liesagain

today my AH came in and told me about a thought he had............one that was about cashing a business check that someone gave him but didn't fill in the company name............so he had thoughts to cash it.....and I guess when the "played the tape to the end" he discovered that the only reason to think this is......to go do drugs...........
remember he relapsed not to long ago.............

So as he's telling me this I am trying my very best not to react, not to show fear or upset ( I don't want him to NOT tell me things like this) so all I rally asked was if he talked to his support from NA etc..and thanked him for telling me and reminded him that "thats progress"........he seemed to be okay with this.........and somewhat pleased that he was able to reconise the thought process and not follow thru with it........and quite frankly I AM TOO but at the same time, it is so scary, how he can be going about a normal day and some little thing can happen and then he had to make a choice that either continues on the road to recovery or head for relapse. It just reminds me that this is a forever thing and that no matter how well he seems I don't understand how his mind works, and there are no safe days insignificant things can affect him and the only thing standing between him using or not is his choice each and every time his addiction speaks to him..............
I hate this addiction!!!! I wish "IT" would just leave him alone!!!
( now I sound like a crazy person right?)
but to me...........it very much seems like theres this something this "IT" thats in his head just waiting and waiting ready to make him fall.............and that the chance of "it" being sucessful is 50/50 at any given time.............
HOW SAD for my AH and how sad for me that this is in our life
BUT today I am grateful that he did the right thing and that tonight he was home and clean and engaged with our family and that tonight he's okay.

Please send your prayers for him to continue to be strong and to continue the right things................and ME well I'm working on TRYING not to obsess and to let go, and to really KNOW theres nothing I can do.

dollydo

One step at time, this one was a positive one.

hope213

one step at a time,one day at a time.hugs,

teke

thanks for sharing his thoughts, and i'm proud of your reaction to it. you did good. sorry but it is what it is, and like you said, its a life time thing, but as long as he can do it one day at a time, he has one more day sober. his choices but it can be done. one day at a time is what got me here, thats all we have anyway. still praying for you and for him

HKAngel24

Liesagain-
I truly feel your pain regarding the realization that you somehow step back, if even momentarily, dumbfounded and assess the situation saying- "Is this really my life?!?!"

My abf often squirmed when I would question him or reveal my fears about his usage. (I should be entitled to that, right?) He would always say to me - "You're not being supportive, you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop." It's so so defeating when we have moments of clarity and we see the tangled web addiction weaves. Sometimes I get so caught up in the normalcy between me and my bf that when something hits me and I awaken to reality again, I feel a little more sad, but also a little more aware that I must try my best to NOT remain in denial about the reality of addiction.

I often have to wonder if detaching is - freeing our addicts from expectations in so far that we resolve ourselves to the fact that they very well may mess up. I still get angry sometimes, since I am trying hard to work out the kinks in my mind with regards to what is the right and wrong way for me to detach- but sometimes I find I get caught up in the idea that detaching means "preparing myself for the worst." But somehow even in preparing myself for the worst- I am still attached - I have just altered the expectation to one that protects me rather than leaves me open to being hurt.

tropikgal2

It is wonderful that he shared his thoughts with you. My RAH is doing well, but is, has been, and probably always will be, not very communicative. He'll talk to me, but rarely does he volunteer his thoughts or feelings. Even when he was 13 years clean.