decisions

A hello to any of you who may remember me.... I have not been on this site in a while...

I will make this as breif as possiable... I left my addicit fiance, father of my two children.. Boys 11 & 9.. Its been almost 1 and half years since we left... His doc cocaine/crack.. My mom told me to pick my poision, living with a addict or single parenting... I bought a mobile home started over with nothing..... He has not seen the boys since I left and only called a couple times.. We did have a no-contact order until July of 06... I filed for child-support in April of 06... He has lost everyting.. cars, boats, house in forclosure... His home cought fire in Feb 07.. I informed the Friend of the Court he may be getting a settlement.... A lein was placed on the monies he may get... Turns out his house was a total loss... He owes me 15,000.00 in back child support. He has been jobless since before I left...

I thought I moved passed any feelings for him... Turns out they are still there... Talking to him these past few days has touched a part of me I thought was dead and gone...

Being a single parent no grandparents to lighten the load from time to time... I have put on all kinds of weight and I have been sooooooo lonely....... To be honest I think about him alot lately....

WHAT IS REALLY GOIN ON? Why do I miss someone who is still using, been with at least 10 different crack hoes, does not care about his kids.... I mean there were some good things about him and still are.... He has not changed in fact gotten worse.. He now has a bi-polar, skitzo disorder, and obsessive compulsive disordrer.... Thats his new found problems....

I feel like Im a mess and feeling things for him Im almost inbarresed to admit..... What is wrong with me??? I was so determined when I first moved and thought I went through the greiveing process.... I did not leave because I did not love him. I left to have a better life for me and the boys....

Anyone who can offer some clairty. I would sooooo greatly appreciate it....

Thank u for being here....

Godbless you all

Sharon

Lovestoomuch

[QUOTE=decisions;1290032]


Being a single parent no grandparents to lighten the load from time to time... I have put on all kinds of weight and I have been sooooooo lonely....... To be honest I think about him alot lately....

WHAT IS REALLY GOIN ON? /QUOTE]

((Sharon))

I didn't leave my ex because I didn't love him anymore either. But what you said above.......

I've felt the same way as you when things were'nt going all that great........and progress just wasn't happening as fast as I'd like to have seen it happen. Feeling lonley, and like my life hadn't gotten much better without him I let him back in. What an enormous mistake. Things only got worse and he destroyed what little I had built back up for myself.

These feelilngs you're having are normal. I think a few of us if we're being completely honest have toyed with the idea of having our ex-addict partners back and some.....like me have even gone through it.......but it was short lived and disasterous........mine was still using too.....and I knew it. I felt having a body there......his to be exact was better than no body at all and that couldn't be farther from the truth........at least in my case. My ex-s DOC was crack/cocaine also btw.

I know you've been alone for some time now and seem to be feeling pretty low.......but try to focus on the good in your life right now. Look at all you've accomplished on your own........and know that being a single mother is none of any evil. It takes a strong, determined woman to do what you're doing right now and you should be very......and I mean VERY proud of yourself.
Sending some needed hugs your way........from someone else who's been there.

hope213

you deserve better than him & so do your children.you would not want someone "to lighten your load that you can not trust." think about it.prayers, hope

Sunflower

By the time I left my EXAH I did not love him--I feared him--I was so lucky to have parents that were there for me. Still it was hard raising him alone. Many many times over the years I felt lonely and depressed-only natural.
One thing I was never willing to do was ''settle'' for anything or anyonejust so I would not have to go it alone. A lot of people do just that and are sorry.. This is the time you get to know yourself better--once you are more comfortable with who you are you will not be lonely. You need friends outside the relationship with your kids--start with just""friend'' so once in a while you can go out etc......
He has not changed--you want to live like that again? After you have taken this huge step forward--don't take two steps back. Evenif he was with you now-you would still be lonely--he only loves the crack
My EXAH owes me 18 years of support--over 60,000--but will I ever get it?NO...who cares as long as he stays gone be happy.....

teke

i've been where you are so many many times and i did got back over and over knowing at times that he was still using, still getting worse. i guess it was sometimes for the same reason, just to have a body to help out with the kids and/or finances. always ended with the same result or worse, i get myself up and let him and his addiction pull me back down. been doing it for 20 yr off and on, more off that on but still the same. i've been a married single parent of 7 kids, it wasn't easy but i realize today that i was better off alone all of these yrs than to live in addiction for any reason.

i know that it gets lonely, but think about how lonely you may have been back when you were together and imagine how much worse that it maybe now. is it worth the peace that you have now? it doesn't get better.

there were times that i went back because i thought ok, now that i'm stronger, but it always ended in me having to fight my own insanity. sorry that you feel lonely but it is possible that you can be happier lonely than living in active addiction. keeping you and yours in my prayers.

who knows he may be on the verge of giving up, and going for help, try if you can, to allow him as much time as he needs to figure out that he can not do it without help.

decisions

As the tears flow down my face, inside I feel the pain of the loss and the warmth of your love.... It feels so freeing to "feel".... Thats what I think I miss the most is loving and being loved.... Your all so wonderful here.... Thank you, Thank you for giving back and taking the time to care... Thank God for you all here.... God bless each and everyone of you....

Sharon,

cinderellawkids

My husband and I have only been separated a week (3rd time in a year.) His DOC crack, too.
I ahd to leave for me and our three boys. I hope he gets into recovery but I can hoonesty tell you, even 5 years from now and if hes still using there always be a part of me that loves him and want the non addict him back.
Take care of you hon

Lovestoomuch

Remember one thing. Weight can be lost, financial freedom can be obtained, friends can be made, and we don't need a man or woman to complete us and make us better than we already are.

Blackrose2756

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I left my ex a year & 1/2 ago & I still miss him. I've gained a lot of weight. Can't seem to get a good job & am living with my parents. And it seems when things aren't going well for me or I remember some wonderful thing my ex did....I miss him. I still cry too. Sad to say, at least once a day. But I miss the man he WAS. Not the man he IS. I miss having someone to talk to...someone to hold me...someone who loved me. And my ex....last I heard he's still with a bimbo & doing all the things he did when we were together. Yeah, I've thought of asking him if he wants to come here. But I know it would be a mistake. Bottomline....I think we miss them more when things are NOT good in our life now. We miss the good things we had...before crack!!! You are not nuts. You are not abnormal. You love someone. And you just want the man back that loved you. I haven't totally given up hope...I just have to remember....Fantasy...he's clean & sober & we can have our life back....REALITY...he's a crackhead & NOTHING has changed with him.

Lynne

decisions

You "guys" gals are the sh**..... I love this site sooooo much....... Thank U.... From the bottom of my heart... I have my moments, some days are harder than others... For the most part I feel like Im climbing out of the "pain of the loss".... It's been long enough, time to take the bull by the horns........ Time for MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and mine..... Keep me in your prayers and I will U too...
Thanks again for your love and support..

Sharon..

rose

Welcome Back Sharon,

I am much of the same situation as yourself with a husband gone on crack...lost everything along the way and I am left here to raise to sons on my own with not one bit of support from him. I only know just how overwhelming it can be and emotions take over. My husband has been sent to jail for some of the things he has done to me...but I still have a place in my heart for him, but the him before the drugs.

I think that emotions come in waves, first they start to come in so fast then they start to slow down and get further and further apart. I know I need to learn how to deal with the first rush of the waves.

Keep your chin up and we will get through this...

Rose

BigSis

(((Sharon))) I remember someone ... an active addict husband of another Alanon... told me once that I focused on MY addicts because it was too painful to focus on my OWN stuff.

He said it meaner than that.... and boy, did it light me up! I was so mad at him... the big turd.

But 2 years later, I can see with more clarity that in some ways... he was right.

If you can, I hope you can find some meetings ... Alanon, Naranon or CODA... to help you focus not only on your problems, but also on your attributes...which are many.

(((Sharon)))

patchoulli

Hi....We all know what you are going thru.. I loved my guy too, and I gained weight[I don't think we take good enough care of ourselves]. [Must be all that taking care of everyone else, whether they need it or not]. Maybe if you worked on getting some of the weight off[start out with a walk around the block every day], you would feel better about you. It is all about you. If you need someone to talk to privately, IM me..I am going thru the same journey...Love You...Marian

oneeyeopen

I think that many of us have an amazing capacity for forgiveness. We go through so much with these addicts, and then if they seem improved, even in the slightest, we let them jump back in.

In many ways I see us as similar to women who are abused and keep letting the abuser live with them or at any rate they don't leave. I think really we are not all that much different. We let these guys that wreak havoc in our lives stay with us.

I KNOW that one reason is loneliness, and another is low self-esteem. We often believe that there are no other men out there who will be interested in us, especially if we are older, don't look like fashion models, or tied down with children. Yeah, wouldn't it be convenient and easy if the men that we already were involved with could just slip back in but this time it would work...

I read a statistic today -- of those that divorce (half of married people) 78% of women end up remarried. and that is married, who knows how many of the other 22% are living together with someone or in a relationship of some sort. I was heartened by this, basically it means that most of us are going to end up with someone else at some point in our lives.

So, my advice -- don't get yourself back into the fire with this guy, focus on yourself, if your weight is a problem then exercise or diet, I am sure you will look great! use the energy you would put into him on yourself instead.

(by the way -- I too have gained weight through my trials with an addict -- ate tons of ice cream to make myself feel better, and in the end just gained 10 pounds and made myself feel rotten about it...you never win)

atalose

I think its natural to feel that love you once had after being away from the drama, away from all that day to day hurt and pain. Once you are away from it for a period of time to begin to remember those good times, often forgetting the pain and hurt that was so present when you left. If you have been in touch with him and the conversation was not filled with anger or rage of course you are remembering those loving feelings. I am glad to hear you are focusing on MEEEEEEEEE and mine, good for you, that's great keep up the good work.

greeteachday

Ahhhh Sharon, It is just plain lonely sometimes and you are right...it isn't about missing him, it's about missing the feeling of being loved. We are here and care, please keep posting. Have you tried any Alanon or Naranon meetings? You don't have to be with your addict...just to know or have known the pain of loving someone with an addiciton. Once I found a group I clicked with it was getting the love and friendship and support of SR with face to face smiles and hugs too. Hugs and prayers, let us walk with you for awhile.