outonalimb

Anger...that is...

I feel really strong in my recovery most days...I'm not saying it isn't a battle...you all know it is...but I gained alot more peace in my life when I really and truly let go of my dream that exah would get well and we could put our family back together. I feel pretty good most days about the way I've handled things, the steps I've taken to protect myself, and just life in general.

And then...bam...anger over the past just blindsides me.

My former stepdaughter is turning 14 this weekend. She still comes over for the weekend twice a month. She will always be family even if her father and I divorced. And so I thought I would make a scrapbook for her with photos of her growing up...I wanted to make something special for her this year.

And so I rummaged thru boxes of old photographs in order to find just the right pictures. Rather than finding joy in these photographs, I felt my anger mounting...

My thoughts would go something like this...

Oh...here's the one of our son's 3rd birthday party. We look like such a happy family. Ha! If I had only known! I remember running around like a madwoman scrubbing and cooking before the guests were to arrive while trying to keep my son occupied. I remember he had to "make a quick run" to take his "friend" a tool that he needed... I remember I was literally sweating when the guests arrived...And him casually strolling in 30 minutes after the party had started with some lame excuse about why it took him so long. And I actually believed him!! Ha! Of course, I had no idea about what was really going on. None at all.

With each picture...a painful memory came flooding back...I thought about how much I worried about him during that time...thinking he was depressed...making appts. to take him to a psychologist...having NO IDEA...of course. that had crossed over into the land of addiction. No idea at all.

These memories brought alot of pain to the surface.
And alot of anger. A whole, whole, whole lotta anger.

I thought I had "worked thru" all of this crap.
I thought I had moved past it.
I don't think its possible. I really don't.
I have some special memories that I"ve tucked away from that period in my life but none of them revolve around anything he did to make my life better. Not one of them. In fact,they are all memories of special times that I managed to carve out for myself despite his antics.

Maybe someday that anger will completely go away.
But then again, maybe it won't.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

rose

Out,

I guess looking at those pictures makes you feel betrayment, rightfully so, putting yourself back into what you were feeling and thinking at that time.
Drug use being the last thing to think of or even suspect.

I can see how looking at those pictures would anger you, I was going through some papers myself this week and came upon some letters when that I had wrote regarding finding out my husband was on crack and thinking that it was over with now, he had given me the drug mixing crap and told me that was the end of it, I knew nothing about drugs and addiction....little did I know it wasn't the end of it, just the beginning!

I think it is a feeling that they took away your innocence or something, seeing a picture or remembering being back in that time and having no idea of what was in store for us behond that point.

I'm p'd off too Out!

Rose

parentrecovers

i was at an alanon meeting this week and the topic was grief and loss. not a dry eye in the room. we grieve in many ways over this disease. we kept going back to steps 1 - 3 for comfort. i'm not angry, i'm just grieving. blessings, k

bren38

Well I can certainly relate to what you just wrote. I think I'm over it and I will either see something or hear something that triggers a reminder that brings it all back. I like you worried about him, made appts, spent hours on the internet researching depression, irritable bowel, etc.... all the while having NO IDEA. I sympathize completely with you and what you're feeling. I feel like I will never be the same after going through this. I just keep hoping a new day will bring some sort of acceptance and understanding of all that took place.

mooselips

(((ooal)))
IMO, anger can be a good emotion, depending on what you do with it.
When I remember back, I was somewhat angry when I finally decided on detachment.....so it worked out to be a good thing.
There is a message your H.P. is trying to tell you, somewhere in all of this, there's a message....coming your way.

Things all happen for a reason.
Can you think of something you need to hear now?

Hugs, and prayers

marle

Out, My anger gets triggered whenever something reminds me of how much my daughter is losing out of (and us too) because of her addiction. Now, however, I don't get mad at her, just at the circumstances surrounding her life. It is kind of a sad type of anger. So I guess it is a form of grief. You are definitely not alone in this. Hugs, Marle

patchoulli

I look back on some of my internet searches and I found depression and MALE MENOPAUSE... It was drugs...plain and simple, something so easy hurts so much...I understand the mixture of emotions. I went thru our pics and threw out almost all of them. I sometimes feel that what I thought we had was a lie. And then, I miss him very much, the wonderful spirit that was him. I go day by day, try to do things that bring me joy...love Marian

hope213

i think we all have times like this when we still get so angry about things they have done. they can ruin our day even when they are not ever a part of our everyday life anymore. they can do this if we let them.stop for a moment & go do something else & then come back & do the book.it helps me sometimes just to take that short break. hugs to you, hope

Lovestoomuch

((Out))
Just sending a hug your way. I've moved out an gotten on with my life and there are still days I feel like the past with the ex bites me in the butt too. You'd think by now it wouldn't. Your recovery is still an inspiration to me.....

teke

just want you let you know that i'm still praying for you and yours and i pray that you feel a little better soon. i still struggle with the anger and i'm still having a very hard time trusting my rah, i do understand your anger.

Sunflower

NEVER look at pictures!!! Itry not to ever see pics of my EXAH--I would get angry just like you are--now you know what triggers your anger you may want to avoid it until you are able to look without being overwhelmed!!!(((HUG))))

duet_4-8

I know just what you mean. I hope that talking about it here helps you feel better.

You're doing great!!

tropikgal2

Yeah, I TOTALLY know what you mean. I'm like Bren..I used to be going on the internet, researching IBS, depression, etc. (my husband was treated for Crohn's disease years ago). I tried to get him to meditate....he probably was meditating on sticking a needle in his arm, leg, or whatever. My dumb*ss had no idea that each time he went through an "IBS episode" he was going through withdrawals because he couldn't get his DOC!!! I won't be that stupid again!!!