patchoulli

I spoke to Keiths eldest daughter tonite. She is working with a lawyer to settle the estate and to see if there is anything left after paying his bills. They will each get $25,000 from me when I sell, but as I live here and love it, I have no immediate plans to do so. He ended up having many high interest credit cards that I knew nothing about, a loan on his car, besides all the bounced checks and fees that are due. She is so upset about the mess, I feel for the girls, but for some reason, I have distanced myself from the chaos he created. I loved him, missed him[and at times still do],and have mourned him, but I'm moving on. Not dating, could, but I am not ready. I really believe that there are no coincidences, I hired a carpenter off a bulletin board[he is expensive but well worth the money], Telling him how Keith and I bought this house to re-do together but it didn't happen, and now I'm redoing it as I love living in the country. He asked me if I were in recovery, I said quasi-recovery, that everyone has something[or more than one thing], He said that he was a recovering addict/alcoholic, clean 20 years. After more talking[making sure he had a tool in hand at all times], I showed him a pic of Keith and sure enough, they knew each other. I believe people are put in our lives for a reason...WHY ALL THIS RECOVERY STUFF???? I would have thought between my daughter[recovering addict/alcoholic], and Keith[finding him on the floor in a coma, dead a week later], or my dad [ forgiving him for leaving us when we needed him, alcoholic dying alone], or my ex husband[prescription pain meds after failed back surgery],,,I would have learned what I need to. I am still a little angry about him dying the way he did, but I do know that he was sick, and it was his destiny. Please someone, be honest with me even if it hurts my feelings, I don't want to keep repeating this cycle of being involved with alcoholic/addicts. HELP

Elana

I agree. give it time.
I decided not to date for awhile. Maybe I won't ever date. I don't know. I am very happy living alone and getting better at loving ME first.

I don't think I have made good choices. You know what you don't want. You will know better with more time. Give yourself more time.

Everyone here says when it is right you will know. The carpenter came to do carpentry. Keep it at that. I hope he did a good job!

itiswhatitis...

patch,

i was just thinking about this - i'm reading the secret which tells you that you attract what you put out - i feel we are really empathetic people - is that really a bad thing?

i know that i pride myself on my children's traits - being well grounded, helpful and empathetic, they are one of the first to help someone - is this a bad thing?

i wonder...

love,
s

abtchonamission

After splitting with my ex-a, I didn't date for a little while - the first time I decided that I would just take time and be only me, not half of a couple. For what it's worth, after about 6-8 months, I found flowerguy - no drugs, very little drinking, works hard, and treats me like a queen.

I'd say take some time to be just you, and learn who you've become...my guess is someone 'worthy' of you will show up in your life when HP decides he should.

marteen

I agree; take time and try to figure out what it is YOU want. We tend to attract what we are looking for. When you are ready, you will know if the right person is within reach.

BigSis

Oh hell, I draw alcoholics like a magnet - men and women, sober and not.

... but here's my little secret...
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... I like 'em!!

Men or women, they are some of my favs. I love the charm, the mischeviousness, the often outgoing personality. I love the attention and the humor and our shared backgrounds and similar life paths.

Being with an alcoholic is as comfortable as a pair of shoes. And the LONGER they have been in recovery... the better.

Time takes time. Like the others, I think your heart needs a rest. Learning about how to live alone again may take a long time. But it doesn't sound like you are going anywhere. Enjoy the day!!

CatsPajamas

Aww Patch, I can totally understand and relate. My angel-sponsor used to tell me that certain codies have one half of the velcro and certain As have the other. They can pass each other in a very unusual place - grocery shopping, wherever... and WHAMMO they find each other and are immediately "connected". Trust me, it's happened to me more than once.

Heck, I even found myself WORKING for one - I was the perfect ying to his yang, I guess. I also had a much higher tolerance for unacceptable behavior. I found out later that I had lasted 2 months longer than any of his other assistants. (gosh Im so proud)

What I have learned is that I love alcoholics and addicts. I can't deny it. There is something exciting, energetic, charismatic and appealing about them.
I love "normal" people too, but if there's an A in the room I'll most likely be in a conversation with that person before too long. My codie GPS has been known to go **beep **beep **BEEEEP** and locks in with precision on that beacon.

ALSO, what I have learned in recovery:

Feelings are just feelings and not facts
If something feels "odd" it probably is
Red flags are NOT to be collected as party favors
I deserve to be treated with respect
And I really have to ask myself what has attracted me to that other person. Is it a feeling that he "NEEDS" me? Because if that's it, I need to step way back. However, if its because he's also in recovery and has a lot of active recovery under his belt, then we might be speaking the same language and it could be good!

As I have grown in my recovery, I am not so attracted as I was before. I'd like to think that I am not giving off that codie signal as strongly as I used to... perhaps in time I will attract and be attracted to healthier people. I had a brief relationship with one recently, but at the first sign of trouble I ran... I really didn't know how to handle it with a "normie".

Good luck, trust your gut, check your boundaries, and enjoy your life!

Hugs
Cat

patchoulli

thanx everyone... I think I need to really work on myself and keep my focus there. I can see making a bad choice but to continure repeating a pattern is scary, especially when it causes so much chaos....

teke

i agree with the others, it takes time, and time will show you when you are ready. time always seem to have a way of revealing more. keeping you in my prayers

tropikgal2

I dont' know if you lived with your Dad when you were growing up, but chances are that if you did, living with him set up a pattern with men in your life. I'm sure you know all about that if you have been in any kind of therapy. My sis-in-law, Palmtree, (posts on here) was married to a violent, yet functional, alcoholic for 20 years until she got herself free.....but guess what? He was almost just like her Dad. Mostly in temperament, not so much the alcohol.
For good or bad, people are often attracted to the types of people that were their care-givers (I use that term loosely) in their formative years. Sometimes it is a very subtle attraction. There may be only elements of the object of attraction that were present in the care-giver. Peope have a tendency to be attracted to that which is familiar. Hence the reason that women have a tendency to stay in bad and abusive relationships: "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't." A very debilitating mindset.

Sunflower

so much pain for you--I am sure wide open wounds still and the need to have someone help you through this-to comfort you. You have to learn to love yourself--to comfort yourself--do what is good for you---everything else will fall into place--takes time....

patchoulli

I'm doing pretty well. I guess I never realized how much addiction plays a role in my life. I really want to break this cycle. On a lighter note, this carpenter is kicking butt here. He is wonderful[see, I love recovery people], but he really is a great Married guy...seems really into his recovery. Its nice to listen to a recovering addict[he has 20 years]...nice to see it can happen...Thank you all for your support as usual...Love Marian

unsure of

Pathouli~

When my rabf and i broke up i went on 10 first dates in 3 months. and 0 second dates. they could tell i wasn't ready to move on and i was forcing myself to date. I realized i wasn't being fair to myself.

as far as your capenter. it sounds like you have alot of projects ahead (maybe a few months worth?). he seems to put you at ease, i would continue talk to him and after all his work is done treat him to a job well done dinner and see where it goes from there.

Marian, if iy ios ever appropiate would you thank him for letting us know that 20years clean can happen. i hope all our addicts are as strong as he is.

peace and love

Blackrose2756

I can relate. When I left my 1st husband I was NOT looking for a relationship. In fact, I had built up a wall so high & thick that I thought nobody could get through it. Then along came my 2nd. We'd known each other for years & he'd heard I divorced my husband. Seems he had been down the path of drugs & booze & was now clean & sober 3 years & wanted a "new" life with the woman he'd loved since he was 16. We took our time & decided we were together out of love...nothing else. In fact, we used to joke that God was giving us a second chance at love, life & happiness. 7 years later...I'm gone...starting over.....he decided that the "old" life was what he wanted & I couldn't stay there. Some people encourage me to "move on"..find someone new. That is exactly what I don't want right now. I need to find myself first. Yes, I have male friends. Yes, I don't live like a hermit, but I also am not going to go looking for love again. Love found me before....if it's meant to be, it will happen again.

Seems you have found someone to take care of the house problems & someone who can talk "recovery" with. God does put people in our paths.

Lynne

hope213

patch, i was married to two absuive alcoholics,one for 20 yrs. & swore i would never "date "a man that drank.10yrs after i divioced my 2nd husband i met my 3rd.he did not drink,he did not do drugs but he is a recovering herion addict. he was clean 15 yrs before i met him.today he is still clean & the most wonderful man in the univerise.we will celebrate our 10th annerversy in sept. total of 25 yrs clean..........yeah.... just go for it.