trying to help

Old 04-17-2007, 05:22 AM
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trying to help

I wish my ah would listen to me and get himself the help he needs. I have given him info on sub. he tells me I will I will... I tell ya sometimes I just feel like crying when I see him. I know it breaks all of our hearts when we see our loved ones and we see the good people they once were.. I wish we could reach deep deep down inside of them and bring them back.
I worry all the time for his safety and health. I thought of trying an intervention but I don't think he would be too coorperative. Outside of myself he has nobody to turn to . no siblings or parents(deceased). Any advise??
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Old 04-17-2007, 05:26 AM
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on the hbo (in the addiction series area) website they talk of the CRAFT approach - kind of like a subtle intervention - the guy who created it was the child of an alcoholic father and watched his mom go insane screaming, reasoning, raging, etc. and came up with this community approach - it's interesting - worth a look maybe...

good luck.

love,
s
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Old 04-17-2007, 06:26 AM
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What my kids' counselor told me... after she had wrecked her third or fourth car...

Why? Why would she ever get help? She has a roof over her head, a warm bed, a hot meal, a car to drive AND all the drugs she can score.

She has no reason to get sober.

That stayed with me.... and later, I learned that by "being there" for her, I had actually contributed to her continued using. Hard pill for me to swallow... but I started going to meetings and started figuring out what I was willing NOT to do anymore.

It helped.

(((hugs)))
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Old 04-17-2007, 06:29 AM
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sorry that you are going through this, there is nothing you can do to make your bf want to recovery, he has to want it for himself. maybe its time to completely focus on you and let him figure out of taking care of himself. maybe you can decide what you want your life to look like in the near future and work toward that goal. keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Old 04-17-2007, 06:32 AM
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I totally agree with BigSis on this one. My AH had NO consequences of his addiction, he hadn't lost his job, his car, he had never been arrested, and I was still standing by his side. I went to my therapist and he expressed his concerns regarding my AH having no consequences for his addiction. After dealing with his binge using a few more times, I moved out of our home and two weeks later and my AH entered impatient rehab.

Even though I know that treatment guarantees nothing, it is a start in the right direction. I have learned that if addicts have no reason to get better and they have no negative consequences that they have a hard time seeing WHY they need to stop using.

I want to add that this is my opionion only and I am not saying you should move out, it is just something that worked for me. I made a decision to leave because I was losing myself to my AH's addiction. Prayers and Good Luck to you.
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Old 04-17-2007, 06:33 AM
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Sunhsinegirl-
I, too, have attempted to dish out advice on safe ways to detox, shelling out the inspiration like I was a regular preacher.
I STILL have trouble catching myself when I am about to open up my mouth and let loose a looonnng series "shoulds" and advice that makes ME feel better, but in reality does nothing for him.

I think it is deeply excruciating for us to actually begin to UNDERSTAND that US wanting them to recover is so not enough. In fact it is almost a waste of energy and effort to try to "make them see" how much better life can be in recovery.

I too get caught up in the perceived "need." The whole "he has no one else" bit- shuddering at the idea of turning loose a man who may very well wander farther down the hole of addiction. It sounds as though you are holding tight and trying to force him to want recovery. Even when we UNDERSTAND that we can't do it- sometimes we still don't get the concept that all of our efforts are meaningless unless their heart is in it.
I feel your pain and my thoughts are with you.
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Old 04-17-2007, 11:54 AM
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Thanks to everyone for their help and good advise. He moved out a few months ago and we are getting divorced. Believe me when I tell you I have had enough. I just don't want to see anything happpen to him. Together or not. Its hard to just sit back and watch him throw all he has down the drain.

I'm getting on with my life and I'm alot happier and more at peace ,but in my heart I feel I have to still try. Hopefully one day I will get through to him. I don't know.
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Old 04-17-2007, 12:23 PM
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My advice, since you asked, would be to find yourself a meeting and learn how the 12-steps can help you regain your balance and live happily...no matter how he is doing.

I wish I could tell you how to save him, lord knows I've tried everything imaginable to save my son. In the end, it is only ourselves we can save, but I promise you that there is hope for better days ahead for you.

Hugs and prayers for you and for him, that he may find a better path soon.

More Hugs
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Old 04-17-2007, 01:28 PM
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Sunshine....
Looks like we are kind of going through the same thing.
I had a dream last night that I was able to trick my exah into going into rehab. So, this morning I had the bright idea of calling him and trying to convince him to go into rehab. Instead he ended up blaming me for his downward spiral before I was even able to get the word rehab out of my mouth. I didn't even get to discuss rehab with him.
In the end it is their life and their choices. But I understand how watching a loved one's addiction get worse can still be hurtful no matter how much we have detached and moved on. Out of sight, out of mind is not always the case.
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Old 04-17-2007, 01:44 PM
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Sunshine,
Please remember the 3 c's
1. You didn't cause it
2. You can't control it
3. You can't cure it.

The addict has to want to get clean and no matter what we say or do they need to do it. I wish I could just push a button and have my son clean forever but that isn't how it works. You AH needs to hit his bottom before he will get clean.
You are doing what you need to do for you, and one day he will see what he lost. Will he have regrets, no one knows.
Please go to meeting for you, it will help you learn so much more about you, and how to deal with his addicition and with life itself.
Good luck,
Hugs
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Old 04-17-2007, 07:42 PM
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go to some meeting.ft.f. really helps.keep coming back here.there is lots of info here & lots of people who care.prayers, hope
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