! I like that "stepping out" stuff..

((hugs))

Ann

Well done, Marteen. It's a losing position to be stuck in the middle. I know because I was the "Messenger" for my son and my husband too many times. Like you, I finally learned to say "tell him yourself".

Tell her she'll have to ask him and tell him he'll have to tell her....then go have yourself some cheesecake and let them duke it out.

Hugs

marteen

Cheesecake?? Hmmmmm! Now that sounds like a plan.

It's nice to step out of the way of the slinging of mud! Slinging cheesecake sounds much better.

marle

Yup, My husband and AD did not get along even before her addiction. I am guilty of overdoing things to try to keep the peace. Not a good position to be in. I think you are doing the right thing in letting him handle it. I hope you feel better soon. And I hope that Mr. M has a nice birthday. Hugs, Marle

teke

i agree with you too marteen, i can't help but to pray that they soon can work through their differences and all is well. still praying for you all.

cmc

marteen,
I agree and if she really wants to see him on another day then she should be agreeable to _his_ terms. He has the right to have it his way on his birthday and every day- he's a good daddy and it's time for AD to give some respect where it's due. jmho
You did good!
hugs,
cmc
ps
Please save me some of that cheesecake...even if you have to sling it..I'll just hope your aim is good!

dollydo

I agree, it's between them. Although, I can understand why he doesn't want her there, it is up to him to say no.

Quite possibly, if he does nothing, nothing will happen.

Hope Mr M has a wonderful B-Day, he has earned the right to enjoy his special day.

frankie_b

Good recovery Marteen. Stepping aside and letting Mr let daughter know is
wise. Hope you'll be feeling better soon. Hugs

pjbs55

Marteen ,
You did the right thing by telling him he has to tell her. Your recovery is really so strong, you give me extra strength when I need it. Why should you be the bad guy when it isn't your choice. Maybe she can come over the day before or the day after. You and Mr. M can do something special together on his bday.
Good luck and enjoy the weekend

greeteachday

Ahhh Marteen, you're awesome! I know this feels uncomfortable but it's great for all of you. I do hope Mr M has a nice birthday and also hope that your daughter and he can find a way to connect going forward. Hugs and prayers

CatsPajamas

Way to GO Marteen. You are my hero today.

PS Feel free to sling some cheesecake my way. I can take it. I'm tough like that.

~ Cat