We're addicts, too
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: charlotte,NC
Posts: 111
We're addicts, too
I did a lot of thinking last night after my husband and I talked and he confirmed that he'd had the relapse we'd all been expecting. I said to him that I just can't understand addiction--I can't understand why he would use when he's been doing so well, when he'd finally been clean for almost 40 days, when he'd finally gotten through withdrawal and was starting to feel good again--I told him that I didn't understand why he'd risk his marriage, his sanity, his home, his job, and his health just to feel good for a few minutes. But then it occurred to me--what am I getting out of this relationship? Sometimes it feels good, for a few minutes. I stay with this man in spite of the financial havoc he's wreaked in my life, the emotinal turmoil, the psychological upheaval, the weight I've gained, the endless frustration...I'm just as addicted to him as he is to heroin. It makes me sad!
Thats exactly it. I had that aha moment about 6 weeks ago. I remember posting about it.
After my Ahs relapses again became a routine Friday thing and progressed to him taking the car I once again kicked him out, and let me tell you the days he doesnt call, or the calls he's not Oh so sorry hurts. I just now am realizing the deepness of my addiction to him and it really sucks, its been 10 days can you imagine... W've been apart months and months before and that didnt phase me because almost daily I had my short hit of how much he loves me and blah blah blah. 10 days without that seems like an eternity.
I wish the best for you and your husband
After my Ahs relapses again became a routine Friday thing and progressed to him taking the car I once again kicked him out, and let me tell you the days he doesnt call, or the calls he's not Oh so sorry hurts. I just now am realizing the deepness of my addiction to him and it really sucks, its been 10 days can you imagine... W've been apart months and months before and that didnt phase me because almost daily I had my short hit of how much he loves me and blah blah blah. 10 days without that seems like an eternity.
I wish the best for you and your husband
hello JW -
it's ironic that you posted this. Just this morning I was looking back over my archives and found this that I had written in May 2005...
"Mending Heart - I really see myself in your posts. I know what you mean - you love him but don't know how long you will be able to take it. Talk about the "long goodbye". I see my ABF almost like I think that he sees his addiction. I might know that it's best to stay away....maybe I can "use it" on a limited basis, etc. He is so much fun inbetween times when he is not using (it's been 6 wks this time) but I never know when it will come back. I know that I will not be in a relationship/see someone that is an active addict. At least I have progressed to that....wasn't there 6 weeks ago!"
....that was the beginning of my realizing how lethal my disease is and how similar it must be to my RAH's crack addiction. I understand how it makes you sad - I feel the same grief at times.
Great insights that you had - thanks for posting! Donna
it's ironic that you posted this. Just this morning I was looking back over my archives and found this that I had written in May 2005...
"Mending Heart - I really see myself in your posts. I know what you mean - you love him but don't know how long you will be able to take it. Talk about the "long goodbye". I see my ABF almost like I think that he sees his addiction. I might know that it's best to stay away....maybe I can "use it" on a limited basis, etc. He is so much fun inbetween times when he is not using (it's been 6 wks this time) but I never know when it will come back. I know that I will not be in a relationship/see someone that is an active addict. At least I have progressed to that....wasn't there 6 weeks ago!"
....that was the beginning of my realizing how lethal my disease is and how similar it must be to my RAH's crack addiction. I understand how it makes you sad - I feel the same grief at times.
Great insights that you had - thanks for posting! Donna
You are correct and that is why our recovery is so very important.
Just like our addicts have to focus and work their recovery if they want to get clean, so do we. If we shift our focus away from ourselves and concentrate too much of our time and energy constantly being disappointed by our expectations, we will become as sick or sicker than our addict. After all, they have the drugs to escape with; we are simply left with disappointment and lonliness. But we can change that by focusing on our recovery.
And we have relapses, too but don't let that stop you. Get back up and keep working at it!
Just like our addicts have to focus and work their recovery if they want to get clean, so do we. If we shift our focus away from ourselves and concentrate too much of our time and energy constantly being disappointed by our expectations, we will become as sick or sicker than our addict. After all, they have the drugs to escape with; we are simply left with disappointment and lonliness. But we can change that by focusing on our recovery.
And we have relapses, too but don't let that stop you. Get back up and keep working at it!
Thank you all for how you describe the feelings, the desire and the heartbrake of this crazy addiction.... theirs and ours. Only now is when I am realizing I am addicted to my abf... only now makes no sense why it took me so long.
Jewel
Jewel
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Moore, Oklahoma
Posts: 2
It's the craving. It is all powerfull. I love my children and husband very much. I would lay down my life for them the craving is more powerful than my love. I was going to die. I was wearing 2 fentynal pain patches, eating the stuff out of another, while popping lortab 10,s xanax and chugging it all down with tequila. I woke up one morning last nov so swollen I could not make a fist. I begged God to help me. Somene told me about this new medication that worked for them. Not all Doctors can prescribe it. I found one in recovery (most of them are) He prescribed Suboxone and bingo! No more cravings. Been sober for over four months. I can't remember the last time I had more than 10 days clean. I don't have to take it forever. My plan is to try to wean off of it after 1 year. This stuff saved my life. I was miserable and wanted to die but at the same time wanted to live. I just knew I could not live like that anymore.
I did a lot of thinking last night after my husband and I talked and he confirmed that he'd had the relapse we'd all been expecting. I said to him that I just can't understand addiction--I can't understand why he would use when he's been doing so well, when he'd finally been clean for almost 40 days, when he'd finally gotten through withdrawal and was starting to feel good again--I told him that I didn't understand why he'd risk his marriage, his sanity, his home, his job, and his health just to feel good for a few minutes. But then it occurred to me--what am I getting out of this relationship? Sometimes it feels good, for a few minutes. I stay with this man in spite of the financial havoc he's wreaked in my life, the emotinal turmoil, the psychological upheaval, the weight I've gained, the endless frustration...I'm just as addicted to him as he is to heroin. It makes me sad!
That's a tough one. I left my ex October 2005 & sometimes I still miss him. But I've made it to today. Some days are great. Some not so good. But in the back of my mind I remember what my counselor said when I moved here....Fantasy says he's clean & sober & you can have a good life.....REALITY IS NOTHING HAS CHANGED WITH HIM!!!
As far as being addicted to our addicts. Yep, been there, doing that. I still have days where I obsess. Especially when things are sucky in my life now.
Lynne
As far as being addicted to our addicts. Yep, been there, doing that. I still have days where I obsess. Especially when things are sucky in my life now.
Lynne
Junkys wife,
I wanted to say my AH called a bit ago and we had a good short I love you good night conversation.
I got off the phone suddenly feeling content and secure again. Then I realized, its like when they get a hit of their DOC, for ashort time things feel good, but in reality nothings changed
I wanted to say my AH called a bit ago and we had a good short I love you good night conversation.
I got off the phone suddenly feeling content and secure again. Then I realized, its like when they get a hit of their DOC, for ashort time things feel good, but in reality nothings changed
A similar "aha" happened for me when I was complaining that my kid was working recovery the "right" way.
She needed to go to meetings, probably every day.
She needed to get a sponsor - one with longterm recovery.
She needed to read the Big Book.
She needed to work the steps.
My friend looked at me and asked... are YOU doing any of those things?
Not then. But I sure started to not long after.
I do wish you luck, Junkyswife. ((hugs))
She needed to go to meetings, probably every day.
She needed to get a sponsor - one with longterm recovery.
She needed to read the Big Book.
She needed to work the steps.
My friend looked at me and asked... are YOU doing any of those things?
Not then. But I sure started to not long after.
I do wish you luck, Junkyswife. ((hugs))
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