Just ranting(sorry it's long)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Just ranting(sorry it's long)
I was feeling alright about AH's clean time(supposedly 3 months) so when we got paid on Friday I gave him an allowance of $200 for the next two weeks. This has been an ongoing argument between the two of us. He's constantly asking for me to let him have an "allowance" ever since I took charge of all of the finances. I've always been aprehensive about it because I know that even when he isn't using he blows money and we need every penny we've got to go towards setting everything up for our new house. I was feeling confidant that it would be ok to give him the money because he'd been doing better and to be honest I was sick and tired of being nagged every day. So friday night he went to town with his money and got the kids and I subs for supper but didn't show up with them until after 8pm.
Saturday was my AB's birthay and him and AH had decided to do something together. AH told me they were just going to hang out at my dad's shop and have a few drinks, he'd be home early(hahahahahaha) 6:30 the next morning he was home and went straight to work. He finished work by noon and thought that he could come home and just go to sleep on the couch. Well, this just set me right off. I told him there was no way that he was going to go out drinking all night and then think that he could just come home and sleep it off. My son was mad, he wanted dad to play with him. He cried and cried that dad never spends time with him and that all he wants to do is sleep. I asked him what he'd done with my brother the night before and he told me that they had just gone to my cousin's house and had a few drinks, but he spent the night because he was drinking and didn't want to drive home.
So then last night we were out of milk and bread and I needed some stuff so I could make my son's lunch for school. AH took my bank card and went to the store. Two hours later he still wasn't home so I decided to check the bank account online, just in case I needed to transfer all my funds out AGAIN. Well he'd racked up over $50 at the store. I started doing the math, there was no way what I sent him for would possibly come close to $50. I got offline and there was a message on the phone. He'd gone up to our yard to check things out and got the truck stuck, his friend had come to try and tow him out and they both ended up stuck so he was sitting there waiting for his brother to come pull him out and then he'd be on his way home. At 11 he finally showed up and I asked how in the heck he'd managed to waste $50 at the store. He told me that he'd bought smokes too. Still didn't add up to no $50. I asked him where his allowance had gone because that was supposed to be for him to buy smokes, all he said was sorry and changed the subject.
Then this morning I mentioned it to my mom and she said "well you know his money's probably all gone, he would have had to buy drinks at the dance on Saturday" EXCUSE ME???? Mom thought I already knew that he'd gone to the community dance with my brother, the same dance WE were supposed to go to together with some friends... but he didn't want too. He failed to mention to me that AGAIN he went without me. ARGGG.
I'm so furious right now, we've talked before about how I feel about him going to the community functions without me and he agreed he wouldn't do it anymore. Now I'm almost positive that there's been no clean time at all and the last few months have been one big lie. He can't even tell the truth about where he's going, or what he spends money on. I hate addicts. I hate this life. I hate the fact that everytime he opens his mouth lies pour out. So here I sit thinking that I can continue to work on myself all I want... but that isn't going to save this joke of a marriage. I don't think I want to try to save it anyways... it's all been a lie. I asked him last night if he realized how close he was to losing his wife and all the idiot could say was "why? what have I done?" OMG!! I just wanted to smack him. I'm sick and tired of the lies. I'm tired of watching my little boy get hurt EVERYDAY because daddy won't play with him. I want out NOW. Unfortunately, I know that right now I cannot support myself and the kids on my own and I don't yet have enough saved up to leave. I do know that I can't stand being in the same house with this selfish a** much longer though.
Saturday was my AB's birthay and him and AH had decided to do something together. AH told me they were just going to hang out at my dad's shop and have a few drinks, he'd be home early(hahahahahaha) 6:30 the next morning he was home and went straight to work. He finished work by noon and thought that he could come home and just go to sleep on the couch. Well, this just set me right off. I told him there was no way that he was going to go out drinking all night and then think that he could just come home and sleep it off. My son was mad, he wanted dad to play with him. He cried and cried that dad never spends time with him and that all he wants to do is sleep. I asked him what he'd done with my brother the night before and he told me that they had just gone to my cousin's house and had a few drinks, but he spent the night because he was drinking and didn't want to drive home.
So then last night we were out of milk and bread and I needed some stuff so I could make my son's lunch for school. AH took my bank card and went to the store. Two hours later he still wasn't home so I decided to check the bank account online, just in case I needed to transfer all my funds out AGAIN. Well he'd racked up over $50 at the store. I started doing the math, there was no way what I sent him for would possibly come close to $50. I got offline and there was a message on the phone. He'd gone up to our yard to check things out and got the truck stuck, his friend had come to try and tow him out and they both ended up stuck so he was sitting there waiting for his brother to come pull him out and then he'd be on his way home. At 11 he finally showed up and I asked how in the heck he'd managed to waste $50 at the store. He told me that he'd bought smokes too. Still didn't add up to no $50. I asked him where his allowance had gone because that was supposed to be for him to buy smokes, all he said was sorry and changed the subject.
Then this morning I mentioned it to my mom and she said "well you know his money's probably all gone, he would have had to buy drinks at the dance on Saturday" EXCUSE ME???? Mom thought I already knew that he'd gone to the community dance with my brother, the same dance WE were supposed to go to together with some friends... but he didn't want too. He failed to mention to me that AGAIN he went without me. ARGGG.
I'm so furious right now, we've talked before about how I feel about him going to the community functions without me and he agreed he wouldn't do it anymore. Now I'm almost positive that there's been no clean time at all and the last few months have been one big lie. He can't even tell the truth about where he's going, or what he spends money on. I hate addicts. I hate this life. I hate the fact that everytime he opens his mouth lies pour out. So here I sit thinking that I can continue to work on myself all I want... but that isn't going to save this joke of a marriage. I don't think I want to try to save it anyways... it's all been a lie. I asked him last night if he realized how close he was to losing his wife and all the idiot could say was "why? what have I done?" OMG!! I just wanted to smack him. I'm sick and tired of the lies. I'm tired of watching my little boy get hurt EVERYDAY because daddy won't play with him. I want out NOW. Unfortunately, I know that right now I cannot support myself and the kids on my own and I don't yet have enough saved up to leave. I do know that I can't stand being in the same house with this selfish a** much longer though.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry this is happening. its common for addicts to lie, i know that you want to trust him and i know what it is to want the marriage work, but when it comes to money, it was always a trigger for me and for my husband.
in my opinion, alcohol is a mind altering substance and it usually leads back to the drug of choice and switching drugs don't usually work. alcohol is a drug.
working on you, in my opinion is not designed to save the marriage, but to save you and your sanilty
try not to give up on working on you, do what you know to do to put yourself
in a more peaceful place with or without him. keep the focus on you, you can't change him. keeping you and yours in my prayers
in my opinion, alcohol is a mind altering substance and it usually leads back to the drug of choice and switching drugs don't usually work. alcohol is a drug.
working on you, in my opinion is not designed to save the marriage, but to save you and your sanilty
try not to give up on working on you, do what you know to do to put yourself
in a more peaceful place with or without him. keep the focus on you, you can't change him. keeping you and yours in my prayers
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
I don't blame you one bit!! Just reading what you wrote has me furious!! Maybe the time has come to start making a plan......setting back some money......and figuring out how to make it all work. Within that time maybe your AH will figure out what it is he's doing wrong........maybe he won't, but at least you'll have all your eggs in one basket one way or the other.
I hated the lies too..........more than anything!! You never know when they're telling the truth and even if they were.......you probably wouldn't believe them.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe that they don't know what they're doing...........so I can understand the anger and frustration you feel. I don't see how they just don't get it. Hang in there honey. You'll know exactly what to do and when to do it. In the mean time.........dont give up on yourself and what your capable of doing. You're stronger than you can imagine.
I hated the lies too..........more than anything!! You never know when they're telling the truth and even if they were.......you probably wouldn't believe them.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe that they don't know what they're doing...........so I can understand the anger and frustration you feel. I don't see how they just don't get it. Hang in there honey. You'll know exactly what to do and when to do it. In the mean time.........dont give up on yourself and what your capable of doing. You're stronger than you can imagine.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
liesagain..........is my name for a reason! Lies again and again seems to be the way life goes when dealing with an addict.
And even when things are good, or seems good often I find that it was a lie too....................
right now it all seems good, and I want to have hope but always wait for the big let down.........and the lie to unfold.
I am working on not feeling this way but its difficult and I have a long way to go............and I'm finding that a big part of not feeling this way means (for me) that litle by little I begin to understand that I may have to let go.................and leave.
Good luck to you.................you will be in my thoughts
And even when things are good, or seems good often I find that it was a lie too....................
right now it all seems good, and I want to have hope but always wait for the big let down.........and the lie to unfold.
I am working on not feeling this way but its difficult and I have a long way to go............and I'm finding that a big part of not feeling this way means (for me) that litle by little I begin to understand that I may have to let go.................and leave.
Good luck to you.................you will be in my thoughts
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
Number 1 I don't consider an addict "clean" if they are drinking alcohol. As Teke said, alcohol is a mood-altering substance & in the beginning of an NA meeting they clearly state that they do not drink either. My ex would switch to booze when he didn't have the money for more drugs. Or I refused the money. I guess being around as long as I have......any "mood-altering" substance is NOT clean. I would NEVER trust an addict unless he were NOT using & NOT drinking. And working some sort of program. It appears that your husband just switched his DOC.
And as much as this hurts, you should know that he doesn't care what you say....he is an addict. My ex has lost the woman he loved, his girls want nothing to do with him, he can't see his grandson, he is living with a bimbo he openly admits he can't stand & lives in little trailer. And yet.....he can get clean on his own.
Make a plan. As I've learned....actions talk louder than words. I read somewhere else today why should he quit when he has a roof over his head, a wife, a vehicle, someone to make sure he has money in his pocket.
Lynne
And as much as this hurts, you should know that he doesn't care what you say....he is an addict. My ex has lost the woman he loved, his girls want nothing to do with him, he can't see his grandson, he is living with a bimbo he openly admits he can't stand & lives in little trailer. And yet.....he can get clean on his own.
Make a plan. As I've learned....actions talk louder than words. I read somewhere else today why should he quit when he has a roof over his head, a wife, a vehicle, someone to make sure he has money in his pocket.
Lynne
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sis, I am sorry that you are going through this. Like the others said, maybe it is time to start thinking about what you want. Living with lies is so hard. And even if your husband does not relapse on his DOC he still has addict behavior. Take care of you. Hugs, Marle
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am sorry too, yet handing over 200.00 to a person with an addiction is just setting the stage for defeat.
Alcohol is a drug, many addicts use it as a bandaid, but, it always leads them back to their DOC.
Protect yourself and your son...don't let him manipulate you, addicts lie, that is their mantra, that's how they operate.
We are here for you and care about the well being of you and your son.
Alcohol is a drug, many addicts use it as a bandaid, but, it always leads them back to their DOC.
Protect yourself and your son...don't let him manipulate you, addicts lie, that is their mantra, that's how they operate.
We are here for you and care about the well being of you and your son.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Thank you for all of your replies, they are very much appreciated. I talked with AH today about my concerns. The conversation went well. He can account for all of the money spent and showed reciepts for everything, so all is well there. A good part of it was spent to wash his work truck which he'll get back as soon as he takees in the reciept. I overreacted a bit. i'm just so used to him blowing every dime that I get a little crazy when he does have money. Perhaps giving him money was setting the stage... but I felt he'd earned enough of my trust in the last three months that it was time to start letting him have his own spending money. I know that he didn't go out and use, drank yes but I can live with that. He's not going to give up that rare beer after work with friends or that occaisonal night out with the guys and I can live with that too. I don't believe he's using it as a "band-aid" as one beer maybe every 3 weeks hardly qualifies for replacing one with the other. If it starts becoming an all the time thing... then I'll be concerned. I do believe that a "pothead" can have an occaisonal drink without the fear of falling back into the same routine. Maybe I'm naive, or maybe it's because i don't see pot as nearly as addictive as other drugs.
I'm still stashing away money, just in case. And definately am not going to give up on working on myself. Just had a few "off" days i guess.
I'm still stashing away money, just in case. And definately am not going to give up on working on myself. Just had a few "off" days i guess.
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this but I think you handled it very well and your plan sounds good.
Never give up on yourself and always try to keep the focus on your recovery so when you really need YOU, you will be in good shape!
Never give up on yourself and always try to keep the focus on your recovery so when you really need YOU, you will be in good shape!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
concernedbig sis......................
The thing is that with an addict, anything can become a replacement for their DOC.
during my Ah clean time....not RECOVERY just clean...........I watched him trade addictions from his job to basketball to golf..............it doesnt matter what it is they tend to take everything to excess. As for the beer, it is mind altering and from a medical/scientific aspect any mind altering substance can trigger relapse.........so just be careful.
I too have felt that my AH earned back some degree of trust and have in the past returned to "giving" him money thinking he earned it, the thing is it was HIS $$ to start with and it really didn't matter if I gave him $10.00 or $500. if he was heading for relapse he would get the drug with or without the money being given to him.......pawning barrowing from friends or whatever......... once he even took his 5 dollars
( this was what he "got" from me a day after one relapse) buoght lotto tickets won and heading out to do drugs...............so controlling the cash isn't the answer ( or at least it isn't for me) I manage our money because I can't be put in the position to have him ruin our family or leave us with nothing, he never has but HE COULD..............I no longer monitor his receipts for the $$$ he does get because it makes ME crazy the worry and such if the receipts dont add up so I am letting go of that!!!
This is part of my trying to detach.
Addiction is tricky, and I firmly believe that no MATTER how well we think they are doing........................theres still that chance of relapse..........expecially without some type of program..............
Good luck to you!
The thing is that with an addict, anything can become a replacement for their DOC.
during my Ah clean time....not RECOVERY just clean...........I watched him trade addictions from his job to basketball to golf..............it doesnt matter what it is they tend to take everything to excess. As for the beer, it is mind altering and from a medical/scientific aspect any mind altering substance can trigger relapse.........so just be careful.
I too have felt that my AH earned back some degree of trust and have in the past returned to "giving" him money thinking he earned it, the thing is it was HIS $$ to start with and it really didn't matter if I gave him $10.00 or $500. if he was heading for relapse he would get the drug with or without the money being given to him.......pawning barrowing from friends or whatever......... once he even took his 5 dollars
( this was what he "got" from me a day after one relapse) buoght lotto tickets won and heading out to do drugs...............so controlling the cash isn't the answer ( or at least it isn't for me) I manage our money because I can't be put in the position to have him ruin our family or leave us with nothing, he never has but HE COULD..............I no longer monitor his receipts for the $$$ he does get because it makes ME crazy the worry and such if the receipts dont add up so I am letting go of that!!!
This is part of my trying to detach.
Addiction is tricky, and I firmly believe that no MATTER how well we think they are doing........................theres still that chance of relapse..........expecially without some type of program..............
Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
Concerned...I forget, do you go to Alanon? Ask the members how they would feel if their husbands were drinking & just "not" doing pot?? Ask an NA member how they feel about drinking being "ok". I hope I am dead wrong, but for me....any mood-altering substance can lead them right back. I watched my ex have one beer....then 3 weeks another beer, then a few days later another beer...then a six pack...then he smoked some pot on the job because it was nothing like crack...and then....he's back on crack.
I truly believe in "addictive personalities". I can become addicted to anything I do. I'm addicted to Pepsi now, even though I've had no alcohol since May 12, 2003.
When my ex worked his program....no beer, didn't hang around with guys that drank....got new friends....hung with guys at work in program....didn't go near the old neighborhood....turned his entire life a different direction....that is recovery.
Lynne
I truly believe in "addictive personalities". I can become addicted to anything I do. I'm addicted to Pepsi now, even though I've had no alcohol since May 12, 2003.
When my ex worked his program....no beer, didn't hang around with guys that drank....got new friends....hung with guys at work in program....didn't go near the old neighborhood....turned his entire life a different direction....that is recovery.
Lynne
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((ConcernedBigSis))) I've always said, do what you can live with.
My prayers are that you are right, and he is just in a rocky early recovery... not all recovery looks that same... I've discovered that the hard way.
I am glad you are still stashing money away, it can't hurt and if thiings go well, it can be used as a joint savings later. But if I were to have an OPINION it would be this... stash a little faster.
(((hugs)))
My prayers are that you are right, and he is just in a rocky early recovery... not all recovery looks that same... I've discovered that the hard way.
I am glad you are still stashing money away, it can't hurt and if thiings go well, it can be used as a joint savings later. But if I were to have an OPINION it would be this... stash a little faster.
(((hugs)))
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